Preparing for DH being a SAHD (breastfeeding)

[MamaOomMowWow]

I'm going back to work in a few months just after DS turns 1.

DS who is currently 9 months breastfeeds regularly (I don't count but maybe a dozen times a day when I'm at home) whenever he likes. DH has asked me to breastfeed him less frequently because he can't just have milk and the comfort of feeding whenever he wants when I go back to work. I don't really want to refuse to feed DS when he's clearly trying to get at my boobs.

Similarly, DS is cruising and if he has a nasty fall I'll give him a quick breastfeed as it calms him down. DH has asked that I stop doing this because he won't be able to do it when I am back at work. I think DH can find other ways to soothe him but I don't want to give up my best way of comforting him (especially as he's particularly prone to falling over at the moment).

AIBU to say no and just carry on as I am?

If it makes a difference I've said to DH that although we're mainly planning to give DS other non-breast milk during the day, I'm happy to do some expressing so there are some bottles of breastmilk in the fridge if DS particularly wants breast milk. I am even trying to get work to agree to let me come home at lunchtime and work from home in the afternoons, so DS could have a feed then if he likes.

I'd be interested to hear everyone's opinions as I am willing to change my mind.

Start thinking about it 6 weeks before you go back to work. Babies change so fast - point out how different your ds is now to how he was at 6 months old - he'll be as different again by 1.

6 months before you're due to go back start leaving DS with DH for 3 hours, then 4 hours, then 6, then 8 in one weekend day. As you do that over the 6 weeks, also get out and about more yourself with DS so that he's distracted and not thinking about Bf.

Spend your last 3 weeks before going back mainly out and about to avoid breastfeeding during the bulk of the day.

Your breasts will thank you too, otherwise work days without feeding will be agony or you'll need to pump for your own comfort, and mastitis could be a big risk if you go from 12 feeds a day to 9 hour stretch's without feeding.

I don't think you should change what you do now, but I do think YABU to be planning to come home so much during the day once you are at work. If dh is the sahp he should be able to lead the way on those days and not have to plan around you coming home during the day. What if they want to go out for the afternoon or whatever?

MamaOomMowWow reverse cycling can be very difficult for you if you're working. I went back to teaching full time when my dc1 was 6 months (back when maternity leave was 6 months) and she wouldn't take a bottle at nursery, and reverse cycled - it was unsustainable for me, being up breadtfeeding 6 times per night combined with secondary school teaching, and being up marking (essay heavy core subject) after she went to bed meaning I couldn't go to bed at 8pm to partially compensate.

I'd think very, very carefully before actively encouraging reverse cycling in a 1 year old who no longer needs huge quantities of breastmilk for nutrition.

Perhaps start leaving them alone one day a week. Dh could be anxious if you have been comforting DC with boob and hasn't had to learn another method

This is a non issue. Provided that your husband does comfort your son, he should be able to get comfort from his dad and if you're not there, he simply won't look for boob for comfort.

I would not arrange to come home at lunchtime etc. That is hassle for you, confusing and unsettling for your son. He doesn't need it for nutrition (and there will be milk available if he does) and he'll be with his dad. I've had 2 kids breastfed, one is 10mo so I haven't forgotten, and it's always been fine like this. The second one is much closer to his dad (DS1's dad made very little effort with him unfortunately) and he doesn't even tend to look for breastfeeding for comfort when he is hurt etc - he's all about the cuddles.

I would not bother with a schedule personally but that is up to you. I agree though that if your husband wants one sorted he absolutely must be instrumental in setting it up with you Why on earth would that be your job? If anything in preparing to be SAHD he ought to be taking over more than half of the day to day stuff so that he is confident in dealing with it alone.

I don't think it's as easy as it sounds for breastfeeding mum to suddenly try to introduce a new comfort measure when baby knows that boobs are just there and doesn't understand why they can't have them. However I also don't believe that everyone's method of settling has to be exactly the same for consistency - I see parents fretting about this a lot, either that their husband skips stages of the settling process that they do, or does it differently, or worrying overly about how to remove breastfeeding from the process so it won't be different for somebody else, or despairing because the other caregiver has done everything the same but it didn't work - well no, it probably won't because comfort is very personal IME. Babies and toddlers aren't stupid, they understand that this person has milk and that person does not. It's convenient if you are breastfeeding to use feeding as a source of comfort, but it doesn't make it harder for other people to comfort the child just because you have an easy way, only comparatively - it's not harder than it ever would have been to begin with. Equally it doesn't mean that they can magically skip the stage of putting effort in to work out what works and what doesn't, building safety and security with the child so that they feel able to be comforted and settled.

Although be prepared, you probably won't be able to express much if you're only starting now or later. I don't think this is an issue, as IME it's more about you than the milk as such, but just to make you aware.

It doesn't sound like your DH is appreciating how much work being a SAHP can be, in fact it doesn't sound like he's been doing much parenting so far.

You're going to have to start leaving DS with him one day a week to see if he copes. In my experience these arrangements rarely last long term, especially when the SAHP isn't the main care giver.

I wouldn’t start changing anything now - as PP have said, your baby will just expect it when you are home. DH can find his own ways to soothe. My DD got a new tooth the week before I went back to work and I regret insisting on feeding her to schedule so that she wouldn’t miss me when I wasn’t there. She just reverse cycled anyway!

