Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is there a chance he didn’t cheat?

64 replies

Anychance123 · 07/07/2019 10:04

I just wondered what people think the chances are that dp didn’t cheat? We have been together 6 years and a week after a night out dp tells me he has herpes. He swears on dc lives he hasn’t cheated and it must have been ‘dormant’ for years. I want to believe him but it’s just not looking promising is it. Obviously I will see a doctor but from the info I have found online it looks like it normally comes out within this time frame, not years later. Aibu to think he has definitely cheated?

OP posts:
Grumpos · 07/07/2019 10:10

That’s a hard one because it is a virus which can be dormant and then have an outbreak due to lowered immune system so like when you’re very stressed or had flu or something.
Also there are variations dependant on how you caught it - oral sex / full sex.

The thing is would the virus show within a week? And has he been to the clinic and had it all confirmed before he’s told you or is he googling and saying that’s what it must be? As if he’s already been to the clinic then it must have shown up really bloody quickly.

I don’t think it’s impossible that he’s had it a while but I agree i would be suspicious too.

Go to the clinic and ask questions to the professionals in terms of how quickly it shows, stages etc. Don’t google because you’ll get tons of conflicting information.

Good luck

Grumpos · 07/07/2019 10:13

Sorry I also meant to say I know someone who had the virus and the first outbreak she was in a relationship with someone who didn’t have the virus and hadn’t slept with someone else for a while (few months) so it would appear that on that occasion it did not show immediately

Original poster
Anychance123 · 07/07/2019 10:16

Thank you for the reply. Yes he has been to the clinic, it’s been confirmed and he was told he had to tell me. It’s just bizarre timing after his night out, it was 10 days ago actually.

OP posts:
Fucksandflowers · 07/07/2019 10:21

I think this is one where you'll never know for sure and will have to choose whether to believe your DH or not.
He may have cheated but equally, herpes is a disease that can lie dormant with no symptoms for years.

Moondancer73 · 07/07/2019 10:23

Hmm. I've been in your situation and I have to say I'd doubt him, I find it too much of a coincidence. Can you ring the clinic and ask to speak to them for advise? Ultimately you have to go with your instincts.

justsomebodyox · 07/07/2019 10:24

Did he tell you he was going to the clinic? If he went without mentioning anything I would personally wonder why he was being sneaky about going if he hadn't cheated and also if he's not cheated why would he go straight to the sexual health clinic, wouldn't you go the doctors? I wouldn't even assume it's a STI if I'd been with someone 6 years and all of a sudden had symptoms.

notapizzaeater · 07/07/2019 10:25

It's a quick turnaround - to get an outbreak, go to clinic the. Have to tell you. If I thought something was wrong unless I was feeling guilty I would have told my partner

Hermagsjesty · 07/07/2019 10:30

Did he go specific to a STD clinic not the GP? Because that would ring alarm bells for me. If he’s only slept with you for 6yrs why would be automatically assume it was sexually transmitted? Did he mention the symptoms he was experiencing to you before being seen? If not, I’d again be concerned because why wouldn’t he unless he was hiding something? Ultimately though, you have to trust your own instincts.

Ponoka7 · 07/07/2019 10:31

Ask the doctor when you go.

They'll have upto date information and be able to advise you.

GruciusMalfoy · 07/07/2019 10:35

Did he go and get it looked at without mentioning it to you? How he went about it would say more to me than just being on a night out around the time he may have caught it.

If he was open and said to you "I've noticed something, I'm going to go and get it looked at" then I'd be inclined to trust him more than if he did it on the quiet.

Original poster
Anychance123 · 07/07/2019 10:36

Well he said he went to the doctors, but a friend told me only an std clinic can diagnose, so maybe he lied and went there? That’s what I find dodgy, why was his thought to go there first, which I think he must have done. He didn’t mention anything to be until after the diagnosis, just that he felt ill. I want to believe him but it’s a huge coincidence.

OP posts:
Fucksandflowers · 07/07/2019 10:39

My gut instinct probably would be cheating but I feel I have to stick up for the guy on a few points being made here...

I don't know about OPs area but round here it's seriously difficult to get a doctors appointment.

If I had something unusual crop up on the 'intimate' area I would try the sexual health clinic first because it's in that area, you will be seen that day, some STIs can lie dormant then suddenly reveal themselves and I would be worried that possibly I could have picked up something from my partner cheating on me.

So I don't think visiting sexual health rather than the GP a an admission of guilt.

Secondly, I wouldn't tell my partner either.
I'd be too scared and embarrassed and would silently go to the clinic, see what it was then tell DH.

So I don't think visiting the clinic without telling OL I said an admission of guilt either personally.

