Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

WWYD about DS14 run away?

52 replies

Lissybussy · 06/07/2019 16:31

My son 14 is a nightmare- moody, cheeky, vile etc. Disruptive in school and very intense and volatile.

We had a big argument a couple of days ago as he’d yet again skipped school. I’ve stopped his pocket money and turned off the WiFi.

He stormed off to his friends house and I haven’t seen him since. I know where he is due to his find friends App but he won’t take my calls or answer my texts.

He’s just texted me to say how much he hates me and called me names and that he wants nothing to do with me!

Not sure whether to just wait until his friends family get fed up of him or drive over there and possibly create a scene at his friends house which of course I don’t want!

Any advice please?

OP posts:
FedUpMum40 · 06/07/2019 17:23

I remember this very well, at 14 the police used to have to track our son down and drag him back even threatning to handcuff him, unfortunately the parents he went round enjoyed living in a shit hole with no rules and crazy kids, so all attempts to talk to them were met with fuckoffs, that was used to bring son back sometimes as the places he stayed were horrid, I would attempt to speak to the parents and ask them not to get involved by having him there, as you don't givvee your permission, it's a long wave you may have to ride out, lasted 3 years with ours and he learned the hard way

Lycanthropology · 06/07/2019 17:24

Yeah, fuck being reasonable and kind, stillmoving Hmm

He’s old enough to go home by himself. He doesn’t need collecting. They may know that OP has been in touch with her son, but she doesn’t have their number. And as I said before, they can’t even be sure that she knows where he is. Many would realise how awkward that situation may be and try to help rather than be “fuming” because it’s not “up to” them.

FedUpMum40 · 06/07/2019 17:26

I must say over the years I have had sons friends to stay as they was having a tough time at home, I always said yes but I will need to speak to your parents first, most didn't stay the night, nothing wrong at home usually just teenage Kevin and Perry not getting their way😁

Snowy81 · 06/07/2019 17:28

I would have been around the first night he didn’t come back. I could not imagine them not coming home for days or not having contact with the parents.

Unshriven · 06/07/2019 17:32

He could be with anyone.

The sort of people who let a 14 year old stay at their house without contacting the other parents are not likely to be pleasant, involved, boundary-setting sorts.

WorraLiberty · 06/07/2019 17:35

Do you know anything about the parents OP?

Are they likely to let the boys wander around the streets all night?

In fact, how do you know the boys are actually sleeping there? They could have told his mum they're staying at your house.

You really need to pick him up before the police do.

Original poster
Lissybussy · 06/07/2019 17:35

FedupMum, what do you mean by ‘learn the hard way’ I fear my son is heading in the same direction.

It’s more than typical teen stuff he’s really angry and hates me. I think it’s because his younger brother has disabilities and therefore has a lot of my attention and medical appointments, he thinks I love his brother more which of course I don’t, I think a lot of this behaviour is attention seeking.

I know roughly where he is, although find friends app doesn’t give an exact address I’m going to drive over shortly, just getting my other son ready to put in the car.

OP posts:
WellThisIsShit · 06/07/2019 17:41

It sounds incredibly difficult OP, I hope it works out.

It would be lovely if your DS was in a home like a mumsnetter type of home, and you could rely on a useful response - I mean, even a grumpy response is useful really as it gets DS out of there and back with his own family!

Sadly I’d guess he’s deliberately picked a family where it’s easy to stay without the grown ups bothering too much, kids will be good at finding that type of situation.

So maybe where the parents aren’t interested in the wellbeing of teenagers, and arent bothered who stays where etc.
Or of course they could be the opposite, and just terribly naive and sucking up the sob story and not thinking that all is not quite what he’s saying...

I’m sorry OP, I’m not much use on the practical advice... oh except for maybe trying to keep that digital way of finding him a secret from him, so you’ve got some way to track him in the future... don’t blow it up now, in this incident, & have him take it off the phone. Sounds like you may well need it again. Flowers

FedUpMum40 · 06/07/2019 17:43

He learned the hard way cause after a certain age the police and myself loose some control, they won't go and drag him back at 16 they just check he's is OK and alive and that's that, and he learned that living in a doss house catching fleas wasn't the way he wanted to live, my son hated me wanted me to die ect, tbh it does sound like your situation is different, my son unfortunately was under alot of influences with older horrible people, and weed, not a good combo, maybe see what the parents reply to you, and go from there, if all fails they not interested, an dtou have knocked on the door, then you may need to call 101 and ask for advise which they will send a officer out to you, may not get that far though

stillmoving · 06/07/2019 18:02

Yeah, fuck being reasonable and kind, stillmoving

Out of context. I said I wouldnt be contacting the parent to be reasonable and kind. I didn't say I would turn the kid out, because I wouldn't. I would be stunned at his parents making no effort to come and get him. And I would not be reasonable to them. Just to be clear.

stillmoving · 06/07/2019 18:04

He’s old enough to go home by himself.

Except he hasn't.

He doesn’t need collecting.

