I’m an awful parent.

[Anonnmum]

My child is 18months old and since he’s been born I’ve not really adjusted to mum life.
Infact I don’t like being a mum.
If I could go back in time and change it I definitely would, But I can’t.
I don’t know what to do I find myself constantly shouting at my child and finding everything really difficult.
My child doesn’t listen unless I scream at the top of my voice.
I feel like I’m going crazy.
I keep making him cry he always wants his dad more than he wants me.
He hates me.
I don’t know what to do.
I love him but I just can’t stand being a mum I feel trapped.
Some days I just want to run away forever but I know I’d miss him massively
Some days it gets so bad I wish I could just end my life
I can’t handle it anymore and I feel like I’m not doing a good job with him.
He’s not developing how he should he doesn’t talk yet all he can do is walk.
He’s not eating properly.

Side note: when I was pregnant a lot of negative things happened and my parents pretended they were supportive but I know they thought it was an awful idea and I’d be an awful parent.
Then when I gave birth my oh parents also said all the same as my parents and all his siblings said it too. It affected me massively and I think some of the issue I’m having are because of all the negativity I endured because Wirhout him being here I wouldn’t of got all of the grief.

There’s a lot of people who call me an amazing mother and some days I feel like I am a good mum but other days I feel awful.

I don’t know how to deal with it anymore and I feel like I’m getting swallowed into a dark hole I’ll never be able to get out of. Please help me.

If you are then so am I, love.

Be kind to yourself; you're worrying about it and that is a sure sign you're not as bad as you think

The fact you are on here asking for help shows you love him.

First of all speak to your GP.

Try and focus on the good bits, praise him for being good and stop shouting when he’s bad, correct him calmly without raising your voice (I know it’s hard).

Make sure you get a break, time to yourself. When your dh/do gets home let him take over and you take some time to yourself, be it a nice warm bath or a walk.

Get as much help from family and friends as you can, it’s ok to admit your not ok and ask for help.

I found parenting very hard, still do sometimes now they are teens, I wouldn’t change them for the world, I love them so much but there are times where I know if I could go back I would chose not to have kids. It’s the toughest job, it’s stressful and a real test. It used to upset me that other parents seemed to be enjoying raising young children when I found it a total nightmare. It does get easier, much easier in fact as they grow older.

Can you talk to your health visitor if not GP? When I made my appointment with the GP to discuss PND, my health visitor made herself available to sit in with me as I was so nervous. It really helped.

18 month olds don't listen. It's not you being a bad mum, don't think that. I tend to go to a different room and take a minute to breathe if I feel like I'm going to lose it. I have a 4 year old and a 10 month old so taking a minute to breathe happens a lot!
Are you back at work or a SAHM? I know some people find it easier to have that time away from the kids, even if it is just for work. Also your DS doesn't sound behind, he will get the talking eventually. My eldest didn't say a word until he was 3 and it was so frustrating for all of us. But they do get there in their own time.

Please do talk to someone and please do be kind to yourself. You are not an awful parent

Oh you poor thing! That's horrible all the negative things they told you when you were a vulnerable new mum, that's pretty much setting you up to fail.

BUT, that does not mean you WILL fail. Screaming at your baby is obviously not great, but you can turn it around, particularly as you are aware of it and you do love him and do care - otherwise you'd be in denial and not bothered at all. You actually have a big advantage in that you're aware you're not happy with how you're parenting, and that means you can change it. Everyone has bad moments, you are not alone.

I agree you sound depressed - go to the gp for this, ask to be put on the cbt waiting list, and also make an appointment for your baby just to set your mind at rest.

There is a really good book on parenting little ones called 'The book you wish your parents had read' which could help a lot - I had a dysfunctional family growing up and am still a bit terrified of repeating history with my baby, the book helped a lot, it talks about when you feel that rage at your child, it's often triggered by how you felt when you were little. How was your childhood? I bet it wasn't great, considering how crap all your family have been to you since you had your baby!

Join some parenting Facebook groups and try to look after yourself - i think there's some based on that book if you get on with it.

I could have written your post over 4 years ago when I had my first baby. I can relate to every single thing you’ve told us. I did not realise it at the time that I had extreme anxiety and pnd. I should have got help but I didn’t and recovery was slower than it needed to be plus I still carry anxiety with me about many things. You’ve been very honest about expressing your thoughts. That’s a massive step. Please do the same with your GP and get some help for this. Wishing you much happiness, 💐

Sounds like you're in a cycle where you're panicked and stressed so getting shouty and cross which is making your child more stressed and shouty and cross... I agree you need some support and so do go back to the doctors. It needn't be this difficult (although 18 month olds are challenging)...

