To be devastated my dads getting married?

[ilovecheese1]

His been with her about 3 years, never been married before not even to mine & my sisters mum. She’s obsessed with how she looks, hair extensions, nails, a boob job, face lift. You name it, she’s had it - or she wants it. She’s not interested in our kids at all (dads granddaughters) she’s obsessed with germs when we’re all quite outdoorsy. I’m just utterly devastated after he told us they’re marrying next year. I can’t decide if it’s selfish of my dad to marry someone we all dislike or if it’s selfish of us to expect him not to. She’s just literally how the intolerable step mum is portrayed in films & I love my dad 😣

The thing is, you are never going to recreate that ‘happy family’ dream you have in your mind. You are adults with fond memories of your mother. Your stepmother cannot pretend to be a parent to you and why should she, it would be weird. She has not raised you, or had an input in your early life. She may well be respecting that by not getting overly involved.

You perhaps had your father to yourself for a little too long, too used to him still spending a lot of his time with his children. But you are adults and if he wants to spend some time with someone who makes him feel and do different things then why not?

My fathers partner is the complete opposite to my mother, she has changed my father, and he says and does things he has never done before. They have a relationship unhinded by young children so it is bound to be different to what I saw of my parents marriage when growing up.

I accept that she is different but unless she has been deliberately mean I think you need to let go, move on a little.

When my children have grown up I hope they will allow the opportunity to be a little self-indulgent and take some time for myself. They have only seen me as a parent and that a parent was perhaps a different person before children came along. People change and evolve throughout their lives, I am different to the person I was 20 years ago for sure.

I don’t know why your parents never married, maybe you should talk to your dad about it. Perhaps that will help clear things up, and ease your concerns. Do you think she is a gold digger?

Yes, YABU, and somewhat childish. Your dad is an adult and does not need your approval. She's hardly a 'wicked stepmother' is she, just because she likes taking care of her appearance? And actually, why should she be interested in your family...yes, it would be great if you all got on and enjoyed each other's company, but this isn't crucial to her relationship with your dad. It sounds like you made up your mind to dislike her without any real cause before you even really got to know her. And you're determined to have a tantrum about it. This says more about you than her really 🤷‍♀️

I get it op...i think she should make an effort with your kids. If i fell in love i'd make an effort with my partners grandkids and kids.

I really feel for you. It sounds really difficult.

But to get sympathy on this thread I think you will have to give better examples of why you don't like her. The ones you have given aren't bad enough! Although many will get it from that.

Has she been actively unkind or unwelcoming to you? Unfortunately I dont' think she has to like your child, awful though that seems.

Any partner coming into a family changes the dynamic and it can be bloody difficult. Are you able to meet up with your dad by himself without it seeming too obviously excluding?

Let him be happy.

I get you OP - and your feelings are absolutely valid. And it is upsetting when people treat your children dismissively or with disdain when they are the most important things in your life. Of course you would prefer to like your father's new wife. But there is no bond between you and there appears to be little common ground- or effort on either side. It sounds like she is cool towards you but not nasty.
However, I don't think there is much you can do about it. It would be wrong to tell your father. It would achieve nothing but ill feeling in your relationship with him.
You are an adult with your own family, so his decision affects you much less than it would do if you were a child living at home. Hard as it is, I think you have to make a conscious decision to form a better relationship with her. You don't have to live or like her, but you do need to be polite, civil and welcoming. Try and warm things up for your Dad's sake. If not, keep your feelings to yourself but keep a good relationship with your dad.

I know it's hard and I understand how you feel (got the T shirt), but I agree with others that you need to make more of an effort if you want to maintain a good relationship with your dad. I don't think her concern with her personal appearance is a reason to dislike her. I hope you managed to congratulate them on the proposed marriage, even you felt 'devastated'. You should be pleased that he has found happiness and someone he can rely on for support.

I wasn't keen on my stepmother, whom he met shortly after my mother's death - she was very insensitive and my mother was never referred to, and I felt I couldn't either. It was very sudden and it was years before I even spent any time alone with my father. They suddenly came as a 'package'. She didn't want me at their wedding, although my father insisted. She persuaded him to change his will secretly so that she inherited everything outright rather than a life interest. He did tell me eventually but not until three years later....

