To feel uneasy with DC getting lifts

[LoveYourHome9]

I seem to have just reached a new era of parenting that I’m just not quite feeling comfortable with and I’m not sure if I AIBU!

My DS9 is involved in various sports with a lot of his friends from school. Up until now, it was always a given that we would take and pick up to wherever and usually stay. Now it seems to be the norm with other parents to offer to carpool - with one parent saying they will pick up and another saying they are happy to drop back home etc. It seems suddenly to have happened and I’m just not sure how I feel about it!

It’s also happened twice recently where DS has been invited to a birthday event - such as going to a trampoline park - whereby the parents were asking for the boys to be dropped off and collected at their house and they would transport there and back.

I know for most this is a god send! Not having to do all the transport does in theory sound great, and there are more than a couple of kids I know whose parents will happily have anyone pick them up if it saves them a trip.

I just feel really uneasy with this! Partly it’s because I like to see my kid at the events concerned, not in some weird controlling way, just say at football, I actually like to meet the coach and sit on the side cheering him on!

The other side of it is safety. Some
of the parents I know and trust but at other times I don’t know them so well, don’t know if they have reliable safe insured cars or what the car seat situation is. On the occasions that my son has gone, I’ve asked ideas i can provide a high back booster if they don’t have a spare and they were fine with this. My son tells me he was the only one going whose parents provided a car seat

How do others feel about this? Am I overthinking this? Should I be as relaxed as some other parents seem to be?

I guess I am also worrying about my ability to offer lifts to other children. I have a decent sized car but there is only space in the back for 2 car seats (one for DS9 and DS5). There is the middle seat but I don’t think another car seat or even booster would squeeze in there. An adult can fit with a seat belt but that’s not suitable for a child.

I feel exactly the same as you OP but will have to let my children have their independence. One of mine had a birthday party to attend recently and I was asked to drop her off and they’d make their own way to the venue. It’s scary!

Bit concerned about all the shock at booster seat at 9. The new rule is 135cm or 12. Mine are tall so will reach 135cm at 8 I’m sure but many children are nowhere near as tall as mine so would need to be in them a good bit longer.

Know what you mean but about 9/10 you have to start to let go a bit. The law in booster seats here allows short occasional journeys that were not preplanned to not use a seat, or where they are sat between two other seats. By the time mine were that age they were the only ones with them (both quite short) and we used until 10, then just the cushion part until 12. Rules vary around the world but few people used them when my kids were small, dd1 was already past the age when car seats were compulsory when they brought in the booster seat law so many parents ignored it (we always used one due to her size)

Only child? When you have more than one, left sharing is an absolute godsend. It makes my life so much easier.

Leaving aside the car seat issue - if it really is an issue - I think you need to unclench, op. Lift sharing is very very normal.

I am with you op on the car seat front. Mine were always on boosters until the correct height and and were also never allowed to sit in the front until the recommended age. They are grown up independent young men now.

I felt a bit the same when this stage started but I let ds go because he was happy and excited going along with his friends.

I’m not sure how a booster seat at 9 is madness some 9 year olds are tall enough some aren’t. Dd was huge, ds1 was borderline but ds2 is very short and is 9 just now no way he could come out his booster seat he’s likely to come out at 12 rather than grow out unless he has a sudden growth spurt.

Mine used to just carry her car seat with her. The others were pre law change and taller anyway. If law requires a car seat, it should be used.

Car sharing was an essential survival skill if two of the children needed to be in different places at the same time or it was to an activity an hour away. Building confidence with other adults is a good thing. Mummy shouting “Well fine Johnnie” every time he gets near the ball is probably a bit embarrassing past seven years old.

I gave a lift to three of my daughters friends a couple of weeks ago. It's 150cm here. They are 8.
One is 150cm and required no car seat
One is slightly taller than my DD, but broader needed a booster cushion.
My DD is approx 135cm (but long legged) and in. HBB
Third friend is shorter than the others, also in HBB.

Plus my 6yo. Bit of a squeeze on seats bute managed it.
But the point being there is a wide variety in heights.

(Another girl in the year is similar in height to my 6yo!)

OP has already said that she has two children, one who need a booster seat (DS aged 9) and a 5 year old who needs a full car seat. She's explained that she doesn't think a booster or another car seat will also fit in the back of the car, so isn't sure that she can contribute to lift-giving.

With 3 kids living in the sticks carpooling & liftsharing for Parties & activities a godsend. Up to about 9 I'd pass over a booster. For important matches or events one of us go to support. But you are the parent if you have the time go for it.

I missed the bit about two kids. There going to come a time when they're not happy about being dragged to each others activities too. Car pooling makes so much sense.

OP has already said that she has two children, one who need a booster seat (DS aged 9) and a 5 year old who needs a full car seat. She's explained that she doesn't think a booster or another car seat will also fit in the back of the car, so isn't sure that she can contribute to lift-giving

Ops being a tad OTT does her car not have a front seat?
Do only children without siblings take their friends anywhere? I have a shorty and a toddler in a small car. If a friend is getting a lift one of the the children goes on a booster in the front seat.

