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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Preparing for DH being a SAHD (breastfeeding)

65 replies

MamaOomMowWow · 10/07/2019 23:30

I'm going back to work in a few months just after DS turns 1.

DS who is currently 9 months breastfeeds regularly (I don't count but maybe a dozen times a day when I'm at home) whenever he likes. DH has asked me to breastfeed him less frequently because he can't just have milk and the comfort of feeding whenever he wants when I go back to work. I don't really want to refuse to feed DS when he's clearly trying to get at my boobs.

Similarly, DS is cruising and if he has a nasty fall I'll give him a quick breastfeed as it calms him down. DH has asked that I stop doing this because he won't be able to do it when I am back at work. I think DH can find other ways to soothe him but I don't want to give up my best way of comforting him (especially as he's particularly prone to falling over at the moment).

AIBU to say no and just carry on as I am?

If it makes a difference I've said to DH that although we're mainly planning to give DS other non-breast milk during the day, I'm happy to do some expressing so there are some bottles of breastmilk in the fridge if DS particularly wants breast milk. I am even trying to get work to agree to let me come home at lunchtime and work from home in the afternoons, so DS could have a feed then if he likes.

I'd be interested to hear everyone's opinions as I am willing to change my mind.

OP posts:
positivity123 · 10/07/2019 23:42

I think that you will see quite a difference in the feeding habits of a 1 yr old Vs a 9 month old. However I think you need to meet your DH halfway on this one as it's a but unfair on your son to go from having boob on demand to suddenly you go back to work and not preparing him with other ways to comfort himself.
Why don't you try and get him into a bit of a routine (not a strict one) whereby he has proper feeds rather than grazing. So morning, mid morning, lunch, mid afternoon, dinner, bed so he's still getting plenty but when he's not due a feed you try and distract him or feed him proper food.
I think if he's upset try to give him a cuddle first but if he's not soothed then get the boobs out.
I think coming home at lunch and working from home in the afternoon is a terrible idea. If you are at work it is better for everyone to be out the house. You need to let your husband and son learn to cope on their own.

MarthasGinYard · 10/07/2019 23:45

'I don't count but maybe a dozen times a day when I'm at home) whenever he likes.'

Yabu

Sounds like you need a bit of routine for when your DH takes over during the day.

I'd gradually introduce one.

Jamiefraserskilt · 10/07/2019 23:45

I'm all for breast feeding but i can also understand your husbands point of view. In the same situation, i would be making plans to reduce the feeding to first and last thing and stop using it as a comforter. Expressing and letting him feed whilst you are out of the house is also a good way to get the two of them into a routine even if it takes him using your worn teeshirt so dc has your smell close to his bottle feed. It sounds like you are not ready to go back yet. This will require teamwork and preparation you are not willing to do right now. Is this about what is best for the two of them or what is best for you? Compromise is what is needed. I loved having that final feed before bedtime even though I missed out on the daytime feeds whilst working, that was our special time.

TheHandsOfNeilBuchanan · 10/07/2019 23:46

You're making a rod for his back. I BF but generally to schedule now, DS is seven and a half months. If he's poorly or over tired we might have a snuggle on the sofa and he'll bf but that's on occasion bit for every little thing. He's just started crawling (and diving all over the place) if I popped a noob out every time he bumped himself I may as well just be permanently topless. You need to introduce other comfort techniques that your DH can also give. If not it's going to be horrible for your child when you go back to work and everything changes and the only thing he has for comfort is gone too.

Somarefuser · 10/07/2019 23:49

How about trailing the SAHD role before it becomes necessary?
I think your DH is being logical and anticipating problems that may well send your son into screeching fury, and you are hanging on to that thing you can do that no one else can as long as possible.
So let him take over for a while.
You may well find it’s the soft, squishy comfort of a boob DS loves rather than the milk.

AlecOrAlonzo · 10/07/2019 23:54

In my experience the baby will just do something different with a different person. It's not like they are completely inconsolable because there isn't a boob. Sure they will cry but they'll get over it. The person looking after them will just work out their own way of soothing them. It sounds like he wants you to take responsibility for finding that other thing to soothe the baby but really it will just be a massive fuss for you when the baby will just learn after day one that the boobs have gone and dad has a good line horsey rides or cuddles or silly faces or whatever.

Celebelly · 10/07/2019 23:55

Hmm it's tricky. DD is five months and I use boob a lot to soothe her and just because it's a nice thing for us both, but DP has her solo a lot and has his own methods, and when she's with him on his own she obviously isn't looking for boob and is receptive to his methods.

Has he had much time solo with her to see if he can soothe her himself and practice? If you aren't physically there, he might find it easier than he thinks.

Original poster
MamaOomMowWow · 10/07/2019 23:57

n my experience the baby will just do something different with a different person. It's not like they are completely inconsolable because there isn't a boob. Sure they will cry but they'll get over it. The person looking after them will just work out their own way of soothing them. It sounds like he wants you to take responsibility for finding that other thing to soothe the baby

This is exactly what I am thinking and feeling.

