That he can be himself, and the family need to accept and respect that?

[ttrt]

I've got a sibling who has had a really tough time in life, from losing their Dad at an early age and then lots of upheaval in their home life over many years, I wouldn't have liked to walk even a few yards in their shoes even now never mind as a child and teen.

For almost 16 years I've had a sister, and for much of her life as well as the typical big brother tormenting role, I've also had to take her Dad's place too, which was certainly quite a challenge given I was younger then than she is now!

Over the past couple of years she's really struggled with her identity and who she really was, coming to the realisation that whilst she was still the same person inside that she has always been and always would be, the body wasn't the right fit. Ultimately this led to a diagnosis of gender dysphoria and moving towards their new identity.

I'm now very proud to say that I have an incredible younger brother who is living his life to the full and so much happier now he doesn't feel he has to hide away who he is and feel trapped pretending to be somebody and something he isn't.

Anybody familiar with this journey will know that there is an awful long way to go, and no doubt many more bumps in the road as he strives to find happiness and to be comfortable in his own body and who he is, but he's come such a long way in a really short space of time, and I really couldn't be any prouder if I tried.

The medical side of things will all take a lot longer, its a slow process but rightly so because such physical changes are a lot for him to deal with and process, never mind those around him! This morning however he (and we) have taken a massive step forward, by completing the process necessary to legally change his name. He has chosen to live as a boy as much as he's been able to for the past 12 months, but legally he's still been girls name". Once this process is finalised, he will legally be called boys name*, and will be able to leave behind the name he's hated for so long once and for all, moving forward with the next step of his journey and living the rest of his life as the person he really is.

When he first told me how he felt, which feels like a lifetime ago now, I just remember thinking that I couldn't imagine not being happy and comfortable in my own body and feeling like I was living a lie, and that was as an adult never mind during the most emotionally challenging of teenage years. But at the same time overwhelming respect that he was brave enough to do something about it, and intense love for the person trapped inside - after all, what's on the outside is just packaging, it's part of who you are at that time but it doesn't have define who you are inside and who you will be in the future.

Our Mum whilst struggling with some aspects of the transition could not be more supportive, and most of the family are exactly the same. His circle of friends love him for who he is, and I'm sure they'd defend him no matter what should the need ever arise, not that it ever has so far.

One relative, however, remains adamant that it's a "phase", and that they aren't going to use his new name, refer to him as male using male pronouns or respect this journey he has embarked upon. AIBU to think that if they love him they will be able to do exactly this, no matter how conflicted they may feel? Surely the wellbeing of somebody you love and care about comes first?

AIBU to think that if they love him they will be able to do exactly this, no matter how conflicted they may feel? Surely the wellbeing of somebody you love and care about comes first?
Yanbu. This is exactly how I feel. Conflicted in general but in specific cases I would always put the person first and respect their personal identity.

I’m sorry your brother had such a difficult life, however there are valid arguments against gender re assignment surgery. It’s not as simple as saying if you loved him you’d accept him.

Yanbu. As a decent person you should refer to someone as they wish to be referred to no matter what your personal feels are. It's a respect thing. I would refer to both my nearest and dearest and complete strangers but the name/ pronoun they requested. Clearly family member who is refusing to do so is unkind. Ignore ignore ignore. They dont deserve your nor your brothers time.

YANBU

Yanbu and he is lucky to have a sibling like you

here are valid arguments against gender re assignment surgery. It’s not as simple as saying if you loved him you’d accept him.

You're not wrong but this is about not using someone's preferred name and pronoun. That IS a simple thing to do.

Agree with PPs, your DB is one lucky guy to have a sis like you. I wish him (and you) all the best.

It’s really simple if someone says call me “whatever”. That’s what you call them
My name is Elizabeth but everyone calls me Eli that’s what you call them, your opinions about what’s else they are doing in their life have not been asked for

The objections by family members are THEIR objections. That should have no bearing on you and your sibling.
Thank god there are still people with love and humanity to give, your sibling is very lucky to have you. The best of luck to you both xx

You are an amazing brother and you're brother is lucky to have you.

Yanbu to think of you loved someone you'd respect their wishes and identity - regardless of you're own personal feelings.

This again...

www.google.com/amp/s/www.telegraph.co.uk/politics/2018/09/16/minister-orders-inquiry-4000-per-cent-rise-children-wanting/amp/

I've got a sibling who has had a really tough time in life, from losing their Dad at an early age and then lots of upheaval in their home life over many years, I wouldn't have liked to walk even a few yards in their shoes even now never mind as a child and teen.

Your sibling, with these difficulties, seems to fit the criteria for Rapid Onset Gender Dysphoria.

