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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think if you don't drive then you use public transport?

99 replies

Ofjoseph · 13/07/2019 11:27

I don't mind giving non driving colleagues and friends a lift every now and again. They don't usually ask but I'm happy to offer. I joined a meet up type group a year or so ago and I'm meeting them tomorrow night. I've somehow become the driver for 3 people so now my night is picking up person A from busy traffic filled area (it means taking a completely different road to get to venue which is busier and will add 25 minutes or more and means I have to navigate completely horrific roadworks which I hate as I struggle to understand the roundabout now it's so coned off). Then pick up people B&C. On way home I'm now going to have to drop A, B and C. This means over 3 hours driving round trip when it should have been less than 2. I won't enjoy the event as much and I'm pissed off. I don't mind picking up B & C as they're only a few miles out of the venue's way and they're in a quieter area. Person A always seems to think meeting up should fit around her non driving and it's annoying me now. Aibu? She could quite easily get public transport. She lives in a busy area which has plenty. It would take her about half an hour to get there. It will take me about an hour and a half.

OP posts:
dustarr73 · 13/07/2019 12:28

As a non driver,im getting sick of people who are unable to say no blaming others.

She asked you said yes and now you are moaning about it.

Do it for this week as you have already agreed and just tell her no from next week.Job done.

Pinkyyy · 13/07/2019 12:31

YABU you chose to say yes. Why are you being used as a minibus service?

BlackAmericanoNoSugar · 13/07/2019 12:33

Put a message up in the group chat telling A that family issues mean that you won't be able to leave your house until X time and you don't want to be late to the event. Also you have to be home as early as possible so won't be able to drop her back. Isn't it lucky that there are such good public transport connections from her house to the venue?

Gooseygoosey12345 · 13/07/2019 12:34

You didn't "somehow" become driver, you allowed yourself to become driver by being accommodating when you didn't want to. You should've said no in the first place. So now you need to speak to her and say "sorry but I won't be able to collect or drop you off as you don't live on my route to or from the venue. If you can get yourself to somewhere on my route I'll continue to take you, if not then you'll have to use public transport". No point in moaning about it if you're not going to do anything. As far as she knows you're happy to do it, she's not psychic.

BlueSkiesLies · 13/07/2019 12:35

Did you loose your backbone when you joined the group

BlueSkiesLies · 13/07/2019 12:36

People that say ‘yes’ to things then have a right old bitch about said thing/person really piss me off.

AnneLovesGilbert · 13/07/2019 12:38

If you’re going to do it anyway then not sure why you posted. You’ve had a huge variety of excellent suggestions. You don’t have to use them but you’ve said you’re not happy spending all night driving, so people are trying to help.

Original poster
Ofjoseph · 13/07/2019 12:38

I recognise I've been a mug. I'm going to unwatchable this thread now as it's not good for my mental health. I'm having a shit time at the moment and this isn't helping. Thanks for your thoughts.

OP posts:
AnneLovesGilbert · 13/07/2019 12:40

Most of the replies have been helpful. Being a doormat isn’t going to help your mental health either.

Original poster
Ofjoseph · 13/07/2019 12:41

Neither is being told I'm a doormat.

OP posts:
Rayna37 · 13/07/2019 12:42

I find there are often one or two of these non drivers who require lifts in a meet-up or similar group. I tend to assume it's one of the reasons they're looking for new friends. I've never lived anywhere that I'd have been happy to be without a car and even if you do, if you're trying to join in with the same things at the same time as people who drive you're going to struggle sometimes.

ChikiTIKI · 13/07/2019 12:46

Could you ask person A to get to your house if they want a lift? Just say it's out of the way and will save time of she comes to your house and ask if she can do it.

They might realise it's easier for them to just meet at the venue, and then hopefully realise that what she was asking you to do was unnecessary.

I would just avoid the meet-up but I'm a massive introvert, and quite lazy too. In future you could say you don't have time to drive that way maybe?

TheChain · 13/07/2019 12:47

I had a friend who until recently didn’t drive. She lives 15mins in the opposite direction to the rest of our group, she used to ask me for lifts... if our destination required me going past near where she lived I would say yes but otherwise I would either ignore it (it was in a group chat) or I would say no because it added 30 mins onto my journey.
Not once did she ever take it badly or think I was a bitch, she knew it wasn’t always convenient for me.

