To be a cool wife?

[OliBonas]

This is very outing and I’m sure all my friends and family have a lot to say about this so I’ve named changed.
A few weeks ago DH was away with work, this is a regular occurrence. During the time he was tagged in a post on FB by one of his workmates. In the picture a young lady is sat on his lap. There’s a crowd of them and it looks to me as if she is just squeezing into the picture.
Oddly, the woman in question is friends with our oldest son (all my family work within the same industry, very small world) and he is really angry with his dad. And he thinks I should be angry too. DS thinks that this girl has a crush on his dad (she’s very pretty and DH looks like a normal bloke, he’s also a granddad so far older than her) and that I should be wary.
AIBU for believing DH that nothing is going on?

" It reminds me of the lad Jason(?) in the TV series Mum."

Totally different. Jason was just being possessive and selfish as he didn't want to see his DM with anyone but his late father.

My dp wouldn’t do this ever, it would be crossing the line. I’m not a “cool wife” he is not a “cool husband”. If I sat on another mans lap he would not be happy! I think it’s down to your boundaries if you don’t mind it and it doesn’t bother you that’s fine. I think your son is uncomfortable with it and he’s entitled too feel that way. If one of my mates was sat on my dads lap at that age I would of thought what the fuck!
I’d probably keep an eye on it though and express to your dp how would he feel if it was the other way around?

Thanks.
DS is annoyed and I think embarrassed. He called me a cool wife as in saying that I was pandering to his dad by not caring. To be honest I hadn’t heard the phrase before.

I will explain DS’ point of view to to DH and ask him to apologise because clearly it had caused DS to feel embarrassed.

What has your OH said about it?

Creepy Husband.

Why is he the creepy one and at fault? The DS believes she has a crush on his father so why isn't she the creepy and lecherous one?

OP only you have seen the photo, we haven't, so it's difficult to judge if it's weird or just people squeezing into a photo. If you aren't bothered by it then I don't see the problem.

Your son can explain his POV to his dad.
You don't actually come across as being that confident about your stance on this.
It's ok to be annoyed if you feel it, or not annoyed if you don't.
I can think of one profession that is a heavy multigenerational workforce with lots of foreign travel.
I can see why a your son might be worried or even a bit jealous.
Not every member of that workforce is a cheater but you tend to find they fall into the relaxed professional going home to their long term relationships type or they are handy flirty going back to hotel room types.

FFS a typical MN like on where the blokes at fault. Kids sit on Santa’s knee, is that creepy? She wasn’t snuggly him or grabbing his crotch. It was a group photo and sitting on knees, arms around people and funny faces are the norm. If after the photo she stayed on he knew them there’s an issue. But there’s no mention of that. She’s got a crush on him, does he even know this? Perhaps he sees her a s a daughter figure not a potential fling. Perhaps rather than son ‘warning’ mum he’s actually jealous because he fancies her, not because there’s a risk.

OP, thank your son for warning you and that you’ll let your DH know she needs boundaries then tell him to not speak to you in a derogatory way again.

Then tell DH what’s gone on and no doubt watch him be shocked as he hadn’t even noticed. Then both get on with your lives.

I think your ds should explain HIS issue to his dad. He is an adult, he doesn’t need mummy to sort things out. He also ought to take the responsibility for what he thinks aka that a man, any man, incl his own dad, would never be able to resist to a young (beautiful?) woman who has a crush on him.

Yu have relationship with your DH. Up to you to know your boundaries on what is or isn’t acceptable behaviour towards other women. I imagine that you have been together for many years and you should both know that by know too!

Lastly, it is NOT your ds place to tell you what is or isn’t acceptable behaviour wise. I would wonder where the idea he can tell you how to behave or what to accept is coming from. It sounds like a very sexist attitude (I am the man therefore I know) but you know your ur ds and will be able to say if this is the case or not.

Ds will have said what he said for a reason. If the young woman has a crush on your dh, then he should absolutely not be letting her sit on his lap. Yabu.

Would you sit on a friends dad’s knee to squeeze into a photo or lean in/get behind someone?

