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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think if you don't drive then you use public transport?

99 replies

Ofjoseph · 13/07/2019 11:27

I don't mind giving non driving colleagues and friends a lift every now and again. They don't usually ask but I'm happy to offer. I joined a meet up type group a year or so ago and I'm meeting them tomorrow night. I've somehow become the driver for 3 people so now my night is picking up person A from busy traffic filled area (it means taking a completely different road to get to venue which is busier and will add 25 minutes or more and means I have to navigate completely horrific roadworks which I hate as I struggle to understand the roundabout now it's so coned off). Then pick up people B&C. On way home I'm now going to have to drop A, B and C. This means over 3 hours driving round trip when it should have been less than 2. I won't enjoy the event as much and I'm pissed off. I don't mind picking up B & C as they're only a few miles out of the venue's way and they're in a quieter area. Person A always seems to think meeting up should fit around her non driving and it's annoying me now. Aibu? She could quite easily get public transport. She lives in a busy area which has plenty. It would take her about half an hour to get there. It will take me about an hour and a half.

OP posts:

JudgeFlounceRedRugBlah · 13/07/2019 13:27

Ok, you may choose to suck it up for this time if you're worried about looking bad in front of the others. Next time have some phrases ready. Things like "no trouble at all but it was a nightmare getting to yours last time so I'll meet you at

Jaxhog · 13/07/2019 13:28

Some people specialize in boxing you into a corner OP, and person A sounds like an expert. It's easy for people to say you should get tougher, but it's hard. I know.

One thing I find helpful is to say ' sorry, no, that doesn't work for me today/tomorrow'. Don't explain. Or if she asks why just say you don't want to talk about it.

Good Luck!

Pinkyyy · 13/07/2019 13:31

If you didn't want to be told the truth, why post this, especially in AIBU? There are other boards where you could post to get help with your bigger problems.

krustykittens · 13/07/2019 13:34

An hour's worth of driving is costing you a lot in terms of fuel. Tell her no, unless she wants to cough up for it. She knows it costs money, I certainly knew when I was a non-driver, she is taking the piss. People will know you can't afford to be a free taxi service, just spell it out!

donquixotedelamancha · 13/07/2019 13:35

I doubt many of them would in reality.

Most people would have no trouble saying no (although the CFs who don't listen are harder). I think saying yes but resenting it is much ruder than saying no.

BrokenWing · 13/07/2019 13:40

Send her a message on the group saying you have something on before the group and you unfortunately wont have time to do the trip to pick her up and still get there in time so she'll need to make her own way there.

The following week tell her the same thing, you've got the same thing on again. She'll get the idea its a regular commitment before the session. If she asks what it is, make something up about your mum/sister/brother/niece/work/only time you have free to supermarket shop or whatever.

fedup21 · 13/07/2019 13:47

It's very easy for people to say they'd say no when they're in an anonymous forum. I doubt many of them would in reality.

I think this is why some people are such pushovers, tbh. They genuinely believe that other people have a massive problem with saying no, just like they do.

I genuinely don’t have a problem with it. It hasn’t affected any friendships I have wanted to keep!

I happily ignore CF hints for lifts or childcare favours and will say no to anything that doesn’t suit me or I don’t want to do.

People that are always spending their precious time doing childcare they don’t want to do or giving lifts they don’t want to give and then moaning about it really baffle me!

TwistyTop · 13/07/2019 13:48

Firstly, ask them all for petrol money. They should be offering anyway but if they don't then they are the rude ones, you aren't rude for asking.

Secondly, I can hand on heart say that in a group chat setting if someone else said no to giving someone a lift I would never think to myself that they were being a dick, unless it were very extreme circumstances (eg, my mum is on life support in the hospital and my car broke down, can you please take me there since you are heading that way anyway). Please take that on board as it will hopefully make it easier for you to say no in the future.

Chloemol · 13/07/2019 13:49

Time to be honest,sorry A I can’t put Ickes you up it’s the ooh far out of my way. In fact I would stop picking up b and c as well

motheroftwoboys · 13/07/2019 13:58

I don't drive and use public transport or taxis. Don't even expect my DH to give me lifts but am very grateful when he offers - like last night when I was working till 9.30 and it was POURING of rain. Just tell friend A that you will not be driving in her direction and she needs to make her own arrangements. Simples.

