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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Shopping with a toddler and baby

81 replies

Sugartits2012 · 12/07/2019 17:47

I have a 7 month old who hates being in the pushchair and a hyperactive three year old, so I absolutely detest going shopping with them. My DH wants to go shopping to buy new clothes for himself, he wants us to come along but not in the actual shops. He expects me to entertain them outside the shops for ages whilst he browses alone.

I explained that it is better for everyone if he goes shopping alone, and I stay home with the kids. He’s now in a strop stating I can’t cope with two kids in public and I’m ruining “family time”.

Am I being difficult? I just think it’s better to keep the children at home whilst he shops in peace. Rather then running after a toddler in a busy shopping centre and a crying baby.

OP posts:
arethereanyleftatall · 12/07/2019 19:01

I've read the whole thread now.

Op, he sounds utterly unbearable.

Can you leave/kick him out?

MrsSiriusBlack1 · 12/07/2019 19:08

You sound lovely and obviously love your kids, him on the other hand is not lovely and a selfish twunt to boot, please know that what your doing is not crap parenting it’s normal for everyone, what’s not normal is the way he treats you! Please don’t let him grind you down and don’t believe his shite! Flowers

misskatamari · 12/07/2019 19:09

He sounds awful! Does he have any good points? As from what I've read so far, I would be seriously considering if this was a relationship worth staying in

thatwouldbeanecumenicalmatter · 12/07/2019 19:19

Hi OP, this is awful, he sounds emotionally abusive and deliberately chipping away at your self esteem when really you sound like a very good mum. Can I suggest that you think about starting a thread in relationships board as this sounds like an unhealthy relationship, MN can help x

NCforpoo · 12/07/2019 19:24

Nothing you're saying sounds like cutting corners. Sounds like normal parenting. What does he contribute?!?

Minai · 12/07/2019 19:25

Yanbu. At all. I have a 7 month old and a 2 year old and going shopping with them sounds like my idea of hell on earth. That is not family time. The only person that sounds fun for is him. He sounds like an arse to be honest. You don’t sound like a crap mum by any stretch of the imagination.

NCforpoo · 12/07/2019 19:26

Also how is it family time if he's in the shop and the rest of your outside. Would suggest you say you also need clothes and leave him outside to do those. Make sure he does his shopping first so you can be generous... and the kids will be cranky.
I would suggest that, but I think a better suggestion is he's a dick and you can do better.

Luxplus · 12/07/2019 19:27

Why in the world are you with a man like that?? Sad
You are suppose to be a team and help eachother... I would seriously reconsider the relationship.

inthehammock · 12/07/2019 19:29

Well OP, on the nights I'm too tired or busy, my children just don't get washed. I tell myself it's good for the environment Grinbut actually they're both terrified of the shower, and I feel bad about that, so I honestly think showering yours is an awesome achievement.

Any way, it's all by the by. The things you mention are trivial parenting shortcuts most people do, don't feel they're failures. The issue here is not shopping or how well you parent, it is that you're not in an equal relationship and your "D"P doesn't value your contribution. Does he think because he works he's doing you a favour, so you can stay home and do all the menial, undervalued stuff?

You're on your knees with exhaustion, and he kicks you when you're down. This is NOT the way someone behaves when they see someone they love and value struggling.

Are you going back to work after mat leave? (I'm a SAHM so no judgement, but in your case I would make sure I was working).

transformandriseup · 12/07/2019 19:29

Goodness we only have a newborn and my DH does the shopping while I stay at home with her. It makes sense.

Not to scare you but my mum used to take my brother and I shopping together when we were a toddler and a baby (18 months apart) and and she was so sleep deprived she forgot to pay and was arrested Blush

Pinkgin22 · 12/07/2019 19:29

Op that’s not cutting corners. That’s normal parenting. He wants the kids but wants you to do all the parenting? He sounds horrible OP. I think you’d be happier without him.

Flyingkites123 · 12/07/2019 19:34

Just wanted to echo that what everyone else says; his behaviour is not OK. I get that leaving with 2 kids when you have no job is pretty much impossible. But whilst you're with him, always remember that how he's treating you is not ok. It's nothing to do with you; he'd treat anyone like that.

We all 'cut corners' as mums, how else do you get anything done??