BUT, despite all this, it was better for him. I was worried about him on his own especially as he lived 200 hundred miles away, so it was hard for me to visit often. He had a new lease of life and 10 happy years before he died.

My advice is to pin on your nicest smile, be gracious, and try to make the best of the situation. It must be quite overwhelming for your dad's partner to be presented with adult children and grandchildren, especially if she is not used to children. The obsession with her appearance may well be a sign of insecurity as much as vanity. Just be kind and, you never know, you might come to like her.

I feel so sorry for you. It is hard when you have a family member you dislike, and perhaps especially hard when they are the partner of someone who has been 'senior' to you. It's interesting that you say you fear them losing interest in your children - I imagine, behind that, there's also a younger version of you who is scared of losing her father. Dealing with those very early fears of abandonment, so that you can move on to have a relationship with your Dad that relates you both as adults (as far as that is ever possible) will be important. I'm not saying that you are being 'childish' here - far from it - I just think that at many junctures in life we have to do a bit of growing past our previous selves, and this is probably one of them for you.

If I am honest, I dislike my MIL. She is the kind of person I would run from at a rate of mph at a party. But she is my DH's mother, and as such we need to get along. So I try really, really hard to think of her differently. I try to think of the kind things she has done, of the fact that she does love DH in her own way, of her talent as a cook, of the little things she does to substitute for showing care in more normal ways, which she can't do. I try to think that the ways in which she tries to compete or put me down are weird expressions of her love for DH - and her feeling that no-one could be good enough for him. And I try to cling to those things, and to keep them in mind so that she doesn't become demonised in my head by the bad things she does, so it doesn't become black/white, good/bad. Forcing myself to put aside the ways in which she is often rude or hurtful and to focus on the nice stuff keeps everything human, messy, and complex - and stops it being a 'her' versus 'me' thing. It doesn't mean that I overlook the ways in which she behaves negatively - but I don't let them become my total picture of her, if that makes sense. I think something similar might work for you with this woman! She is bound to have some nice qualities that you can cling to in a similar way.

can’t decide if it’s selfish of my dad to marry someone we all dislike
OP, kindly, you are the one being selfish.

Step mothers are up against millennia of anti-stepmother propaganda. It’s in our collective psyche to distrust a second wife. Especially if you are the offspring of the remarrying father. Very easy to cast ourselves as Cinderella

I’m a step mum although my DHs 4 DCs were younger than you are when we got together.

Two of my DSCs actively dislike me and the eldest is coolly polite. (The youngest is fine with me). I wasn’t the OW, I’ve emotionally and financially supported them for years and most of all I’m guilty of loving their father.

I’ve often wondered if I’d been less involved whether things might have been different- but I suspect that it wouldn’t have made any difference what I did.

All I can suggest is you try to spend time with your DFs fiancée- perhaps without your DCs - and actually get to know her as a person in her own right. If there is still no connection just accept that she is now another person who loves your DF and she will be helpful to have around if he becomes ill or frail in old age.

My DF has been with my DSM for over 20 years. Took a good 10 years or more for us to form a decent relationship, and it was a long hard path of give and take from both sides. My bond with both of them now is stronger than ever. It's still a case of picking your battles (I give in a lot easier) but as long as my DF if happy then that's all that matters.

Give it time. Easier said than done but don't destroy his happiness for your own.

If you carry on with this position of 'his relationship is wrong' you'll all lose. Soften yourself up and and allow a new relationship to form based on who they are instead of what you think it should be.

I have to ask, are you worried about inheritance?

Unless the relationship is abusive then sadly you need to stand back and make the best of it. It's unreasonable to expect your DH not to marry someone because you don't like her and don't have much in common with her.

If SM isn't interested in your children it's a shame but it's hardly a crime not to like spending time with children.

You really need to be polite and kind to SM for the sake of your relationship with your DF. Maybe you can find opportunities to spend time with just DF alone?

