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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To feel really pissed off and let down

80 replies

Pinkerbells · 08/07/2019 19:09

Apologises if this is long winded, I'm very hormonal and heavily pregnant and I don't think I am being unreasonable but it's hard to tell in the state I'm in, I'll try not to drop feed. Here goes.....

My best friend (Lets call her sue) and I have known each other for over 13 years. We worked together for most of that and I have always found she is the person I can talk to and confine in. About 2 years ago, we both left that particular job, and even though we no longer worked together, we spoke and met up all the time. She was like a second sister to be and she always says she feels the same. Over the last year, our contact has slowed down a bit but we are still there when we really need each other, and we pick up where we left off IYSWIM.
late last year, I discovered I was pregnant. Completely unplanned as my DP has had chemo so you can imagine the shock, plus I have a teenager from a previous relationship, and DP has taken the role of step dad wonderfully.
After telling my DP and DD, Sue was the next person I had to tell, and I also really wanted her as my birth partner as she is the level headed person you really need in labour, and I really wanted her to be apart of it. She was over the moon, said yes straight away and has generally been very excited about the entire thing. Over the last few months, we seem to have had less and less contact, she has been going through quite a few problems which I have tried to support her with but throughout it all, she has a ring the baby being born is going to 've amazing etc.
Jump forward a few months and I have such severe PGP and other health issues, my obstetrician has decided to induce me. The date I have been given is only 3 days before my due date, but they don't want me to go too far over. I was given tomorrow as a date 2 weeks ago, told sue and she was even more excited. Since then I have a wreck worrying about the logistics etc as the hospital is a good 45 minutes away.( I have been put under the peri mental team as my anxiety and depression has spiralled) but I wasn't concerned as I knew I could rely on sue, (My DP doesn't drive, and a taxi is about £50.). We were supposed to meet up at the weekend to chat about arrangements etc, but she went radio silent until 1am this morning, so rather than chat with her, I had to message her the plans. I then asked her if she was still ok to drive, to be met with silence again. Didn't know what to think, until 3 this afternoon when she announced she didn't know if she would have the car, as her DH might need it.!!!!!! I have no fucking idea how she was planning to get to the hospital tomorrow if labour was kick started early, and I'm now panicking and back to stage one.

My AIBU is this, should I tell her just not to fucking bother, and drive in myself (only other option) and ruin a long friendship or should I just maintain a silence and just let her get on with it in the knowlege she probably isn't going to be there.
Sorry for the long rant, hope it makes sense

OP posts:

Merryoldgoat · 08/07/2019 19:55

You sound like you have unrealistic expectations of your friendship and you should think about how much you’re asking of her.

SavageBeauty73 · 08/07/2019 19:55

Why isn't your partner taking you? I have no idea why you are pissed off with Sue?

Hope it goes well.

IncrediblySadToo · 08/07/2019 19:55

Prople on MN always seem to have very shallow friendships. I don’t have a huge social circle but my closest friends and I are are closer than family, we’d do anything for each other. My best friends would be camped out here now if I was in your situation though I wouldn’t be as I’d want my DH to be my birthing partner

YUNBU to be feeling let down. But you need to talk to her to see what her plans actually are and then arrange whatever additional support you need

Best if luck hope it all goes well fir you and your baby 🌷🌷

AnyFucker · 08/07/2019 19:56

Gawd, men that can't drive. Meh.

Ohdearthefootball · 08/07/2019 19:58

Worried about taking time off work maybe?

bluebeck · 08/07/2019 19:59

How does your DH feel about your friend being your birth partner? Is he not even going to be there?

I agree with PP you are asking an awful lot of someone who is going through their own shit.

sneakypinky · 08/07/2019 20:00

If they share a car I don't think it's reasonable to expect him to have no car for several days. Can she even book indeterminate periods off work?

GinasGirl · 08/07/2019 20:02

You're really good friends from the sound of it so try not to feel let down and cross, it's likely she's not doing this to upset you, just that logistically it doesn't work out for her family. If her OH needs their car they can't have it gone for possibly 3 days. Could you take your car there seeing as your partner doesn't drive and won't be needing it?

imsuchagrump · 08/07/2019 20:02

Correct me if I'm wrong you want Sue to be a birthing partner as well as your dh but your dh doesn't drive so you want sue to drive you ? .
Like someone else has said and it's happened to me it can take a while. My dh went home then came back as I was induced but dc wasn't born till next day , so may be a bit pointless for Sue to be there and dh may also be sent home.
But I get that your annoyed that she's not being upfront with you . I'd arrange to get yourself there your dh will be fine the less people the better at the birth.

BumbleBeee69 · 08/07/2019 20:03

Sorry OP I agree with the other comments suggesting you've expected to much of Sue, particularly with her going through stuff herself too. Good luck with your being induced OP

Belenus · 08/07/2019 20:04

You don't say much about Sue's situation, which may be because it's not your info to share. A few years ago when I was coming to terms with the fact that I was probably never going to have children, a friend of mine got pregnant. She would frequently phone me up and chat about her pregnancy. I went through it all, talking cheerfully (I hope) listening to her woes, and her hopes, and being as supportive as I could be. She probably has no idea how difficult I found this. Had she asked me to be her birthing partner I might have lost the plot a little bit.

