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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is she being a table nabbing cf?

102 replies

Lillyringlet · 09/07/2019 11:56

So every week before preschool there is a little cafe run by the church. It is really great - the kids love it, adults caffeine/yummy food and the church raises money.

We have been going and grabbing a table as I have both a baby and toddler to wrangle. Recently they have not been putting out the little table in the corner with two chairs which my toddler adores so we have been sitting at the ironically smaller but the tables who it four chairs.

Every time we sit down at a table with four seats we have one of the helpers ask to come and sit with us. Seemed nice at first. She asked if her friend could sit and join us. Thought sure the more the merrier but they just sat ignoring us.

Next time she asked again and same thing. Third and fourth time she didn't ask - she waves her friend over and they just ignore me.

This time the corner table returns with only two seats so we go sit their. Sure enough she doesn't come over to us today and tries making friends with a mum who looks like at a table on her own at a table with four seats - as soon as a dad appears (so there will no longer be the extra seat needed for her friend to join), she is off trying to make friends with others with extra chairs.

Aibu to not want to feel used and maybe say no next time (which won't be until September now) so that I might get to talk to other mums rather than a old lady trying to nab her friend a chair who can just wait ten minutes for the preschool kids to go in...

OP posts:
justmyview · 09/07/2019 14:27

She is sitting with me to "talk" and be friendly until her friend arrives and then I have just been getting blanked

Isn't that quite normal? You make a bit of polite chit chat to someone you know only slightly, while she waits for her friend to arrive?

Original poster
Lillyringlet · 09/07/2019 14:28

@SchadenfreudePersonified but we would talk - she wasn't asking to table share with me but would ask to come and chat. When her friend arrived though she would basically ignore me.

Basically she would talk to me until I was no longer needed or useful it seems.

OP posts:
Weepingwillow5 · 09/07/2019 14:30

I don’t think there’s anything odd about this op - in a busy cafe you might ask to share a table , but you probably wouldn’t do anything other than pass the time of day with the other people sitting there

Original poster
Lillyringlet · 09/07/2019 14:33

She never came over to ask to share the table but would ask to con be and chat then ask if her friend could join us. She made it originally sound like a nice way to make two friends, especially as her friend is around my age.

It always sounded like she just wanted to come over and say hello and talk to me.

OP posts:
fromdownwest · 09/07/2019 14:36

It sounds like the crux of the problem is that you want to make friends at this venue and the lady has made you feel like this isn't possible.

I would go back with an open mind and engage in conversation, if she is someone worth being friendly with, she will reciprocate. If she doesn't then you are not losing out on a friendship.

Things seem a lot more personal when your guard is up. So next time, open mind, and let it flow naturally.

PuppyMonkey · 09/07/2019 14:36

I still don’t know whether I quite understand OP, but imho I think you’d be better sitting somewhere else completely. Go over to the other mum who you said was on her own and sit there?Confused

I’ve misunderstood it completely haven’t I?

MyOpinionIsValid · 09/07/2019 14:37

OMG trhis is such hard work!

So Lady sits down and has a chat until her mate arrives, then chats to mate, this is what you are uptight about ?

IncandescentShadow · 09/07/2019 14:38

YABU, because this is so incredibly trivial.

Either make conversation with the woman and her friend yourself.

Or say 'no' and don't let them sit there, but don't hog 2 empty chairs to yourself.

You could always move the two extra chairs away from your table, thus pre-empting any unwelcome sitters.

Or join at another table?

Do people really get worked up about this sort of stuff?

storm11111 · 09/07/2019 14:42

Everyone I think i get it!!!

You OP, thought she was your friend so when her friend arrives and she doesn't involve you 'in the group chat' you feel used because you feel like you've been dumped by a friend for a better option.

However, in her mind you are a friendly stranger she has a bit of small talk with on a morning. And a nice convenient sitting arrangement sorted.

Her behaviour in the context of a 'friend' is hurtful. If one of my friends ignored me and started talking to someone else i'd be hurt however her behaviour in terms of 'friendly acquaintance' is perfectly reasonable.

All this table and chairs nonsense is a red-herring to the real issue here. Unfortunately OP I think you have different ideas on how close your relationship is. :/

You're not being unreasonable to be disappointed about someone you thought was a friend being less close than you thought

but equally i don't think she is being unreasonable for not considering her relationship with you to be at 'friend' status.

Sucks though. Sorry OP

UpToonGirl · 09/07/2019 14:49

I'm impressed enough that your toddler is happy to sit at the table for any length of time! I may have misunderstood the set up but are there toys out for your DC to play with? Do the children actually need their own seats?

Again I may have misunderstood, I do know it's difficult to make friends in a new area (or even not a new area) and it can be tough putting yourself out there. Sometimes this can make us oversensitive and read too much into things. Can you arrive a couple of minutes later and sit at a table with someone already there and strike up a conversation?

