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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Shopping with a toddler and baby

81 replies

Sugartits2012 · 12/07/2019 17:47

I have a 7 month old who hates being in the pushchair and a hyperactive three year old, so I absolutely detest going shopping with them. My DH wants to go shopping to buy new clothes for himself, he wants us to come along but not in the actual shops. He expects me to entertain them outside the shops for ages whilst he browses alone.

I explained that it is better for everyone if he goes shopping alone, and I stay home with the kids. He’s now in a strop stating I can’t cope with two kids in public and I’m ruining “family time”.

Am I being difficult? I just think it’s better to keep the children at home whilst he shops in peace. Rather then running after a toddler in a busy shopping centre and a crying baby.

OP posts:
arethereanyleftatall · 12/07/2019 20:22

This is so desperately sad. Op, I feel so so sorry for you. Do whatever you can to get away from this utter arsehole of a man. X

SudowoodoVoodoo · 12/07/2019 20:23

He sounds vile and emotionally abusive. Your only place (to him) is in the wrong. What you actually do is irrelevant, it will be criticised with the opposite action.
He gives you just enough care to stop you slinging his stuff out.
A good father supports the mother of his children. That doesn't mean you have to agree on everything, but discussion is civilised, balanced and away from the children.
You sound like a great mum who understands and meets their needs.

You need a good think about the future.

AbbyHammond · 12/07/2019 20:25

He's not normal. Normal men don't treat their wives like that. There's something very wrong with him.

AmIRightOrAMeringue · 12/07/2019 20:26

Hi OP

Constant criticism, gaslighting, controlling what you do with your spare time, is all abuse.

So you had kids to keep him happy, its left you with life changing health conditions, yet you feel like you owe him!? His abuse has worn you down you might not see how crazy this sounds. If your health is too bad for you to work, you're doing amazingly to look after 2 kids. Just 'providing food and shelter' whilst abusing someone is nowhere near enough!

Funnily enough lots of fathers provide that, do their share of parenting when they're home, and make their partner feel loved and supported.

And making food from scratch isn't being a great parent. Making your kids happy and feel loved and bringing them up to be kind, confident, productive members of society is being a good mum. Judging by his behaviour, his mum completely failed. And why did none of her great behaviour run off on him!?

Seriously you need to get plans in place to leave, how are your kids going to feel hearing him say that when they are older? They will probably start to belittle you as well or either have relationships with people that belittle them as they think it's normal.

Peachy8 · 12/07/2019 20:29

Agree with everyone else, nothing "family time" about that. Maybe do it once and then say next week you want family time so can he reciprocate and watch the children while you shop Wink

Rainatnight · 12/07/2019 20:30

Oh OP, you poor dear. Taken together with all his other behaviour, it sounds as though this shopping stuff is about knowing where you are ALL THE TIME, nothing to do with family time.

I’m sure you’ll get great advice on the relationships board, but do consider ringing Women’s Aid.

NabooThatsWho · 12/07/2019 20:35

He’s abusive and you sound worn down OP Flowers

He’s not a good partner or father and you would be happier on your own (you do all the parenting now anyway and at least you wouldn’t have to live with someone criticising your every move and controlling you).

RainbowMum11 · 12/07/2019 20:35

How is it family time if you're wrestling the kids outside shops, waiting for him to shop. Why don't you meet him for lunch with the kids as a compromise?

Gatehouse77 · 12/07/2019 20:48

I can be a bit arsey but I’d be saying sure and the following weekend we’ll swap and I’ll go shopping while you look after the kids. Any reason (excuse) he uses to not do it would be used against him. Backed up by all the comments he’s made about being a crap mum.

hormonesorDHbeingadick · 12/07/2019 20:56

Oh my goodness, you are worth so much more than this.

thatwouldbeanecumenicalmatter · 12/07/2019 20:57

Just remembered you have a baby - you can talk to your Health Visitor about how your H has been treating you as well, they are there to help you.

arethereanyleftatall · 12/07/2019 21:15

Just as a gauge on other people's relationships op.
Say your dh goes and spends £200 on new clothes whilst you stand outside the shops waiting for him with dc this weekend.
Then, it's entirely reasonable for next weekend you to go and spend £200 (from the JOINT pot which only he can put in to atm as you're on the childcare role but is nevertheless both of yours to share) on new clothes for yourself whilst he stands outside with the dc.
That's perfectly fair isn't it?
How do you think that would go down if you suggested it to him?

