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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is she being a table nabbing cf?

102 replies

Lillyringlet · 09/07/2019 11:56

So every week before preschool there is a little cafe run by the church. It is really great - the kids love it, adults caffeine/yummy food and the church raises money.

We have been going and grabbing a table as I have both a baby and toddler to wrangle. Recently they have not been putting out the little table in the corner with two chairs which my toddler adores so we have been sitting at the ironically smaller but the tables who it four chairs.

Every time we sit down at a table with four seats we have one of the helpers ask to come and sit with us. Seemed nice at first. She asked if her friend could sit and join us. Thought sure the more the merrier but they just sat ignoring us.

Next time she asked again and same thing. Third and fourth time she didn't ask - she waves her friend over and they just ignore me.

This time the corner table returns with only two seats so we go sit their. Sure enough she doesn't come over to us today and tries making friends with a mum who looks like at a table on her own at a table with four seats - as soon as a dad appears (so there will no longer be the extra seat needed for her friend to join), she is off trying to make friends with others with extra chairs.

Aibu to not want to feel used and maybe say no next time (which won't be until September now) so that I might get to talk to other mums rather than a old lady trying to nab her friend a chair who can just wait ten minutes for the preschool kids to go in...

OP posts:
CoffeeRunner · 09/07/2019 13:39

Well it’s quite simple really.

Of course the lady & her friend are not going to ask to join you when you have no spare seats.

In your situation, I would have assumed they were asking to share just the table - not because they wanted to actually sit with you specifically.

I wouldn’t have expected to join in their conversation much past the polite small talk stage.

EssentialHummus · 09/07/2019 13:39

Do you think:
a) that she is intent on getting that table at all costs?
b) that there is some judgment of two people sitting at a four-person table?
c) that she’s just there to talk to you about Jesus?

Those are the things I think you might be (unreasonably) upset about here.

GPatz · 09/07/2019 13:40

livefornaps - not as boring as your attitude.

I wouldn't worry about it OP. It's not really the place that you go to make life long friendships.

newmomof1 · 09/07/2019 13:42

You don't want her to sit and ignore you on a table of 4 but you're happy to sit on your own at a table of 2, so you're not interacting with anybody anyway. I don't understand the issue.

NoSquirrels · 09/07/2019 13:47

Ok, read it again.

Your basic crux of the issue is you think older ladies should wait for younger kids to leave. Youth before age etc.?

Sorry, but that’s unreasonable. Open cafe, anyone there at the same time equally entitled to a chair.

Lorddenning1 · 09/07/2019 13:52

its a small non issue to get worked up over OP

justmyview · 09/07/2019 13:54

OP - Is she being a table nabbing cf?

No, she's an elderly lady who wants to sit with her friend at a cafe where there aren't quite enough tables for the customers, so she sometimes joins a table where people are already sitting

YABVU

Original poster
Lillyringlet · 09/07/2019 13:58

I guess the concensus is that I'm being unreasonable - oh well you live and you learn. That or suck at fully explaining myself (happens often).

I guess I just don't like to feel like feeling used rather than someone and just being snubbed when not useful to them. In the past I have happily offered up even my seat so others could sit down or with their friends.

Just feels like other mums who arrived early don't get a seat for them and their kids for the half an hour that they are there, some who have a neckborn so end up sitting on the steps, while her friend arrives just in the last ten minutes before preschool to then go to a nice seat when she could wait ten minutes as she hangs around until 10 for something else to start in the church. Just get being snubbed all because I wasn't useful to her, a lady whose role is about welcoming people and clearing up plates (which weren't today as she was busy trying to get a seat for her friend).

So to me it still feels painful and makes me wonder what friends I could have made rather than feeling used and realising she's stopping others.

I guess no amount of wall of text though will sway anyone. No worries. Thanks all.

OP posts:
Coffeeonthesofa · 09/07/2019 13:59

This has nothing to do with it being a church cafe, apart from making it a cheap and convenient option for you. OP you seem convinced that this cafe is being run purely for the benefit of only the pre-school group of mums you personally and resent any one else either sitting at YOUR table or indeed any other table, it seems.
You actually think they should wait 10 minutes , until you graciously leave the premises before they can take a seat, even though there are seats free?
OP you are being the table napping CF

livefornaps · 09/07/2019 14:00

Pipe down @GPatz - I didn't ask for your twopence, did I?!

thedevondumpling · 09/07/2019 14:03

I don't understand what people don't understand so maybe it is just you and me OP.

