Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3

Original poster

Is there a chance he didn’t cheat?

64 replies

Anychance123 · 07/07/2019 10:04

I just wondered what people think the chances are that dp didn’t cheat? We have been together 6 years and a week after a night out dp tells me he has herpes. He swears on dc lives he hasn’t cheated and it must have been ‘dormant’ for years. I want to believe him but it’s just not looking promising is it. Obviously I will see a doctor but from the info I have found online it looks like it normally comes out within this time frame, not years later. Aibu to think he has definitely cheated?

OP posts:

sodonesooverit · 07/07/2019 11:24

Genital herpes can appear as soon as 4 days after infection. The initial attack is likely to be severe - have you seen it? A recurrence after having been dormant (supposedly) for many many years would be mild. If he says he has felt unwell, it's likely to be an initial outbreak and therefore contracted on his night out

Theworldcouldbemymollusc · 07/07/2019 11:25

Op - there is something odd here whether he cheated or not. I would expect a partner to have told me he had heroes before we had children together and spent 6 years in a sexual relationship. Did he do that? If he did then fair enough. If he has never mentioned it before then either 1. He has deceived you by keeping this secret all this time. Not good or

He has cheated and recently got herpes. Also not good.

Either way I would be questioning our future.

hadthesnip2 · 07/07/2019 11:38

Did you know he had herpes from before you met him ?? If not that's the first red flag. Lots of people have it lying dormant but if they know about it then its imperative that they let their partner know.

I also think he most likely caught it recently otherwise he would have mentioned that he thought it had flared up or asked your opinion on what it was - not just go & get it checked out without saying anything to you. At the very least you have issues in your relationship around discussing & talking about things.

Justathinslice · 07/07/2019 11:54

Yep.... if he knew he had it, why didn't he tell you?
If that's the case, then it would be in his GP notes. I would want to see them.

If he didn't know he had it, and it appeared, and he knew he didn't cheat, wouldn't he be asking if you had?

Talk to a GP, get tested, and go from there....

Good luck OP

Chickenwing · 07/07/2019 11:56

Do you get coldsore OP? Of you have a coldsore and give your partner oral sex they can get herpes.

I'd give him the benefit of the doubt unless he was acting cagey and didnt tell you he was going to the doctors.

FutureMrsD · 07/07/2019 12:09

Well if its genital herpes and he has only very recently caught it then surely must have cheated?
Sorry OP not much help but that’s the first thought that sprung to mind

Pinktinker · 07/07/2019 12:16

Impossible to tell because it very much can lay dormant for many years. Triggers are unknown but stress can be a contributing factor. It’s 100% possible to contract the virus but never have symptoms at all, it’s thought that most people in the world carry the herpes virus in either oral or genital form.

Do you have any other reason to believe he may have cheated?

needanappp · 07/07/2019 12:16

Even when the virus is dormant it is still contagious. You've obviously been having unprotected sex as you have a child so I'd say if he'd had it for 6 years, even dormant, you'd have caught it by now.

Pinktinker · 07/07/2019 12:20

Yes but you can carry the virus and have zero symptoms so OP may actually have had it for years herself. Not everybody has symptoms. Some people also will only have a very mild outbreak and have no idea its that, put it down to a shaving spot or similar.

A herpes outbreak isn’t enough of a reason to suspect cheating.

Pinktinker · 07/07/2019 12:21

If you have genuine other reasons to believe he has cheated then fair enough but this isn’t enough of a reason. I have been to the GP about personal issues before and not necessarily bothered my DH about it beforehand, only told him afterwards. I don’t think your DP not mentioning the appointment beforehand is sketchy.

stillmoving · 07/07/2019 12:26

Well he has the virus and you are wondering if he has cheated. He has the virus but he isn't wondering if you have. I suspect he knows where and when he got it, because even in the most solid relationship a dose of herpes would be one of those things that would make you ask if the other had cheated. He doesn't suspect you because he knows it was him.

