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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think if you don't drive then you use public transport?

99 replies

Ofjoseph · 13/07/2019 11:27

I don't mind giving non driving colleagues and friends a lift every now and again. They don't usually ask but I'm happy to offer. I joined a meet up type group a year or so ago and I'm meeting them tomorrow night. I've somehow become the driver for 3 people so now my night is picking up person A from busy traffic filled area (it means taking a completely different road to get to venue which is busier and will add 25 minutes or more and means I have to navigate completely horrific roadworks which I hate as I struggle to understand the roundabout now it's so coned off). Then pick up people B&C. On way home I'm now going to have to drop A, B and C. This means over 3 hours driving round trip when it should have been less than 2. I won't enjoy the event as much and I'm pissed off. I don't mind picking up B & C as they're only a few miles out of the venue's way and they're in a quieter area. Person A always seems to think meeting up should fit around her non driving and it's annoying me now. Aibu? She could quite easily get public transport. She lives in a busy area which has plenty. It would take her about half an hour to get there. It will take me about an hour and a half.

OP posts:
Chloe9 · 13/07/2019 12:03

I hate how people always blame their inability to say no on others not driving

Saying "no" is a much more vital skill than driving. There are no medications with a warning on that says "do not say no whilst taking these" and no Doctor needs to sign you off to be able to. There are no tests and no age restrictions. It doesn't cost anything either.

MuddlingMackem · 13/07/2019 12:07

YANBU.

Is there anyone else in the group who could give her a lift? Either way, just post that you're sorry, but you will no longer be able to give her a lift due to other unavoidable commitments, and she will need to make other arrangements, perhaps after the next meeting, perhaps from now. But as a PP says, get her telt.

I don't drive, and if I can't get there on foot, by public transport (or by lift from DH if I absolutely have to be there), I don't go.

Isatis · 13/07/2019 12:08

Just tell them you can't do it due to other commitments, and leave it at that.

However, if you can't cope with a roundabout with roadworks on it, you really need to learn.

anothernotherone · 13/07/2019 12:08

You won't look a dick if you say no clearly pointing out that it will involve an hour's extra driving for you while she could get there in 39 minutes by public transport. If she then persists in the group she'll look like a dick, not you.

Alternatively don't respond at all in the group and just message individuals directly, but some people are pretty enough to check who's read group messages and try to "out" you as though you're rude for not replying, so a clear, calm, logical no is best.

ATM you look like a push over and people will assume that you're desperate to be liked or a weak character, saying yes to unreasonable requests from CF doesn't usually work in your favour or make you look great.

AnneLovesGilbert · 13/07/2019 12:08

OP, honestly, if these people aren’t your friends unless you pander to their requests then they’re not really friends.

Original poster
Ofjoseph · 13/07/2019 12:08

It's very easy for people to say they'd say no when they're in an anonymous forum. I doubt many of them would in reality. Thanks for the wakeup call though.

OP posts:
Pinktinker · 13/07/2019 12:09

Don’t do it. A lot of the time the issue is people struggle to find a backbone and say no so of course some CF’s take advantage. Don’t be a doormat!

pestov · 13/07/2019 12:10

I have said no in group chats plenty of times! You'd be surprised what others think of her asking

Original poster
Ofjoseph · 13/07/2019 12:11

''However, if you can't cope with a roundabout with roadworks on it, youreallyneed to learn.''

You haven't seen this roundabout. It's mental! Luckily I don't have to use it often as the other main road is much more convenient from my house.

OP posts:
itsaseaturtles · 13/07/2019 12:12

Op no one reading that message will think you're a dick. They'll all likely think, that's fair enough.

She's being a pushy fucker asking so much.

Yes it's fine to ask for a lift if it's on the way, but knowing it's not and still asking is just selfish.

SudowoodoVoodoo · 13/07/2019 12:13

"I'm sorry, that doesn't work for me"
You can publicly decline in a polite way.

In one of my youth groups, we once had a pair of siblings and a non-driving mum. Every time we did something off site, something would kick off. She couldn't possibly find the venue on google maps etc. Generally, if practical, the leaders didn't mind giving a lift, but that's dependent on factors like not going directly from work in a different direction or physically having the capacity for additional car seats. As she had two children and some of us had our own children occupying seats, we could rarely offer help, and she was one of those people who very rapidly drained people of good will. Support from other parents ran thin quickly as there was always a problem with any suggestions and offers other than directly bussing them for her. She sulked off in the end and while it was a shame to lose two pleasant children, it was a relief not to have her being a drain over everything.

