Checking the front door

[rose789]

Me and dp have lived in this house for 7 years. All this time the last one home locks the front door when they get in. Never been an issue.
Last week as I was leaving the house I realised that he hadn’t locked the door the night before when he had came in. I told him at the time, not in an arsey way just a shit the doors been open all night. Thinking I was realistically just as much to blame as I hadn’t checked either.
Anyway since then every night I’ve checked the door is locked before going up to bed, regardless of who was last in even if I know for a fact I’ve locked the door.

Tonight I went to check on my way upstairs and dp got pissed off. He was saying it’s rubbing his mistake in his face and that I don’t trust him and that I’m making out he put his family in danger.
I told him that’s not the case I got a fright at how complacent we had both been and that it makes sense to check the house is secure when the girls are here.
He then said “fucks sake this is going to be another fucking OCD thing isn’t it” I do have OCD but not about things like checking doors.
We’re both tired and grumpy after a few nights of little sleep with a teething baby, work etc but I don’t think it’s fair that because I’m checking my home is secure I’m having a mental condition used against me. He’s gone to bed and I’m seething on the sofa.

Do you check the doors before going to bed or AIBU checking?

I always check the windows and doors before going to bed. I thought most people did

I also ask dh every night whilst going to bed if he's locked the back door as he is generally the last one to use it. He doesn't complain about it

I voted YABU (just a little) but I need to explain why (and I apologise in advance for it being a wall of waffle).

DH has OCD and it is all about checking doors and household security (which I totally accept makes me biased - but I can see why your DH would be concerned). It's a creeping thing, and it only takes a small incident like this to trigger a new routine. First it's checking the doors, then it's the windows, then it's going outside and checking the back gate/shed/car. And then it's going back and doing it again and again until you're sure. It's like a trickle that becomes a stream and then a river and then a flood.

He would say that he has mild OCD (and I agree ATM) but he has had periods of time over the last decade where it's been worse. Right now, it's pretty stable.

A few weeks ago, I heard a noise outside (long after I'd come to bed) and DH was in the car checking the handbrake, the next day I HAD to ask what he'd been doing because I thought he might be getting worse, turned out he'd moved the car slightly to get the bins past. A total non event that I'd built up in my mind as something else. He was annoyed I'd asked and I felt bad about it.

BUT often if I do challenge a new thing early on, he stops it and it doesn't develop, so although your DH didn't address it in the best way it wasn't necessarily wrong for him to bring it up.

Quoting from your OP:

Anyway since then every night I’ve checked the door is locked before going up to bed, regardless of who was last in even if I know for a fact I’ve locked the door.

The bolded bit is the concern (although we all have moments where we double check things and it's not OCD) and is probably what is making your DH ask.

He didn't go about it the right way (absolutely not!) but it might be a good idea just to clarify between you when you expect the door to be locked and to get reassurance that he won't forget again.

@rose789

Very good idea to check yes. So YANBU.

I can understand that your DP may think you are undermining him though.

nope - we have a front door you is double locked at night & we both check before going up to bed, sometimes I lock it & sometimes he locks he when we come in but sometimes not so we always check

In theory our front door is locked by each person that comes in through it, dh, kids, me, etc. It is always locked with a key in the lock on the inside.

In practice, as we go up to bed, one of us will check it is locked and remove key. Even if dh has removed key, I sometimes check.

not unreasonable at all to check door on way upstairs! There have been MANY times when it wasn't locked!

I check back door, front door, close windows before bed, check electricals are off and click car lock just to be certain x

I check front door, back door, downstairs windows are all locked and the oven is switched off before I go to bed regardless. DH was being a dickhead

In fact, DH checks all the doors are locked when he goes up to bed half an hour before me, then I check again when I go up- knowing full well DH has already checked them. He doesn't get pissy about it, it's a self-reassurance thing rather than a dig at him.

My partner and I always check doors, and I will always ask if the doors are locked before I turn off lights and close the internal door. It's a case of back door, garage door, kitchen light off, door shut. Lounge doors, lights, TV, door shut and bolt across. Front door, keys in safe place, alarm on lights off.
When I lived alone, my front door hardly ever got opened, an occasional parcel and to cut the grass (was very shady so didn't grow fast), the chain was on but every night I still checked. I also checked the gate was bolted and garage side door locked, then locked back door. The garage side door opened to back garden so I felt happier if I knew it was locked. Windows, doors, sockets, lights, internal doors all shut /locked/off. It's not a criticism of him forgetting just sensible as we all get complacent. I lock our front door during the day when I'm home alone, although once kids get back it doesn't get locked as they are in and out. I feel better knowing the doors are secure.

@Biancadelrioisback OMG! I would’ve gone batshit if that was my DH. I can’t stand doziness when it comes to the impact it can have on other people. “I forgot” just simply wouldn’t cut it for me

I always double check the front and back doors before going to bed.

YANBU

@Pleaser256 I did! Absolutely furious with him. In hindsight it was funny finding a random cat in my kitchen though. I always say hello to him (the cat) now when I see him. He's often basking in my front garden, I'm assuming hoping for another open door or window

I think your reaction is extreme. The two of you have lived in this house for SEVEN YEARS. In all that time, only once has the front door been left unlocked overnight. It was a one off mistake. Your previous routine was perfectly adequate. The likelihood of the door being unlocked overnight again is tiny, especially now that you're both aware that a mistake has been made and that you need to be careful to lock the door when you come home. The likelihood of the door being left unlocked overnight again AND a criminal attempting to get in on that particular night is infinitesimal.

Given that you and your partner have an excellent track record for locking the door when you come in, you don't need to check every night. You say that you have even been checking on the nights when you know that you were the last one in and you remember having locked the door.

I think your DP is right to be concerned about your behaviour. He wasn't very nice in the way he expressed it. You say you are both tired and grumpy so I expect that is why he was rude.