Bob5 · 13/07/2019 13:58

Leave it as it is and seeth
Tell A you cant pick her up
Tell A to get to yours and you will take her the rest of the way
Tell A B and C you cant pick any of them up
Charge them 40p per mile and you may fine the problem is sorted for you (AA mileage)
Dont go

Howyiz · 13/07/2019 14:15

Do people start these threads thinking everyone will vilify the cheeky fucker but think that the OP is an amazing, selfless, kind person. Irl people who allow themselves to be used aren't those things they are just doormats.

GabriellaMontez · 13/07/2019 14:21

Everyone else on the group will be delighted when you tell the cf no.

TheFatberg · 13/07/2019 14:27

Really enjoying the unintelligible suggestions of what to say on here. Can't people at least proof read?

ZaZathecat · 13/07/2019 14:31

Do it this time, but next time just explain that it added an hour to your round trip which was already 2 hours, and it was too much for you.

UndertheCedartree · 13/07/2019 14:31

Absolutely or a taxi or a partner might give you a lift.

It gets on my nerves when people who don't drive expect to be ferried around. I would hate to have such lack of independence.

However even worse is when car drivers don't have their car for a day...the whole world comes to a stand still! Any plans have to be cancelled - they are practically a prisoner in their own home. Walking for anything more than 10 min is deemed too much! I think it almost comes across as snobbery when they cancel plans that they know you are travelling to easily enough by public transport/walking but it is beneath them to do the same!

ForalltheSaints · 13/07/2019 14:33

There are probably some things where it would be unreasonable to refuse (or not offer) such as going to a funeral, but in general, I agree with the OP.

As someone who has lived in a car-free household for 12 years.

Weebitawks · 13/07/2019 14:42

I think in future, to save looking like a dick just say you have plans before the meet so don't have the time to drive to hers

HeyAreYouOk · 13/07/2019 14:42

AIBU is full of people just looking for someone to pick apart, OP, please ignore the rude replies.

YANBU. I don't drive and am very grateful for lifts when I get them, but if this person has public transport easily accessible to them while giving them a lift is impacting badly on you, they should definitely stop taking the piss.

I know it is hard but I think the easiest way is just to be quite clear about it. "Anne I realised this week that when I drive to collect you it takes me an extra xxx mins and I find it stressful driving through the roadworks. Are you able to get the bus in future please? This would make it a lot easier and more pleasant for me to meet up with you all each week. There seems to be a bus that goes directly from X to X and it only takes XX mins, so hopefully this would be a good solution for you."

If she gets the hump with that then fuck her!

Missingstreetlife · 13/07/2019 22:45

I often give a lift to an event on the understanding I may leave early so won't take them home. No one has ever objected

WitsEnding · 13/07/2019 23:00

I rarely ask for a lift (and never when it takes people out of their way) but find people are often unhappy with the idea that I could just walk 15 minutes to a bus stop and wait. I've had to be quite rude to people who live near me when a lift would be significantly more inconvenient.

Penelopeschat · 14/07/2019 04:50

You are not being unreasonable. I think it can be hard for non-drivers to understand the extra work, mental and time wise, it takes to drive others in opposite directions.

I have a huge number of friends who don’t drive, or have given up car ownership. I find the latter very respectful and the former sometimes just not understanding. For example friends who haven’t owned cars will often ask me to take them on errands that are a 30-45 minute drive in the other direction: vet, picking up small furnishings, general errands, even kids play dates. All of them could afford taxis, and live where there are good transport links.

I’ve slowly shifted things. I stopped offering lifts unless it works around my and my family’s schedule. And I don’t consider a half hours drive during my children’s tea time or bedtime as an option, whereas before I would make it work and let it greatly and negatively impact our evenings. I’ve also planned ahead with letting them know
I’m not available because we have plans or the children need an early night etc. Stopping something before the request is made I find far easier than saying no. Finally I do want to help friends out, so sometimes I will offer but I make it clear it’s the stars aligned that made it possible, which I think sends a message it’s not something I can do often. Those little shifts have made things far easier and I don’t feel used now. No more 45 minute trips with nary a thank you nor offer of petrol money unless I’m
actively choosing to. It feels nice!

Good luck. Definitely stop making this something your new friends expect.

ImposterSyndrome101 · 14/07/2019 06:12

None driver here, and I use public transport, walk or taxis. Shes a CF and you need to tell them you aren't a taxi service.

IndieTara · 14/07/2019 10:22

OP this is AIBU this is exactly the expected response. If it's affecting your MH ( which I'm sorry to hear about ) you should probably have mentioned that in your opening post

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