Putting the booster seat issue to one side, what sounds more like OTT anxiety is you saying that you have no idea whether these parents have “reliable insured cars”. Have some respect for other parents for goodness sake- assuming insurance is legally compulsory in your country, why on earth do you think it is possible that these parents could be driving uninsured? (If they strike you as the type who might do that then there is a whole separate issue about trusting them as people to care for your child. )

They have their own children in the car too, they are going to be just as careful about driving and safety as you would be. You need to chill out. And also think of the environment- car sharing is much better for that.

Don’t carpool then. Just say you prefer to stay and watch. Problem solved.

'Booster seats at 9 is madness'

What an odd thing to write. It's both the law for many and safer!

Op, I feel the same, but know I have to let it go. Dd always has fun in the car with her friends, 4 team mates in the car on the way home from a match is way more fun. And, they're quite possibly better drivers than me anyway. Make sure you take your turn, and you'll get used to it.

Car seat rules are there to be followed (and I was the mum that provided a car seat, so my dd was the only one seated correctly when they were stopped by police on the way to her friends party).
Lots of parents prefer to go to every football game and its good for team morale.
You don’t have to offer lifts, but you should reciprocate if you accept them from others.
Its a transition stage, go at a pace you are comfortable with.

I wouldn’t like this either, I’ve been to 3 school settling in sessions with my 4yo recently and every time a different parent put their child straight into their car (no car seat) and heavily accelerated down the street.

I don’t get it. I’d have to really know the parent and their driving style to allow this.

Ops being a tad OTT does her car not have a front seat?

Does no-one RTFT!!
OP has said where she is you cannot go in the front seat until you are 13!!

And for those saying a booster seat at 9 is ridiculous - my DD didn't reach 135cm until the summer break before she started secondary. we thought she would start secondary in her booster seat. Kids come in all sizes.

OP - I think to some extent you do need to let go a bit. Always send your DS with a booster if he is going with someone else so that there is no worry about having a spare.
If he is in an important match, of course you will want to be there to support him, but it's not necessary for every training session.
Is there no-one that could have your little one every now and again so that you could join in with the lift giving?

I am quite bothered about car seat safety in my own car but I close my eyes and hope for the best when DC travel with others. It's really such a small amount of the time they'll be in any cars, the freedom it affords them is worth relaxing the rules over. I'd send a booster cushion if possible but I also don't worry too much if the other parent doesn't want or use one. After the age of 2 the stats for deaths with a car seat vs with a seatbelt are extremely similar, according to that guy from freakonomics. I wouldn't go as far as to not use a car seat by choice, but it does put things into perspective!

Some of the parents I know and trust but at other times I don’t know them so well, don’t know if they have reliable safe insured cars or what the car seat situation is.

Seriously? I have never asked another parent for sight of their car insurance documents. or their driving licence. Or their MOT . Or their DBS check.

Booster seats need to be used until 4ft 9, typically age 11 or 12. No riding up front until 13.

I need to know where this law is.

I am happy with this and do take part in it. That said I do know all the parents at least from 5 years of school gate friendship.

Most 9 year olds in the uk are tall enough to go without a booster seat.

My ds is in a class of 30 8-9 year olds and only one girl is short enough that she still needs a booster. She’s shorter than my 7 year old.

If you don’t want to lift share, don’t do it, but your ds will miss out on independence and friendships. If you’re happy with that weighed up against the minuscule risk that the other parent is driving illegally and uninsured, that’s your call.

OP, up to you if you take part in lift shares or not.

As the parent of short children, I find the tone of some of the comments about the craziness of 9 year olds going in boosters quite unpleasant. My DD is almost 11 and still some way off 135cm. Yes, she's in a minority among her classmates, but that doesn't make her odd or me overbearing and anxious if I send her with a booster seat (and actually, leaving aside the safety risk - which I agree is minor - it's the driver who is responsible for making sure they're transporting all children properly and could theoretically get into trouble about it).

Also, the law is slightly different in different countries - in much of mainland Europe it's 150cm, which means another of my kids falls into the car-sear category. You just follow the law and I don't see that the OP is being especially anxious or overbearing by doing so.

I only say yes to parents I know well. Way too many people still text or use their phones while driving. You don't have to do anything you're not comfortable with. I'd just say 'thanks but we're making our own way'.

I can recall as a child being driven places regularly by my friends dad, my mum knew them but not well. He often drank beer while driving and looking back as an adult, was quite likely often over the limit. My mum had no idea.

In Australia the height is 4 feet 9 inches.

If it is Aus, the car seat laws here are a bit odd and vague about what is required and what is recommended.
Road safety is massive here however in a bit of a contradiction most parents don’t wait for the recommended 145cms to take kids out of boosters.

Half boosters are also no longer legal to buy so fitting three across the back of some cars is really hard. Only some cars have isofix so swapping anchored seats can also be a pain in the arse