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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

WWYD about DS14 run away?

52 replies

Lissybussy · 06/07/2019 16:31

My son 14 is a nightmare- moody, cheeky, vile etc. Disruptive in school and very intense and volatile.

We had a big argument a couple of days ago as he’d yet again skipped school. I’ve stopped his pocket money and turned off the WiFi.

He stormed off to his friends house and I haven’t seen him since. I know where he is due to his find friends App but he won’t take my calls or answer my texts.

He’s just texted me to say how much he hates me and called me names and that he wants nothing to do with me!

Not sure whether to just wait until his friends family get fed up of him or drive over there and possibly create a scene at his friends house which of course I don’t want!

Any advice please?

OP posts:
ThatssomebadhatHarry · 06/07/2019 16:35

I speak to the parents.

TopBitchoftheWitches · 06/07/2019 16:38

He's 14, you try and speak to the parents and if that doesn't work you speak to the police and social services. Why on earth do you even need to ask this?

Original poster
Lissybussy · 06/07/2019 16:43

Ok I’ll go over and speak to the parents - the reason I needed to ask is because I don’t want a scene which I wrote in the op, not really necessary to be rude is it??

OP posts:
maxbabi · 06/07/2019 16:43

Change the locks!
I have a 14 Yr old horror too so I offer you a hand hold. Ride the storm let him calm down. Can you speak to the parents.
I'm at my wits end with my son, I'm a single mum and his dad doesn't give a shit. Buys him trainers twice a year.
Sorry I have no great advice I hope you can manage to talk to him soon.

Original poster
Lissybussy · 06/07/2019 16:45

Thanks maxbabi, I too sympathise with you, it’s horrible when they behave like this

OP posts:
maxbabi · 06/07/2019 16:45

Ignore bitch comments as they are not helpful and you don't need extra stress right now.

Original poster
Lissybussy · 06/07/2019 16:46

Thank you

OP posts:
stillmoving · 06/07/2019 16:50

I would have gone to get him straight away. It's absolutely not ok for you to just leave him for his friends parents to deal with.

IncrediblySadToo · 06/07/2019 16:50

You don’t want to create a scene?

That would be the least of my worries tbh

How old was he when he started being a disrespectful little sod? Do you know why he’s so angry with you/the world? Have you suggested (to Ruth if them) that he goes to live with his Dad?(I know he’s not currently very involved but it doesn’t mean he couldn’t become more involved)

InTheHeatofLisbon · 06/07/2019 16:51

Been there more times than I care to count OP, lots of solidarity here.

Text him again and tell him unless he gets his backside home the police will be at his friend's door to pick him up. I doubt his friend's parents would be amused.

It'll get better, DSD was a holy terror a few years ago. Flowers at one point we had dogs and the helicopter out looking for her.

Lycanthropology · 06/07/2019 16:53

I’m surprised by the behaviour of your DSs friend’s parents, to be honest. They are just putting him up without any attempt to contact or reassure you. Perhaps they’ve been fed lies about your unreasonable behaviour so think they’re protecting or helping him?
I can well understand why you’re wary of approaching them and not sure what to say. Also wary of how your DS will act towards you when he sees you.

It’s an awful situation to be in, I’m so sorry you’re going through this. Can you phone the parents first? See how things are?

stillmoving · 06/07/2019 16:54

I’m surprised by the behaviour of your DSs friend’s parents, to be honest. They are just putting him up without any attempt to contact or reassure you.

If I was the friends parents I would be gobsmacked that his parents hadn't come to get him. Why is it up to them to reassure? OP needs to take responsibility, not just leave him to someone else.

GreenTulips · 06/07/2019 16:55

Dad friend did this and mom refused to give any new etc tot he hosting parent, which sped up their departure!!

Original poster
Lissybussy · 06/07/2019 16:55

IntheHeat, thank you for sharing and so glad it got better!

I’ve texted him as I really would like him to come back of his own accord, I wish/hope the parents tell him he’s outstayed his welcome and send him packing!

