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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I arranged a night out with friends but dh had already rsvp'd to a wedding (evening) invitation

96 replies

Cockadoodledooo · 10/07/2019 17:50

As above really. Dh mentioned months ago we'd been invited to the evening do for one of his colleagues 'in July', and he wanted to check I wasn't working. I checked my rota and I wasn't, so agreed, potentially (I've had health issues so was no way able to guarantee attendance) to go. I instantly forgot the date and he didn't write it on our wall planner, but it was in his diary. He would be the only person I know there, I've never met the bride or groom.

Anyway, last week I had some really good news re my health (have been poorly since January but hugely improved in last few weeks). I shared this with my friends who have been uber supportive of me during this time and one suggested a night out (just dinner, I'm too old for clubbing and not well enough for alcohol). Friend suggested 3 possible dates this week, out of the 3 I knew i could do 2, but checked with dh there was nothing I'd forgotten (memory issues have been a thing) and he said no, and that he was pleased I was going out. We picked this Saturday, there are around 6 of us going.

Tonight dh has said he's looking forward to going to the evening do with me. On Saturday.

He remembers our conversation re checking dates, and that he said we had nothing on, but is upset that I'm not willing to cancel from a dinner which has basically been arranged for me.

AIBU to send him on his own to the evening do?

OP posts:
youngestisapsycho · 10/07/2019 22:02

Go with your friends.... I would go with my DH to someone’s wedding I didn’t know, and wouldn’t know anyone else there! He can go on his own.

youngestisapsycho · 10/07/2019 22:03

I Wouldn’t!

themmatricc · 10/07/2019 22:03

disgusting how many people think you can renege on commitments so rude
Go with your friends.... I would go with my DH to someone’s wedding I didn’t know, and wouldn’t know anyone else there! He can go on his own. well she said she would go so i dont see youre point

amiapropermum · 10/07/2019 22:08

You go to the wedding

youngestisapsycho · 10/07/2019 22:21

I don’t think the ‘evening do’ is as important as the actual wedding and reception... so I don’t see a problem of not going now. OP was probably only invited as her DHs plus one.... she said she doesn’t know nor has neve4 met the colleague who is getting married.

ThatssomebadhatHarry · 10/07/2019 22:52

Maybe you dh was looking forward to dressing up nice and going out with his wife, considering it your health issues he would also want to celebrate.

LadyTiredWinterBottom2 · 10/07/2019 23:00

I agree the wedding was a prior commitment and you both forgot. He's looking forward to it. You can rearrange with your friends.

Leeds2 · 10/07/2019 23:02

I think you should go to the wedding, and rearrange with friends.

Rachelover40 · 10/07/2019 23:20

Tell your friends you unintentionally double booked, go to the wedding and see friends another time.

flowery · 10/07/2019 23:25

YABU. Just move the dinner with friends, easy. If there were three possible dates in one week alone it sounds like rearranging it to happen pretty soon shouldn’t be too much of a traumatic undertaking!

Bettyspants · 10/07/2019 23:26

Great news about your health! Re the evening do.....I'm incredibly shit at writting things on our joint calender, DH often reminds me to check my diary. I think its a joint responsibility although of course I'll back track next time I forget!! Even though it's an 'evening do ' and you don't know anyone I'd go. I think its a bit off for you both to be invited (or a plus one) then drop out. Your friends sound amicable and flexible, I'd be honest with them and rearrange.

cuppycakey · 10/07/2019 23:28

YANBU

Weddings are soooooo boring and you don't even know them.

I would much rather go out with my friends. DH can go to the wedding. Problem solved. If you don't even know the B&G and it's evening do only, they are hardly going to be upset are they? And Dh is an adult who can cope with an evening socialising with his work colleagues so what's the problem?

ElizaPancakes · 10/07/2019 23:29

I think go with your friends and DH goes to wedding.You don't know the bride and groom, they're not going to miss you there. DH can let his hair down and so can you.

Rachelover40 · 11/07/2019 00:51

PS: Good news about your health, that is certainly something to celebrate if not on that day.