It can take YEARS to come to terms with being a mum, I'm in my 12th year and still can't believe I'm in charge of these children and haven't a fecking clue what I'm doing most of the time... and I don't say that to stress you out, just that it's totally normal. You're getting to know this new person and they are getting to know you. I remember when my eldest was four (language delay) and just beginning to speak in a way I'd understand all of a sudden I could ask him questions about what he liked, what he didn't, why he was sad, what food he wanted... so many things fell into place and I felt like I wasn't just this slave to this small confusing person.

Things have every chance of settling down. I also wonder if you might just be processing what's happened in the past and perhaps you need some counselling to talk things through? If GP can't refer you you can get private counselling for around 30 quid a session via BACP practitioners registered website, I know it's not cheap but just putting it out there. Chin up lovely, you're doing your best

Lovely post Changednamefortoday, you’ve inspired me too with being a parent to my 4 year old and 1 year old.

Please don't think you are horrible, you are a parent and you care, otherwise you wouldn't post.

Sounds like you need to put your son to nursery, at least 3 days a week - or more if you can. It's not a failure, you need some space.

Mothers are treated like shit in this country, there's no recovery after giving birth allowed, and the exhaustion drags on, and PND rockets.

It honestly does get better - there 's an age when they test you, and you need to put boundaries. It would be easier if you had a bit of time without children.

Otherwise, try to go out as much as possible with them. Playgroups, parks, garden centre, soft plays. At least it gets you out of the house, but if you could, go with nursery.

Also, just thinking more about this, I think the way your family have treated you is appalling. Have you ever tried to pull back from them a bit?

I mentioned my family was dysfunctional - what helped me so so much was posting on here on the Relationships board and trying to explain how I felt about it and the patterns that I felt kept happening over and over. There are a lot of very wise and kind people there who have seen it all before and can help get your head straight about what's going on in your immediate family if they are upsetting and hurting you. for you, it sounds tough.

It sounds like you have zero support and ignore shitty comments from others. Forget what others think. Can you reach out to a counselor or GP? It's not a sign of failure but a healthy coping strategy

Oh @Anonnmum you aren't a bad mum. You do sound like you have PND though.

Please please please pick up the phone to your gp and go and see them TODAY. It is an emergency and you do need seeing. If you have to go at end of surgery then do that.

Being a parent is so hard. It being overwhelming is pretty normal on occasion but you shouldn't feel like that for the majority of the time. It's really positive that you're asking for help on here because that shows that you want to make it better.

Have you tried making a diary of thoughts? Sometimes getting it out makes a world of difference. It's easy to say to focus on the things that you can control or influence but it's much harder in practise. You have no control over what anyone else thinks or says about you. But you do have control over what you do about it.

What is the first thing you need to make things better?

Oh sweetheart, you sound exactly like me when I had PND (not diagnosed until DS was 2 1/2). It didn't matter how much I loved him, I felt I was never good enough. In some ways it made it worse because I loved him so overwhelmingly that I knew I would never be good enough for him.

As everyone else has said, please get help - via HV, GP, or online. You can recover, you will get that breathing space that allows you to feel able to cope, I promise you. I know how bleak things seem right now, but you don't have to feel this way - I remember a few months after being on ADs, suddenly thinking 'I don't feel overwhelmed today' There were always still bad days, because young children are hard work. But it felt like I wasn't running all the time, whilst feeling like I was constantly falling behind.

Your love for your DS shines through so strongly, none could doubt that. That alone makes you a good mum. You don't just have to take care of him though. You have to take care of yourself too. You are worth the time for that

Also just to add- I also have an 18m old and they are TESTING 🤯. My other is nearly 3 and life is so much easier when they're talking. My DD didn't really say anything until she was well over 2 so don't worry about the speech. They're all different.

But yea.... this age is very very frustrating. I'm guessing you have the same as me...

DC - (pointing and whinging) i want that. No that. No that. Not that. That. That that that. NOOOOOO

"What is it you want child?!

Try and get out for a walk or even just outside. Close your eyes and breathe deeply, in for 4 sec and out for 6. Do it 5 times and then open your eyes. It will make you feel better. I promise xx

I've got a theory that PND for many mothers is actually more like PTSD. Giving birth can be so bloody and brutal and then you are instantly expected to be awake, present and responsible... no breaks no sleep just relentless meeting needs week after week, month after month, and you're not allowed to give up and stop. Not ever. It's bewildering and no wonder we struggle to cope. Is it any wonder we sometimes question our decisions! Those who find the early months a breeze are very fortunate but I certainly didn't.

