AIBU to wonder if marriage is necessary?

[QueenofPain]

I know the party line on MN is largely “get married before having DC as you need the legal protection”.

However, if the woman is the higher earner with a very healthy pension (in this case almost double the male partners salary) and has accepted that SAHM life is never going to be on the cards for these financial reasons, is marriage the best financial decision? Is it not the best financial decision but perhaps a good idea for other reasons?

This was touched on in a thread the other day, but not enough for me to fully understand. Obviously I could go and read the law and the facts, but anecdotal information seems to offer more insight into real life situations.

I think the thing is that circumstances can always change and even 9-12 months of maternity leave (never mind the pressures on your career created by just having children - the days off for illness and sports day and school holidays - even when they are shared equally) can take a toll on career progression. It may not look that it would be to your advantage now but actually you don’t know what they future holds. I am very career focused and have a much more prestigious career than my dh, but it requires a long commute and long hours. I’ve worked part time for periods when our dc were young (work 4 days at the moment) because I wanted to. A demanding career, a 5am start, long hours is hard on 4 hours of sleep. I wanted some down time. His career is much closer to home and he’s self employed so much more flexible. You may find different arrangements work as life changes.

Beyond that, marriage is much more about choosing to tie your fortunes to another. My dh and I are fairly equal in terms of earnings. We have each been the higher earner at different times. Being married is much more about choosing to take care of each other legally and financially. It doesn’t matter who would come out better if we divorced. It’s the fact that we went into it with the commitment that we didn’t want anyone to come out in a precarious position, and marriage helps to assure that to some degree.

It’s also symbolic. And I like that. But that doesn’t have to matter as much to you and it may not.

Marriage gave me a sense of commitment to each other that "just" being together didn't. And that sense of commitment is extremely important in the early challenging days of parenthood IMO!

Oh and it's easy to say you won't be SAHP before you have kids, but:

What if you get severe MH problems and can't return to work, like postpartum psychosis?

What if your child has a illness or disability and needs your care round the clock?

What if you love mat leave so much you can't possibly consider a return to work as your job now seems utterly meaningless?

What if you are made redundant and can't find another job?

Depends on the situation and what you want. There are some things you cannot get other than by being married, and there are some things such as greater testamentary freedom that marriage actively undermines. The two are different and the choice should be informed.

Marriage financially benefits the lower earner in the event of divorce or death.

If you both stay high earning after DC (hard if you don’t have childcare help from family or one or both of you gets sick) and get your legalities as sorted as possible, it may not be necessary.

Ideally not high enough earning that IHT is applicable though! There's a sweet spot.

I'm unmarried with 2 dc. Before children I was the higher earner. After maternity leave I was not. I wanted to marry but my partner at the time was always nervous around the subject. He asked me to marry him but then made me cancel after a couple of months. He didn't want to end the relationship but wasn't ready. Four years later he asked me to marry him again while I was pregnant with our second child. It became clear after another 4 years that he had absolutely no intention of sealing the deal so I left. He played the victim beautifully but really has no one to blame but himself, I loved him and wanted us to be what I perceived to be a "proper" family. Some of the posts regarding getting married imply a choice. I felt like I had no choice at all but was completely at his mercy. I cooked, cleaned, washed his clothes, axed logs for the fire mowed the lawns looked after the children (one diagnosed asc) so he could go out to work and fill his bank account while I begged for food money and lived in a clapped out house with dodgy electrics damp and collapsing kitchen!!!! Thanks for the rant guys, a little off piste but I feel much better. Lol x

We married after being together for years and when the DC were small, after a health diagnosis. Just seemed the right time, guess it made us see what was important