BoronationStreet · 07/07/2019 12:27

Well a quick google says it really could be either cheating or a rare case of dormancy.

The bigger issue is the fact that he said nothing about it until getting the diagnosis. I've been married for 5 years and if I suddenly had red blisters on my crotch, I'd immediately be asking my DH wtf was going on. The way he has handled it screams infidelity. I'm sorry OP.

EAIOU · 07/07/2019 12:27

Do you have reason to suspect he'd cheat?

You can go to either GP/sexual health clinic for this matter. Did he notice something then go? - has he been distant about sex etc?

Only you know if hes trustworthy OP.

MRex · 07/07/2019 12:36

I'm assuming you aren't aware of having ever had herpes before? don't know why he wouldn't have discussed his synptoms with you before going to the GP, that doesn't seem usual in most relationships I know (including my own). For you to not have know and him to have gone to the doctor it must be a bad outbreak (first) and it must be genital. To get such a quick result it's also likely that he went to a sexual health clinic. If he's had it in the past then he would have told you surely? I'm usually one to give the benefit of the doubt, but this doesn't sound right. Talk to him, look him straight in the eye, you know this man and you need to be clear about this. If you're even to consider forgiving him then that process starts with the truth; right now he's just layering on the lies.

GinIsHappiness · 07/07/2019 12:37

There's a shingles virus which is and sometimes called herpes.

stillmoving · 07/07/2019 12:47

There's a shingles virus which is and sometimes called herpes.

Shingles is herpes zoster. Genital herpes is herpes simplex.

Myheartbelongsto · 07/07/2019 12:57

I think it's very dangerous op to listen to strangers on the net that say it screams infidelity, we just don't know that.

My best advice is to talk to sexual health professionals. There is a national helpline that you can call and talk to a professional over the phone.

greenwaterbottle · 07/07/2019 13:02

Has he asked whether you have any symptoms, have you had sex Unprotected since?
Ask he whether you need to go to the std clinic. They'll be fully informed if you tell them what's happened.

ToastyFingers · 07/07/2019 13:09

@Tallgreenbottle are you thinking of hpv? I'm pretty sure 99% of people don't have herpes.

stillmoving · 07/07/2019 13:17

Like 9.999999 people out of 10 have it, and those that don't are most likely virgins.

Original poster

Anychance123 · 07/07/2019 13:50

Thanks for all the replies. He said he’s never known about it before, and yes being ‘dormant’ would be a very good excuse. Ever since his night out he’s been overly nice and doing lots more work around the house, which is out of character. Going with him to the gp may be a good idea. I’ve slept with him since his night out, obviously before the symptoms so I’ll have to get checked out. Going to the clinic wasn’t something I ever expected I’d have to do. He is just a devoted family man so part of me can’t believe it but people do cheat all the time don’t they.

OP posts:

Sizeofalentil · 07/07/2019 14:13

There's a charity called the herpes association who can give you advice and answer loads of your questions.

A lot of the previous posters are taking wild guesses, talking shit or googling it and giving you an interpretation of the answers they've read.

sparepantsandtoothbrush · 07/07/2019 15:14

Did he tell you he was going to the doctor's because of his penis? Or did he just not say anything. If that was my DH and it suddenly because active after being dormant he would have been a bit what the fuck is this I better get it checked out.

The secrecy over it would definitely make me suspicious

Original poster

Anychance123 · 07/07/2019 18:57

No he didn’t say anything, he just went and told me afterwards. I suppose there’s chance either way that he did/didn’t cheat. Could I end a relationship over something that may not be true though? I’ll never know I don’t think but it is very dodgy.

OP posts:

BlueMerchant · 07/07/2019 19:03

Not mentioning something wasn't right, going to GP and not mentioning it until afterwards, timeframe of night out and his herpes, doing more around house etc......sorry, it doesn't look good.

Flip

1 2 3