OP posts:
amiapropermum · 10/07/2019 23:57

He won't look for it when you're not there. It'll be a different situation and he'll adapt. I wouldn't be changing stuff now but I would do a few trial runs

Tallgreenbottle · 10/07/2019 23:58

You need a routine. By 12m old he should be well on to solids and shouldn't really need any boob apart from morning and when you get home/bed. At around 11m old I'd start introducing one

Original poster
MamaOomMowWow · 10/07/2019 23:59

Has he had much time solo with her to see if he can soothe her himself and practice? If you aren't physically there, he might find it easier than he thinks.

He has him solo for a couple of hours a day at the moment.

OP posts:
AquarianSquirrel · 10/07/2019 23:59

There is nothing wrong with him using your boobs for comfort..that is what they're for, almost as much as for food! You can express at work and/or come home to feed your son. Keep going for a long as you and your son want to and congratulations for getting this far. There's a great picture online stating different "boob stages" and 12 months is golden boobs so you're almost there! It's a bit of fun but really encourages me when I'm finding feeding hard.

Don't let anyone tell you to stop before you and your son are ready. You're doing a grest job.

Celebelly · 11/07/2019 00:01

Apologies, he, was singing to my DD while typing and got confused!

I agree that you shouldn't feel pressured to stop doing something you both enjoy without seeing how it goes first. Could you do a couple of days away to ease them both in?

AquarianSquirrel · 11/07/2019 00:02

Oh and look up a thing called "reverse cycling" too. It applies to day and night working.

Sometimes toddlers can feed more during growth spurts and you don't have to stick to a routine if you don't feel comfortable with that. Why make life more difficult? If however it works for you, by all means do that. Do you!

Original poster
MamaOomMowWow · 11/07/2019 00:15

Oh and look up a thing called "reverse cycling" too. It applies to day and night working.

Ooh thanks for the helpful posts and I wondered whether I might be able to get DS to feed more at night of he wanted it, but didn't know the term. Very helpful!

OP posts:
bluechameleon · 11/07/2019 00:27

I went back to work when DS2 was 10 months and DH took over. He is now 17m. When I'm around he feeds several times a day, when I'm not he just doesn't. It's fine.

Original poster
MamaOomMowWow · 11/07/2019 08:50

I went back to work when DS2 was 10 months and DH took over. He is now 17m. When I'm around he feeds several times a day, when I'm not he just doesn't. It's fine.

Yes, we have a friend who's like this and this is what I thought would happen.

I should also add for those saying we need a schedule that DH won't help with this and it is another thing that he expects me to sort (neither of us are working at the moment) Hmm

OP posts:
MarthasGinYard · 11/07/2019 09:09

'I should also add for those saying we need a schedule that DH won't help with this and it is another thing that he expects me to sort (neither of us are working at the moment) '

Why on earth won't he 'help'

Cannot stand to hear 'help' in place of parent.

I'd point out it's for his benefit and get him parenting. Not 'helping'

DoNotBlameMeIVotedRemain · 11/07/2019 09:11

I would reduce feeds gradually with the aim that DS will only need 2 feeds (morning and before bed) once he's a year old. That will mean you can concentrate on your work and DH can more easily look after DS.

Troels · 11/07/2019 09:17

Your baby will know the difference between his parents, your Dh will find his own way of soothing Ds when you aren't in the house.
Maybe your Dh should start spending the day or part of the day alone with Ds while you are elsewhere, not just in another room. Babies seem to sense when the mother is accesible and want what they want.

Dreamingofkfc · 11/07/2019 09:19

OP, baby will adapt to you not being there. Mine have been total boob monsters but when I went back to work were totally fine without me, just used to wait and feed from me when I returned. Don't listen to the whole 'making a rod for your own back brigade' - absolute nonsense. My youngest is 10 months, will feed pretty much constantly day and night if I let him, if I'm not there or we are out he is really not as bothered. Your husband will find other ways to soothe and distract baby.

EmiliaAirheart · 11/07/2019 09:22

@AquarianSquirrel do you have a link to the boob stages picture?

QueenofmyPrinces · 11/07/2019 09:24

I'm on your side OP.

When I returned to work it meant I was sometimes away overnight and away for 24-48 hours at a time but I didn't start changing the way I parented (including breast feeeibg on demand) just so my DH would find it easier.

DH found his own way to soothe and comfort our son and although it took a little whilst to adapt our son now knows that his day/night will be different dependant on which parent is looking after him.

Booboostwo · 11/07/2019 09:24

I wouldn’t worry about this now, a lot can change between 9mo and 12mo. My two bfed a lot but had no problem adjusting to a different routine with their dad (not at 3mo of course, but by a year old, definitely).

WishingILivedOnAnIsland · 11/07/2019 09:31

The baby will change a lot in the next few months.

He won't demand breastfeeding when there are no breasts present, they are smarter than that.

Do what feels natural and easy to you for the next three months. DH will figure out his own ways of soothing the baby. Don't let him make this your responsibility.

I'd keep an eye on DH's attitude as well. He's already pushing extra emotional and parenting labour on to you to make his own life easier. Be firm. Don't swoop in and solve problems for him. He'll be the primary career in a few months and he'll just have to figure out what works for him & the baby the same as you did at the start.

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