Meanmate · 07/07/2019 10:40

Sufferer here from horrible cheating partner when young. I went to Gp because I thought it was bad thrush - itches like mad before any other symptoms - couldn’t possibly have thought it was an STD, such that my first port of call would have been a specialist clinic.

The likelihood of its lying dormant before any break out is so slim. The first outbreak is the most severe and usually comes out very quickly. It is quite dreadful. It isn’t something you can miss, trust me. And nothing lies dormant until after the first outbreak. And you can’t get it off towels/loo seats etc. The virus isnt that stable, it’s direct skin to skin only.

And STD clinic not doc? Two scenarios. He’s cheated. Or he lied to you about having a dormant disease when you met (possible but is it likely?). Either way it’s a deal breaker for me. I have had to tell each and every partner, before thinking of sleeping with them. It’s difficult but essential. Certainly separated the wheat from the chaff for me.

I’m so sorry for you. You must address it directly with him. You’ll see it in his eyes. I did. Trust your gut.

DO NOT SLEEP WITH HIM. you can’t trust him to keep you safe.

QuickRedFox · 07/07/2019 10:42

If he knew that he hadn’t cheated wouldn’t he at least be wondering if you had?

Meanmate · 07/07/2019 10:44

A GP can diagnose, that’s rubbish. But they recommend attending clinic because they are experts and provide expert advice and guidance and continual support including counselling after diagnosis. But... if I had an itchy cock, I’d say ‘god my cock is itchy, will you have a look?’ Or ‘i might go to the doc as it’s itchy and red’ or ‘fuck there’s sores on my cock - what have you been using on your vag?!’ Or similar. I certainly wouldn’t go to the doctors and come back with s diagnosis before mentioning to my partner. There is your guilt right there.

Meanmate · 07/07/2019 10:45

Quick red fox has hit the nail on the head.

Original poster
Anychance123 · 07/07/2019 10:50

Exactly, that’s it, I would have mentioned it ‘I’m going to the doctors, what on earth is this?!’ Not on the sly. He asked if I could have given it to him from years ago but I’ve never had any symptoms and my last partner before him was years ago. I’ll never know for sure will I.

OP posts:
Spaceprincess · 07/07/2019 11:08

First outbreak is the worst and usually comes soon after transmission.
A GP can diagnose it, they swab it, send it off and can tell you if its type 1 (oral cold sore type) or 2 (genital type) although you can get either type on mouth/genitals.
Technically he could have already been carrying it, cos loads of people do have herpes viruses, but I think hes been up to something from what you have posted. Sorry x

Kahlua4me · 07/07/2019 11:09

I had my first attack several years ago. By that time I had been married for 10 years and trusted dh. I was really ill so he knew from the start how much pain I was in.

Initially my mum took me to the gp as I thought it was thrush or uti and gp diagnosed there and then. She also sent swab off which confirmed it. Mum was great and immediately said that it was lucky I was married to dh as knew he wouldn’t cheat. It was embarrassing discussing my sex life in front of mum but was in so much pain I didn’t care too much!

Mine was transferred from a cold sore that dh had as naively we didn’t know that it could be transferred through oral sex! Since then I have only had one outbreak, and that was earlier this year so it can stay dormant for years.

Hope your dh feels better soon. It may be that you will never know whether he has cheated or not, time will tell I guess, but have a good lol at your relationship and decide if you trust him..

Ponoka7 · 07/07/2019 11:10

Have you had sex with him since the night out?

Tiredtessy · 07/07/2019 11:10

My friend was told she had herpes when she was younger and always believed she carried it, however years later she had a blood test only to find out she didn’t have it, so she never new what’s the horrible problem was years ago. Has he had a blood test?

Ponoka7 · 07/07/2019 11:13

Tje reason i asked was because if you are clear, then he's cheated.

But given he didn't mention symptoms and now he's doing a classic "it could have come from you". I'd say he's cheated.

peaceand · 07/07/2019 11:15

My dp tells me when he has a dicky belly and has has liquid arse, so in my opinion if he hadn't had any symptoms before that he had mentioned it sounds more like the OW told him and he went and checked and had to tell you.
Now I know people don't share as much as my dp, but you would of noticed something before, he moaning or noticing something that made him concerned.

It can lay dormant but that's a good excuse.

Tallgreenbottle · 07/07/2019 11:17

It wouldnt really show a week after exposure anyway OP, maybe 10-14 days and few people have outbreaks even after contracting it. So it probably has been dormant. And tbh you probably have it anyway. Like 9.999999 people out of 10 have it, and those that don't are most likely virgins.

But only you know, deep down, if he's cheated or not.

mummmy2017 · 07/07/2019 11:18

As him if you can go to the doctor's with him, if he had it in the pass it will be on this notes

Swipe left for the next trending thread