Preparing for DH being a SAHD (breastfeeding)

[MamaOomMowWow]

I'm going back to work in a few months just after DS turns 1.

DS who is currently 9 months breastfeeds regularly (I don't count but maybe a dozen times a day when I'm at home) whenever he likes. DH has asked me to breastfeed him less frequently because he can't just have milk and the comfort of feeding whenever he wants when I go back to work. I don't really want to refuse to feed DS when he's clearly trying to get at my boobs.

Similarly, DS is cruising and if he has a nasty fall I'll give him a quick breastfeed as it calms him down. DH has asked that I stop doing this because he won't be able to do it when I am back at work. I think DH can find other ways to soothe him but I don't want to give up my best way of comforting him (especially as he's particularly prone to falling over at the moment).

AIBU to say no and just carry on as I am?

If it makes a difference I've said to DH that although we're mainly planning to give DS other non-breast milk during the day, I'm happy to do some expressing so there are some bottles of breastmilk in the fridge if DS particularly wants breast milk. I am even trying to get work to agree to let me come home at lunchtime and work from home in the afternoons, so DS could have a feed then if he likes.

I'd be interested to hear everyone's opinions as I am willing to change my mind.

Just to clarify re working from home, work allow working nearly 50% of time from home (people normally do whole days but I think they would agree to this). My thoughts were that if DS is around I can give him a cuddle and a quick feed at lunchtime and he won't miss me as much. I don't want to stop DH taking him out for the day once DS is up for that, nor am I thinking DS can come in every 10 minutes for a feed whilst I work in the afternoon. It also makes sense because you have to take a whole hour for lunch where I am and I would either waste it pumping (I do sometimes express but I hate it and don't want to bring all the equipment to work), walking around near work or reading MN or BBC news. If I can split my day then I can spend most of my lunch break walking home (it's a relaxing fairly scenic route) and not waste time doing this after work.

I say this as a breastfeeding mum - I don't think you can have it both ways. He'll be fine and not looking for boob when you're not there but he won't get the 'working from home' thing. I think he'll just see it as you being in another room and want you and that'll make it harder on everyone, especially DS. Not a good idea.

Yanbu. If you're there then feed him, if not then he won't be expecting a feed. DH is easily able to soothe dc2 (1 year old, breastfed whenever he needs it) when I'm not there. When I'm there he wants me which is fine.

Your DH is being unreasonable he wants you to deprive your DS of BF & your comfort now so that life’s easier for him when you go back to work, that’s selfish.
He’s not working now but expects YOU to establish the routine with DS & won’t do his share?

It’s going to be harder for you to refuse DS b/f & comfort than fir DH to comfort him if you’re not there

I can see why you’re thinking about working afternoons from home, but that really is going to be harder on all 3 of you. Babies:toddlers really don’t ‘get’ you being home but unavailable to them, it’s very hard on them & subsequently difficult on you and DH could you look st something like 3 long days instead?

There’s really no need to express/pump DS will be a year by then he can bf when you’re home & eat food drink cows/siya/whatever milk & water when you’re not - don’t make it harder on yourself

If it was me I’d get him used to drinking water from a cup and having cuddles with a favourite soft toy (while breastfeeding to help up the comfort level)

I’d also consider whether DH was really cut out to be a SAHD or if DS wouldn’t be better off with a nanny/cm/ nursery & DH out earning

3 months is a very long time and you will find your baby is totally different when you go back to work. I went back when my baby was 13 months and before then she breastfed on demand. Once she was at nursery she just had to eat more solids and drink milk from a sippy cup.

It would be ridiculous to try to wean your 9 month old off breastfeeding because he won’t have constant access to it in THREE MONTHS TIME.

Also, when you’re not there your baby will behave differently. He’s not going to expect to be able to breastfeed for comfort if you’re not there. If your husband is going to be a SAHD then he is going to need to find his own ways of doing things. He will work it out quickly enough once the time comes.

Don’t take your baby’s nutrition and comfort away from him now because of something that is happening in 3 months time.

You will probably see a bit change in his breast feeding over the next few months anyway so I wouldn’t worry about it. Also in my experience babies respond very differently to dad than mum so he probably won’t be crying for milk when with dad because he knows he can’t get it

Has your DH actually looked after the baby without you for any length of time? If not then seriously get started on that now.

My son started nursery at 1 and never had any issues. He knows he can breastfeed when he's with me and he can't when I'm not. He drinks cows milk from a cup when he's not with me.

You definitely need to start weaning him off now.

I remember going out for a few hours when my Ds was a baby with the logic that he'd be fine having a bottle for his dad. I came to a very, purple faced D's who catapulted himself onto my boob. He was furious !

He was about 13 months at the time so not a small baby either.

My experience was completely different to some of the posters here: my baby was frantic without me/ my boobs and had to stop BF cold turkey because she couldn’t be in the care of anyone else. This cake to a head when she started nursery at 9 months although she couldn’t be with DH or anyone else other. Looking back it was cruel to keep her so dependant on the Brest when I knew all along it would suddenly be taken away

EVERYONE told me she’d Be fine when me and my breasts weren’t available. She wasn’t at all

I think you’ll cramp their style if you work from home too much. He’s tryi g to get his head around being a sahd and the change of role, I think its fair enough to be collaborative about it (as you don’t want to be in charge of everything).

YANBU.

We did a few test runs with me being out longer and longer before I went back to work. But when I am home DS feeds on demand. DH has no problem with him in the day though. They do different things. For example DH and DS cuddle a lot. I don't get a cuddle unless it's after nursing. Also, as he gets older your DS will drop feeds. I saw a huge difference from nine months to ten months for example.

Mine went to nursery from 10m and flatly refused all milk that was not directly from source. With hindsight DS1 had CMPA, so my attempts to push him on to formula as I couldn't express anything worthwhile were basically trying to unknowingly force feed him poison . Second time, I knew we'd survived the first time with DS1 happily abstaining in my absence, so when I got a new job with 2 weeks notice, he just got put into nursery and that was that. He did catch up in the ends of the day and kept up night feeds until I went cold turkey out of exhaustion at 18m.

Thinking he'd dwindle down his feeds much more, I ended up going on a trip for 4 days, and he was fine. I struggled with engorgement on day 2. The moment he saw me after, he practically threw himself at me for an epic feed, which was the best ever as he was so much more thorough than the breast pump

From a few months old, they knew that daddy didn't have the milk and were much more patient between feeds in my absence.

Think it's fine for now but nearer the time I would agree with your dh

OP I was worried about exactly the same thing when I went back to work two weeks ago, my DS is 8 months and feeds for comfort too. The first few days I was away he had a couple of small meltdowns but my mum looks after him during the day, she took him for walks, gave him snacks (he loves toast fingers), put cartoons on etc and just found ways to distract him and now he's totally fine. He has food and water during the day and then BFs when I get home in the evening and at night, I second the suggestion to look up reverse cycling - it does take some getting used to as baby may wake up more at night but allows you to carry on BF without having to express much (or at all) during the day anyway, baby will adapt and you'll be just fine - good luck!