I wouldn’t sit on his knee, it’s too familiar for my liking.

I don't think it's creepy as such, but a young girl (unless it's a grandchild) sitting on a grandads knee is icky. Doesn't sound 'cool wifeish' that you're not bothered, but I can see why your son would feel embarrassed

Be as cool as you like, but seriously listen to your son, he is trying to tell you something important, he thinks there is more to it. I am inclined to agree. It’s too familiar.

As for your ds being embarrassed, what I say he embarrassed about?

• his dad not respecting what he thinks should be a boundary (no woman ever in your knees)

2- embarrassed by the potential gossiping that could be going in after the photo? 3- embarrassed that it’s another proof that a girl his age is fancying his dad? And he is still ewww at the idea if his dad having ses/being a sexual being 4- embarrassed because he doesn’t believe men in general would be able to resist a much year under woman making advance to them? Maybe he can’t see himself being able to resist. 5- embarrassed because he is actually jealous of the attention?

Basically the fact he is embarrassed is an issue HE needs to sort out. Lots of possibilities but non of them are YOUR responsibility (nor your DH for that matter)

What does your DH say about it?

I don't blame your DS for being annoyed. A photo of his Dad with a woman young enough to be his daughter (his sons friend no less) sat on his lap at a work event is on social media, it will be seen by his colleagues, friends, family. It's inappropriate and embarrassing. You said yourself it's a "very small world" that your DH and DS work in, he doesn't want his Dad to be the subject of gossip.

YANBU to trust your DH but I would also listen to your DS as he knows this girl and he clearly feels thart a line was crossed on that work trip. Maybe he's right.

Seconded that it sounds like the son fancies her and is a bit jealous

I can see why your son might think it's a bit awkward.

I'm not seeing any 'cool wife' behaviour here, but then I think 90% of what people on MN consider to be 'cool wife' behaviour translates as 'another couple are comfortable with different boundaries and because I think X Y Z is obviously a sign of wanting to shag someone then I'll find a way to disparage anyone who thinks differently by making snide patronising comments towards another woman'.

Cool wife behaviour seems to be anything from not having a problem with your DH grabbing a post work drink with colleagues (clearly an emotional affair), not having a problem with DH working with someone younger than them (because obviously they couldn't be colleagues, DH must want to sleep with her and she must be falling over herself for your DH) to thinking men and women can socialise with people of the opposite sex (because obviously there's an affair in plain sight).

You know your husband OP. If you are comfortable with it because you know him then it is fine.

Yesterday we were at a friends house, big crowd of us.. not enough chairs... I went to the loo....came back DH had sat in vacated chair and the hostess had perched on one knee and her DD had grabbed the other knee! All fine and nothing untoward. Not a cool wife just one that actually knows her DH.

If your son found it cringey then I think your husband should think about his behaviour.

Perhaps your son knows that the girl was being flirtatious and believes your husband was flirting too -maybe thats uncomfortable for you to believe.

There is no world in which my husband would let another woman sit on his knee so I find it a bit weird but your husband might be more naturally flirty or tactile.

I remember one of my friends sitting on my dad's knee - much in the same way I did, when we came back from a night out - my mum went bloody crazy and I was mortified - no way did my friend have a crush on my dad - my Mum has tendency towards paranoia and jealousy.

I’d never sit on a work colleague’s knee and even if I did wouldn’t want a photo of me doing it on FB. She could have sat on the floor in front or something if she wanted to get in the photo.

I agree with others that your son is probably embarrassed at his Dad looking like a creepy old lech. Especially if it’s on social media. I don’t think you’re wrong to trust your DH and it doesn’t sound like an affair or anything to me but that doesn’t make it appropriate behaviour.

If your adult son has never mentioned his dad in that context ever before, I would listen to him. Especially if they all work in the same small industry.

Even if you're ok with it, won't your husband now have an air of "creepy John who likes young female colleges sitting on his knee?" in the workplace. That's not exactly an image he should cultivate.

I just can't imagine that happening in any workplace without eyebrows being raised at both the people involved.

Your DH did nothing wrong