At this sort of event, not just a normal cafe, I would expect people to talk to each other so it isn't very nice of her to sit down and ignore you, two women sit at a table with a woman with a baby and toddler it isn't too much to exchange a few words is it.

Not sure if I would go so far as to say she is a CF but wouldn't hurt to include you, it can be lonely with two little ones all day.

fromdownwest · 09/07/2019 14:04

Sorry OP - Still no idea what your issue is? I am however, very confused.

EssentialHummus · 09/07/2019 14:06

Just get being snubbed all because I wasn't useful to her

She just wanted you for your seat OP. Sorry.

Original poster
Lillyringlet · 09/07/2019 14:06

To all those asking, when she sits down with me, they're are lots of tables free - we are the some of the first ones to arrive but she can't exactly sit around trying to keep a table when she's supposed to be working so would suit with me occasionally going and clearing plates.

There just isn't any twenty minutes later when her friend arrives (who isn't old) but there is ten minutes after when the preschoolers go in.

I don't feel like she's nabbing a table off me but off others who could do with the seat far more than her and her friend. So much so I've given my seat/table up even with a newborn.

OP posts:
Aprillygirl · 09/07/2019 14:08

The seats don't belong to you OP. They are for everyone's use, so I don't understand how someone spotting two empty seats and politely asking to use them equates to them using you in your mind. They just want to sit down, that's all Confused.

Halloumimuffin · 09/07/2019 14:13

Even if she is 'using' you for your table so she can nab a spot for her and her friend while working - YABU to find it 'painful'! It's nothing personal.

whatswrongwithmyarm · 09/07/2019 14:14

Ah I get it now I think. She's pretending to be friendly with you as you are essentially holding the table for her friend until her friend arrives.

SchadenfreudePersonified · 09/07/2019 14:15

Many people would be happy to share a table, but wouldn't want the "sharer" to have a full on conversation with them.

Your post could just as easily have read "I said they could share our table and they act like we have been friends for years - I just want to chat to my toddler."

It's different people with different expectations.

She isn't being cheeky, but neither are you - you just have different thoughts about table-sharing. I must admit though, that I'm surprised that when she was frequently sharing a table with you she didn't have at least a little bit of small talk. But such is life.

Todaythiscouldbe · 09/07/2019 14:15

Ok. Let's look at it another way. The lady, who is a volunteer, wants to sit down and chat to her friend. I'm sure she's allowed to even when she's supposed to be 'working'.
Rather than use a whole table she has spotted that you sit on your own so she shares yours, leaving other tables free for, presumably, paying customers (it's not clear if the people waiting for toddler group are actually having drinks/food)
Do you talk to her before her friend arrives?
Her friend may arrive at that time because it's the time of her bus, or the time it's convenient for her to be dropped off. Who knows?

Alsohuman · 09/07/2019 14:16

?

Original poster
Lillyringlet · 09/07/2019 14:18

Wow from all the replies it makes it sound like I hate old ladies or something Hmm rather than trying to be nice and of course let people have a seat. What i didn't like was someone acting all nice to me just so when their friend arrives they are rude to me. Or rude to me if I don't sit at a table with more seats.

I only sit at the two seat table as my toddler prefers it there... It just hurt to feel used when I had really been trying to make friends still being new to the area.

I just don't like the thought that she's been using me to save seats when there are others who could really do with a seat who arrived much earlier but don't because of her. As I've said before, I'm really quick to offer up mine if the newborn isn't trying to suck me dry or even other seats. I just find seat saving and faux friendships cheeky and hurtful.

Just was clear today she's not a friend and that hurt.

OP posts:
Paraballa · 09/07/2019 14:22

Op why not say next time that you'd like to sit alone?

Original poster
Lillyringlet · 09/07/2019 14:23

That's exactly it @whatswrongwithmyarm. I really suck at explaining things.

She is sitting with me to "talk" and be friendly until her friend arrives and then I have just been getting blanked.

I thought it was weird that they would blank me but was polite as they clearly wanted to talk. Now it is clear I'm just a pawn for seat saving and she doesn't want to talk if I am not deemed useful.

OP posts:
Original poster
Lillyringlet · 09/07/2019 14:25

@Paraballa I think I will next time and then just offer up the spare seats to other mums who arrived later. Just hurt today to finally realise she doesn't see me as a friend.

OP posts:
whatswrongwithmyarm · 09/07/2019 14:25

That's a bit shitty op. I'd just say no it's saved in future.

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