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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To feel really pissed off and let down

80 replies

Pinkerbells · 08/07/2019 19:09

Apologises if this is long winded, I'm very hormonal and heavily pregnant and I don't think I am being unreasonable but it's hard to tell in the state I'm in, I'll try not to drop feed. Here goes.....

My best friend (Lets call her sue) and I have known each other for over 13 years. We worked together for most of that and I have always found she is the person I can talk to and confine in. About 2 years ago, we both left that particular job, and even though we no longer worked together, we spoke and met up all the time. She was like a second sister to be and she always says she feels the same. Over the last year, our contact has slowed down a bit but we are still there when we really need each other, and we pick up where we left off IYSWIM.
late last year, I discovered I was pregnant. Completely unplanned as my DP has had chemo so you can imagine the shock, plus I have a teenager from a previous relationship, and DP has taken the role of step dad wonderfully.
After telling my DP and DD, Sue was the next person I had to tell, and I also really wanted her as my birth partner as she is the level headed person you really need in labour, and I really wanted her to be apart of it. She was over the moon, said yes straight away and has generally been very excited about the entire thing. Over the last few months, we seem to have had less and less contact, she has been going through quite a few problems which I have tried to support her with but throughout it all, she has a ring the baby being born is going to 've amazing etc.
Jump forward a few months and I have such severe PGP and other health issues, my obstetrician has decided to induce me. The date I have been given is only 3 days before my due date, but they don't want me to go too far over. I was given tomorrow as a date 2 weeks ago, told sue and she was even more excited. Since then I have a wreck worrying about the logistics etc as the hospital is a good 45 minutes away.( I have been put under the peri mental team as my anxiety and depression has spiralled) but I wasn't concerned as I knew I could rely on sue, (My DP doesn't drive, and a taxi is about £50.). We were supposed to meet up at the weekend to chat about arrangements etc, but she went radio silent until 1am this morning, so rather than chat with her, I had to message her the plans. I then asked her if she was still ok to drive, to be met with silence again. Didn't know what to think, until 3 this afternoon when she announced she didn't know if she would have the car, as her DH might need it.!!!!!! I have no fucking idea how she was planning to get to the hospital tomorrow if labour was kick started early, and I'm now panicking and back to stage one.

My AIBU is this, should I tell her just not to fucking bother, and drive in myself (only other option) and ruin a long friendship or should I just maintain a silence and just let her get on with it in the knowlege she probably isn't going to be there.
Sorry for the long rant, hope it makes sense

OP posts:
MediocreOmens · 08/07/2019 19:31

Did Sue know she was expected to drive you to the hospital?

It's not clear from your OP but I sounds like Sue just didn't expect to drive. You are asking a lot from a friend to be honest. I appreciate that this a difficult time for you but I think you need to cut Sue some slack.

Sagradafamiliar · 08/07/2019 19:36

Can I gently suggest that you may be expecting quite a lot more from Sue than she can reasonably offer? The driving, the hospital location, the anxiety, the taxi cost ect, are not her fault nor responsibility to fix. I'm sure she can still play her role and that you don't really want to alienate yourself over this at this time.
All that said, best of luck and congratulations Thanks

DoneLikeAKipper · 08/07/2019 19:36

In all honesty, I think you’ve put way too much on one friend for such a momentous thing. It’s very easy to say yes months beforehand when it’s not ‘real’, sounds like she very much regrets it now. This is something for you and your partner to arrange, yabu to be disappointed by your friend - you should have had plan B (and C and D) long preplanned.

Kel801 · 08/07/2019 19:38

I agree with PP if I was asked to be birthing partner I wouldn’t also expect to drive them to hospital. She might just be feeling a bit put on . Probably best to get yourself their and meet her there. No reason you can’t drive to a planned induction and it doesn’t seem worth losing her as a birthing partner over

IceCreamAndCandyfloss · 08/07/2019 19:38

She’s going through her own issues and you can either drive yourself to the induction or get a taxi. It’s not worth losing a long term friendship over. Surely the most important people there are you and DP.

