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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel uneasy with DC getting lifts

67 replies

LoveYourHome9 · 09/07/2019 05:06

I seem to have just reached a new era of parenting that I’m just not quite feeling comfortable with and I’m not sure if I AIBU!

My DS9 is involved in various sports with a lot of his friends from school. Up until now, it was always a given that we would take and pick up to wherever and usually stay. Now it seems to be the norm with other parents to offer to carpool - with one parent saying they will pick up and another saying they are happy to drop back home etc. It seems suddenly to have happened and I’m just not sure how I feel about it!

It’s also happened twice recently where DS has been invited to a birthday event - such as going to a trampoline park - whereby the parents were asking for the boys to be dropped off and collected at their house and they would transport there and back.

I know for most this is a god send! Not having to do all the transport does in theory sound great, and there are more than a couple of kids I know whose parents will happily have anyone pick them up if it saves them a trip.

I just feel really uneasy with this! Partly it’s because I like to see my kid at the events concerned, not in some weird controlling way, just say at football, I actually like to meet the coach and sit on the side cheering him on!

The other side of it is safety. Some
of the parents I know and trust but at other times I don’t know them so well, don’t know if they have reliable safe insured cars or what the car seat situation is. On the occasions that my son has gone, I’ve asked ideas i can provide a high back booster if they don’t have a spare and they were fine with this. My son tells me he was the only one going whose parents provided a car seat

How do others feel about this? Am I overthinking this? Should I be as relaxed as some other parents seem to be?

I guess I am also worrying about my ability to offer lifts to other children. I have a decent sized car but there is only space in the back for 2 car seats (one for DS9 and DS5). There is the middle seat but I don’t think another car seat or even booster would squeeze in there. An adult can fit with a seat belt but that’s not suitable for a child.

OP posts:
WhiteDust · 09/07/2019 05:12

Are you in the UK? Do 9 year olds need a booster seat?

HennyPennyHorror · 09/07/2019 05:15

I think you desperately need to unclench. You sound terribly anxious and 9 is almost old enough for high school! Most parents relinquish a lot of control at this age. Is your DS particularly small that he needs a car seat still?

Gatehouse77 · 09/07/2019 05:20

There were certain parents I would never let my DC in a car with - even to the point of informing school that under no circumstances were they to go in their car (and I was not alone on this).

But, overall, I was grateful for the help as sometimes I had 3 kids doing different things in different places. And it meant I could do something with the other kids.

Car seats were not an issue at that age for mine.

xyzandabc · 09/07/2019 05:35

What you describe about others sounds perfectly normal. You sound very anxious, worried, that you must be with your child at all times.

Are you in the UK? By 9 many children will be over 135cm so not need a booster seat so would be perfectly fine in your car middle seat.

My dds were 10 before they were tall enough and in my car I have kept all of mine in hbb as long as they still fit, so well beyond the 135cm as I know it is safer. But for one off journeys with others I just sent a booster seat rather than a hbb and once they hit 140cm, I let them go without even though they still had hbbs in my car.

It's part of growing your child's independence to let them go places without you and 9 is the perfect age to start doing this. Other parents are there so your dc is still supervised, perfect environment for letting him go alone. Give it another year and he'll be asking to go places on his own just with friends, no parents, so starting to give a little independence now will help prepare both him and you for the next few years.

Unless there are reasons you haven't mentioned, I think you need to relax a bit, he will be fine without you and start letting him build friendships without you always hovering in the background.

Original poster
LoveYourHome9 · 09/07/2019 05:37

Not UK but car seat laws are similar.

Booster seats need to be used until 4ft 9, typically age 11 or 12. No riding up front until 13.

I’ve always been strict with car seat safety but I just thought every parent was.

Accept I’m overthinking it and need to chill. I’m relaxed about a lot of parenting but I car safety is something I just don’t think you can take too seriously.

OP posts:
3teens2cats · 09/07/2019 05:46

The risk of the parent having an accident with your dc in the car is low. The risk of your child not developing the necessary independence and resilience are very high if you don't let them be separate from you and do things like get a lift. Just wait until they are older teenagers and suddenly they are getting a lift from a fellow teen who has just passed their test!

Mac47 · 09/07/2019 05:56

Car safety - your car, your rules. You don't have to explain yourself.
The bit I found very strange was the wanting to meet the coach and cheer your child on. I'm afraid this very much does make you that parent if you want to do this at someone else's event. I'm sure the coach has better things to do than chat to parents and your child is getting to the age where you being the only mum wanting to do this will cause social mortification. Let him have his time with his mates and accept the new order.

Mummyoflittledragon · 09/07/2019 06:01

Does your dc definitely need a car seat? 4ft 9 is not 11 or 12 unless you’re in a place, where the average is far shorter than the Uk.

I kept my dd in her high back booster until she no longer fitted and past the 135cm but had to force myself let her ride in others cars occasionally past this height.

