I’m an awful parent.

[Anonnmum]

My child is 18months old and since he’s been born I’ve not really adjusted to mum life.
Infact I don’t like being a mum.
If I could go back in time and change it I definitely would, But I can’t.
I don’t know what to do I find myself constantly shouting at my child and finding everything really difficult.
My child doesn’t listen unless I scream at the top of my voice.
I feel like I’m going crazy.
I keep making him cry he always wants his dad more than he wants me.
He hates me.
I don’t know what to do.
I love him but I just can’t stand being a mum I feel trapped.
Some days I just want to run away forever but I know I’d miss him massively
Some days it gets so bad I wish I could just end my life
I can’t handle it anymore and I feel like I’m not doing a good job with him.
He’s not developing how he should he doesn’t talk yet all he can do is walk.
He’s not eating properly.

Side note: when I was pregnant a lot of negative things happened and my parents pretended they were supportive but I know they thought it was an awful idea and I’d be an awful parent.
Then when I gave birth my oh parents also said all the same as my parents and all his siblings said it too. It affected me massively and I think some of the issue I’m having are because of all the negativity I endured because Wirhout him being here I wouldn’t of got all of the grief.

There’s a lot of people who call me an amazing mother and some days I feel like I am a good mum but other days I feel awful.

I don’t know how to deal with it anymore and I feel like I’m getting swallowed into a dark hole I’ll never be able to get out of. Please help me.

Oh love.. Sound like you're suffering from Post Natal Depression. Have you spoken to your gp? If not then please make an appointment for as soon as possible.

Firstly you need to get some couselling and support. Secondly not everyone is cut out to be a sahm - I'm certainly not. I went back ft 6 months after my first - made me so much better mum

You’re not an awful parent bu any stretch. Awful parents don’t care, and you clearly care deeply.

First don’t fall into the trap of thinking it should be a particular way or you should enjoy it. Lots of us don’t tbh. Especially at this age. Also your little one doesn’t sound behind, lot don’t talk at that age.

But more importantly you sound like you need some help with you’re mental health. Again much more common than you’d think and the world may look and feel very different if you see your GP or talk to your HV and get the right support.

First off, you are not a bad mum! the fact that you recognise you are not at your best right is testament to that.

Have you spoken to your health visitor, GP, a good friend or anyone about how you are feeling.

PLEASE speak to someone today, health visitors are really good at giving practical advice. They will not judge you, and i'm pretty sure you're not the first, and certainly won't be the last mum who has felt this way. .

Your GP will be able to put you in touch with the appropriate people.

Please don't suffer alone, there is plenty of help out there, you just need to be brave and ask for it.

Good luck OP x

Agree with all the others. Pnd isn't just diagnosed at year one. Mine were 2 and a half. Please ask for help, best thing I ever did.

Oh you poor thing...... firstly - jsu as some reassurance, you arent eh first, or the last that finds the transition to parenthood hard. It is hard - inspite of the endless advert, posts on instagram and all that #myworld #mylittlereason bullshit. for what its worth, I felt really trapped and scared, and I couldnt believe how little sleep I was expected to function on. On refelction I think I had a form of PND.....

However, whilst it isnt your fault you feel this way, it is really important you dont ignore it. You need to try to address this honestly for your own MH and more importantly for the wellbeing of your child.

Its really easy for all of us to get into a cycle of negative behaviour, be it with work, partner, parents, children. But you do need to break it - he is a baby .... So call the GP and HV today. And make a deal - no more shouting. It doesnt really work, and makes everyone feel shit. Good luck OP but you do need to reach out and ask for help.

Op

You aren't an awful parent. You sound like me when I had pnd. I was depressed, wished I was dead, was utterly paranoid and thought my baby and everyone hated me. I thought everyone was judging me and I felt terrified all the time. I would cry from morning til night and wish I wasn't here.

Please, please, go and speak to your GP or HV or refer yourself for some therapy at your local IAPT (if you google it, you can find one in your area).

It won't always be like this, I promise.

You are not a bad mother if you love and care about your son.
You just need a bit of extra support.
Definitely speak to your gp

Find some parenting classes in your area to help you find ways to be the best parent you can be and prove all those negative people wrong.