Margot I agree with you. It’s that and then the lack of support afterwards.
A health visitor visit is not enough. The mother needs to rest, recuperate and focus on bonding with the baby.
I know in the Asian culture, new mothers often get family help for up to 40 days or as long as they need it.
Although it’s not always practical anymore, it always used to be highlighted as something very important. It’s a shame we can’t afford new mothers that level of rest and recuperation if they need it.

Hi, my son is the same age and he isn't talking (walking though like yours). He certainly doesn't listen. If I want him to come to me or stop doing something I could call his name all day and he would take no notice- I have to go and get him/move him. I would think he had a hearing problem but if I put his cartoons on an iPad (that he can't see) or the music comes on for the meer cats bit of coronation street he is right there at attention to watch!

My eldest is nearly 10 - perfectly fine - but I worried about milestones and development throughout and I am determined to not do that again and just take my little one as I fine him. (Obviously i would seek help if I had reason to think there was something wrong but I'm not going to worry to no purpose anymore)

Visiting your GP (meds?) is a good idea. Also to chat to any good friends about your worries- or talk on here.
Hang in there!

I think if you are a bad parent (which you are not!) Lots of people are bad parents too!
I remember going through something similar when my DD was 18 months. I say this with love, but oh my they can be difficult little shits at that age. The tantrums are hard.
Maybe try and take a moment for yourself when you feel like shouting (we all have shouted at our kids, it happens). I dont mean have a day off, but something like going for a little walk when your OH comes home, hide in the toilet for 10 seconds, eat some secret chocolat in your bedroom!
If you don't get a nice GP try chatting to your friends or sometimes Doulas help with post natal stuff.
If you can afford to, you could get a baby sitter to come and play with the baby for a bit while you have a sit down.

But you're not a bad mum, and i'm sure your baby loves you. Stay strong. X

Or at least something similar to the support offered to new mums in the 70’s and 80’s. My aunt recalled that when she had her firstborn in 1980s that she was in hospital for 2 weeks for rest, recuperation etc.. Her and her baby were looked after around the clock by midwives which was the standard for that day. None of this have your baby in the morning and be home for dinner crap that we have today.

"Imagine you have a small alien in your house for a few years and you just have to put up with his annoying behaviour until he learns earthly ways."

This. This is the best advice I've seen.
You've made the right first step, looking after your own MH is just as important as caring for your child so shows that cannot be as awful a parent as you think.
I hope you read these comments and see the out pouring of support from us strange people at the end of our smart phones/computers etc.
Make an appointment with a different GP or your local crisis team if needs be. We are here for you.
Good luck xxx

Op I haven't rtft (sorry if I'm repeating another pp) but as well as the gp where I live we have children's centres (not sure if still sure start tbh). There are some lovely staff in our local one. I think they might also be able to provide support to you as well as the gp. They work closely with health visitors but they are a separate service and do home visits. Could you try ringing them if you have something like this where you are and just saying you are struggling & could someone see if they could come & see you & provide some support? Health visitors might also be able to help or signpost you to support services as well mine was a bit useless but there was a lovely caring nursery nurse who was very caring & helpful xx

You're doing your best and that's all that matters BUT you do need extra support right now.

you poor love. I hope you get some help/support/someone to talk too soon. It's not always easy being a mum.
An old aunt once said to me that when things get really trying - its aways better outdoors.. She was right and as soon as my two little ones got to be a bit of a handful... I'd abandon what we were doing, stick them in the pushchair and get them into the open air. Crying/whinging would often stop with the change of scene and curiosity or sound less terrible in the open air. Hang on in there x

It sounds like PND. You’re not alone with this, it’s very common but sadly just not spoken about.

You’re not a bad Mum. The baby and toddler stage is absolutely relentless at times. Many toddlers don’t speak at 18 months, my DS didn’t speak until he was three! He’s nine now and never shuts up . I promise you are doing nothing wrong. Contact your HV or GP, whoever you feel most comfortable with.

Dont be so hard on yourself.
I bet you are a brillaint mum

I am furious that your family had the cheek to judge you. You need a hand to hold or help not a put down. If they really cared then they would help and not disparage your efforts. As the other posters say, it does sound as if you have post natal depression. Please go and see your doctor or health visitor. Sending hugs.