To feel uneasy with DC getting lifts

[LoveYourHome9]

I seem to have just reached a new era of parenting that I’m just not quite feeling comfortable with and I’m not sure if I AIBU!

My DS9 is involved in various sports with a lot of his friends from school. Up until now, it was always a given that we would take and pick up to wherever and usually stay. Now it seems to be the norm with other parents to offer to carpool - with one parent saying they will pick up and another saying they are happy to drop back home etc. It seems suddenly to have happened and I’m just not sure how I feel about it!

It’s also happened twice recently where DS has been invited to a birthday event - such as going to a trampoline park - whereby the parents were asking for the boys to be dropped off and collected at their house and they would transport there and back.

I know for most this is a god send! Not having to do all the transport does in theory sound great, and there are more than a couple of kids I know whose parents will happily have anyone pick them up if it saves them a trip.

I just feel really uneasy with this! Partly it’s because I like to see my kid at the events concerned, not in some weird controlling way, just say at football, I actually like to meet the coach and sit on the side cheering him on!

The other side of it is safety. Some
of the parents I know and trust but at other times I don’t know them so well, don’t know if they have reliable safe insured cars or what the car seat situation is. On the occasions that my son has gone, I’ve asked ideas i can provide a high back booster if they don’t have a spare and they were fine with this. My son tells me he was the only one going whose parents provided a car seat

How do others feel about this? Am I overthinking this? Should I be as relaxed as some other parents seem to be?

I guess I am also worrying about my ability to offer lifts to other children. I have a decent sized car but there is only space in the back for 2 car seats (one for DS9 and DS5). There is the middle seat but I don’t think another car seat or even booster would squeeze in there. An adult can fit with a seat belt but that’s not suitable for a child.

regardless of what the law is, do people seriously think that a car seat belt, that is tested on a male dummy, is safe for a 9 year old without a booster? I don't actually know how tall my 9 year old is but I can see with my own eyes that the seat belt without a booster wouldn't be as safe as with a booster, and that for long journeys the high backed booster is way more comfortable, as well as safe.

I'm 5'2 and very aware that my own seat belt is not ideally positioned across my body to keep me safe.

Yes it should sit on the shoulder, not above near their neck. They should be able to bend their legs over the seat edge. Seat belts are made for people 145cm and over.

yep - on long journeys I often end up with the seat belt digging into my neck. Legs are OK.

No wonder we end up with nanny state laws if people make such dim decisions just because there's no law against it. Feel sorry for all these 9 year olds whose parents couldn't care less about their safety.

Thank you everyone for comments. I guess I do have anxiety about this, around the car safety aspect anyway. I can hear the anxiety in my OP so thank you to those who helpfully pointed that out.

I accept I have to let go a little and I have already let him go with a seat and have just accepted a lift for this evening.

I am in the US. For those of you who have questioned the law here, here it is:

Children are large enough to use the vehicle seat belt typically when they reach 4'9" tall and are between 8 and 12 years of age. Most children will not fit seat belts without a booster seat until 10 or 11 years of age. Children should always use lap and shoulder seat belts for optimal protection. Children younger than 13 should always ride in the back seat. Check out the Safe Kids Seat Belt Fit Test to know if your child is ready.

My child is 133cm currently so he would still need a booster seat whether in the UK and definitely here. He has only just turned 9 and is a regular height. Not a shorty, not particularly tall.

Aside from the car seat issue, my DS is very independent and I am no helicopter parent. Yes, I work, to the poster who asked. Not sure how this is relevant. When I mentioned being at games etc, I simply meant that I have on occasion had parents offer lifts to and from events that I am free and want to attend. For e.g once when we started a new team and at a new place and with a new coach. Obviously, I wanted to go then. It was kind of irrelevant and I should have just left that out.

Work is relevant because IME, SAHM found it harder to 'let go'.

OP - I certainly don't think you need to beat yourself up about being concerned about car safety.

My kids used to be taken to and from parties etc by other parents and it didn't bother me too much as I assumed they would be very careful drivers, especially with other people's kids in their cars................ my son once returned from a 17 mile trip to a McDonald's party telling me that the 2 cars had raced each other home, trying to see who could get home first

It’s not about ‘letting go’.

It’s about safety.

Then don't car pool, just take your own soon (and maybe offer to take others as well?)

That is not actually the law, that is advice from a car seat safety site. It's good advice, but the law varies according to state and in most the top age for using a booster is age 8. Some have additional weight requirements.

saferide4kids.com/car-seat-laws-by-state/

I would be concerned by parents not following the law, but I would try not to worry if they are. You can't control every interaction they have with other people, even if some of those interactions carry more risk than others. The chances of crashing on a single trip even for a terribly lax driver are still low. I would concentrate your efforts on making sure that the car he spends the most time in is as safe as possible.

Does he go to school on a school bus? Because those generally have no seatbelts at all if I understand correctly. If you feel OK about that then it's strange to fixate on the prospect of car journeys where he is presumably at least going to be wearing a seatbelt.

Agree OP, it's not about letting go, it IS about safety. Stick to your country's guidelines and find excuses if you want to - people will give up asking. These days I'm relatively chilled but I still refuse trips if I feel necessary.

He’s 9!!! He doesn’t need a car seat. You sound highly anxious. I think your time would be better spent sorting that out to be honest.

Actually he does.

Just watched that video.
OP, I don’t actually think you’re unreasonable. I’ve been asked to take an extra child in my car in the middle seat with just a lap belt (age 7) and the parents were quite annoyed when I said no. They’re good friends and they felt it was a tiny risk for a short journey. But I didn’t want to take ANY risk with ANY child.
I have put my own dc in the front with no booster but only for journeys of a few minutes in heavy city traffic. Never on roads where we might get close to 30 mph even and it’s not a regular thing.

People can be very blasé about car safety. My dc rear faced until well over age 4 and my youngest is still in a proper car seat age 5 and will be in it for some time because it fits!

I think your anxiety is pretty much spot on here. I lost a friend in a car crash and her 2 year old also died. It hit home to me.

If your DS is embarrassed about the car seat and he's too short to be without one, then don't carpool. There's plenty of time for car pooling when he's big enough to not need a car seat.

Her unhappiness was only 'partly' due to safety.