Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think that giving a stranger intimate details of your life is really inappropriate?

97 replies

Saitama · 12/07/2019 22:38

Been with DP for 5 years, lived together for 2. DP and I went on holiday in a different part of the country. At a shop there was a woman who had lived in the same country that DP is originally from.

Unknown to me at the time, DP had got this womans number and had started texting her after we got back home. Pretty much straight away in his messages, he had been telling her bad points about our relationship and sex life. The woman said she wasn't interested in anything more than friends with him after he said this (she obviously assumed he was saying it for a reason as he jumped into that topic so quickly). She then stopped replying to his messages as she must have been very uncomfortable/awkward with what he was saying.

When I saw the texts I said it's totally inappropriate and has hurt me etc, DP thinks that it's fine and normal as he "needed to vent to someone" - I said why a random woman that you barely knew? I don't want my dirty laundry airing to practical strangers!!

We're due to go back to that location on holiday again soon and I am feeling very uncomfortable to be around where that woman might be again. DP thinks its fine and he doesn't understand why I'm reacting like this

AIBU to think that what he did was fucking weird and inappropriate?

OP posts:
ElizaPancakes · 13/07/2019 02:18

I do believe he didn’t message her intending to be creepy or flirty. He just doesn’t think before he does things and didn’t think how it would make me feel. He still can’t see it from my point of view though*

Babe. Don’t be naive. He was laying the groundwork. If this woman had come back with a saucy wink emoji and said that she knew how to take care of a man, he would have been there in a shot.

He’s being disrespectful to you and creepy towards other women, I think you know this in your heart of hearts.

Orangeballon · 13/07/2019 02:43

This is what some men do when they are trying to hit on a female, the other posters here are 100% correct, you have been brainwashed.

Butterymuffin · 13/07/2019 03:22

It absolutely was deliberate. What everyone else said.
Don't stick around for more of this. Is your house mortgaged or rented and in whose name?

saladf1ngers · 13/07/2019 03:32

What if she had responded favourably to the texts?

What if she became his emotional crutch?

Seems like the whole situation is a giant red flag

Happynow001 · 13/07/2019 05:22

Just saying that there’s problems in our relationship and that we don’t have sex regularly (still inappropriate and none of their business though)
How foolish is his behaviour? How can he not see that these inappropriate revelations are more likely to have negative results on his relationship with you and, very likely, you may not then want to have sex with him?

Yeahnahmum · 13/07/2019 05:26

Dont worry about her. .
Worry about him!
What a tosser

nrpmum · 13/07/2019 05:31

I think he should be talking to you about your relationship, not anyone else.

mathanxiety · 13/07/2019 06:06

Everything Sn0tnose said.

Every single word.

Of course he is fishing, hoping someone will 'bite'. Some men buy a puppy and hang out near coffee shops when they are on the pull and want to present themselves as sensitive souls. Yours is badmouthing you in hopes that his targets will be flattered he has chosen them to confide in. One day some woman with low self esteem will be so flattered that he thought her special that she will make herself available.

You are incredibly naive, OP, or possibly so inured to his appalling treatment of you and total lack of respect for your relationship that you can't see the nose in front of your face.

mathanxiety · 13/07/2019 06:08

Just saying that there’s problems in our relationship and that we don’t have sex regularly

What do you mean 'just'?

Can you not see that he is telling these women he is lonely and sex starved?

Deuxcaggages · 13/07/2019 06:35

Are the work colleagues he’s vented to also female. Sack him off, he’s a wrong un.

SummerInTheVillage · 13/07/2019 06:35

Another vote for creepy.

Widowodiw · 13/07/2019 06:42

He was clearly hitting on her. I’d. R more concerned about that.

AllOverIt · 13/07/2019 06:54

He's creepy. And shit.

You deserve better

Fluffycloudland77 · 13/07/2019 07:02

My first thought was he’s fishing & hoping to start an affair with her.