NauseousMum · 13/07/2019 07:58

He sounds awful. Not a good dad or husband, real jeckel and hyde character.

It's appalling he will emotionally abuse and deride you like this. You sound a great mum and most parents cut corners.

NauseousMum · 13/07/2019 07:59

And shopping is not family time!

PhillipeFellope · 13/07/2019 08:30

You can do better, than him I mean. You are a good mum, a normal mum! You're children are happy, clean, fed and warm. Your dh is a dick. He is a bully. You owe him nothing, especially when he makes you feel like this.

I thiuthis was going to be taking kids to do a food shop and was going to say stick baby in a sling, eldest in a buggy with a packet of crisps and do a quick shop of the stuff you need for the weekend, then do an online shop for the rest. But clothes shopping!!? With two under 4!? Not even for them so no reason for them to be there!? Fuck no! Absolutely not!

SusieOwl4 · 13/07/2019 08:37

You say you can’t work as if you are putting yourself down ? But look at what you are doing physically and your organisational skills every single day. You are doing a great job . With very little help by the sounds of it .

Hugsandpastries · 13/07/2019 08:38

From reading through your other comments lower down it sounds like there is something really wrong here.

Of course you’re not a weirdo for doing a wash every day, or for not wanting to trail him shopping with two young kids (I have just one three year old and avoid shopping!). He won’t remember what it was like when he was a toddler, so he won’t know if his mum cut corners at that age. Bet she wasn’t cooking quite as much from scratch or making cabinets when she had young children. Very different doing those things when you’re retired or have no young ones.

It seems like he’s deliberately picking on you and trying to undermine you.

BigChocFrenzy · 13/07/2019 08:42

He sounds awful, emotionally abusive, no respect for you

Dreadfully sad that you have been left with significant health problems when you didn't even want kids

You shouldn't live the rest of your life like this

I hope you can make a better life for yourself 💐

Pinktinker · 13/07/2019 08:45

Clothes shopping is tedious enough without a baby and toddler in tow, it sounds like hell. Definitely not a family day out.

TheHandsOfNeilBuchanan · 13/07/2019 10:54

I wanted to go clothes shopping a few weekends ago, DH stayed home with our 7 month old, I messaged him when I was nearly done and they came into town to meet me, we had lunch then went to the beach, there is no joy to be had shopping with children.

beingmum39 · 13/07/2019 11:53

No man is worth your tears and the one that is will never make you cry... Remember that ... If you're children are happy you're a good mother... If you're husband is saying otherwise then he is a dick!! Perhaps he is jealous that despite not being maternal you became maternal, your kids became your world and you conquered motherhood Shock

Emr81 · 13/07/2019 15:46

Wow, this is such unacceptable behaviour from your partner and I really feel for you - it's awful to be unappreciated, undervalued and put down for your parenting skills. You sound like an amazing mum and should be praised for the obvious love and attention you give them especially with the health issues you've suffered.

In the case of the shopping trip, you're in tune enough with your kids to know that they aren't quite mature enough for what he's asking. I think he's actually being a pretty rubbish parent, if he wants not only you but his toddler and baby to be bored and frustrated for hours while he tries clothes on - he sounds incredibly selfish or as others have said, controlling.

Has he always been like this? If you think back to before you had kids, was he so controlling and belittling towards you? If he wasn't, can you pin point when his horrible behaviour started?

MummBraTheEverLeaking · 13/07/2019 16:12

He probably didn't want children either. He wanted you trapped Sad

It's the old adage, if he was an abusive twat all the time you'd have left ages ago. He peppers in being nice and attentive (when no kids around) so you don't leave his ass.

Leave his ass. He's an utter cockwombling abusive arsehole.

You are a great mum Flowers

coconutpie · 13/07/2019 17:02

LTB. He contributes nothing to your life.

ElizaPancakes · 13/07/2019 17:07

He sounds absolutely horrible.

My gut feeling is just saying leave - but maybe you should take yourself away for a few days and see how he copes. Although no doubt everyone will rally because they do when it’s a man don’t they Hmm

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