Original poster
Cockadoodledooo · 11/07/2019 16:25

Wowsers. Many replies, thank you. Bit of a split but more in favour of the wedding (even though it's not the actual wedding!).
Very surprised not to have seen the standard "invitation not a summons" or something about us being second class/tier as only invited to the evening do trotted out Grin
When dh originally accepted he did so telling his colleague that I may not be able to attend and she was fine with that, he's actually not even certain if he accepted for both of us or just himself.. We chatted about it and he was more pissed off with himself for forgetting when I asked about dates.
I have no idea how the planets aligned to make it that friends had 3 dates this week - we pretty much all work in healthcare and shift patterns are all over the place, so rearranging might not be so simple as it appears. Table is booked early and locally, so if I went for that option I could well be home tucked up in bed by 9pm,whereas the evening do is an hour away from home and doesn't start until after 7. Plus actually although I'm doing better I'm still very definitely not at my best and feeling the pressure a bit about socialising with people I don't know.
Dh has very sweetly said it's my call, and actually we can go out just the 2 of us next week which will be lovely.
Babysitter not necessary btw as dc are older.
Mind you, I'm having a shit day today and feel dreadful again, so if I don't improve I'll be letting everyone down and staying in bed Sad

OP posts:
BowiesJumper · 11/07/2019 16:31

I think it would be fine to go to dinner and not the evening do. Not being rude, but I doubt by that stage whether the bride and groom will notice if you're there or not!

I hope you feel better soon and are able to go for dinner.

AnotherEmma · 11/07/2019 17:18

Sorry you're having a shit day, hope you can rest and feel better Flowers

Based on your update I'm even more sure that you should go out with your friends! Glad DH is being supportive.

RedSkyLastNight · 11/07/2019 17:32

Very surprised not to have seen the standard "invitation not a summons"

That only applies when replying to the invitation, not if you've changed your mind when you've already said you'll go.

flowery · 11/07/2019 17:35

”Very surprised not to have seen the standard "invitation not a summons"”

That’s exactly correct. It is an invitation not a summons. And that is the advice MN will give when you receive an invitation and are deciding whether to accept or decline.

That isn’t how one should view a decision about whether to at the last minute ditch an event you’ve already accepted an invitation to.

Original poster
Cockadoodledooo · 11/07/2019 17:42

Cheers. And yes, I get that. Dh knew I was never definitely able to attend, and as I say he let the bride know too. But actually I do feel shit about pulling out to go somewhere else rather than because I'm sick, and I still haven't actually made a decision.

And (this isn't a drip feed, as I've literally just had the conversation), my doctor just called to say he should never have given me the all clear without me having seen the respiratory consultant, and that it's still a possibility (though a small one) that I've got lung cancer.

OP posts:
SolsticeBabyMaybe · 11/07/2019 17:44

I'd rearrange your friends, you both agreed to go to the evening do in advance and sounds like your plan had several available dates and can be rescheduled whereas a wedding can't

AnotherEmma · 11/07/2019 17:45

Oh dear that's worrying. When will you see or hear from the lung consultant?

FWIW I think it was pretty clear from the beginning that your wedding RSVP was a "maybe" depending on your health - admittedly you now have other plans but you didn't say a definite yes so I don't think it's the end of the world if you don't go.

Sounds like an early dinner with friends would be more manageable for you atm than an evening do at the wedding.

AnAC12UCOinanOCG · 11/07/2019 17:59

Normally I'd say it's rude to cancel a commitment for a better offer but an evening invite is ruder, so go to the meal!

Time40 · 11/07/2019 18:06

I can't believe all the people saying go to the evening wedding do! The OP doesn't even know the bride and groom, so they won't care if she goes or not.

Just move the dinner with friends, easy

No, it isn't. There are five other people going, at least. That's five friends' plans to mess up, and five other people with their Saturday night spoiled. It would be madness to cancel it, and if I were one of the five friends, I'd be really pissed off to be cancelled. It would be rude to cancel your friends. It would mess them about and it's not necessary.

Go out with your friends, OP! It's a no-brainer.

NauseousMum · 11/07/2019 18:10

Your first update makes it clear your dh never truly accepted for you, your second update i would do the meal. Spend time with your friends who love you. I hope the small chance fades into no chance.