Sounds like he's so controlling that you'll have to do the shopping trip.

Kpo58 · 12/07/2019 19:36

How exactly is standing outside shops with 2 young bored children whilst your partner spends ages instead the shops family time?

What exactly (apart from money) does he bring to your relationship?

AmIRightOrAMeringue · 12/07/2019 19:37

Hi OP

It sounds like you do 100pc of the parenting and his contribution is...criticising you for bloody everything.

Seriously he is treating you like absolute shit

inthehammock · 12/07/2019 19:41

It's very unattractive that I eat my food so quickly

God, I'd missed this on my last read. How the hell you haven't given him a kick in the nadgers so hard he'll never have another child I don't know. You don't eat your dinner to look fucking desirable (definitely not with two children under three around) - you're not there to beautify his day like an ornament.

Nothing less attractive than being a nasty bully who is rude and unkind.

Marshmallow91 · 12/07/2019 19:43

I think any family time would be immensely improved by getting him to fuck.

Tell him he's being a selfish wanker, and just because he calls something "family time" it doesn't mean that he's actually doing anything for you or the children. He can take the kids himself while you have some alone time.

He gives me the actual rage.

SignedUpJust4This · 12/07/2019 19:44

What a dick. Tell. Him to stand outside with them while you go shopping. See how much he enjoys 'family time'

Original poster
Sugartits2012 · 12/07/2019 19:49

I never wanted children, I had a good career with a nice social life, but he really wanted kids so I gave in. I love my children they’ve become my world but gosh it’s so hard, he tells me I’m a crap mother all the time. I told him I was never maternal, but I’m trying my hardest. My kids are happy and they are very attached to me, but that’s not enough.
He compares me to his mother who cooks everything by scratch, grows her own fruit and veg in her garden, even makes her own pie pastry, and makes her own set of cabinets with wood (seriously wtf?). I remind him I’m from a different generation and I was bought up to concentrate on my education.

We used to get on really well, he still says he enjoys my company and he loves spending time with me. Every night he wants to watch something with me, he’s very affectionate and gives me a foot massage when he can see im exhausted, but it’s always when kids are asleep. He’s nice to me when the kids aren’t around, as soon as I’m a mum again he’s back to insulting me. He says he loves me but as a mother I’m shite. My kids are clean, well fed, have a clean tidy house, attend nursery/playgroups, have good routines. It’s never enough...

Thank you everyone

OP posts:
Original poster
Sugartits2012 · 12/07/2019 19:57

I can’t go back to work because my second birth left with me life changing health conditions. I guess he makes me feel I do owe him, I ask him for help but he says he provides me with shelter and food, and that’s enough.
He moans I don’t wash his clothes enough, so I started doing a load everyday, then he went mental saying I’m doing too much laundry. He asked if I’m mentally ok as what weirdo does a load everyday? I just broke down crying and he just walked off.

I think you are right, I will start a thread in the relationships section. Thanks everyone I guess I’ve been in denial for so long.

OP posts:
Coffeeisnecessary · 12/07/2019 20:04

Just wanted to echo what everyone is saying. He sounds absolutely awful op and you sound like you are doing the best for your kids, doesn't even sound like cutting corners, just sounds like normal parenting. If you can get out and have anywhere to go you should. He sounds like a terrible father to be insulting you like this in front of the children.

AppropriateAdult · 12/07/2019 20:07

Oh OP. You only get one life; do you really want to spend it living with this bully who deliberately makes you feel like shit? You deserve so much more than that. Please start making your plans to leave Flowers

LettuceP · 12/07/2019 20:09

OP this is really bad! No decent person would tell their wife and mother of their children that they are a crap mother. They really wouldn't. He's awful

Kpo58 · 12/07/2019 20:10

I can’t go back to work because my second birth left with me life changing health conditions. I guess he makes me feel I do owe him

No, he owes you. You have life changing health conditions giving him the children that HE wanted.

LettuceP · 12/07/2019 20:17

I never wanted children, I had a good career with a nice social life, but he really wanted kids so I gave in he didn't want children, he just wanted to get you away from your job and your friends and isolate you.

whattodo2019 · 12/07/2019 20:19

Ridiculous! Unless you can leave the children with a family member or friend for a morning.
Surely a grown man can buy his own clothes??