All of which I say just to illustrate that however close you are, Sue has her own stuff going on. However supportive she's trying to be she may well find this difficult. Cut her some slack. Drive to the hospital. Maintain the friendship.

Brewtime · 08/07/2019 20:04

Is there any reason can’t drive yourself,your dh , and your friend can meet you there.
I would happily ask a friend to be my birth partner but wouldn’t expect a lift. Your not going to be in active labour and you’ve said yourself you can drive in if theirs no option
You seem quite hostile towards your friend while your dh is twiddling his thumbs at home

MyNewBearTotoro · 08/07/2019 20:05

I agree your expectations of your friend are too high and you can’t necessarilly expect her and her husband to drop everything and rearrange their lives to ensure she has availability to the car and can be with you. Does she not work? And won’t your partner be there at the birth anyway?

Obviously if your friend is able to help that’s great, but it shouldn’t be an expectation and it sounds like she’s got other things going on and you’re asking too much of her right now.

Snowy81 · 08/07/2019 20:07

I agree with what others have previously said.

ButtonMoonLoon · 08/07/2019 20:08

What’s important to you-having a birth partner or a driver?
Because it sounds as though expecting both from Sue isn’t really fair on her at all. Being a birthing partner isn’t easy at all, I’ve done it, and trust me when I say it’s not for the faint-hearted. Throw a 45 minute drive and fussing around with parking into the mix when you’re trying to support someone and that’s quite a heavy load tbh.
I think even asking someone to drive you 45 minutes away is a big ask.
Given that you won’t aftually be in labour when travelling in, is there not a bus that you can get?

ButtonMoonLoon · 08/07/2019 20:09

Also....have you figured in the cost of parking, as I’m sure you wouldn’t expect her to cover that would you?
Labour can take days. Depending on the hospital and area, the cost of parking may well not be dissimilar to a taxi fare tbh!

BlueMerchant · 08/07/2019 20:12

I think Sue feels a bit overwhelmed especially as she is having her own problems. The silence tells me Sue doesn't want to let you down but really is having problems committing to your plans.

PonderingPanda · 08/07/2019 20:12

How have you been getting to the hospital for your appointments? Gather you have driven?

Do you live out in the sticks to be so far away? How did you intend to get there if you'd gone into spontaneous labour?

How are you getting home again or had you assumed Sue again?

7sausagedoggys · 08/07/2019 20:13

Ummm I feel like you're being a little unreasonable, sorry x

AyBeeCee10 · 08/07/2019 20:15

Have to agree with everyone else. It seems like she is your partner than your actual dp. If he cant drive you then the least he could do is ensure his own dp who is about to give birth gets there!! Too much for Sue.

Chocolateychocolate · 08/07/2019 20:15

Where's the op gone?

Why can't you or your partner drive?

Mrsmadevans · 08/07/2019 20:16

I think you may have been a little unwell and your friend can't help you , especially if she has been having major problems of her own. I would let her know you understand if she can't be there for you and get someone else to be your birth partner , namely your DP the baby Daddy.

NoParticularPattern · 08/07/2019 20:16

I think you’re expecting an awful lot of Sue in the circumstances. There’s a massive difference between agreeing to be a birth partner and being called when it is all kicking off than being expected to be there from the moment they start inducing you presumably until birth? I had a pretty speedy induction but 24 hours in the same hospital was a lot to cope with and I was the one doing the giving birth! Induction has the potential to go on for days and days so I think you’re probably being a little bit unreasonable to expect her there start to finish. As for the car thing I don’t quite understand why you don’t have a plan B? Me and my DH both drive so that’s our plan A, failing that I’d be asking SIL to drive us, then MIL, then I’d ask my mum to come to us and get us, then I’d be booking a taxi. All this is worked out around childcare too so lots of possibilities depending on time of day, cars being available, no disasters etc etc. I couldn’t cope with the idea of only having one plan and no option to work it out another way. Cars break down, people are unavailable. It happens. You should absolutely have had a plan that means you can get yourself sorted without anyone else needing to be there if that became absolutely necessary.

I know you’re very pregnant and very hormonal (so am I!!) but I think the long and the short of it is that you’ve allowed yourself to use sue as a crutch in this situation and haven’t really considered the possibility that she might not want to or potentially might not be available. I think you really need to remember that the only one who NEEDS to be there whilst you give birth is you. If for some reason the earth dropped to bits tomorrow and neither sue nor your DH could be there, you’d still need to work out a plan. Clearly that’s not going to happen, but you really should plan for every eventuality to avoid situations where you feel let down before anything has even happened.

Chocolateychocolate · 08/07/2019 20:18

anyfucker - meh, men who can't drive

What's that all about? Is it worse than women who can't drive? Agree, it's annoying when someone can't drive and they rely on others for lifts.

DuMondeB · 08/07/2019 20:18

My best friend and birth partner went to Glastonbury and turned up a day late.
We’re still friends 19 years later.

Induction can take days so it’s not realistic to expect a friend to be with you the whole time, can she join you once labour gets going?

Is there a hospital transport service you can use?

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