The beauty of it being over group chat is that the audience can see that you are being polite and reasonable if you explain that it's simply not practical to divert off on a 3 hour round trip. It can actually be better than it being by PM if she's likely to whinge about it.

Sockworkshop · 13/07/2019 12:13

How did you "somehow" become the driver ?
Did they ask or you offer ?
If its not working for you just say so !

bridgetreilly · 13/07/2019 12:14

It's perfectly fine, even in a group chat, to say 'Sorry, it actually makes my journey a lot longer to pick you up and I don't have the time for that. B and C are on my way, so that's no problem.'

anothernotherone · 13/07/2019 12:17

Ofjoseph I say no publicly and often, including to things which everyone else appears to be going along with, but I'm over 40. A lot of younger women find it difficult, having been conditioned to want everyone to like them above all else, which is shit.

Being confident saying no is arguably a more important skill than driving around roundabout with roadworks on them, though if you drive regularly both skills are worth working on just in case you're caught needing to do either unexpectedly! You could book a one off driving lesson specifically for the roundabout issue if you feel unsafe on roundabouts with roadworks, but obviously don't do it for this CF, only for yourself long term!

Alarae · 13/07/2019 12:18

My friend can assume I'm happy to give lifts so when I really can't be bothered, I will purposefully say "oh ill meet you there! Let me know when you are outside to meet etc"

Shuts down any lift requests.

ohhahhh789 · 13/07/2019 12:19

If you feel uncomfortable just saying no why don't you try and turn it on it's head and say 'yes that's fine I'll pick you up from (specify a location convenient to you)'. You wouldn't have looked at all unreasonable then. As you have now agreed why don't you message her and say you have just realised how difficult it is to get to so would need to collect her from (venue convenient for you).

TheHandsOfNeilBuchanan · 13/07/2019 12:20

Can you not rescind the offer? Message her directly 'hi Sharon I had the misfortune of travelling the route I'd have to travel to you before X event, today. It was horrific, the traffic was so bad because of the ongoing road works I'm going to have to add an hour extra each way to my journey and even then we might all get stuck and not make it in time. I know the train/bus gets you there in about twenty minutes, so know you won't mind meeting us there! '

Yabbers · 13/07/2019 12:20

It only happened because you agreed to it. Your fault for not saying no.

Just get her telt.
😂😂 Haven’t heard this for ages! My granny used to say it.

Hereward1332 · 13/07/2019 12:21

'Can I have a lift'

'Sure. Be at mine for 7 and we'll pick B and C up on the way'

Job done. She will look a dick if she objects.

FriarTuck · 13/07/2019 12:22

Or just say “hey, guys I’m sorry I can’t pick you up any more as I have other commitments before and after group!” You don’t need to delve into it!
This ^^ Job done permanently.

IncrediblySadToo · 13/07/2019 12:23

It's very easy for people to say they'd say no when they're in an anonymous forum. I doubt many of them would in reality

His rude to accuse people of ‘lying’ simply because YOU wouldn’t do it

It’s nit difficult to reply on a group message saymg ‘sorry, mo I can’t itll take me x amount of extra time, sorry. Fortunately the bus/train is convenient/direct/whatever and it’ll only take you 30 minutes - see you there.

BrendasUmbrella · 13/07/2019 12:23

Invent a commitment that means you have to be home earlier and can't take her.

sackrifice · 13/07/2019 12:26

Hi all - I'll have to meet you there as something has come up, shall we say 8pm?

SilverDragonfly1 · 13/07/2019 12:26

I don't drive, so I either work out how to get places by public transport (though I live in London so that's like easy mode) or I don't go. I think YANBU

Trickyteens · 13/07/2019 12:28

I agree, be unavailable beforehand or just say you no longer can.

Related to this, I learned the hard way to say things like, "I'll have to check, what did you have in mind?", when asked the dreaded question, "what are you doing x or y date?" These vague questions are usually followed by a request for a favour, or having something dumped on you. Get full details of the request first.