Maybe she was just making the right noises re your pregnancy like people do.

Kel801 · 08/07/2019 19:39

* get yourself there

AnyFucker · 08/07/2019 19:39

I don't really follow

Why is your partner not going to, and never was, going to be at the birth of his child ?

georgialondon · 08/07/2019 19:39

It does sound like you've just assumed she'd drive you there rather than asking her at the beginning.

EtonM3ss · 08/07/2019 19:41

She doesnt want to do it. Have you got anyone else?

DifficultPifcultLemonDifficult · 08/07/2019 19:42

She was in a different place when this was arranged by the sound of it. She has her own stuff going on and you're expecting an awful lot.

I would aim to get a taxi, if you still want her there let her know you're going to get induced and say you'll let her know when you're in active labour. Induction can take forever and she probably won't be able to hang around for a whole day or 2.

Good luck Flowers

AuntieMaggie · 08/07/2019 19:43

Also induction can take days so even if you go in tomorrow you might not give birth until Weds or Thurs - are you expecting her to stay with you all that time?

Butchyrestingface · 08/07/2019 19:43

Had you actually asked her to drive you or did you just assume?

Twickerhun · 08/07/2019 19:43

It sounds like you need to set more realistic expectations on friends. Being a birthing partner is your DPs role or at a push your mother /sister/ aunts role. Getting yourself to hospital is something you also need a back up plan for.

Sirzy · 08/07/2019 19:43

So you assumed she would drive without checking ages ago? In the nicest way you are being unreasonable

codenameduchess · 08/07/2019 19:44

Why isn't your partner, the child's father, not going to be there?

You are asking an awful lot of a friend, why can't you drive and pick her up? If your partner doesn't drive he won't need the car and presumably Sues does (or might) need their car. It's not a difficult one to fix really and sue could then drive your car home after of you stay in hospital over night.

YWBU to throw away a friendship over this when actually Sue has been incredibly supportive. I'm considering asking my mum to potentially be my birth partner and feel like that's too big of an ask... and thats my mother.

EyesOpenWide · 08/07/2019 19:45

Where does your DP feature in all this?

How were you planning on getting to hospital if Sue wasn’t available?

Sounds like Sue is going through her own stuff and perhaps your expectations are just too much - hence the radio silence.

Yes, you would be very unreasonable to tell her just not to fucking bother.

AnyFucker · 08/07/2019 19:46

When I was induced it took me 3 days to give birth

Buttons4me · 08/07/2019 19:48

Yabu sue doesn't want to do it now.

FertilitySchmertility · 08/07/2019 19:48

Sue sounds absolutely lovely.

A newborn puts a strain on friendships. You need to be in a strong place her now to whether that storm. Remember, she’s a friend, not a sister: there are some things it’s unreasonable to expect.

I too am wondering why the onus is on her to use her car. Hospital parking is extortionate and you’ll be there days and it doesn’t sound like her DH can go without their car for that long.

sneakypinky · 08/07/2019 19:49

An induction could take 3-4 days. Did you mean for her to be there the whole time? Surely she would just come towards the end once you were in active labour?

It's a lot to ask for someone to be there from the start.

FertilitySchmertility · 08/07/2019 19:50

Hmm. Now that I know DP doesn’t drive, I’m wondering if Sue is feeling a little bit used.

sneakypinky · 08/07/2019 19:50

Also hospital parking for several days could easily be more than £50.

Were you going to pay the parking?

CalmFizz · 08/07/2019 19:52

Where’s the father in all of this?

Cyberworrier · 08/07/2019 19:53

I know you say your partner can’t drive, but I think I may have missed why you don’t want him to be there with you? Or did you want her to drive you both?
Perhaps asking her to drive you both would be a reasonable ask if she lives nearby. If you’re not in touch that much anymore then you really may not know what she has going on in her own life at the moment- you may have asked for more than she’s able to give and she hasn’t felt able to communicate that to you.

Gazelda · 08/07/2019 19:54

Could you drive yourself comfortably? Take DP with you in the car. Then ask Sue to meet you at the hospital once your contractions have started?