Hello, longtime Mumsnet lurker here. This is my first post.
DH (40) and I (35) are expecting our first baby this autumn. It is a much-wanted baby for us both and we are both delighted about this.
DH is extremely caring in many ways and overall our relationship is a very happy one. I had a difficult pregnancy earlier on and was advised at one point to prepare for the worse, which thankfully did not materialise. As a result of these earlier issues, DH and I agreed that I would not go into a job once my professional training course completed earlier this year. So at the moment, I’m preparing to launch a business within my field, that I can do from home, with young children. DH is therefore taking care of all of the bills, for which I am extremely grateful and I take care to show my gratitude to him.
DH and I are from different cultures – me: British/English. DH is from Eastern Europe. We are very aware of the challenges that our cultural differences have created in our relationship – especially during the first year of living together. Mainly due to differing habits and expectations around meals.
DH and I both purchased properties elsewhere before we met nearly 3 years ago. However, for financial and work-related reasons, we currently live in a furnished rented house, which DH has lived in for around 6 years and which he has been reluctant to move from unless we buy a property in this area. His reluctance to move has been due to financial and practical reasons, as this house has relatively cheap rent for this area (probably due to no central heating upstairs and a bit of a damp/mould problem - mostly under control now). However, he freely admits that he is quite emotionally attached to the house as it holds lots of memories from his bachelor days.
Partly because of DH's work, which often involves lates/nights, we sleep in separate bedrooms. However, even when DH has a day off, we still sleep in separate bedrooms because DH snores (but refuses to see a doctor about it) and his snoring stops me sleeping. When we share a bed on holiday, his snoring is often much better or non-existent - we suspect that this is because a better-quality mattress and bed helps to greatly reduce or eliminate the problem.
As mentioned, the house is furnished. There are two main bedrooms, one with a double divan (which I sleep on, using the mattress that I brought with me when I moved in over 2 years ago). DH sleeps on the kingsize divan and mattress in the other bedroom. We would both like to share a bed, and bedroom. However, DH has been very reluctant to replace one or both beds, as he feels there is “nothing wrong with them”.
Both divans (plus DH’s mattress) are part of the house furnishings and have been here since before DH moved in (he previously shared with a group of male friends, who left one by one to cohabit/get married). So he is the only one left here. DH categorically did not want us to move into a new place together when we agreed to move in together, due to the aforementioned attractions of this house for him.
I brought my own (fairly new) double mattress and metal bedstead when I moved in. However, although I’ve been sleeping in my mattress for most of that time. DH has been very reluctant to replace the existing divan with my bedstead, despite the fact that he never sleeps in that room .
I hate the fact that both divans and DH’s mattress ‘came with the house’, were clearly here long before DH moved in 6 years ago, have definitely been used by quite a few different people (including people neither of us have ever met) and are stained.
I accept that it is DH’s choice which bed he chooses to sleep on. But I firmly believe that it is unreasonable of him to expect me to sleep on his mattress or either divan (even with my relatively new mattress on top), especially when I’m not asking him to spend any money, as my own new bedstead is downstairs in the garage. He is a big guy and has any number of burly bloke mates who would readily help him swap them over. I’ve even said that I’m happy to pay myself for two chaps from a Man With A Van-type outfit to come and do the swap themselves. We have lots of stuff in the garage but room could definitely be created – e.g. we could sell the home gym equipment that DH never uses and which he’s been saying he needs to sell.
Today, I attempted to raise the matter of the divan in my room with DH. I felt I had to do this, as even if I get the ‘Men With a Van’ to do the deed, DH is often at home (or pops in and out) in the daytime/ so it’d be hard for me organise while he’s out.
My experience in raising this with DH today was much the same as last time. He is calm (DH never loses his temper) but I feel like I’m banging my head against a brick wall as he doesn’t seem to see my point of view about it, unless I get really upset. Which I did, today.
I’ve tried to explain that it’s really unnecessary and not OK, in my opinion, for a 35 year old woman (with a baby on the way, to boot) to be expected to sleep, indefinitely, on a stained, old mattress slept on my God-knows-how-many people over the years. DH still says he can’t see what’s wrong with the divan, particularly since he and his mother draped a sheet over it a few months ago (so it wasn’t touching my mattress). To me, this still doesn’t make it OK, as the divan is still the same divan and the outside of the base (the part that would be covered with the skirt of a valance) is stained too. It’s just grim!
I’ve put up with the situation for two years. But it upsets me that our baby’s cot will be in close proximity to the divan. DH says he can’t see any problem, as they won’t be touching. Nevertheless, DH balked when I suggested buying clean, good condition secondhand baby items, such as a cot and pram. He said that “everyone” in his country of origin buys new baby things.
I asked DH whether he thinks it would be OK to expect our young child (once they are old enough to need a proper bed) to sleep on an old, stained divan (and/or mattress) – particularly if we had means to buy new ones, or indeed if we had a new one in the garage. I asked him how he thought his future child would feel in that situation, knowing that her DF didn’t want her to have a nice new bed, yet had the means to provide one. DH went quiet at this point. I’m very sure he would want our child to have a new, clean bed divan and mattress.
DH is now saying that we can perhaps look to buy a new kingsize bed and mattress that we can both sleep on. So perhaps what I’ve said has sunk in. However, this whole thing has really upset me, as we have the financial means to buy a new kingsize divan (and mattress) for us both. It just feels that DH can’t be bothered or doesn’t think somehow that I am deserving of what to me is an incredibly basic thing – a clean bed of ones own.
After having it out with him (unfortunately, I was raging), DH said the reason he doesn’t want me to use my own bedstead is because it is black and metal, as aesthetically he doesn’t like it. (Yet we have some of our own black metal furniture items in the living room that we chose together and which he likes).
What makes all of this feel even worse is that DH recently spent over £2K (on 0% finance) on a (big, black) sound system for downstairs, even though the existing speakers still worked OK. He returned the largest speakers, costing £1K for the pair, thanks to some encouragement/pushing from myself, as it was obvious that they were way too large/powerful for our living room. This wasn’t just my opinion – online tech advice websites said exactly the same thing. He agreed he had made a mistake in buying them.
DH says that his standards/expectations around the divan issue would be shared by anybody from his home country (really??) However, I’ve said it’s not at all OK for here.
What upsets me even more is that DH’s property in his home country (which his MIL and FIL now live in, having sold DH’s childhood home) looks like something out of a magazine, or at least the Next catalogue! All nice, new, spotless furniture. DH says this is because it’s a relatively newly purchased/renovated property and he had to furnish it from scratch. DH says though that MIL and FIL wouldn’t have a problem sleeping on old divans/mattresses like we have here, were they in the same circumstances as us (again, really??)
Either way, I have said to DH that the situation with the divan is not acceptable to me and I don’t know anyone (amongst my family and friends, at least) who would be OK with it. As far as I know, it’s something you’d ‘accept’ only if you were in desperate circumstances or had little choice due to accommodation restrictions – e.g. homeless, asylum seeker or student.
DH is now saying that he never said I couldn’t have a new bedstead. If that’s the case, why, over 2 years on from me moving in, are we still having this conversation and I feel like I have to get really upset and angry before he takes what I’m saying seriously? I feel completely unsupported by him on this. To make matters worse, whilst I’ve had a few truly crap relationships in the past, I can’t think of a single ex who wouldn’t have agreed that (particularly post-student days), I need, from Day 1 of moving into whatever property, a nice, clean bed of my own. And I’m sorry to say that I told DH this.
I would be grateful for others’ thoughts on this. Not sure if pregnancy hormones are getting the better of me (hence the rage) or whether DH truly is behavingly crappily on this point.