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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to think that giving a stranger intimate details of your life is really inappropriate?

97 replies

Saitama · 12/07/2019 22:38

Been with DP for 5 years, lived together for 2. DP and I went on holiday in a different part of the country. At a shop there was a woman who had lived in the same country that DP is originally from.

Unknown to me at the time, DP had got this womans number and had started texting her after we got back home. Pretty much straight away in his messages, he had been telling her bad points about our relationship and sex life. The woman said she wasn't interested in anything more than friends with him after he said this (she obviously assumed he was saying it for a reason as he jumped into that topic so quickly). She then stopped replying to his messages as she must have been very uncomfortable/awkward with what he was saying.

When I saw the texts I said it's totally inappropriate and has hurt me etc, DP thinks that it's fine and normal as he "needed to vent to someone" - I said why a random woman that you barely knew? I don't want my dirty laundry airing to practical strangers!!

We're due to go back to that location on holiday again soon and I am feeling very uncomfortable to be around where that woman might be again. DP thinks its fine and he doesn't understand why I'm reacting like this

AIBU to think that what he did was fucking weird and inappropriate?

OP posts:

TwistyTop · 13/07/2019 08:45

He's looking for an affair. Please leave now before it gets ugly. You can do better.

Parrakeet · 13/07/2019 08:47

He was up for it and everyone here knows it. Had she been a different person, he may have already packed his bags and you wouldn't have to get rid... however, here you are, asking for advice and making excuses...

StickybeakSiameezie · 13/07/2019 08:49

He’s sniffing around for a shag. He doesn’t want to shag his friends that’s why he’s not ‘venting’ to them. Do yourself a favour and get rid of this wankstain.

yarenbaren · 13/07/2019 08:57

Creep. Why are you still with him?

mathanxiety · 13/07/2019 09:04

Going to a new holiday destination would make no difference to his behaviour.

longwayoff · 13/07/2019 09:05

Ohhhhh. I'm sorry OP, he's a 🐖. He'll remain a 🐖 and get more 🐖🐖🐖 piggish. If you can possibly remove yourself from the relationship, please do. Good luck.

lottiegarbanzo · 13/07/2019 09:05

How is talking to random women and colleagues about sex not creepy? It's the definition of creepy!

IncrediblySadToo · 13/07/2019 09:15

He needs to vent an awful lot - I’d hang him in the washing line in the garden, by his balls!

Of course he was trying to get into her knickers don’t be so daft

Myimaginarycathasfleas · 13/07/2019 09:45

He wasn't venting, he was fishing. She knocked him back. This might not be the first time and it won't be the last. Sorry, OP, but unless you are OK with him playing away, and you don't sound like you would be, it's time to move on.

lifebegins50 · 13/07/2019 09:52

How old are you? Do you have DC?

Your focus is on trying to make him understand you as you think he doesn't get it. What you have to know is he does get it but doesn't CARE.

I spent years with a man because I thought he was basically decent but didn't get some (important) stuff. I tried to get him to understand but it was a complete waste of my time and effort. I was naive and trusting but he was also super manipulative which didn't become apparent until much later.

If you accept that he does know it's wrong then you will see his motivations much clearer. The most likely scenario is that he likes to play the victim and portray you as an awful partner. This could be to seek out new partners or just to devalue you, which is often the prelude to a discard.
Has he been the "victim" of previous nasty Ex's?

I feel for you as you will feel even more on edge from this holiday and yet he will make it feel as if it's your fault.
If you have no dcs then I would say to walk away..no good man does this, despite how charming and outwardly caring he might otherwise appear.
If you have dcs I would plan to walk away as victim mentality partner often turn very unpleasant.

ILearnedItFromABook · 13/07/2019 10:01

...Yes, I'm afraid he sounds extremely strange and gross. If he "just" needed to vent, why couldn't he do that on an anonymous forum (like you're doing now)? And he's done this multiple times (colleagues and random woman)? That's so disrespectful!

Even if he honestly wasn't trying to start something with that woman and doesn't understand why you have a problem with his behaviour (doubtful), that doesn't make it ok. It only means that he's intensely weird and clueless. You've explained to him how uncomfortable it's made you feel, yet he continues to disregard your completely valid response.

He doesn't sound like a good partner, to be honest.

Shoxfordian · 13/07/2019 10:10

He's treated you like a mug
Wake up and dump him

F2Feee · 13/07/2019 10:17

You're intent on making excuses for him and refuse to see how creepy he is. Carry on then.

Original poster

Saitama · 13/07/2019 10:47

Thanks for all your replies and for helping me see it from a different point of view. Maybe you’re right and he was trying to get pity to make people be interested in him. I just never thought that he was like that.

I left my ex partner due to DV. So it’s hard for me to see red flags sometimes

OP posts:

PlinkPlink · 13/07/2019 11:38

Bless you, darling.

You are entitled to be with someone who, in the very least, respects you. You deserve to be with someone who cherishes you, who supports you, who complements your personality, who boosts you when you need it, who gives you tingles all over, who genuinely cares and loves you, who doesnt piss and moan like a spoilt brat because you haven't had sex. You deserve it all because everyone does. Everyone deserves to find someone worthy of themselves.

It might be worthwhile getting some counselling to work on yourself. By that I mean, to start seeing your worth and value. Because you sure as shit are worth a million of him.
Get a hobby outside of the relationship too. For me, music is my forte. I joined an AmDram group and it was great fun. It was also all part of rediscovering me and my self-worth again.

I've had to do the counselling too. For me, the moment when I knew I'd done enough was when I was on OLD and I got angry. I got angry at men thinking they could talk to me like shit. Men thinking that they were gods gift and I was lesser. Men thinking that my feelings and standards didn't matter. I got angry and I wouldn't fucking put up with it. Anyone who made me feel a bit uncomfortable, or said something a bit off... they were gone. Didn't want to waste my time on them.

I hope, in time, you reach that point. Discover you, discover your self worth and realise you are worth more than this.

mussolini9 · 13/07/2019 14:27

I think it’s really weird and inappropriate but not creepy.

Weird & inappropriate is pretty much the definition of creepy in this case.

But it's even more concerning that he's not listening to you.
Is it maybe time to evaluate what YOU are getting out of a relationship with a creepy guy who airs your private business in public, & worse - justifies that with his "neeeding to vent" excuse?

AquaPris · 13/07/2019 15:06

He's being wildly inappropriate and she clearly felt uncomfortable

BellatrixLeStrangest · 13/07/2019 19:11

Complete arsehole. Get rid of him. Normal men don't do this in relationships and I can't imagine my DH doing it to me.
Just seems so odd and creepy.

Bouledeneige · 13/07/2019 20:08

Classic lines of an adulterer. He is disrespecting you left right and centre.

DariaMorgendorffer · 13/07/2019 20:17

You deserve better. Life's too short to be with someone like that. It is complete creep behaviour, and don't let him tell you otherwise.

RedSoloCup · 13/07/2019 20:32

I was added on fb by an old school (male) friend. Within a day or two he was PMing me about how unhappy he was with his wife and sex life.

I removed him. They aren't still together though as his page is open.

AmIRightOrAMeringue · 13/07/2019 20:56

It's not you OP

Nobody would want to have sex with a guy who texts random women personal stuff about their girlfriend.

Why doesn't he talk to you about his issues rather than others? Even if he was being genuine, hiw on earth would a stranger help? What is so bad that he continually needs to 'vent' rather than actually sort out any issues?

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