PCohle · 09/07/2019 14:54

So this lady is meant to be working/volunteering but wants to save a seat for her and her friend who arrives later. There are empty tables available but sitting there would make it obvious she's slacking. Instead she sits with you under the pretence of being friendly but when her mate arrives she ignores you.

You think that given other people, who arrive earlier than the friend, don't get seats this table saving shenanigans is unfair?

SilverySurfer · 09/07/2019 14:55

I think what you seem to not understand is that it's perfectly normal in a busy cafe to sit at a table if there are empty seats. This woman her friend just want seats at a table, they haven't chosen to sit there because you're sitting there and they are not obliged to become friends or even speak to you by doing so. Of course if you are on a table for 2 they don't sit with you because there are no free seats so they go to another table for 4 with 2 spare seats.

You are in no shape or form 'being used' and no you can't stop them sitting at your table if there are seats free.

No-one is stopping you making friends with the other mothers. Why don't you go and talk to them or sit at one of their tables?

Beautiful3 · 09/07/2019 15:01

She's elderly and wants a seat for her self and her friend. Let her sit down with you.

SchadenfreudePersonified · 09/07/2019 15:02

she wasn't asking to table share with me but would ask to come and chat. When her friend arrived though she would basically ignore me.

That is bad-mannered, I admit, and I would also be upset about this.

I think, as you say, that next time it happens, you should just say "Oh- sorry. We really don't want company today as we are doing XYZ and won't have time to chat - and we'll need to spread out on the table." (Take colouring stuff or something with you and spread out).

Jemima232 · 09/07/2019 15:02

Yes, OP - you're right. She is a CF.

Original poster
Lillyringlet · 09/07/2019 15:03

I'm just going to say no to having a chat if she comes over and asks and say I want some time to talk to my toddler in September, and then offer up the spare seats when I see a mum who needs them all.

Sorry for confusing everyone. And thanks those who worked out what I was trying to say.

My family have used and abused my kind nature in the past so it is a trigger for me. Guess this is where it felt bigger than it really was as I don't know how to cope or see when people are using me.

OP posts:
beckywiththecraphair · 09/07/2019 15:12

Could you not..........this is radical, stay with me.................

Sit with someone else?

LondonJax · 09/07/2019 15:15

I get what you're trying to say @Lillyringlet.

Am I right in thinking that, if she sees a couple of empty seats, she'll ask to join that table but hold both seats (one for her and one for her friend who arrives after a few of the other mums)? So the mums who arrive between her nabbing the seats and her friend arriving, have to sit on the steps?

Best thing to do, if she decides to sit down again, is to wave a lone mum or dad over and say 'there's a spare seat here' - and if the woman says anything say 'well she's not here yet so the seat's going free isn't it?'

And yes, she's a CF if she's meant to be serving/clearing AND is saving seats when others have to stand.

WhentheRabbitsWentWild · 09/07/2019 15:27

Its not your table OP is all I get from your post

Can't say I understand most of it anyway

Namechangeforthiscancershit · 09/07/2019 15:31

Giving up empty chairs is not your kind nature. It's required. Don't think of it in that way. Why don't you sit with the lonely mums on the stairs? That WOULD be a kind thing to do.

Original poster
Lillyringlet · 09/07/2019 15:34

@PCohle that's exactly it. Is it really fair on others who arrived fifteen minutes before her friend arrives to get a seat?

Is it really acceptable to be rude to someone just because of where they sat down to eat with their toddler?

OP posts:
PCohle · 09/07/2019 15:42

I understand the set up now and I can see why you think this is a bit cheeky.

However saying that you feel "used" and that it's "painful" to think about, over a bit of table saving going on at the church cafe seems quite an extreme reaction. I think you maybe need to stop dwelling on this.

Original poster
Lillyringlet · 09/07/2019 15:51

I think the fact that I just cried over cheese might be that my lack of sleep from teething baby is getting to me more than I thought @PCohle

OP posts:
sweeneytoddsrazor · 09/07/2019 15:53

2 things

1 you are way overthinking this

2 its a volunteer run church cafe why on earth aren't people taking their own plates up to the counter when they have finished.

pinkdelight · 09/07/2019 17:42

Definitely overthinking, all the talk of rudeness and snubbing and feeling used. Never mind thinking up mad strategies to thwart her and show her by offering seats to others. Try not to give it another thought, ever. Sit with your dc, enjoy their company, chat to whoever, and take things for what they are without reading too much into it. Sure if you'd had more sleep you'd see she's an older lady volunteering and meeting her friend, not really a prime candidate for friendship with you, nor a scurrilous seat hogging CF, but probably a decent person to pass a few minutes with before you both get on with your lives.