Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Child benefit - who should claim?

91 replies

Justme1981 · 09/07/2019 06:38

Hi Duplicate post for traffic

Im separated from my husband, DS is 2. The child benefit is in my name but since split in nov my ex has forced me to send him half child benefit. Past 2 months I've not sent it as I needed the money. Hes now demsnding half & threatening to counter claim.
Ds is with me 4/7 nights, ex 3/7. I earn £38,000 ex roughly £19, 000. I pay all childcare costs, receive no maintenance. I live alone, ex lives with his dad.
Please can anyone give me an indication of what the child benefits people may decide?
I called them but they would only say that they would look at it when he makes a counter claim.

Aibu to keep child benefit?
Thank you in advance

OP posts:
MustardScreams · 09/07/2019 08:31

Because he’s not the resident parent. Honestly it’s not hard to understand.

QueenoftheBiscuitTin · 09/07/2019 08:40

He shouldn't be getting any of it.

FudgeBrownie2019 · 09/07/2019 08:41

It's not just about him not being resident parent, though, it's also the fact that the Ex is rude and bullying OP.

If my Ex asked politely for me to share something like this I'd be a damned sight more likely to give in than if he ranted and raved because any man that feels the need to bully a woman over £8 a week isn't likely to stop once he gets his £8 a week; he'll just move onto the next thing, and the next and the next, each time feeling like he's 'won' a little victory over OP. How is that in the OP's best interests?

OP, I would seek a residence order. It can be a pretty quick process in most cases, but it's something worth having. I'd do it as soon as possible.

AriadneesWeb · 09/07/2019 08:47

Surely it’s irrelevant as the money gets spent on your child anyway? Could you agree to put it aside in a separate account specifically for your child’s expenses, so he can see what it’s being spent on?

Past 2 months I've not sent it as I needed the money
Why? It’s not your money, it’s to be spent on your child.

MustardScreams · 09/07/2019 08:53

She needed the money FOR HER CHILD. Child benefit isn’t exclusively for clothes shoes etc, it’s for heating, electricity, food, rent/mortgage, car upkeep including petrol to be able to take child to nursery or the drs so her child can have a safe and secure life.

Putting it aside so her controlling ex can see where it’s spent? Seriously?

leosayershair · 09/07/2019 09:00

It is £20 a week for first or oldest child, not £8

Anyone can put in a counter claim, it doesn't mean it would be awarded to them.

When child benefit receive a counter claim (or they call it rival claim) then they will suspend your payments while they are doing their investigations into who should have the benefit. They have to do this as the other party may be a genuine claim. When the decision is made then whoever is given the award will receive the backdated payments.

They may write out to you to ask if you want to give up your child benefit or send s form out for further evidence. Address where they are registered for doctor/school and where child is resident for majority of the time & possibly days/nights they reside there is good information to send. If they do contact you then send everything they request or reply as it may it may go in his favour if you don't.

Or if your payments stop then that maybe an indication he has indeed put in a claim then ring them and tell them you do not want to give up the benefit. They may still write out for further evidence or send a form to be completed.

It can be a very lengthy process because if they send correspondence out then they have to allow a reasonable time for a reply.

Good luck OP, hope he doesn't bother or it gets resolved quickly.

SleepingStandingUp · 09/07/2019 09:18

Past 2 months I've not sent it as I needed the money
Why? It’s not your money, it’s to be spent on your child
So it's better for op to not feed him properly, risk the roof over his head etc so long as DS gets £20 off sweets and toys a week?

Out isn't for them in the sense of being their cash, its for them to have some of their needs met by the rp

Tyrotoxicity · 09/07/2019 09:25

Having seen my sibling go through similar - don't cave, OP. You're entirely in the right to have the CB - you're the resident parent, you've got the address proofs with GP and nursery.

You say he's a bully. You know he's doing this to control you, don't you? You don't have to let him.

He's probably not going to go to the effort of putting in a counter claim, but it's still good to consider what you could do if he does, to help you feel more in control. And there's actually a lot you can do here.

When my sibling went through this with a child of the same age, they kept records of EVERYTHING. There's a spreadsheet detailing every hour that child spent at nursery or his house or her house, where every night was spent (in case arrangements changed one week). My sibling happily kept paying all the nursery fees because it was further evidence of who was resident parent (as well as not wanting to be up the proverbial creek if the ex didn't pay). My sibling kept a record of every single email or text to or from the ex - just in case. And sibling discussed how the ongoing stress of the controlling ex was affecting mental health with the doctor - so the ex's abuse was on record somewhere, just in case.

The ex did put in a counter claim eventually (as someone mentioned upthread - this was done in order to quit work and claim the tax credits). The split of nights worked out at 7/14 each, but my sibling was deemed the resident parent, and kept the CB.

Keep records and don't cave, OP. Talk to authority figures about your ex's bullying. Stay one step ahead and don't let him bully you; and keep a close eye on your child's emotional development in this difficult ongoing situation.

