Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Original poster

Very violent three and half year old

71 replies

Letshopeitworks · 13/07/2019 18:23

My son has asd and is non verbal. He is very violent and it’s getting worse it’s not a reaction he does to get his own way.
Today he has
Ripped chunks out of dd6 hair quite a few times she will just be playing then he does it.
I have several bite marks where he has bitten me and my neck has nip marks on it
My newborn has been slapped today:(
I can’t keep anyone safe nor can I control him he hurts himself as well
I just don’t know what to do:(

OP posts:
Original poster
Letshopeitworks · 13/07/2019 18:27

We are on waiting lists for help but because of cuts we are pretty much on our own to deal with this

OP posts:
QueenBeee · 13/07/2019 18:32

There is a special needs thread and sn chat
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/special_needs

MauisHouseOnMaui · 13/07/2019 18:59

OP Flowers

Who are you on the waiting list with? SN support and provision is such a postcode lottery and in many areas of the country you need to be a pest to get any. There's a saying that the squeaky wheel gets the grease, start being a squeaky wheel. On Monday phone whoever it is and chase up the support referrals. Also give your Health Visitor a call and ask her what support she can offer in the short term, ask her to chase up the referrals on your behalf too.

When he's playing are you down on the floor with him? I know it's not easy especially with a newborn and other children (I have four myself) but when DS was younger I found that being on the floor with him, with him sitting between my knees if need be, lessened the behaviour a little bit as he liked having me close by so was calmer. I was able to sometimes stop him from hitting before he hit but the other times, when I couldn't stop him in time, I could stop him from hitting more than once and could immediately move him away.

Longer term, something that helped was to keep a sort of log of incidents. As soon as possible afterwards I would note down what happened, time of day, place, what he was doing before it happened, what happened afterwards, how long it took him to calm down, what helped, what didn't help, etc. It helped me look for patterns to his behaviour and to spot potential trigger points so I could avoid them in future. It wasn't perfect, DS will still sometimes act in ways I can't predict (he likes to keep me on my toes), but it did help me spot some patterns that I couldn't quite see while I was in the thick of it.

HollowTalk · 13/07/2019 19:03

If he is hurting your other children you need emergency help. What does your GP say? What a horrible position to be in. I hope you get some good advice from others who've been through the same on here. Flowers

Jojobears · 13/07/2019 19:06

Oh I feel so sorry for you. Don’t have advice, but just want to send flowers. DS can unfortunately be a bit violent (no SN: but it’s horrible all the same)

Original poster
Letshopeitworks · 13/07/2019 19:11

Tbh he’s on so many waiting lists I can’t remember them all. Hv is coming on Monday. We are hopefully getting a safe space for him but need funding

OP posts:
Original poster
Letshopeitworks · 13/07/2019 19:23

He’s spends most of his days spinning or trashing the house ( in the space of a week he has broken a washing machine and two lamps )

OP posts:
HollowTalk · 13/07/2019 19:24

Is there anything that triggers his violence? Is there anything that can be guaranteed to keep him calm? Is he different if you're on your own with him?

Original poster
Letshopeitworks · 13/07/2019 19:51

No triggers there’s nothing we can do to keep him calm he won’t stay in one place doesn’t understand time outs etc. I get scared for his future he’s like this at nursery too and I think he’s in the brink of getting kicked out

OP posts:
Original poster
Letshopeitworks · 13/07/2019 19:52

No he doesn’t discriminate who and when he gets violent

OP posts:
HollowTalk · 13/07/2019 20:00

So he's violent purely to get his own way? Is that what you were saying in the original post? If he gets his own way what happens then? It must be so difficult for you.

EAIOU · 13/07/2019 20:04

What does he appear to enjoy distraction wise?

BobbieBrewster · 13/07/2019 20:08

It must be very hard. I am reading your OP as a parent of a child with special needs. You need to take control - 'hes on so many waiting lists I can't remember them' - make a list of them, which are the most useful and chase them - relentlessly. Talk to the nursery and at 3.5 start planning for school - look into an EHCP which he will need for future support.

