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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

I’m an awful parent.

70 replies

Anonnmum · 10/07/2019 12:06

My child is 18months old and since he’s been born I’ve not really adjusted to mum life.
Infact I don’t like being a mum.
If I could go back in time and change it I definitely would, But I can’t.
I don’t know what to do I find myself constantly shouting at my child and finding everything really difficult.
My child doesn’t listen unless I scream at the top of my voice.
I feel like I’m going crazy.
I keep making him cry he always wants his dad more than he wants me.
He hates me.
I don’t know what to do.
I love him but I just can’t stand being a mum I feel trapped.
Some days I just want to run away forever but I know I’d miss him massively
Some days it gets so bad I wish I could just end my life
I can’t handle it anymore and I feel like I’m not doing a good job with him.
He’s not developing how he should he doesn’t talk yet all he can do is walk.
He’s not eating properly.

Side note: when I was pregnant a lot of negative things happened and my parents pretended they were supportive but I know they thought it was an awful idea and I’d be an awful parent.
Then when I gave birth my oh parents also said all the same as my parents and all his siblings said it too. It affected me massively and I think some of the issue I’m having are because of all the negativity I endured because Wirhout him being here I wouldn’t of got all of the grief.

There’s a lot of people who call me an amazing mother and some days I feel like I am a good mum but other days I feel awful.

I don’t know how to deal with it anymore and I feel like I’m getting swallowed into a dark hole I’ll never be able to get out of. Please help me.

OP posts:
fedupandlookingforchange · 10/07/2019 14:43

As others have said go and see a different doctor. Try your HV some are great, if yours isn’t try s different one at a weighing clinic. I’ve had varying hv advice from you’re a bad parent to you’re doing exactly the right thing!

It’s hard when they don’t listen and everyone else’s child is behaving perfectly and yours isn’t. On a very practical note make life easy. Around the house move anything they shouldn’t have out of reach and stick gates on rooms where you don’t want them. If after dinner they always want to play rather than going to bed, hide the toys whilst they’re eating. Think about avoiding the difficult situations. If the supermarket is difficult order online.

Try and exhaust them in the garden.

There are some great resources for managing behaviour online the one I use a lot is explaining we are going to play whatever (something he really wants to do and will tantrum when we leave) then we will have a drink and a snack, you can choose the snack ( from two options I give).
Going in the car seat was an issue for ages so I put a baby crisp in each of hands and that kept him busy whilst strapping in.

I use a travel cot as somewhere to put him when he starts tantruming because he wants something he’s not getting and won’t stop. A quiet firm if you don’t stop it will be in there. I now pull the cot out of the corner after ive told him he’s going in and he generally stops. All the strategies take awhile to work. Bribery works well if it’s fairly instant.

The most important is to set yourself up for success. Find what he likes doing and do it frequently. Ideally you need about half. Dozen things such as sand pit, water play outside ( could be in a washing up bowl with old yoghurt pots) to pour water, play dough ( recipes on line),
Baking, dancing to music, singing nursery rhymes (bbc schools radio website), silly dressing up with just a couple of old hats, out for a walk in the pushchair to go a see local building site, horses in field, buses, ducks trains whatever you’ve nearby. Rotate these things throughout the week. Also keep some toys out and some hidden away and swap every week the it’s like having new toys again.
Are there any local stay and plays or toddler groups? Some libraries have a toddler story time.
Definitely see your go or hv. You’re not a bad parent, it’s very hard.

cavalier · 10/07/2019 14:46

I agree you could be suffering with PND
There is so much help at the docs and there is nothing to be ashamed of
Just airing to my doc that I couldn’t cope helped me loads .... good luck it won’t feel like that forever ... keep us posted

Stifledlife · 10/07/2019 14:55

Oh I know how you feel.

I didn't get a warm glow of spending the day with my child. I was resentful of no time to even get a coherent thought in my head before someone else wanted a piece of me. There were lots of times when I thought "what the hell have I done".