We had a police helicopter out for him when he was 9, he thought it was ok to go to a field on his own and play football at 10 at night!

OP posts:
Original poster
Lissybussy · 06/07/2019 16:57

I don’t have contact numbers for the parents, I will try and contact them on SM. I’m a bit scared to go over there to be honest!

OP posts:
InTheHeatofLisbon · 06/07/2019 16:59

It's bloody exhausting isn't it? I confess to reading the absolute riot act to DSD when she disappeared and caused the dogs and helicopter incident about wasting valuable resources and being a selfish wee witch!

Do you have RL support? Are school looking at behaviour strategies or referrals?

CAHMS helped DSD a lot, along with a dx of selective mutism (she physically can't speak when stressed or anxious) and support for it.

I hope you find a solution soon OP, and don't take some of the nippier comments to heart. We're all perfect parents online Wink

stillmoving · 06/07/2019 17:00

I wish/hope the parents tell him he’s outstayed his welcome and send him packing!

I'm sorry but he is your son, your responsibility, not theirs.

I’m a bit scared to go over there to be honest!

Why? You should have been there 2 days ago full of apologies and taking your son home.

Go over and tell him he has to come home, if he refuses call the police. Apologise to the other family for not dealing with it sooner.

Lycanthropology · 06/07/2019 17:00

Why is it up to them to reassure?

It’s not that it’s up to them, it’s just that caught in the middle of a dispute like that it would be a reasonable and kind thing to do. They don’t even know that OP knows where he is.

trickyex · 06/07/2019 17:00

I think its better to go over there than to text him. Not really fair on the friend's parents to let it ride, he isnt their responsibility and they probably have family commitments over the weekend.

Even if he is difficult (and I sympathise - I have a tricky 14 year old DS) its up to you as the adult to try to resolve this asap.

Raising Boys by Steve Biddulph is a great book, he does talk about how its important for boys to have male role models esp if the father isnt very involved.

recklessruby · 06/07/2019 17:02

I know its hard but dont drive over and create a scene. He will just use that as ammunition against you and a chance to show his friend and their family what a poor little victim he is and how unreasonable you are.
Try to keep calm. Dont get involved in the text row. Just text him you ll talk to him when he s not being rude and angry.
The parents will get fed up of an extra mouth to feed/extra moody teenager very quickly.
When he does come back talk to him and ask what s going on. It could be all sorts. Problems at school etc.
He does still need you although it doesn't seem like it.
My own son could be a bloody nightmare at that age. Stayed out late, turned his phone off, truanted. We had some amazing rows.
Turned out he was being bullied at school and self harming.
Once he told me this (literally yelled it in my face after another row about school attendance) we managed to sort it out.
Fwiw i sometimes hated my own dc (dd was terrible too) between 14 and 18.
But dont lose communication. I m sure its temporary. And he doesnt "hate" you either, not underneath.

stillmoving · 06/07/2019 17:10

It’s not that it’s up to them, it’s just that caught in the middle of a dispute like that it would be a reasonable and kind thing to do.

A reasonable thing to do would be for the parents to go get him.

If I was the other parent and my plans got turned upside down while the other parents made no effort to come get their child I would be fuming, not reasonable and kind. Fuck that shit.

InTheHeatofLisbon · 06/07/2019 17:14

stillmoving he's 14 not 5, they'd be perfectly reasonable to tell him to get his arse home and that they're not getting caught in the middle.

If OP doesn't know their numbers, does she know their address?

InTheHeatofLisbon · 06/07/2019 17:16

In fact I've just reread and it's through find my friends, so no she doesn't have the exact address.

So what exactly is she meant to do?

He is the one in the wrong, not OP.

The parents facilitating it are pretty irresponsible too, I wouldn't just accept a teenager turning up at my house and staying without speaking to their parents. Would you?

SkydivingKittyCat · 06/07/2019 17:16

OP what are you scared of? Is he violent?

cptartapp · 06/07/2019 17:19

What does his dad say?