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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be devastated my dads getting married?

56 replies

ilovecheese1 · 08/07/2019 23:25

His been with her about 3 years, never been married before not even to mine & my sisters mum. She’s obsessed with how she looks, hair extensions, nails, a boob job, face lift. You name it, she’s had it - or she wants it. She’s not interested in our kids at all (dads granddaughters) she’s obsessed with germs when we’re all quite outdoorsy. I’m just utterly devastated after he told us they’re marrying next year. I can’t decide if it’s selfish of my dad to marry someone we all dislike or if it’s selfish of us to expect him not to. She’s just literally how the intolerable step mum is portrayed in films & I love my dad 😣

OP posts:

DifficultPifcultLemonDifficult · 08/07/2019 23:32

It doesn't sound like you've made much of an effort with her either.

They have been together for 3 years, he obviously loves her.

Ywbvu to say anything negative or force him to choose. He deserves to be happy.

Finfintytint · 08/07/2019 23:36

Yes, it’s selfish of you to ignore your Dad’s feelings for this woman. He can make his own decisions presumably?

Original poster

ilovecheese1 · 08/07/2019 23:38

@DifficultPifcultLemonDifficult I tried initially. But no, for the last 2 years I would say I have actively avoided her tbh.

He deserves to be happy.

I know, I just really hope it doesn’t effect our relationship with our dad.

OP posts:

TheVanguardSix · 08/07/2019 23:39

Have you watched Fleabag, OP? It might be humorously therapeutic.

For your dad’s sake, just be kind and civil. Show interest in who she is as a person and just be nice when you see her. It’s all you can do really. I can totally imagine how upset you feel though. I’d absolutely feel the same way.

DifficultPifcultLemonDifficult · 08/07/2019 23:40

Why would she be interested in you or your dc when you've actively avoided her since they got serious? They have been together 3 years and you've avoided her for 2 of those. Your poor dad must be torn.

AnneLovesGilbert · 08/07/2019 23:43

What’s she actually done to piss you off so much? She cares about looking good and doesn’t share your interests in outdoorsy stuff. Sounds fair enough.

How much effort do you expect her to make with your kids when you’ve stayed away for 2 of the years she’s been with your dad?

Good for your dad for embracing happiness. Him not having married your mum is irrelevant and perhaps shows how much his partner means to him. She’s not going anywhere, time to get on board or risk losing your dad.

Original poster

ilovecheese1 · 08/07/2019 23:43

She showed no interest in the first year @DifficultPifcultLemonDifficult she clearly isn’t a child person & nothing I was going to do would change that.

OP posts:

Original poster

ilovecheese1 · 08/07/2019 23:44

@TheVanguardSix thank you for understanding!! I’m not a selfish arse hole - it’s just really gutting! I wish he was marrying someone we genuinely liked & who felt like part of the family.

OP posts:

Original poster

ilovecheese1 · 08/07/2019 23:46

@AnneLovesGilbert we’re just totally different in all ways. They were a few comparisons.

^time to get on board or risk losing your dad.
^

What an odd thing to say, what sort of dad would he be if that were the case?

OP posts:

NameChangeNugget · 08/07/2019 23:49

How would you feel if your Dad was having a tantrum because you were marrying someone he didn’t like?

Trying being kind to her and you never know you may grow to like her.

PickAChew · 08/07/2019 23:49

Oh, god, yes, Fleabag! You must watch it.

Tie to move to a detached adult relationship with your dad.

HeddaGarbled · 08/07/2019 23:55

Yes, yes, you are being massively unreasonable.

It’s OK to not be great friends with her, but not OK to be so hostile towards her. Your poor dad. Poor her.

All the things you say about her just describe someone who is different to you, not someone who is a bad person.

PerfectionistProcrastinator · 09/07/2019 00:01

It is tricky when you’re not keen on a parents partner. My Dad died a few years ago. My mum met her partner a few years later. My sister and I actively encouraged her to try dating and we both wanted her to be happy.

None of us are overly keen on my mums partner. And I think a lot of that is to do with how quickly he moved in with no house or money of his own and cleared out a load of my dad’s “junk” very insensitively.

People presume that my sister and I don’t like him because he is not our dad. This couldn’t be further from the truth. I came to the conclusion that I’m just not that keen on him. I find him annoying and irritating. But...my mum is happy and they enjoy their life together. He treats her well. I would never let on or show the way I feel. So long as she is happy, I am happy for her.

AnneLovesGilbert · 09/07/2019 00:02

So she hasn’t done anything to you. You just hate her because she’s not like you.

Your dad does, so try not to rain on his parade.

Yessers · 09/07/2019 00:06

I wouldn't be overjoyed if one of my parents was marrying someone I didn't like either. You just have to grin and bear it. There is nothing else you can do. She doesn't sound too bad. There are definitely worse things than being vain and not liking dirt.
And yes, I get that it would hurt that he didn't marry your mother but is marrying someone else now.

Munhu · 09/07/2019 00:11

Has she actually done anything to you or are do you just not have much in common?

What an odd thing to say, what sort of dad would he be if that were the case?

