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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be a cool wife?

96 replies

OliBonas · 06/07/2019 18:18

This is very outing and I’m sure all my friends and family have a lot to say about this so I’ve named changed.
A few weeks ago DH was away with work, this is a regular occurrence. During the time he was tagged in a post on FB by one of his workmates. In the picture a young lady is sat on his lap. There’s a crowd of them and it looks to me as if she is just squeezing into the picture.
Oddly, the woman in question is friends with our oldest son (all my family work within the same industry, very small world) and he is really angry with his dad. And he thinks I should be angry too. DS thinks that this girl has a crush on his dad (she’s very pretty and DH looks like a normal bloke, he’s also a granddad so far older than her) and that I should be wary.
AIBU for believing DH that nothing is going on?

OP posts:
MrsTerryPratchett · 06/07/2019 19:02

Would be have some old geezer he works with sit on his lap? Nope? Then it's inappropriate. Be as 'cool' as you like, your son is clearly much more sensible.

MrsTerryPratchett · 06/07/2019 19:02

he have FFS

BogglesGoggles · 06/07/2019 19:03

I really couldn’t care less in that situation-it’s not going to impact me in any way and wouldn’t know if I didn’t see the picture. I also think people are reading a lot into it (but that said I have almost no personal boundaries so that wouldn’t strike me as intimate).

herculepoirot2 · 06/07/2019 19:04

Would be have some old geezer he works with sit on his lap?

Bob from Accounts. 14 stone of bad breath and wandering hands.

MrsTerryPratchett · 06/07/2019 19:06

Bob from Accounts.

It's forbidden love. Grin

Original poster
OliBonas · 06/07/2019 19:08

Sorry! I wouldn’t call myself a cool wife. That’s what DS accused me of being!

OP posts:
TheSpottedZebra · 06/07/2019 19:10

Is your son trying to tell you that he's worried something is going on?

WhatsInAName19 · 06/07/2019 19:15

Well it’s not unreasonable. You’re entitled to feel how you want about it and act accordingly. But it is inappropriate and it is flirtatious behaviour on both their parts so it would be sensible to acknowledge that. Like a PP said, Dave from HR wouldn’t be sitting on your husband’s lap to squeeze onto a photo, and I doubt your husband would allow it if he tried.

TheVanguardSix · 07/07/2019 08:12

I remember my friend's mum, when I was a teen, would chat and bat her eyes at our male friends when we'd be over at her house hanging out after school. It was super creepy. She'd sit on their laps and it was just awful for us, but especially for my friend who had to swallow the embarrassing antics of her mum.

What you're refusing to see is how creepy it is for some middle-aged man to have a young woman (who should be more interested in your son if anything) sitting on his knee. You don't have to think anything's happening between them. I'm sure there isn't. But it's the message being sent out, you know what I mean? It's just... sad. I'd feel just like your son. He's embarrassed by it all. You're not listening to your son at all.

PettyContractor · 07/07/2019 08:39

What you're refusing to see is how creepy it is for some middle-aged man to have a young woman (who should be more interested in your son if anything) sitting on his knee.

"Creepy" is a feeling that someone is having. If that someone is not one of the two people involved, but a third party, then it doesn't represent something objectively wrong with their relationship.

To illustrate, historically some people have been disgusted by male homosexual sex. Their feeling of disgust should not have been interpreted to mean there was something wrong with the homosexual relationship, it should have been regarded as their own personal issue to deal with. (But of course it wasn't regarded like that, consequently there were laws against male homosexual sex.)

Something being "creepy" in the eyes of some observer isn't evidence that there's anything wrong with it. Not even if the majority of observers feel the same.

IceCreamSoda99 · 07/07/2019 08:40

Your son called you a "cool wife" as a put-down? Is it like that amazing quote about "cool girls" from Gone Girl? I would think this woman does fancy your husband and he flirts with her, or she enjoys the fact he finds her attractive, no other reason to sit on lap otherwise. Personally I'd be pretty pissed off that it was on social media but I'm not a "cool wife", you are not unreasonable to trust your husband though! What did your husband say? Does he know he embarrassed his son?

Handsoffmysweets · 07/07/2019 08:42

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request.

Handsoffmysweets · 07/07/2019 08:43

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request.

ProteinshakesandAntonsAss · 07/07/2019 08:46

It would totally depend.

For example if my best friend sat on dps knee on a photo, it wouldnt bother me. You are just as likely to find in a photo sat on my knee. We have all been friends for years and I trust it's just friendship nothing more implicitly.

In this situation it would depend on my feelings about their relationship in general

I would also say that if my son, her friend, thinks she has a crush and maybe feels his dad is encouraging it, I wouldnt ignore that. Unless ds has a history of it.

TheFastandCurious · 07/07/2019 08:48

I'd interpret your DS discomfort as him subtly trying to raise a significant concern with you

I thought exactly the same thing when I read the OP

BitOfFun · 07/07/2019 08:48

It sounds like your son is just having a visceral reaction of disgust at seeing his much older father looking a bit sleazy. It reminds me of the lad Jason(?) in the TV series Mum.

It's up to you how you feel about it yourself.

CurbsideProphet · 07/07/2019 08:49

Perhaps your DS fancies her?

Why would she need to sit on his knee to fit in a photo when she could stand behind those sitting down?

I wouldn't like it, but then again I can't imagine my DP doing that.

SinisterBumFacedCat · 07/07/2019 08:50

Personally I would not be happy with that, the fact that she’s friends with your son feels like she knows your DH and the photo was an opportunity for both of them to get close. Who knows what went on that night.

Sarahjconnor · 07/07/2019 08:51

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Pikapikachooo · 07/07/2019 08:52

Cool wife is a very annoying MN only
Phrase ! 😉

But yanbu

Quartz2208 · 07/07/2019 09:02

Actually I think you are missing the point - its not about whether your DH would anything is about the fact that a young (and quite possibly vulnerable) girl has a crush on him and he isnt doing anything to stop it. You should be wary because her reactions could cause you a whole lot of pain and your DH needs to nip it bud now

Juells · 07/07/2019 09:04

Do young guys really talk about anyone being 'a cool wife'?

CherryPavlova · 07/07/2019 09:04

Does your son hold a torch for the young woman by any chance?
I’ve had all sorts of people sat on my lap and sat on a few laps since my time without any intent.

LL83 · 07/07/2019 09:05

If it looks like she has squashed in for picture then i wouldn't be worried something is going on.

I would advise DH that DS is upset, that she is sons friend and a colleague and while you don't suspect he has been inappropriate the picture may make him look bad so try to avoid in future. Also ask if he suspects crush? And how he intends to distance himself.

diddl · 07/07/2019 09:08

Does your husband know that she has a crush on him?

Is your son angry because it could seem to the girl that his dad feels the same?