I hate being the driver for other people in general though because I like to be able to leave when I’ve had enough and not have to wait whilst others decide if they’re having another drink or whatever

SnuggyBuggy · 13/07/2019 12:48

Maybe this group isn't good for you

londonrach · 13/07/2019 12:50

Tell them you cant do it! No biggie

BendingSpoons · 13/07/2019 12:52

Next time, how about saying, 'Sure, I'll be driving on the A1 route this time to avoid the horrendous traffic by the roundabout. I could pick you up at 7.30 from the supermarket carpark/bus stop there etc'. That way you are showing willing but not having to go so much out your way.

I said this to a colleague once (the pick up place was genuinely convenient for her and out of my way, but less so than her house). She declined the lift, which wasn't my intention but fine by me.

fedup21 · 13/07/2019 12:52

Maybe this group isn't good for you

Agree. You need to learn to say no.

Disfordarkchocolate · 13/07/2019 12:59

If I was in your group I would think she was cheeky for asking unless her home is on your route. Next time she asks say no.

IHateUncleJamie · 13/07/2019 13:01

It's very easy for people to say they'd say no when they're in an anonymous forum. I doubt many of them would in reality.

@Ofjoseph this is precisely why I’m trying to teach my dd19 that saying “no” is fine and her right. I had an abusive and overcontrolling mother and nobody was allowed to say No to her so I grew up as a people pleasing doormat. There’s no shame in that because I understand that I was conditioned to do that.

If that rings any bells with you then please don’t get upset - you can’t go back in time but what you can do is make changes going forward. This is YOUR time, fuel and mileage and it’s not selfish to set boundaries and be assertive.

It’s taken me a long time to learn to say “No, sorry, that no longer works for me” and “No, I can’t do that from now on” and every time you do it, it gets easier.

Person A is not your child nor your partner, her transport issues are not your problem. Just keep repeating that to yourself, take a deep breath and text her today or say in the group message that picking her up is no longer possible.

TheSerenDipitY · 13/07/2019 13:02

next time she asks for a ride, say oh no sorry ive actually got some stuff on beforehand and ill be coming from the opposite direction... it would be so much faster for you to grab a bus

IwantedtobeEmmaPeel · 13/07/2019 13:04

I really don't understand why you could not have said No and explained that it would add an extra hour to your journey and so not possible. No need to be rude, just state the facts calmly. No-one would have thought you were a dick.

SugarPlumLairy2 · 13/07/2019 13:08

Op, I’ve been in the same position where some one makes demands and I feel bad saying no. You’re a nice person being taken advantage of.

Send a group message, say “hey sorry, I’m goung to be running late on event date so can’t do pick ups, as they add an extra hour to my journey time which is looking tricky. Hopefully will see you at event on time though. As it will be a long day I hope you’ll understand I won’t be doing door to door drop offs either, but can drop you at nearest station/bus stop if that helps “

And going forward just say sorry that doesn’t work for me it’s in opposite direction but if you can ALL get to (easy en route location) I could pick up from there.

Take care OP, don’t let the CF get you down 💐

dottiedodah · 13/07/2019 13:15

You need to get tougher !.Apart from anything else who pays for all this extra petrol?.Just be straight and say "sorry ,I cant really pick you up as well as its really out of my way and makes me late home !.Anyway the bus/tube/uber stops really near you doesnt it!".Some people seem to think its their right if they dont drive, to get a free ride from whoever .Its not on!

minionsrule · 13/07/2019 13:19

For all those non drivers who never ask for a lift.... will you have a word with my work colleague? We have been in our offices 3 years, she doesn't live near many other colleagues so she expects people to be responsible for getting her to and from work if her usual lifts are not in.
If you say no it isn't convenient she literally hounds and begs and makes like you are her only option..... she could get public transport but that is obv not so convenient for her.
Last time she asked me it involved 2 texts and 4 phone calls even after i said no.
She does the same to other people so i understand 'just say no' doesn't always cut it with some

amusedbush · 13/07/2019 13:25

'just say no' doesn't always cut it with some

Scream "fuck off and get the bus, you scrounging cunt" in her face. That should do the trick Grin

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