It doesn’t come naturally to all of us. I remember making a mental note to spend 10 minutes just cuddling my child because I realised I hardly ever did it.
If you can do the following then you’re doing well -
Feed him
Bath him
Cuddle him
Touch him often
Take him out
Read to him

And try not to shout. It is hard as sometimes you’re at the end of your tether but really, it just makes everything worse.
If you feel you’re getting worked up, just take a couple of deep breaths, count to 10, and try to be more relaxed about what the issue is. Is it really a big deal?

Sorry if I seem blunt, I’m rushing with a two year old and three month old both crying...so...
Please speak honestly to health visitor. And GP.
Lots of children do not talk at that age, some of mine haven’t.
Quite a lot of children are only just walking at that age.
Pretty much all 18 month olds don’t listen, they are a difficult period of not-baby-but-still-babyish screaming and shouting will achieve nothing positive for either of you - choose to stop, right now. You can make that decision. Move ornaments, use fridge licks, distract, sing, fake enthusiasm to distract, use reins whatever will help get through situations practically so there is no shouting.
Family’s can be damaging. Mine completely disowned me when I was a pregnant single parent teenager...I quickly learnt not to let other people’s negativity in to my life. Be proud of yourself, life is sadly far too short to nor be. The fact that you care means you are a good Mum - none of us are perfect, all of us cry at times and tear our hair out, but caring is what matters. You are trying. But getting bogged down by people is NOT helping. Nobody can see inside your head, they don’t know you. You do. You KNOW you can do this. Cuddle with your toddler as much as they let you it’s good for you both. Get out every day. Blow bubbles. Tickle. You’ll get there.

Fridge locks.

I've heard that it's best to have 6 kind words for every cross one. So can you make an effort to find things to praise him for? And give more cuddles when you're not feeling overwhelmed and cross? It might feel really artificial, but I find it helps me when I can't stop yelling at my challenging 3 year old. It's easy to get into a negative cycle. However much you don't feel like getting on the floor and doing a puzzle and telling him he's amazing it can help to turn the tide and make him more receptive to you? It's so hard, you have all my sympathies.

I’m going to call the gp after this. I already tried when I first had him to go to the gp and the doctor was horrible made me feel 100 times worse and didn’t help at all. I’m dreading going back to the doctors.

Also I do cuddle him a lot. Every day. We have good times too just majority bad. I love him so so much. Please guys don’t think I don’t. Thankyou also for the advice. I’ve taken every single comment in ❤️

Oh I really feel for you. I've felt that that before. I was very depressed and wish I'd done more about it. Still teeter on the edge and my youngest is 3.

Can you see if there is a mums pnd support group near you? There's a group called PANDAS for example, they offer counselling etc... Maybe try health visitor instead if gp isn't helping?

Maybe ask to see a different doctor at the practice?

I had a doctor, who thought my chronic fatigue and chronic pain was nothing. He told me all sorts of untrue crap and categorically told me there was no help out there for me. So if I reached out for help social services would just take my dd away.

Just because a doctor has been through years of training it doesn’t make them defacto always right, have a good bedside manner or even be nice person.

Can you request a different GP? It's really important to get some support. Could you call Health Visitor instead? Be really, really honest with them; they will help you.

Oh my dear. We tend to parent in the way that we were parented. So if the message yo got is that you were a nuisance and a lot of work, then unconsciously that will be your attitude. It may be that you are feeling very judged, but that there may be someone in the family who would be happy to help if you said you were struggling. Some people seem to know how to parent but most of us are terrified and faking it, at least at first. So think back and see who had kind words for you, or told a story about their cluelessness, and ask them round and ask their advice on the Groundhog Day issues. There are good books on toddler taming too..Trynot to shout. It makes everything worse, and if necessary just take him out all day. With fresh air and lots of running about, you will at least both sleep well.

Not all GPs understand PND and the stress of being a parent. So ask to see a different one - you deserve support and you probably do have PND.

Then I'd look into some parenting classes - not because you're a bad parent but because they can give you a space to talk about the trouble you're having, a way of picking up different ways of handling an 18 mo (and yes, that is a majorly tricky age, especially if they are not talking yet), and to get support and reassurance. Everyone can learn from parenting classes; I self-referred into one when my marriage broke up because I wanted to be the best parent I could be to my DDs, who were teens at the time.