EKGEMS · 13/07/2019 20:19

I'm so,so very sorry. My son has severe SN and is nonverbal and a couple times has been violent. I sincerely hope your HV can offer some emergency assistance to you and your family

Original poster
Letshopeitworks · 14/07/2019 00:07

I doubt much will be done soon it’s pretty shocking really I didn’t know it was this bad

OP posts:
aurynne · 14/07/2019 00:18

"Ripped chunks out of dd6 hair quite a few times"

On the same day? And he has SLAPPED your newborn? Your priority needs to be protecting your other children, this is utterly unacceptable. He may need to be isolated from the other children until he can control his impulses, your other children are being terrorised.

HouseworkAvoider10 · 14/07/2019 00:38

He needs to be taken out of the house and isolated from your other children.

Sorry - he does sound very severe.

MauisHouseOnMaui · 14/07/2019 00:59

OP, the last two comments are part of the reason why I would suggest you report your opening post and ask MNHQ to move this thread to the SN boards. People there understand, most people on AIBU don't.

OhTheRoses · 14/07/2019 01:12

Your HV ask her to confirm to you to whom he has been referred and contact details and write to them and press them fir time frames. Set out your oerception and whst you are experiencing. Ask GP for further help. Contact SS and ask for a carer's assessment.

Hawkmoth · 14/07/2019 01:14

Hello, and solidarity.

I also have a violent 3yo.

He's our youngest thankfully, so "GET UP AND WALK AWAY" will eventually work for the others.

Have you have an OT sensory assessment? This is where most of DS's issues come from. He spends a lot of time in his body sock, or naked. Noise and light are triggers.

I have scars from scratching, and he's battered me today with a controller on my knees (I've not checked for bruises). However, understanding the triggers is so helpful, even if it means changing what normal parenting should be.

emerencesometimeshopeful · 14/07/2019 01:29

Behaviour is communication.

I know that sometimes that is hard to remember. But I do try to keep it in mind.

I'm so sorry you are not being supported appropriately. All of your children need you and you must be feeling absolutely drained and exhausted just trying to keep everyone safe.

A newborn means that there have been massive upheavals in his life recently. That's hard for all children of that age to manage, but for a child with communication challenges who likely needs stability and structure the upset of a new baby in the house will be discombobulating and could be a factor in his escalation.

Do you have another adult around who can help keep the children seperate as much as possible? What strategies have worked in the past to help your son calm down?

I hope that your HV can help move things along for you.

Leobynature · 14/07/2019 01:35

Perhaps it will be helpful to use ABC charts, when he becomes upset and displays behaviour record what happened before and after the incident, until you notice patterns. It may be something in the environment which is triggering his behaviour (noise, busy or certain time of the day) or a response (restraint/ taken to a quite room) he is seeking.
Request a referral to behaviour specialist at CAMHS
Look at his diet, remove all E numbers
Adopt a very good sleep routine
Ensure his day consists of a very good routine which he can predict.
Use pictures to tell him the next activity
He may find it difficult to transition from one activity to another and may need you y count him down
Ensure that your other kids are safe if you can

Aquamarine1029 · 14/07/2019 01:43

Have you tried using a tablet and headphones to distract him? I only mention this because this is the only thing that worked for a person I know whose child sounds like yours. I'm so sorry for what you're going through. I can't imagine how you cope.

cheesemumma · 14/07/2019 03:06

Ignore some pp who clearly have no experience with asd. There is some good advice already here and I would say there is almost always a trigger, even if they are hard to identify. So I would take pp advice and jot down anything that happened that may have triggered the behaviour. Also is your son aware of what is happening that day, what is coming next etc? There may be something he is anticipating that is making him anxious. It may even be your newborns stirrings that indicate he is about to cry which your ds may find challenging. Try to get some extra support ASAP, get on a special school waiting list, and EHCP, some respite care as soon as you can.

Limpshade · 14/07/2019 03:38

OP ignore those two posters who clearly have no experience or even understanding of what it must be like to live with a child with additional needs such as your DS. You've already had some good advice on here and I'm afraid I have nothing really of value to add except to say that must be very hard for you and you're obviously a lovely mum who's doing her best Thanks Please push for some more help

Swipe left for the next trending thread