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 13/07/2019 07:10

Please don't show him these threads until you've decided how to handle this.. He will come up with more reasons why he is right and you are wrong.
What he is doing is not fine and normal. YANBU
Even if he wasn't talking to people about your sex life and marital relations, which is as you've said completely inappropriate, so much so that you are embarrassed to visit his workplace, even if he was just saying negative things about things that annoy him about your relationship to work colleagues and random women - it would still be as you've said hurtful and in appropriate.. and disloyal.

If you had a female friend who went around berating you to everyone you knew and telling them embarrassing private details about you... would you accept that was fine and normal in a friend - or would you think. This person is not my friend, friends don't behave like that.
On that basis he's not even your friend. He doesn't have your back. It must make you feel if someone criticises you - that he would jump in and agree with them. That is not how someone who likes and respects you or loves you enough to be worth staying with behaves.

You've asked him to stop and told him its inappropriate for him to say that to colleagues ( because you are looking out for his position at work) and that it hurts you ( which is normal) and he refuses to stop this behaviour because he "needs to vent." He needs to continue bad mouthing you to other people because it helps him? In fact he has only stopped doing it now because he has been promoted.. ie because it would cause problems for him at work - not because you asked him too.

How do you even know he's done this and what he's said and did you find the texts to the woman or did he show them to you? If he's told you about these conversations with workfolk as I suspect, or said things to them in front of you and made it easy for you to see these texts - then that is a whole different ball game..
Its not venting. Why would he even have to do this? Its a way of saying, the person I am with isn't good enough for me. Poor me. Take pity on me. I have to agree with other posters that particularly in texting this random woman it sounds like he was hitting on her. HE IS NOT GOOD ENOUGH FOR YOU?? What does he do for you in this relationship. Is he someone you can trust, rely on, who makes you happy or feel good about yourself. It doesn't sound like it.

You've been together for five years and lived together for two..how long has he being doing this?. It sounds like at least in the last two years . How many more years do you want to put up with his behaviour? Its not getting better. I hope you can find someone in real life to discuss these problems with, someone who won't immediately tell you that you are wrong and that its only natural for him to behave like this. Best of luck xx

JoyceJeffries · 13/07/2019 07:11

What a creep.
He was clearly trying to do the ground work to start an affair.

Isatis · 13/07/2019 07:13

Did he even explain why he got this woman's phone number? That's weird on its own.

Figure8 · 13/07/2019 07:19

He is fishing for attention/sex/ sympathy, whatever
But he's your PARTNER. He should be protecting your interests and safeguarding your reputation to others.

Him telling strangers and co workers intimate details is disloyal.

Nofunkingworriesmate · 13/07/2019 07:23

He is so unhappy about your sex life he feels totally justified in telling colleagues and random women , he’s doing this to humiliate you. Your sex life is not going to improve with babies, you are not sexually compatible, so why you still with him?
I don’t think you are going to dump him but you can change holiday destination

Cliques · 13/07/2019 07:24

Every guy at work who has ever “opened up” to me about their relationship problems (particularly in the bedroom) has then tried it on with me. It’s a classic line, very much the same as “my wife doesn’t understand me”.

None of their other halves thought their partners were creepy either.

Even if he isn’t doing it for that reason (which I don’t believe), his actions show an utter disrespect for you and your feelings. He is more than happy to make sure those around him think you’re awful. That’s not the actions of a loving partner.

Time to move on

FattyPedalsFuriously0hPipNo · 13/07/2019 07:39

He was trying to start an affair, aside from anything else I wouldn't be going back to the same place for holiday.

AnyFucker · 13/07/2019 08:24

I bet he doesn't need to "vent" to Timothy who is male, middle aged and not very pretty

NauseousMum · 13/07/2019 08:30

Why on earth are you still with someone who disrespects you like this? Disrespects you and upsets other women.

Dump the loser. Find someone without verbal diarrhorrea who doesn't disrespect.

Coffee2sugarsthanks · 13/07/2019 08:30

Wow! He actually gave a random woman in a shop his phone number when he has a girlfriend and is actually on holiday with you...

SavoyCabbage · 13/07/2019 08:41

Of course he didn’t text her about your sex life. That’s not how you start a new relationship.