I understand how you feel. I did at the time. Unfortunately you’re going to have to let it go.

Apolloanddaphne · 09/07/2019 06:10

How tall is your DS?

MsTSwift · 09/07/2019 06:28

Gosh this is all very intense. I have a tall,10 year old not used booster for years. Does your son accept using boosters? If the parents are sensible adults wouldn’t occur to me to question their ability to transport my child to events. He needs to learn some independence he is not 3 any more. My 9 year old walked to school with friends.

crispysausagerolls · 09/07/2019 06:29

Booster seat at 9 is madness, surely?!

floribunda18 · 09/07/2019 06:30

Age 12 or 135cm is the limit (whichever comes first) being the most relevant part of the rule. And it's 4'5", not 4'9". I think DD2 got there when she was 8, DD1 when she was 9.

Nacreous · 09/07/2019 06:39

Whenever I read this I am glad I wasn't growing up at booster age, as I didn't grow until year 7, so I would have been in a booster for the whole of primary school.

The laws where you are do sound strict, but I think it is important to let kids have some independence. Just offer to take and return a couple of kids for some where you would really like to watch. Job done :)

xyzandabc · 09/07/2019 06:39

Floribunda, OP has already said she is not in the UK, the 135cm/12 years rule is for the UK. Several countries in Europe have a 150cm limit but OP says where she is, it's 4ft9.

Myfoolishboatisleaning · 09/07/2019 06:43

Are you in the US OP? As another poster said what will you do when they are 16?

DtPeabodysLoosePants · 09/07/2019 06:44

I'm the same about lifts. So many parents don't think car seats are necessary it seems. DDs were in high backed boosters until 10/11. They are very slight and hadn't reached the height requirement. Dd is 10 and the seatbelt does not sit well on her without a booster cushion but she's technically tall enough to go without. Ds is 4 and still in his full belt and braces car seat. His friends are travelling without anything in some cases.
I can't see anything wrong with wanting to meet the coach unless you mean chat to them every time. And my children would want me to be cheering them on. Isn't that in our job description?

barryfromclareisfit · 09/07/2019 06:45

OP, you are right. I wouldn’t like it either.

MargotSimpson · 09/07/2019 06:49

Why don’t you just not get involved in the lift sharing?

PeachMoon · 09/07/2019 06:52

Maybe the OP is in Australia - the law is a little bit different here on car seats I think? Technically over 7's can go without a booster seat but only if they are tall enough, and the generally accepted height is 145cm which is roughly 4'9" as the OP says.

crisscrosscranky · 09/07/2019 06:56

Hi OP, this sounds a bit like anxiety.

My own anxiety manifests in me imagining catastrophes like car crashes, falling into ponds, serious illness... which in turn make me more anxious. At one stage it was meaning my kids weren't able to do anything remotely exciting for my fear of some sort of harm.

CBT has helped me a lot.

Sunshine93 · 09/07/2019 06:56

Booster seat at 9 is madness, surely?! why?

Op you are overhtinking and worrying too much. Continue with the car seat, some people are very laid back but I, like you, prefer to stick to the rules on that one.

Other people gving your child a lift at 9 is perfectly normal and its right that he gets to have time doing activities away from you, great for his independence and development.

If there are particular parents you have reason to mistrust then obviously dont send him in a car with them, just give him a lift on that occasion saying you were going that way anyway. The vast majority of people will drive safely and follow the rules.

Pineapplefish · 09/07/2019 07:04

Hi OP, I don't personally agree with your viewpoint as I have three DC who all do lots of activities and I lift share a LOT! All my DC are tall and haven't had a car seat for ages (youngest is 9).

However, it's totally your decision. You don't have to enter the lift share thing if you don't want to. Do what is right for you.

EdtheBear · 09/07/2019 07:06

Op trunki booster is the way forward, easy to carry and can double as a bag. I have a shorty who's likely to age out of car seats than grow out of them.
You do sound like the helicopter parent and you do need to let go a bit.

cptartapp · 09/07/2019 07:08

You're doing him no favours here. He needs to learn to start having a life away from you. As the mother of two boys who has lift shared for football, scouts etc for 16 years, really, its in his long term interest for you to back away a little.
Does he not do cubs, go away on camps etc? Do you work?

TuckMyWin · 09/07/2019 07:19

Bloody hell. By all means give constructive advice to the OP if you think she needs to let her kids develop independence, but what do you think gives you the right to belittle her for using a booster seat when a)her child requires one according to the law of the country she is in, and b)it is the law for a good reason- because it reduces the risk of them being killed or seriously injured in an accident. Just because YOUR child was tall enough not to use a seat at the same age as the the OP's child, or because you didn't choose to use a seat, doesn't mean you get to act all horrified that the OP's child might be smaller or she chooses to actually follow the very sensible law that is in place in her country!

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