I got through the early years with activities. Lots of activities. Every day had a focus and other people to talk to. It tired the DC out and it made me feel more productive.

You do need to speak to your GP because PND is the worst. It's invisible to others and the sufferer isn't even aware there is something wrong with them.

Have a big hug from every other mother who has been where you are now and got better xxxx

Nettleskeins · 10/07/2019 15:13

I felt very low when my kids were little. I now suspect I had vitamin d deficiency, as I was diagnosed with this at a later date when being investigated for hypo thyroidism (which I also ended up with) A lot of my tiredness and exhaustion, anxiety and feeling like I couldn't cope might have been solved by a simple blood test.

Please go to your GP and ask for a blood test. If you don't want, don't mention your feelings about parenting, just that you are feeling unusually tired. My experience of professionals is that they often want to blame your approach to parenting , BEFORE they even investigate other more obvious causes of sadness and depression. which are physical causes. Anaemia, Vit D deficiency, Thyroid factor.

But believing in yourself is very important to. You are so important to your little one, so you need to look after yourself by visiting the GP, and not blaming your actions so far. He certainly doesn't hate you, he is just behaving like toddlers do.

Nettleskeins · 10/07/2019 15:18

Don't let GP offer you anti depressants before you have had a blood test. Please. it is so easy for them to prescribe ads without bothering, and yes the ads may help but first identify if there are any physical causes for your sad feelings.
I forgot to mention B vitamins too. Very important especially B12 .

There is a lovely book called How to Talk So Kids Will Listen by Faber and Maszlish. Much recommended by Mumsnetters if you google

BoomyBooms · 10/07/2019 15:30

Not a whole lot to add as everyone else has responded so well, but as someone who has struggled with my mental health for a very long time... Now I am well, when I look back on the bad times and the beliefs I had about myself and about life, I 100% know that I was so wrong. The thoughts I had are so foreign and hard to believe now but at the time I would have sworn black and white it was all accurate.

What im trying to say is that if you take the step to get some help, there's a very good probability that in a few months from now you will feel completely and utterly different. You'll know that how you feel now is not the truth. Take care of yourself OP Flowers

Wallywobbles · 10/07/2019 15:31

Lots of us are shit at parenting.

Like pretty much every one in France I went back at 13 weeks. I hated breastfeeding did it for a v short time. After DD1 I had PND. 15 months later DD2 arrived and my marriage totally crashed.

Parenting was/is hard. I didn't like playing make believe or anything like that. We did lots of walking the dogs though which we all enjoyed. Swimming where my exercise was swimming in one spot while they jumped in again and again and again.

They ate with their hands for longer than they should have. But they ate.

They had a good amount of freedom. Lots of messy play. We had a good sized garden with a swing set climbing frame thing. Muddy was our normal. I just survived. I treated them as more or less equals. We discussed everything. Never talked down to them.

I had no idea how to discipline them. Smacking was horrible though so I got a bunch of books and worked out what felt ok for me and actually worked.

They finished every day washed and fed.

We had rather too many trips to A&E.

Divorce was a blessing as then I got every other weekend off.

They're now 13&14. Very independent and capable. And I like them most of the time.

They didn't sleep for about a decade though. I'm not sure I'll ever catch up.

foreverhanging · 10/07/2019 16:04

I had a shit gp too. The HV said 'you don't seem that bad' and that was that. I went to the GP and I cried at her and she just stared at me, didn't offer a tissue and told me to refer myself to IAPT. She couldn't have given less of a shit. I then did refer myself and I got counselling and the therapist was also shit, she couldn't remember my name and kept saying 'everyone feels like that' and chucking the same leaflets at me every week

I got through it eventually with not much help - it won't be forever.