TheBrockmans · 09/07/2019 09:51

I would also start looking at admission criteria especially if he is not happy with that school and might try to use his address to apply for a different school. Different LEAs use different criteria. Some are interested in who get child benefit (you), some who has them majority of the time (you) and some who has him most school nights (?him). It might be to your advantage to keep the CB even if it means giving him some money for now rather than risk losing it and control of school choice. You dropping him off more at pre school etc will also be less likely to raise suspicion in school applications. It may be that he is wanting to claim CB so it opens up more benefits for him too.

Original poster
Justme1981 · 09/07/2019 09:57

Thanks all, i ended up sending him the money as he refused to meet me with ds otherwise

OP posts:
kamikazeee · 09/07/2019 09:59

Errrr no, don't be giving him anything. Unless he has joint custody which is equal 50/50 then he's not entitled. If that happens and he does have the child 3.5 days a week, he is within his right to put in a claim for CB. They will then make a decision on who has it.

Thehop · 09/07/2019 10:01

He refused to hand him back?

Original poster
Justme1981 · 09/07/2019 10:05

Yes, he was supposed to meet me by preschool, didnt show up, had text conversation as he wouldnt pick up phone. I said money going towards preschool, he said hes not going then, i said if i send you 40 will you bring him he said yes so i sent it. He was hiding round the corner, handed him over when i sent the money.

OP posts:
newmomof1 · 09/07/2019 10:09

I think you should give him half. You're earning twice the amount he is.
He couldn't afford to live alone and properly care for your son on his salary. Cut him some slack.

kamikazeee · 09/07/2019 10:10

What the fuck. No.

You don't use your child as a weapon.

Get a court order out, sort custody legally. That's disgusting.

MustardScreams · 09/07/2019 10:11

He’s using their son as a bargaining chip. He’s a despicable man.

Op I really think you should look into getting some legal advice regarding this behaviour. He can’t hold your son hostage to get you to give him £40.

newstart1337 · 09/07/2019 10:20

Sounds like joint residency and because you earn twice what he does then giving him half the CB does seem fair.

If you want to do 2 days of preschool then can you do them on days you have DS, leave it up to your ex to decide what to do when he is with him.

2toe · 09/07/2019 10:20

It seems to be about control not about the money. Child benefit is for the resident parent, it’s no such thing as a split claim, there cannot be more than one claim.
The person who gets child benefit is accepted as the resident parent for school, housing and any benefit claims which you may need in the future.
If he’s trying to control you, being abusive, refusing to hand your child back you need to see a lawyer and get contact set, you do not have to speak to ex directly.

MsPavlichenko · 09/07/2019 10:28

Regardless of the ins and outs of the finances, he is an abusive bully. The CB is the latest way of controlling you. This behaviour also indicates what a poor parent he is . As evidenced by his carry on today. Think about what your DC is learning from seeing his behaviour. And your response.

Please look at the Freedom Programme, and consider calling WA too for advice.

LakieLady · 09/07/2019 10:44

Holy fuck, OP, your update is shocking. Holding out for money before handing back your son? That's appalling behaviour.

And now it's worked once, he's more likely to do it again. Or ask for more. What an absolute shit.

I'd be stopping contact and applying for a child arrangements order. And I'd be applying for the order today (although I have a feeling you have to go through mediation first these days, unless DA is involved).

mrsm43s · 09/07/2019 10:46

Your ex sounds horrible and controlling.

That said, he earns very little, and you earn quite well. He cannot afford to move out from his Dad's whereas you have your own place. Yet you split costs (apart from childcare, which he doesn't want/need anyway?) 50:50. By any measure, you are far better off than him.

The child benefit is for the good of the child. It is likely that he struggles far more to provide for the child than you do. He probably needs that contribution far more than you do.

In your situation, I would probably allow the ex to claim CB, because it would also passport him to UC/Tax Credits and HB, which would put him in a much better situation to be able to provide for your joint child. It's a very small loss to you, but a very large gain for him, and overall your child would benefit.

His attitude would be the only thing that made me reluctant, as it does feel from later updates that he has control issues.

TheBrockmans · 09/07/2019 10:59

What message is hiding around the corner until you pay giving to ds? I would make sure that you document that too. I do think that a court order would be useful but rather as much evidence as you can first.

Original poster
Justme1981 · 09/07/2019 11:37

Thanks all, im trying to get hold of solicitor, im pretty certain we have to go to mediation first, hes sent me a load of messages which acuse me of being the aggressor, im deceitful, etc i feel sick,

OP posts:
tashac89 · 09/07/2019 11:46

He used your kid to extort money out of you but you're the aggressor? Personally I would be speaking to a solicitor. And keep all the messages.

MsPavlichenko · 09/07/2019 11:48

Please look at this. It will help you break free of him, and move forward .

www.freedomprogramme.co.uk/

Swipe left for the next trending thread