Yes he does. OP can't just expect these other parents to look after her child. He isn't going home so it is totally up to her to go and get him. That's what parental responsibility is about.

LLOE7 · 06/07/2019 18:06

Hi OP- I was this child 10 years ago. I just really hated school, got into the wrong crowd and it was all so intense and out of control. I was rude and plain nasty to my parents. The best thing they ever did for me was take me out of school- would hone educating be an option? It's not at all like most people imagine it- you don't have to sit down and teach him out of text books by yourself. Remember he is a child, no matter what 'adult' words he may use.
My heart goes out to you as I know it's such a hard, stressful situation. First step I would take is talk to the friends parents and attempt to get him home. Good luck! Thanks

stillmoving · 06/07/2019 18:08

Many would realise how awkward that situation may be and try to help rather than be “fuming” because it’s not “up to” them.
I'm never said I would not help. If I had someone else's kid at my house for 2 days then I would already have been helping, by looking after them. My comment about being fuming was that if I had this kid at my house I would have had to change MY plans, so of course I would be pissed of that the person with responsibility had done nothing. Contacting them to say he is ok would be the very last thing on my mind. I can't believe any parent thinks it's ok to just leave your runaway teen with someone.

TopBitchoftheWitches · 06/07/2019 18:14

OP, you think I was rude in my reply?

Making a scene would be the last thing on my
mind. I would be knocking on every door and calling anyone who could help.

I sincerely hope you have your 14 yr old child home soon, very soon. Flowers

Original poster
Lissybussy · 06/07/2019 18:31

Well I went over there, I cannot believe it.

Turns out friends parents have gone away and left friends older sibling (17) in charge.

They’ve been doing god knows what, drinking, smoking, drugs, loud music. The police were there as I arrived as a neighbour had reported anti social behaviour. My son and his friend have scarpered.

Police are out looking for him and his mate. My son has told me he will leave again as soon as he’s brought back. He’s told me to get out of his life and just let him get on with it.

OP posts:
joystir59 · 06/07/2019 18:35

I think you are not in care and control of your son and SS need to be involved.

TopBitchoftheWitches · 06/07/2019 18:41

I think your child is behaving like a little shit, if this is true.

If as you have said police are involved, then social services come next. Let them help you.

jollyhollyhocks · 06/07/2019 18:47

Joystir59 social services wouldn't get involved. They deflect much bigger stuff than this off to other agencies. Op probably couldn't get their help even if she asked for it personally.

wishingforapositiveyear · 06/07/2019 18:55

Op I sympathise , DD was horrific from 12-17 I had all this! You just have to accept he'll hate you no matter what so time for mega tough love. I reported DD missing every time she did this, I had the my vodaphone app for her contract phone so could cut off her data , messaging etc quickly, I stopped all money unless she earnt it by helping, I also called the police if she smashed the house up . Whenever things got heated I took the dog for a walk so she'd have no one to argue with! She did not like boundaries but once she saw how detached I was and stuck to the same rules she eased up a bit. I never thought things would get better but she's 19 now and we are close again she's actually good fun and polite now.

Maldives2006 · 06/07/2019 19:05

Could you ask for a referral to youth offending via the police or yourself because to be fair your son is at serious risk of harmful behaviour to himself or to others.

They might be useful and be able to reach your son better than any other agency.

Also what about the Princes trust maybe speak to them for the same reason they exist for the teenagers/young adults who are falling through the cracks.

FedUpMum40 · 06/07/2019 19:34

Op, OK the police will get hold of him and bring him home no if or buts, when I realised my son wouldn't stay home, I kept doing the same thing, the police were very good, when they bring him home, they should have a word with him, at least you can get people on side befour it starts to get out of control, they might even make a referral to ss, in our case cause they saw my son come from a good home(like I'm sure yours is) they were reluctant to help as they were so over stretched, at least your not dealing with it on your own

YeOldeTrout · 06/07/2019 19:40

I'd be asking police for advice, tbh. Try to work with the other authorities who are involved, anyway. And yes part of that would be covering my back so I could show I was trying to do what I could to get the lad to a safe place, having lost track of him for a few days with wrong assumptions. Sorry you don't have great choices.

Original poster
LissyBussy · 06/07/2019 22:49

He’s home - for now at least. I’m already working with Youth Offending Team.

OP posts:
WorraLiberty · 06/07/2019 23:39

Good luck OP, I hope you both get the help you need Thanks

Teens are never really easy and some are much harder than others but that doesn't mean it'll always be that way.

I have 3 boys (2 young adults and 1 teen) and some of their friends over the years behaved appallingly, yet managed eventually to grow into lovely, kind responsible young men.

Hang in there. Sometimes they turn themselves around when you least expect them to Thanks

PickAChew · 06/07/2019 23:45

What have you done to demonstrate that you are not actually the enemy and that he can trust you BUT MEET ME HALF WAY PLEASE!? He's 14, his brain is in turmoil and he's not naturally trusting and definitely not making good decisions. He might have a body like an adult, but his brain is like a toddler.