1. She doesn't have to be involved with your kids. They aren't her grandchildren and if anything she might have been trying not to overstep as a partner of less than a year. Or she might just not like kids. It's allowed.

2. 'We are outdoorsy' makes you sound possessive over your family. You have decided what you are all into, anyone different doesn't 'fit in'. You're also inserting yourself into your father's relationship - it doesn't matter at all what YOU are like. Plenty of people are happy with a partner who doesn't share their every interest.

3. I absolutely hated my stepmother who didn't seem to match with my Dad at all and I found absolutely horrid, but after 25 years I've accepted that I was wrong and they are a good partnership.

It sounds like you want your dad to be in a relationship with essentially an older version of yourself, which is very odd. Maybe he likes the fact that she has different interests to that of his family?

Honestly I think you sound incredibly shallow which is tragic given you are trying to paint her as such.

Unless she tries to ostracise him from the family then yes you are being massively unreasonable and incredibly nasty.

My friends widowed Father has a GF, he didn’t date anyone for ten years after his wife’s death. My friend is being an absolute arse about it. To be honest I think she is worried they will marry and she will lose her inheritance.

You think he’s selfish because he wants to be happy? Wow
She likes to look after her appearance, what is wrong with that? A lot of people do.
Maybe he’s not really an outdoorsy person and just does it for you lot. Not everyone has the same interests even in families.
I suspect if she was involved in your children in that first year you would be accusing her of overstepping. She also may not like children, not everyone does and there’s nothing wrong with that.

You need to grow up and stop being selfish.

I do get it OP, I have a similar situation in that my widowed father starting seeing someone shortly after my mum's death. They have now been together about 6 years, but they do not live together or (as far as I know) have plans to marry.

It's very easy for those who have never been in that situation to think of the daughter as being petty or selfish for the sake of it (I admit I had similar opinions of others until I unexpectedly found myself in that situation), but the reality is that it's a shock, and it can be very upsetting to see your dad in a relationship with someone who you just cannot get on with, especially when you never even considered that they would have another relationship other than your mum.

My father's girlfriend is nothing like my mum, the polar opposite in looks, values, interests. Whilst not abusive she is quite controlling and possessive and does things a lot of things that irritate me (for example making my dad leave my wedding at 8pm as she doesn't like parties but wouldn't go back to the hotel room on her own either - I could hear her trying to make him leave as soon as the meal had finished at 6!).

Unfortunately my dad has picked up on the fact that my brother and I are not keen, and I can see that this results in him trying to segregate his life. I don't want him to have to feel awkward and tie himself in knots about this. So we try to be as civil and polite as we can when in her company, and make sure she is also invited to meals out etc. And to be honest the more time we spend with her the easier it gets.

My main concern is that my dad is as happy as he can be, even if it causes me discomfort - and if faking my feelings towards his partner takes some worry from him, then I think that's the best course of action. And may work for you too.

How would you have reacted if your parents had told you they disliked your DH before you married/cohabited/had kids with him? Would it have made a difference to your feelings for him, and if so, how? Would you have been upset and frustrated with them, or seen it from their point of view?

Yanbu to feel as you do, but for your father's sake you have to be pleased that he's happy and do your best to hide your feelings.

It's natural for him to pull away from you all a little bit. It doesn't mean he doesn't love you all or isn't interested anymore. Before he met her you were the focus of his life. The bits that made his life worthwhile. Now he's been fortunate enough to find something else that also makes him happy. There is room for you all but obviously you won't get quite as much from him - as it should be.

As others have said. Demand too much and you'll push him away. Don't make him choose.

I know some people who are widows that have not found new partners. The alternative is loneliness
Not everyone has lots of friends
I would not wish loneliness on anyone

I know some people who are widows that have not found new partners.

Just to point out, as this is a very sensitive area, the OP has not said her mother has died. There are a few posts assuming this is the case and it may not be.

Its selfish to not allow your dad happiness

If you loved your father, you'd be happy that he has found happiness.

Utterly devastated? I mean this kindly OP but you need to get a grip. He loves her, yes she’s very different to you but that’s just life.