It sounds like you dislike her because she's very different to you rather than because she's treated you badly. If this is the case, he'd be the sort of dad who doesn't tolerate unpleasantness towards his wife from a bratty adult daughter. I'd keep your feelings to yourself and accept that your dad is entitled to make choices about his own life.

Parker231 · 09/07/2019 00:20

Don’t put your DF in the position of having to choose between you and his future wife. You could risk losing him altogether if you don’t work on including your future stepmother in family life.

SandyY2K · 09/07/2019 00:22

His taste in women is obviously different to what you consider attractive.

He must like the fact that she us into her appearance...which is not a bad thing.

Not everyone likes kids...as long as your dad is interested in his GC ...that should be enough.

I would suggest that you just stay polite with her and don't let your relationship with your dad suffer.

Keep him involved in your DCs lives and invite him over to your home with her...if she doesn't come...that's okay.

Just don't let your dislike for her be apparent to your dad, or it will drive a wedge between you.

Luckingfovely · 09/07/2019 01:03

You do sound quite snide about her - and also definitely seem to look down on her because she takes a lot of trouble with her appearance.

If your dad wants to marry her, he obviously loves her and is happy, and yet this is really distressing you.

At the same time, you seem to defend him (what sort of dad?) in the sense that you say he wouldn't walk away from you. And so the problem is....?

So... like others, I'm really struggling to get grips with why you don't like her. So she's not massively into kids? Okay.

I think you need to look a bit more closely at your own feelings and motivations to try and unpick your real emotions behind this post; I don't think you really know (or admit) what they are at all.

Mostly - just be a nice person to both your father and the woman he loves.

Yeahnahmum · 09/07/2019 01:14

Yabu sorry
He is happy. So let him
Her germ phobia and selfobsessedness is of no concern.
It is a petty that she doesnt care about your dads grandchildren. But fair enough.as they are his grandchildren not her. This might grow overtime. Or might not. As long as your dad loves them?

StillCoughingandLaughing · 09/07/2019 01:29

I don’t think she’s actually done anything wrong - you’re just very different with little in common. It’s a shame she’s not more interested in your children, but at the end of the day she’s not their grandmother; she has no automatic bond with them.

You say she’s like a nightmare stepmother from a film, but you don’t have to live with her; it’s not like you’re a teenager and she’ll be fulfilling any kind of parental role. Try thinking of her simply as your dad’s partner rather than your stepmother - she doesn’t need to play that role in your life. She might not be who you would have chosen, but she’s who your dad has chosen, so you’ll have to make the best of it.

Justsaynonow · 09/07/2019 02:32

It could be worse - it does seem like they have a relationship, even if you don't get along. Maybe she'll come around as the kids get older.

My dad married a woman a year younger than me who didn't speak english. He didn't speak her language. He picked her from a photo array of 5 women whom he'd briefly met, telling me he deserved to be happy. She was supposed to come on a visitor's visa, but (surprise!) apparently couldn't get one so they "needed to get married". She actively discouraged him seeing his kids and grandkids, even though we did our best to make her feel welcome at family gatherings. She encouraged him to buy luxury items. She'd had a vision of what her life would be like with a rich white man. She ended up getting her citizenship and having all his assets made joint so she would own/not need to inherit in the will - it was incontestable, if we'd chosen to go down that path. Should mention he had a heart attack just before they married, and died of cancer 2 years later. She took everything he had and finally agreed (with the encouragement of a neighbour) to let us have my grandmother's china and silver - she kept the crystal, all the other family items, the house & the investments. Not a bad return for 2 years worth of work. Needless to say we've heard nothing from her since.

I think I would have preferred your situation to mine, but who knows? It still hurts that he treated us that way. His money, and all that, but I'm disabled and we were struggling financially at the time, not to mention he'd depended on me a lot between my parents splitting and him getting together with his new wife.

newmomof1 · 09/07/2019 02:34

If your dad is happy, YABVU.

You may well find that your children choose to marry someone who doesn't like you but they'll make the effort with you regardless.

Families can be complicated and not everyone is always going to get on but you're a grown adult - it's not all about you.

yakari · 09/07/2019 03:22

I'm 25 years down this path. My stepmother and I have nothing in common except my dad, she annoys the shit out of me, but for whatever reason she makes him happy. The feeling is absolutely mutual, she doesn't particularly like me or have any desire to work it out. We're civil, make small talk - and as he's got older, discuss his health needs. But she's never going to be close and frankly once he dies I doubt we'll keep in touch. It's a bit surreal so many years down the line, but we've all sort of made peace with it.
I strongly urge you to get to a point where you can 'bump along', be friendly at family gatherings, avoid fall outs and work out how/when to spend time with your dad that doesn't necessarily have to involve her (but if it does, then it's tolerable)

HaudYerWheeshtYaWeeBellend · 09/07/2019 05:56

So you dislike her based on her appearance and not liking the outdoors

TBh I think that says more about you than it does her.

Your dad clearly loves the woman, dot cause a rift OP, as you I’m afraid will lose out, your a grown adult with children of your own.

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