AIBU to wonder if marriage is necessary?

[QueenofPain]

I know the party line on MN is largely “get married before having DC as you need the legal protection”.

However, if the woman is the higher earner with a very healthy pension (in this case almost double the male partners salary) and has accepted that SAHM life is never going to be on the cards for these financial reasons, is marriage the best financial decision? Is it not the best financial decision but perhaps a good idea for other reasons?

This was touched on in a thread the other day, but not enough for me to fully understand. Obviously I could go and read the law and the facts, but anecdotal information seems to offer more insight into real life situations.

Marriage would probably not be your thing if you want to keep your money, but you will have to root around a bit for someone dizzy enough to have children with you without protecting themselves, if they're going to be out of work for a bit looking after them.

I would say it's usually the best, safest option but there must be exceptions as there are to everything.

Whoever has more is better off not getting married IMHO.

Couple of points: you can get married and not be a SAHM. Also, marriage isn't purely a financial decision. I wanted to be married because I knew that everything would just fall into line - no inheritance problems, spousal privilege, unlimited transfer between DW and DH, plus of course - Love?

On this topic there is something in the news today that Theresa May has changed things so it is possible to change a marriage to a civil partnership.

Any thoughts on the difference and how people feel about one of those instead?

Even if you’re the higher earner, if you own significant property together and DP dies you’d be seriously stung by inheritance tax.

If I’m honest that’s the main reason we married, just tied other legalities up easily too. We also love each other but we’re never obsessed with marriage or weddings so we just popped to registry office then went for some champagne and later a Thai meal with about 6 guests.

A lot of people prefer a civil partnership to a marriage because it doesn't come with the same associations (patriarchal / religious). I thought civil partnership was a panacea offered to allow people in homosexual relationships to have a legal recognition of their partnership, but without upsetting religious institutions by allowing them to get married. Now there is equal marriage, I'm not sure why people would want civil partnerships. But perhaps that's because I have been sold and swallowed the idea of civil partnership as 'marriage-lite' and maybe I shouldn't. What bonused are there of civil partnership over marriage?

Are you planning to have children?

I married a good man for love and did not really think last past that. It has worked out brilliantly for me so far.

I think marriage means different things to different people. It's nit just about earning, You would also need to know all about both of your assets, finances and personal circumstances before someone could give a clear cut answer to do with a marriage purely for financial protection bring the right thing or not.

@herculepoirot2 At some point certainly, in the next couple of years.

@Leafyhouse Yes, sorry. I used the SAHM reference as people usually mention the benefits of marriage in these situations where a woman has seemingly reduced or completely lost her earning power and marketability in the work place, due to taking on the SAHM role.

@Barbie222 I already have a partner, I wouldn’t be expecting them to stay at home either. I imagine a situation where i’d have normal maternity leave and then we’d use childcare and hopefully some willing grandparents. A fairly standard arrangement.

I married for love and not a lot else. Financial security didn't come in to my head at the time.

So when you say it's not 'necessary', it depends on why you want to get married.

Providing both parties are equally happy not to marry, there seems no particular need for it if you are both genuinely okay to remain unmarried.

It obviously gets brought up a lot on here due to the nature of the forum, but a female colleague of mine has recently found herself in a situation where her husband of 30+ years has left her for their friends daughter, and she’s having to a sign a large amount of her pension and other assets over to this piece of shit husband, and is now so sick of the whole process she’s agreeing to it just for the freedom from him. She’s worked incredibly hard all these years and done the lions share of child rearing (kids now both at university), while he’s pissed about a lot of their life together as a self employed person and not declaring a lot of his income (and potentially siphoned it off somewhere).

It seems sad to me that she’s worked for all this, been left in such a way, and is now so beaten down that she’s giving him a large amount of what she’s worked for.

As in love as I am, I would like to protect myself as far as practically possible from things like this.

But yes, I do think there are other reasons. I think children prefer their parents to be married, for everyone to have the same name and so on. I’m old-fashioned and will probably get flamed but you did ask!

As in love as I am, I would like to protect myself as far as practically possible from things like this.

I’m sure that’s true of everyone. Your partner would be a bit of a fool to agree to this, though.

@herculepoirot2 No flaming from me! I asked the question, I was prepared to hear all answers.

@QueenofPain does your partner want to get married ? How long have you been together ?

It’s always a risk for the higher earner but that’s the deal. Choose your spouse carefully, make sure house/kids/free time/finances are fair and mutually agreed then take the leap.

I’ve got friends where she’s the sole earner, will get a final salary pension, saved up and bought their/her house, he’s SAH to their DC. She’d love to get married and he’s said no from the very start. He’s an utter fool. No salary, doesn’t plan to work again and DC starts school this year, no pension, poor skill set. If she ever sees the light he’ll be totally fucked and homeless but he’s a bloody idiot so what can you do.

@Bourbonbiccy

We were talking about it the other night and I think it’s just one of those things we’ve assumed will happen in future. Jokes often get made about Gretna and beating our friends to it who are having an extravagant abroad wedding next year.

We have been together around a year, but have known each other since our teens. Lots of shared friends all having weddings and things.

There is no immediate plans to get engaged or anything. I’m just asking out of interest really.

It's a public declaration of your commitment to and trust in each other. A genuine intention to share your assets,life and future.
If you are thinking of ring-fencing your own finances then probably best not to marry. You can't predict the future and your high earning power now could easily be cut short by eg an accident or disabled child etc etc

The legal protection is there for a reason.

Marriage protects the lower earner in the relationship. If you are truly in love and committed, surely that protection is the right thing to do, regardless of whether the lower earner is male or female.

If I was the lower earner, I would want to be protected. If I was the higher earner, I would want to make sure the person I love was protected. If I didn't feel like that about a partner, I wouldn't consider myself committed enough to share my life with them long term or have child with them tbh.

(I guess in all fairness, legal agreements that gave the same level of protection to the lower earner would also be fine, or civil partnership etc if marriage itself is not your thing.)

If the higher earner in a relationship wants to base whether or not to get married on the express purpose of being able to walk away with more than the lower earner, that doesn't seem right to me, regardless of whether the higher earner is male or female. But this is Mumsnet, so everyone will probably tell you that the woman should keep everything and the man is a feckless cocklodger!

Also both have said we have no desire ever to have a massive wedding, money far better spent elsewhere. If we did ever get married it’s likely to be registry office or similar low key, minimally attend affair.

@mrsm43s

Did you see my post up above about colleague?
I agree with what you’ve said on the face of it, it’s perfectly reasonable and seems right. Just things don’t always end with such warmth and well wishes for each other.