YANBU. I have my own views on gender reassignment surgery that mean I don't think it's a good idea (i won't go into them here). But even so, if someone introduces themselves to me as a different gender than the one I was expecting, then I smile and go with it because it's the polite and decent thing to do. This is especially the case with family. Your brother is going through enough without some obnoxious relative getting their kicks out of calling them something that is upsetting to them. They sound pathetic. They gain nothing from doing this except feeling smug that they are "right".

I have no advice for you because, unfortunately, people like this tend not to be swayed. I doubt there is anything you could say that would make them change their mind. I would probably just try and ignore them, as shit as that sounds.

You're fantastic.
I'm taking my eldest to London pride tomorrow.
She's had a lot of things to try and work out, wince she was small. I'm unsure currently whether she will continue to be as she is, or if she will choose to be he at some point. I don't care as long as she's happy. But it's a real nightmare feeling uncertain in one's own skin. I speak as someone who is also unhappy in their own skin but who has done their best over the years to accept the skin they're in.

Is your sibling 15? Surely that's just too young to be thinking about medical intervention for something irreversible?
I sympathise. What teenaged girl IS happy in their skin? Who knows if it's a phase or not but we all grow and change. Isn't there time for just watchful waiting?
Also, quite sadly for some, you CAN'T change sex, and telling young people you can is doing them more harm than good frankly.

I also wouldn't judge your relative too harshly. Some people find it very hard to lie.

Hepizibah I'm pretty sure you must be 18 or over to undergo gender reassignment surgery in the UK so there's a good three years for watchful waiting. OP's brother can think all he wants about surgery but he won't be getting it until he's an adult.

Thanks everybody.

Don't worry, re surgical treatment he's aware of his options and the timescales involved etc. For now, all he's asking is that he's allowed to live his life as the person he is and not have to pretend to be somebody he isn't. Yes physically he has the body of a woman, but he is living his life as the man he is inside and only asks that the family member who professes to love him respects this by using his chosen name.

I would call anyone by the preferred name but as it is impossible to change sex I wouldn’t be referring to a man by a female pronoun.
I can’t see this as being an issue when talking or interacting with the person as I wouldn’t be using a pronoun but their name.

I guess I was worrying more about hormones etc, more than surgery.
But yes, they have the right to be called whatever name they want and wear anything at all. We should all have control over those things.

Right now, it's just being accepted for the person he is and being called the name he has chosen which is the overriding concern.

Assuming he decides to go ahead with medical treatment options as and when they become available to him, I'd say that was far more his business than anybody else's - what's happening with parts of his body which usually remain covered, or whether or not he then needs to remove excess body hair etc. aren't things that should impact anybody else.

His name, however, is quite public. Given he is effectively living his life as a man at this stage, it could be quite embarrassing to be called by a name which "outs" him around others, as well as quite upsetting.

I guess one approach would simply be not to acknowledge the "old" name, and not respond to it. Although he's far from a rude person, so I'm not sure that would sit comfortably with him either. He doesn't want to not have a relationship with any family member, but he want to have a relationship with them as himself, not by pretending to be somebody else just to appease. them.

Yanbu - he’s lucky to have you in his life, and I wish all trans people were met with the same love and acceptance.

I can't think of any other situation where someone who believes something to be true (that they are male) when the physical evidence is the opposite (that they are female) is treated by changing the physical situation.

If someone believes they are fat, when in fact they are dangerously underweight, we recognise that their body dysphoria must be treated psychologically. We don't go along with their delusion and pretend that they are fat and need a diet.

I absolutely believe the diagnosis of gender dysphoria. I just don't think there is any kindness in pretending that the mental delusion is the reality. The kind thing would be to help them get appropriate psychological treatment to accept the physical reality.

Playing devils advocate perhaps, but what's to say that gender dysphoria is a psychological condition in the way that we understand/accept it to be?

With the weigh example you give, it's usually pretty clear when somebody is or isn't a healthy weight physically and as such if their own belief doesn't match this physical reality then it's easier to accept that the "problem" in the equation is psychological rather than physical.

With gender, it's easy to apply the same logic - your body has a penis, therefore you must be male and have a psychological illness if you feel that you are female. But is that always, or for that matter ever, the case?

Why is it not the physical that is wrong, rather than the mental? What's not to say that a person is female but the construction of their body is incorrect and has male-typical parts or characteristics?

I'm not psychologist, not a physiologist, and I'm no doubt biased on the basis that I accept my brother to be male and believe that he is albeit within a female-typical physical body, but I think that simply accepting the very black and white stereotypical norm isn't always going to be right.