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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH staying out no message

70 replies

Magnificentbeast · 12/07/2019 09:59

DH came home at 6am this morning (Friday). He was at a work conference and then drinks/dinner last night. I woke at 1am and messaged him to see where he was. Went back to bed. He replied to say it was going to be a late one. No shit!--

When I woke up for work at 5.30am he still wasn't home. He had messaged at 4am to say his personal phone battery had died and was using his work mobile. He was at the mainline station. No trains.

He came home after midnight the night before. Not sure but very late.

He regularly comes home during the week after midnight. It's easily done if you leave at closing time the gaps between trains are longer.

6 am, however, is a different entirely. Selfish & disrespectful. AIBU that this is not great behaviour for an adult in their 40s with a wife and 2 young DC?

It happened before and I couldn't get through to him on either mobiles . I thought he had had an accident or worse. I was distraught.

He brought me up a cup of tea when he got home this morning and said "sorry". He then crawled into bed and started snoring. AngryAngry

I woke him to tell him that he was in charge of getting DC to where they needed to be (different places) and I went to work.

He then messaged me to ask why I had left youngest DC for him to drop off when I normally do it. I didn't reply to that.

I've had quite a tricky two days "off" with the pre-schooler whilst DH has been working, yes, but also being taken to restaurants and for drinks. Maybe I'm being a tad resentful at being left at home holding the fort. Once he's out he just doesn't know when to go home. Angry

OP posts:
Tallgreenbottle · 12/07/2019 10:03

Yabu tbh. He was out enjoying himself and let you know where he was and when. Why are you annoyed he wasn't home when you were asleep anyway? Not like you had plans he had to be back for.

Make sure you get your own time and you wont be so pissed off. If it's part of his job to be wined and dined then you are being especially unreasonable for being resentful.

NoSauce · 12/07/2019 10:03

Where the fuck did he say he’s been till 6 in the morning?

NoSauce · 12/07/2019 10:04

Wining and dining clients/customers etc does not take all bloody night.

PCohle · 12/07/2019 10:05

What exactly was he doing all night?

AquaPris · 12/07/2019 10:08

He warned you, texted updates and was put with work after a conference having a night out. Slightly annoying but something he, as an adult, is occasionally entitled to. So long as he kept you generally updated, didn't slam around the house at 4am and said sorry I don't see the issue

HiItsClemFandango · 12/07/2019 10:09

Where was he until 6am?

CarolDanvers · 12/07/2019 10:11

I'd be angry but I wouldn't have left my children to deal with their drunk, hungover, useless father tbh.

When my ex stayed out that late as he regularly did it turned out he was having multiple one night stands. If he's doing this regularly I would he wanting a few more details.

AquaPris · 12/07/2019 10:13

I think you need to have a conversation as I think leaving the youngest was actually really petty, and dangerous as he likely couldn't drive, because you're so resentful (working and having dinner drinks isn't like just going out for fun all the time, it's still work).

You need to arrange some time for yourself

NoSauce · 12/07/2019 10:15

Hate to say it but could he be having an affair?

Original poster
Magnificentbeast · 12/07/2019 10:15

I realise he's a grown adult and I'm not his mum but I do expect some sort of reasonable explanation. I'm still waiting.

You're right @CarolDanvers about leaving him to sort the kids. Not great on my part. I've struggled the last couple of days and just wanted to get out.

OP posts:
Scorpiovenus · 12/07/2019 10:16

Sounds like a great relationship..... not.

Don't know how op puts up with that tbh.

Original poster
Magnificentbeast · 12/07/2019 10:17

He doesn't drive @AquaPris. It was petty of me.

OP posts:
CarolDanvers · 12/07/2019 10:17

@Magnificentbeast it's shit I do get it. Been through similar myself. Hope you can get on top of it x

Original poster
Magnificentbeast · 12/07/2019 10:29

I genuinely don't think it's an affair @NoSauce. He just doesn't know when to leave.

OP posts:
Original poster
Magnificentbeast · 12/07/2019 10:34

I think 6am is extreme @Tallgreenbottle. Especially when the kids are awake and ask where he is.

OP posts:
NoSauce · 12/07/2019 10:38

But where would he actually be till 6am? Did he go back to a colleagues house/hotel room?

LakieLady · 12/07/2019 10:42

Did he miss the last train and have to wait for the first one? I've done that a couple of times.

Or, do what a friend of mine used to do regularly, fall asleep on the train and wake up in some god-forsaken town on the south coast with no way of getting back to south London?

RollOnSummerBreak · 12/07/2019 10:47

I wouldn't put up with that at all. No way. He has responsibilities at home. He needs to know where to draw the line.

Original poster
Magnificentbeast · 12/07/2019 10:51

@LakieLady @NoSauce - as yet I don't know the details.

OP posts:
NaviSprite · 12/07/2019 10:58

I’m with you on this OP. Staying out late once in a while is fine (with prior notice) but coming home after midnight most nights is a bit of a piss take whilst you’re at home looking after your DC (unless his work hours are the reason for it).

I think leaving him to deal with DC was a bit much in hindsight but to be very honest I’d be tempted to do the same with my DH if he did this to me. Petty? Yes. But then staying out until 6am when he knew you had work to get to today (as well as DC to look after) is ridiculous IMO.

If his work hours aren’t the reason for his staying out past midnight most weekdays, how much time does he actually spend with your DC? Obviously I don’t know the full ins and outs of your family dynamic but if I were in your shoes and this was a recurring issue with my DH, I’d be having a very stern word.

Hope you get some reasonable answers from him OP.

I can remember the last time my DH did this to me (out until 5am with one text around 4.15am saying he was waiting on a taxi) he’d told me it was just a drink or two after work (he finished at 4pm that day) and didn’t text or call to let me know it was going to be a later one than expected. I was out of my mind with worry that he’d been in an accident or attacked Sad

MammaMia19 · 12/07/2019 11:01

I wouldn’t be happy but I think Yabu on your children leaving him to take them out when you normally drop the youngest off. Was he actually safe to drive them about on no sleep and might of been over the limit still?! I don’t agree with using to kids to make a point to him.
Yanbu about being annoyed at him coming back at midnight and then 6am the day the day after. I don’t think it’s very respectful of him

MammaMia19 · 12/07/2019 11:02

Oh sorry just seen he doesn’t drive I take that point back but I think you should of still took the youngest if you normally do that

AnyFucker · 12/07/2019 11:04

He "doesn't know when to leave" ?

Leave where at 6am ? Hmm

AnyFucker · 12/07/2019 11:05

I would be very suspicious about the nature of this "entertainment"

TanyaChix · 12/07/2019 11:08

I’m with you. 6am is pretty ridiculous but it’s the lack of courtesy towards you in updating you. I’d also get him a portable charger so the battery dying won’t be a factor in future.

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