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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want to move this far from DHs kids

59 replies

CalculateThis · 05/07/2019 17:00

So we are looking to buy our first house as currently renting.

The area we live in at the moment is very expensive, especially for a first time buyer.

There is another area which is nice and much more reasonable in cost. It is 25 minutes away in the car.

Here we would likely get a 2 bedroom small house with no garden for the same price as a large house and nice garden in the other area.

The drive from here to there is over nice country roads so not much chance to get stuck in lots of traffic etc ...

DH is reluctant to look as we currently live 5 minutes from his ex.

The kids are with us 50:50 a week. AIBU to suggest that we would all be better off for the extra 20 minute drive to pick them up? To me that really isn't a huge deal, it isn't hours. They would have a garden to play in and a room of their own etc...

OP posts:
ohhelloitsyou · 05/07/2019 17:04

I don’t think 20-25 minutes is that long for something that would fit more kids in and give them more space to run around and play. Surely they’d be better off with a bigger house with garden?

Original poster
CalculateThis · 05/07/2019 17:08

I think it would be so much better for all of us!

It wouldn't affect picking up or anything either because he works right near their school so just picks them up from there on his days. Just means it'll take 20 mins more to get home.

We'd all have to set off 20 mins earlier in the morning but it's not a bad compromise for a better home surely?

OP posts:
theWarOnPeace · 05/07/2019 17:10

I thought it was going to be hours away! A bigger house and garden, a step onto the property ladder and only an extra 20 mins? Better for everyone, including the children. As long as contact is sustained then I can’t see a problem

ems137 · 05/07/2019 17:10

I thought you were going to say a couple of hours.

It can take over 25 minutes just to drive into town here!

Lily715 · 05/07/2019 17:11

No, I think that's fine. My stepmum and dad moved an hour and a half to two hours away from us kids when we were young and that was way too far.

JacquesHammer · 05/07/2019 17:13

Wouldn't even register as an issue!

For a better quality of life, 25 minutes is nothing!

Sandybval · 05/07/2019 17:14

I also thought you were going to say a couple of hours!

WhenISnappedAndFarted · 05/07/2019 17:14

I also thought you were going to say hours away! Like others have said - 25 mins is nothing.

Original poster
CalculateThis · 05/07/2019 17:14

Okay phew, I thought I was being really awful when I couldn't see it as a big issue!

I'd never suggest moving hours away but this seems like a reasonable suggestion given the benefits!

OP posts:
GreigLaidlawsbarofsoap · 05/07/2019 17:15

Wouldn't even creep into the "problem" category for me, sounds like a complete no brainier and an obvious yes to moving to bigger place. Is he unbelievably lazy or just never lived somewhere slightly different from where he is now? I honestly can't see why on earth he would have a quibble with this.

AnneLovesGilbert · 05/07/2019 17:16

Sounds fine to me! Why doesn’t he want to be able to offer them a nicer home with more space?

MinisterforCheekyFuckery · 05/07/2019 17:16

YANBU. 25 minutes is nothing.

Original poster
CalculateThis · 05/07/2019 17:17

I think they've just always lived 'round the corner' from each other (his ex and the kids) so maybe it's just a bit of a change moving slightly further afield.

I could understand more if he had a habit of 'popping' in to see them or anything but he doesn't. He has set days and they are stuck to so it wouldn't make a difference at all to contact.

OP posts:
Kashali · 05/07/2019 17:23

What time would 25 min earlier mean leaving the house though?

Constance1234 · 05/07/2019 17:25

What if he refuses to move, you end up in a pokey house and his ex decides to move away in the future at some point anyway. You’d be stuck in an unsuitable house for no reason!

IncrediblySadToo · 05/07/2019 17:26

The only thing is that being nearer is easier for the ‘I forgot my x that I desperately need /my homework/football kit/1001 other things, easier for them to go to friends houses to play,

It’s true 20 minutes drive us nothing if it’s only ever picking up to go to your house for half the week, but it never is? Is it. They’re kids, there’s always something they need or somewhere they need to be plus after school activities that’s 40 extra minutes etc

Also when they’re older it’s great if they can walk to school and BOTH of their homes

I don’t think you’re dreadful fir wanting to move but I think you might be over looking some of the hassle/ negatives...

Original poster
CalculateThis · 05/07/2019 17:28

He has to get them to school so he'd need to set off around 8:30 whereas now it's about 8:50.

OP posts:
FatThor · 05/07/2019 17:31

I clicked on this expecting miles and miles and was going to tell you how unreasonable you are so that'll teach me not to jump to conclusionsGrin

25 mins is nothing, it can take that long to get from one end of town to the other where I live and it's not a city!

stucknoue · 05/07/2019 17:32

20-30 mins is fine, many kids travel further to school daily! You are still a short distance away in emergency, to get to friends houses etc. and school pick ups aren't an issue. If you had said an hour my opinion my be different

stucknoue · 05/07/2019 17:35

I would ensure there's public transport though as as they get older they won't want to just hang out with you, just like they won't with their mum.

lyralalala · 05/07/2019 17:38

How old are the kids? Do they play out with friends at yours? Is there the same facilities in the new place? Is there easy public transport for them to get out and about (or for when they are old enough)?

Who collects them from school on his days?

Snowfalling · 05/07/2019 17:40

You selfish cow, moving your dh 20 minutes away from his dc for the sake of more rooms and a garden.. how will the kids ever see their father?! Etc etc

No, yanbu. Think how happy the kids will be in a bigger home with a garden. As they get older you all will seriously need ALL space you can get. Tell him to stop being short sighted about this.

JonSnowsCloak · 05/07/2019 17:44

20 mins is fine, my dad moved from 5 mins away to 20 mins away when I was a teenager and it was no problem. He now lives 40 mins away which is a shame for when he potentially has grandfather duties once a week in the future (he's retired!)

Original poster
CalculateThis · 05/07/2019 17:45

Who collects them from school on his days?

He does because he works nearby.

There is perfectly good transport links for when the children get older (buses directly to where we are now). It's actually only the next town over but because we are in the countryside it's 25 mins away over hills!

They don't really go to play out with friends where we are now, but obviously respect that they will want to as they get older. They go to the odd party which we'd obviously still have to take them to. Given where we live, their friends are sort of spread out anyway, we'd have to drive them now if they wanted to go to a friend's to play for example.

OP posts:
Betty777 · 05/07/2019 17:46

I'm going to be unpopular here but - I really value close proximity, for the kids sake. 25 minutes isn't far at all, but it IS far enough to put off the casual drop in, etc. I think there is something really valuable in kids who are 50/50 having parents super close together.

I say this as someone who has raised a DSS and is about to be sharing custody of my own DC. My DH has moved 'just 15 mins away' and I can tell you it really does make a difference.

It's a bigger issue if the kids are older, as it's good for them to start being independent and be able to visit both parents. Less important if you are driving them everywhere for at least the next 5 years

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