Yanbu op. I'll also be going back when my DD is 1. I won't be reducing breastfeeds or changing when I bf in prep. My husband will find his own ways to comfort her just as he did with our first daughter. I also didn't bother expressing, she was offered cowsmilk in a cup or water. I would suggest gradually increasing the time he has her from a couple of hours so a while day isn't a shock when you go back. That feed when you get home is lovely for both of you.

Don't worry - babies behave differently with different people, so for example whilst my 2-year-old would come to me for a quick feed if he's poorly or tired, he would want DH to sing to him which he never wants me to do.

I went back to work when DS was 9 months old and at that time had been bf a similar amount to you. It was absolutely fine, DH gave bottles to a schedule and DS really didn't seem bothered.

They develop so vastly in the first year, a month really does make a huge difference. The difference between a 9mo and 12mo can be immeasurable, a fair few babies drop BFing naturally at 12mo. My DD just decided she didn’t want it anymore at 14mo, it happens.

I would personally start to introduce expressed milk given by your DH preferably with you out of the room. That way he starts to adapt to boobs not always being on tap but it’s still BM rather than formula.

I think if dh is the SAHP you need to let him get on with it. The idea of ‘working from home’ every afternoon so you can bf maybe multiple times is ridiculous. Your dh should feel free to be out and about; what if he wants a day out somewhere? Also can’t see many employers buying into this because if you’re not even returning until the child is 1, potentially you could expect this arrangement for years... until the kid starts school. Absolutely nowt wrong with extended bf but crazy to expect to work from home with your dh nearby every afternoon. So restricting.

Your child will be fine btw and will drink from a cup, bm or otherwise at this age. Or bottles, though mine wouldn’t go near a bottle and much preferred a cup by one.

Your ds will know the difference. At 1 he won’t cry for milk when he’s alone with his dad at that age. My very very clingy babies would happily go all day without bf but the minute I returned they’d be bf for ages!

So YANBU, carry on as you are. Maybe practice leaving him alone with his dad so your dh can see it isn’t a problem!

My dh unexpectedly became a sahd with short notice when one of our bf dc was 12 months old.

We had little time to prepare but dc adapted quickly to the change. We didn't bother with milk or bottles at all. Dc napped in car or pram for dh and just had food and water.

Tbh the bf was the least of dh problems when it came to adjusting from a full time professional role to sahd. He found it hard to make a routine and also found it lonely and difficult to make relationships with other parents.

Yes I agree there is no need to change things now if you don’t want to because babies are smart enough to know that if mum isn’t around, they won’t be able to feed from the breast. By one, your child will not be looking for it if you’re not there.
It’s the arrangements once you’re back which are crazy. Surely one of the big perks of being a SAHP is the freedom to organise your time. Your child could be having lovely days out with dad, but if you’re planning to ask to be home by lunchtime to spend all afternoon on alert for bf the child, it’s bound to make your dh feel really restricted in what he can do.
This is a great opportunity for your child to have wonderful 1:1 time with dad... no need to try to control it

I am even trying to get work to agree to let me come home at lunchtime and work from home in the afternoons, so DS could have a feed then if he likes

Why? You have another parent at home full time. Surely you being there will disrupt Their routine?

Christ everyone is so obsessed with routine feeding. Just do whatever you feel works for you and your baby.

Dh needs reassurance that he will do just fine. Babies adapt and he won’t expect boobs from dad because he’s never had boobs from dad. Dh needs to be left with baby alone for a couple of days to build his confidence

We did something similar - DH took off a couple of months when I went back to work at 12 months. DS had similarly been bf on demand. He was absolutely fine - he will quickly establish a way of getting comfort from your DH. There is no option of bf-ing if you aren't there so he won't want it! In fact you'll probably find he cuts down on bfs even when you are around too (I certainly found this). There are no rods for backs, there is no need to enforce a strict routine unless you particularly want to, there is no need to refuse bf-ing when you are there. Babies are amazingly adaptable and I'm sure your DH will get on fine!

Your baby will respond to other ways of comforting when you're not there. With both my DDs I went back to work when they were 6 months old - maternity leave was shorter then. I expressed at work, but they were rubbish at taking bottles. They did however eat happily and drink water, so they were fine. When I was there, they wanted boob - and that was fine. My body adapted, I had no issues with oversupply or anything like that. We kept that routine up until they were well past 1 and it was absolutely fine.

Try having a look for the Facebook group Breastfeeding Younger Babies and Beyond. Hopefully you'll get better advice than "do a feeding routine" and "baby shouldn't need breastfeeding on demand at this age".

Definitely sounds like DP has to stand on his own two feet a bit more and stop leaving everything up to you!

YABU. Your husband is being very sensible and as he's going to be the primary caregiver, I think you need to give his way of doing things more weight than yours when you disagree.

I didn't reduce feeds before returning to work, my son was completely fine, I'm not there to feed from so he was comforted by cuddles.

Same as some of the PPs. I went back to work when DD was 10 months old and DH took over. She won't have milk from anything except me. She manages absolutely fine with food and water when I'm not around and feeds a bit more on the days when I am.

We did a couple of trial runs where I went out for the day but could get home easily enough if necessary. That was enough to put DH's mind at rest. He and DD definitely had more fun on those than I did!

Absolute nonsense re needing a feeding routine if you don’t want one. My son is 14mo and feeds frequently on the days I have him, and morning and evening on the days I’m working. He doesn’t want it if I’m not there. I went back to work when he was 11.5mo. My husband is a teacher and has him full time during the school holidays - they have their own way of doing things that doesn’t require me.

We also did some trial runs too, where I was progressively out of the house for longer periods