ImMeantToBeWorking · 10/07/2019 16:09

OP I have only read your message so it is likely that this has been said a few times, but talk to your GP. That to me sounds like post-natal depression. You will get through this with the right help and support. Do not go through this alone. Doctors see it all the time, the fact that you are aware that you have an issue and you want to address it is huge. Please do not be so hard on yourself. Flowers

QueenEnid · 11/07/2019 08:24

Did you get to the doctors @Anonnmum ? Xx

Anonnmum · 11/07/2019 10:56

Hi guys. I’ve read every single Individual message and I can’t tell you how comforting it is and how much it’s helped me. I’ve taken in all your advice and will be using it all. I’ve also booked an appointment with the health visitor. Haven’t managed to speak to the doctor yet as I was rushed into hospital with my ribs unfortunately but I will book an appointment once discharged. Thankyou agin for everything everyone. It’s extremely appreciated ❤️

OP posts:
Jemima232 · 11/07/2019 13:25

Hi there, @Anonnmum

Keep posting because we're still listening.

So sorry to read you've been rushed into hospital. Who's looking after the baby?

More Flowers and have several slices of Cake too.

ImMeantToBeWorking · 11/07/2019 13:34

@Anonnmum I hope you feel better soon and aren't in hospital too long. Flowers take care of yourself.

Scorpiovenus · 11/07/2019 13:57

Can you send him to his dads for a while wso that you have a break?

Maybe try to get visitation set up similar to most guys have it. And not be the custodial parent? weekends only kind of thing.

HappyLoneParentDay · 11/07/2019 14:26

Can I ask - Is it possible to still have PND when they get to nearly 5 years old? I feel like mine never went :( I could've written this OP myself (although I wouldn't change having my DD - I love her to bits)

Jemima232 · 11/07/2019 14:32

@HappyLoneParentDay

If you had PND which wasn't treated you'd still have residual issues as a result.

If you're having feelings now of not being able to cope with your almost-five year old DD, I would say that you probably need to go to your doctor for help. Home Start can also give you a hand and therapy is always beneficial.

HappyLoneParentDay · 11/07/2019 16:03

@Jemima232 Thanks

It has been treated, it just never dissipated

corythatwas · 11/07/2019 16:41

Good to see you are getting help, OP.

One other smaller thing I think you can do is to try to lower your expectations on yourself as a parent. It is easy to get carried away and believe that our children have to respond to our commands as if we'd pressed a button; otherwise, we've failed as parents and they will probably grow up into thugs.

But the truth is that most 18mo aren't really developmentally ready for that kind of interaction. The trick is to manage your day in a way that doesn't set them - and you- up for failure. So instead of commanding them to do something, or stop doing it- tell them what they are going to do and then help them carry it out. Be hands-on, but in a firm and gentle way.

-Stroke pussy nicely, whilst holding their hand and guiding it. (and be prepared to pull the hand back to save poor pussy)
-Now we're going to say bye-bye to the park, while picking them up and putting them in the buggy. (if they scream, you haven't failed, it's just normal and does not reflect on you as a parent)
-Let's help you get dressed, while guiding their arms into the coat. (If they struggle you haven't failed, etc...)

And when all else fails, simply carry them off in a fireman's lift.

There will then be a probably rather longer period when they understand what you want from them perfectly well and also understand that they are expected to obey, but are testing the limits of their own autonomy. Some children do this more than others. Here screaming might have some kind of effect, but it's also likely to trigger more rebellion (as well as making both your lives less happy), so best kept to a minimum.

Again, a rebellious 2yo or 3yo who flat out refuses to do as they're told and lies on the floor of the supermarket kicking and screaming is not a reflection on your parenting: it's a stage. But again, things you can do to make it more bearable.

Nofunkingworriesmate · 11/07/2019 16:48

How do you know EVERYONE said bad things about you being a mum was it said to your face ?
Is it possible you are being paranoid?

VampirateQueen · 11/07/2019 16:59

I've not RTFT l, but it sounds very much like PND, I have been there, it is horrible and lonely. I was suicidal and I walked out once, I made it as far as the local park where I broke down sobbing, before heading back with my tail between my legs. Just tell the doctor how you feel and if you don't get anywhere with them, phone you health visitor.

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