DH staying out no message

[Magnificentbeast]

DH came home at 6am this morning (Friday). He was at a work conference and then drinks/dinner last night. I woke at 1am and messaged him to see where he was. Went back to bed. He replied to say it was going to be a late one. No shit!--

When I woke up for work at 5.30am he still wasn't home. He had messaged at 4am to say his personal phone battery had died and was using his work mobile. He was at the mainline station. No trains.

He came home after midnight the night before. Not sure but very late.

He regularly comes home during the week after midnight. It's easily done if you leave at closing time the gaps between trains are longer.

6 am, however, is a different entirely. Selfish & disrespectful. AIBU that this is not great behaviour for an adult in their 40s with a wife and 2 young DC?

It happened before and I couldn't get through to him on either mobiles . I thought he had had an accident or worse. I was distraught.

He brought me up a cup of tea when he got home this morning and said "sorry". He then crawled into bed and started snoring.

I woke him to tell him that he was in charge of getting DC to where they needed to be (different places) and I went to work.

He then messaged me to ask why I had left youngest DC for him to drop off when I normally do it. I didn't reply to that.

I've had quite a tricky two days "off" with the pre-schooler whilst DH has been working, yes, but also being taken to restaurants and for drinks. Maybe I'm being a tad resentful at being left at home holding the fort. Once he's out he just doesn't know when to go home.

No @mrmanc he never took lessons or passed a driving test. I wish he would but that's a whole other thread!

He is a higher earner and the MD was there. Seemingly 'encouraging' people to stay. I get it but I don't get the extreme of work socialising. He often stays late in the office. There's usually some deadline or other. Occasional trips away. Rarely here for bedtime. During the week we mostly see him in the morning when I sort myself and the dc and he sorts himself. He takes big dc to school. I take little one until she goes to school. He's knackered and slightly grumpy on the weekends, as anyone would be. Something has to give and I honestly would prefer it to be extreme work socialising!

I worry about him. His health, lack of family time. We don't get the best of him. I think the less you're around family, kids the harder it is to switch gear, especially if work is so demanding.

It seems they ended up at a club until 4 and then he got stuck at the mainline station. One dead phone battery and the other not able to organise an Uber. So first train home.

@Crunchymum he did go to work for another long day.

@Magnificentbeast I get that, I’ve been there. Though not to the extremes it sounds like he is - and I do call 4 or 6am extreme if it’s regular - he’s not a kid any more. Sometimes it can be caused by company culture. If the big bosses are visiting then they expect to cut loose and be kept company. If it’s his boss that acts like this then he will expect your husband to be part of the team and emulate him. Otherwise your hubbies promotional opps will be less likely than if he was ‘one of the guys’ - I’m not saying that’s acceptable, but it is very much true - at least in my experience (especially if it’s a sales role, London based and is an international firm).

Speaking for myself only, I’ve often felt so much pressure to keep the bills paid I over prioritise work and just do what it takes to succeed, even if it’s to the detriment of our health. I’m a similar age and this is peak earning potential time, maybe he is thinking he is doing all this for the greater good?

If I were you, I’d get a holiday booked in and have this conversation (that you’re worried about his health and you also have anxiety issues that are being exacerbated by his behaviour) when you’re a week in. Once he’s out of the work environment for a week he should start to rebalance and he’ll be more like his old self and open to discuss it.

More than anything, talk to each other.

Re getting in at 6am I can see how this happened if he had to wait for the trains to start but how far was it? I would have rather got an Uber? Screw sitting at a train station for a couple of hours! Clubs and bars often kick out at 3am so was he at someone’s hotel?

I do think it’s irresponsible on a week day when you have work the next morning and DC to look after. I’d also be a it concerned as to what he was doing until 6am. I’d ask him straight out what he was up to and see his answer and go from there.

Gosh what more did you want? He texted and kept you up to date. Well done on acting like a brat though

TBH this is the trade off for the lifestyle you have.

YANBU!

FFS! He regularly comes home during the week after midnight leaving you alone with 2 young dc and the majority of household tasks presumably?

I know plenty of people who earn over £100k (mostly men to be fair) and they still manage to have a bit of a family life. It’s what you prioritise, and he is making work and networking a priority. And I would put money on him being encouraged into things that OP wouldn’t want to know about if he’s out getting pissed with clients or whoever until the early hours. He still had his work phone so no excuse not to keep OP updated about what his plans were.

I'd be angry too, it's a lack of respect for you all. How's he managed to work straight after ? It's not just the staying out it's the recovery as well, it will take him a day to be 'normal'

I can't believe how many people are saying you reacted like a brat!
Your husband needs to parent. Socialising doesn't come first whether it's connected to work or not.
Who the hell socialises until 4 or 6am during the week? He's not a student for goodness sake.
You were right to leave it to him to get dc to school or wherever they needed to be.
I'd be asking a lot of questions and insisting on a lot of changes. And make sure you get some time off for yourself.
And the dead phone - really?

Yanbu, he's taking the piss imo especially as its a regular occurrence. I would much rather be broke and my husband gets to spend time with me and the dcs then only seeing him properly at the weekends due to regular piss ups with colleagues

With the exception of the name calling I appreciate the replies. Sometimes I need help with gaining perspective.

You might as well be single if he's not there for bedtimes, home past midnight every night and you just see him very briefly in the mornings.

I couldn't live with that OP that sounds miserable.

Some of the answers here

Everything comes at a price. If you want a wealthy lifestyle and you weren’t born into it, both of you are going to have to work very hard for it.... and other aspects of life suffer.

If it’s not worth it then the job needs to go.

I am astounded at some of the replies on here.

You work too - your husband should have been home and rested enough to look after his own children.

I would be furious OP.

I can't believe what some people are prepared to put up with in a realtionship.

You are both at fault here. You resent him and he doesn't care enough to come home at what you deem a reasonable hour.

I think regularly coming home after midnight sounds unhelpful - but I'm not sure if that means 2-3 nights a week or once a month. If its a few nights every week I think its not fair as a parent.

I personally cant imagine how you stay out till 6am if it doesn't include someone's bed or couch? Even my DD19 who loves clubbing is in my 3.30am. I don't really understand what all the blase repliers to this think is normal? How do you stay out till 6am? Is sleeping on a station bench something that happens all the time?

My XH did this. It wasn't innocent.

Every time a woman comments on here negatively about her husband the result is he's having an affair.

DH left the pots in the sink - it doesn't look good I think he is cheating !!

It depends on the job tbh. Until a couple of years ago she had a job that, when client entertainment was called for, he had to basically be out until the last person wanted to leave (and yes that did sometimes mean 5 or 6 in the morning).

And anyone who doesn’t know how you can stay out that late - conferences = hotels where bars stay open until the last person leaves.