Bless your heart OP. It sounds like classic post natal depression and it can be fixed. Learn to be nice to yourself - do you have any help or support or any mum friends? It was other mums that got me through at times like this. Can you do anything nice for yourself every day? Even little things like a candlelit bath or bit of reading whilst DS is napping? Can you afford to go to soft play or toddler group? I used to go out every day just so I didn't have to cope alone with the mind numbing stuff. Do you ever get out without your DS for some time to be yourself and not just mummy? Sorry for all the questions just trying to find you some coping mechanisms until you feel better. In the meantime have a hand hold and very unmumsnetty hug from one mum to another.

You poor thing. Your parents and in laws had absolutely no right to say you'd be a dreadful mother, it was high handed of them and extremely negative. I feel annoyed with them on your behalf. I never 'get' why so many parents feel they can say whatever comes into their heads to their children, it's so disrespectful (& children can't usually do the same back to their parents without all Hell breaking loose).

You need some help and a break from your child. If you can afford it, hire someone kind and reliable to look after him some of the time and/or return to work. Going to work part time was very good for me.

I agree with others that a visit to your GP might help, as long as the doctor doesn't just write out a prescription. Ask to see a different GP from the one you saw previously. I do think you'd feel better if you weren't looking after your little boy all the time though.

Hope things improve.

You are not alone! It doesn’t make you an awful parent. This isn’t easy.
My advice on top of what’s already been suggested is to try and find some time for you. Whether it’s sitting in Costa for an hour, having a long walk or doing something you enjoyed before children. It will help with your stress levels and address the balance of feeling shit all the time.

Is your DH supportive?

Everyone else who should be support for you all as a new family sound like utter dicks!

You sound like a really caring Mum. I hope you get some support from the GP and as others suggest, reach out to the HV too.

You need positive, encouraging support around you, it really doesn’t sound like you have that circle, have you got good friends?

I'm so glad you are going to the GP for help, and by writing on here you are already showing that you want things to get better. We're here for you OP.

Have you spoken to your DH about how you are feeling? How much time are you having to spend in sole charge of your LO? For your own sake and his, I think you need to be asking for some immediate help, not just the GP appointment but someone to share the load in the day? Is there anyone you can talk to? A friend?

You're not an awful parent at all, OP.

An awful parent would not have started a thread in order to get help for herself and admitted that things were difficult.

You're a first-time mother with a toddler and you're finding it difficult Actually your love for your child shines through, I promise you.

If you ever feel so desperate that you want to end things, ring the Samaritans or go to their website.

www.samaritans.org/scotland/how-we-can-help/contact-samaritan/

You really need to talk to your GP and as you've said she or he made you feel 100 times worse when you spoke before, can you speak to the practice nurse - or a different doctor?

Counselling to talk through your feelings regarding your parents and OH's parents will also help you. Ask your HV to signpost you and get her on board as well. That's what they're there for.

I really hope you et some help and start to feel better. Babies of 18 months do not listen - none of them - it isn't you being an awful mum. I bet you're a brilliant mum.

I felt exactly like you do - I went on to have another child and struggled with him too. Looking back I had PND with both but didn't realise or get support. I felt suicidal a lot of the time.

It is hell while you are living it, I was useless in the toddler years - both of mine had tantrums and I couldn't seem to get them to listen to me and I felt so depressed.

But mine are now ages 12 & 16 and have both turned into lovely well behaved kids, both great company and doing well at school.

Choose your battles (stop them if they're going to endanger themselves but let lots of other stuff go). Walk away if you can when you are boiling with rage. Lower your expectations - small children are weird little creatures who haven't yet learned societies rules, just hang out with him and manage the basics and he'll pick it all up eventually. It sounds rude but think of it like dog training, he's like a puppy he doesn't understand how to listen yet. Imagine you have a small alien in your house for a few years and you just have to put up with his annoying behaviour until he learns earthly ways.

And the other bit of advice - for some of us it's like a grieving process, the old life, the old 'me' is suddenly gone. Let yourself grieve and hate your new job as a mother, give yourself permission to feel that way! (It won't affect your love for your child).

It is soooooo tough at the coal face of parenting but I promise you it does get easier. I regretted having both mine for a long time but now I'm so glad I did.