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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To want to move this far from DHs kids

59 replies

CalculateThis · 05/07/2019 17:00

So we are looking to buy our first house as currently renting.

The area we live in at the moment is very expensive, especially for a first time buyer.

There is another area which is nice and much more reasonable in cost. It is 25 minutes away in the car.

Here we would likely get a 2 bedroom small house with no garden for the same price as a large house and nice garden in the other area.

The drive from here to there is over nice country roads so not much chance to get stuck in lots of traffic etc ...

DH is reluctant to look as we currently live 5 minutes from his ex.

The kids are with us 50:50 a week. AIBU to suggest that we would all be better off for the extra 20 minute drive to pick them up? To me that really isn't a huge deal, it isn't hours. They would have a garden to play in and a room of their own etc...

OP posts:

Original poster

CalculateThis · 05/07/2019 17:50

but it IS far enough to put off the casual drop in, etc

I respect the point although as mentioned upthread, he's never just popped in even being 5 mins away now. He'd still have to get in his car and drive the 5 mins to her house.

And again, I think it would be far more beneficial to all of us to have a nice home, garden, proper bedrooms etc... Than having none of that for the sake of being able to casually 'drop in'.

OP posts:

Waveysnail · 05/07/2019 17:57

If I was a parent I wouldn't want to move that far from my kids if I had always lived close.

Jux · 05/07/2019 18:02

We live in Devon. My friend's children's dad had to move to Brighton for work. He has never complained about the hors of driving he has to do to see his kids. Sometimes, he will just book a BnB and stay here for his weekend.

Your dh is being silly.

Own room(s) and a garden are far more important to children than a 5 minute journey.

lyralalala · 05/07/2019 18:03

he's never just popped in even being 5 mins away now.

It’s not really about him popping in, more then. Sounds like they’re not old enough to be at that stage yet.

I’d be reluctant to move away if they can (when they are old enough) pop in where you live now.

DubiousGoals · 05/07/2019 18:05

YANBU - we've always lived 20 mins drive away from DSD and it's never been an issue. Since she's been in secondary school she just gets the bus over some evenings as well as her contact days.

HelloImStressed · 05/07/2019 18:09

Would people really forgo a better home for their family in case they wanted to 'pop in' when they were teenagers? Madness.

My parents lived about 20 minutes from each other when I was growing up. If I wanted to see the other one then I got on the bus or they came to get me/dropped me off. It's not uncommon for exes not to live two doors down from each other their whole lives.

6timesthemess · 05/07/2019 18:09

If both your dh and the children’s mother can drive it’s not really an issue.
I don’t have a car and so 25 minutes by car is more like an hour or so by bus 😄

Goldmandra · 05/07/2019 18:11

I think if the children are going to be subjected to 50/50 which, in effect, means living between two homes, they are better off if those two homes are close together.

It's hard on older children who want to hang out with their mates in the evenings if they disappear for 50% of the time.

Your DH may find that, as they get older, they decide they want to spend more time in one house than the other so they have some stability in their friendships and home routine. Of course it may be that they decide to spend more time with you.

I get that a bigger house would be nice but there are other aspects of this decision that are also important. It's about a lot more than just the ability to drop in.

WildAngel · 05/07/2019 18:16

maybe involve the kids in the house hunting journey to get them used to the idea of it being that tiny bit further away. Taking the journey to go and see the potential properties will make everyone realise how near it actually is

Original poster

CalculateThis · 05/07/2019 18:18

Wild, absolutely I would do that.

It's more Hs reluctance to even look. If we go and it's too much, the kids don't like the idea, H doesn't come round etc .. then that's fine but I think we'd be foolish to not at least consider it and just look.

OP posts:

MyCatHatesEverybody · 05/07/2019 18:21

I would say that if the children are going to be "subjected" to 50/50 then they would massively benefit from having a room each and a garden especially as transport links are feasible. And because OP and her DH have the children an even amount of time there's no issue about them feeling rejected because their dad has moved away.

Go for it OP. You can always reassess when the kids are older.

Amibeingdaft81 · 05/07/2019 18:21

Despite the much larger property and the fact you will have a garden - your DH still wants to stay near his children
That is very compelling.
I would be sad not to have the larger property, but I would follow my DH in this regard

Unless of course the children will of an age to have a sensible opinion and they were all for it!

Baguetteaboutit · 05/07/2019 18:22

YABU. He wants to stay close to his children. When they're older, they'll have the freedom to drop in, with their friends too. They won't have to be shipped in and out of their friendship groups to maintain contact with their Dad and this will preserve their sense of belonging to one area and their relationship with their Dad through the teenage years.

PinkCrayon · 05/07/2019 18:23

Yanbu it would benefit you all so much more.

Amibeingdaft81 · 05/07/2019 18:24

If it’s down country roads then presumably not good bus service
. But great for when children older

Original poster

CalculateThis · 05/07/2019 18:33

When I say country roads I don't mean like a little lane, it's a proper road but just through countryside rather than through a town etc... There are still buses that run to and from. It's the next town over from where we are now.

OP posts:

Bluerussian · 05/07/2019 18:33

Your suggestion sounds very sensible. What's a 20 minute drive? Nothing.

Leeds2 · 05/07/2019 18:57

I don't think YABU at all.
Is DH worried about the "extra" driving? Would his Ex help with this?
How is his Ex likely to react that he is moving 20 mins away? If I were the Ex, and given it is only 20 mins, I would probably be glad!
Many, many children commute 20 mins to primary school, so I don't think distance from the school is a problem at all. Particularly if you/DH are prepared to drive them to playdates, clubs, parties etc.
Which area has potentially the better secondary schools?

JustAnotherSod · 05/07/2019 18:58

Is it 20 minutes drive, or 20 minutes drive except at rush hour - that would make a huge difference to how feasible it is.

But I agree with amibeingdaft81, despite the 'better' option, your DH wants to stay closer to his kids, that is compelling to the joint decision you have to make, you can't ignore that he is of the view that is more important to him than a bigger house and garden.

Original poster

CalculateThis · 05/07/2019 19:00

you can't ignore that he is of the view that is more important to him than a bigger house and garden

No I can't and I'm not. I'm just asking him to consider and look at the options first. I'm not asking him to put down a deposit tomorrow.

Rush hour isn't a problem, it's never busy over the top road. It's a very small town, both of them.

OP posts:

Tellmewhyidontliketuesdays · 05/07/2019 19:02

I don't think you are being unreasonable.

However as someone who lives 5 minutes from ex in properties that are less than ideal, I would say ...

We intend to stay 5 minutes apart. We are both equal distance from school and a five minute drive between homes. At the age DC are now they can't make their own way between homes and we tend to stick to planned contact times, but my thoughts are that as they get older, and certainly as teenagers they will be able to. I also think as teen-agers a 25 minute drive from their friends might put them of staying over as much.

(Sad to see criticism of the two homes/shared parenting. It's difficult to get it right. My hope is that it's the parents working together and putting kids first that makes for happy secure children)

But that said, the accommodation needs to be met your needs and what you are describing is a significant difference. So I can see your point. Also are there other DC to factor in? Or do you plan on having any together? Because then a house really makes more sense.

Also without analysing the impact it may or may not have, I would be extremely sad at the idea of being in a different town to my DC. I wouldn't want to do it.

QueenBeee · 05/07/2019 19:06

It's handy when DCs are older that their friends are nearby rather than having to run them to and from all the time. Or they can possibly walk to friends house/school so no drop offs or pick ups.

MinisterforCheekyFuckery · 05/07/2019 19:09

if children are going to be subjected to 50/50

"Subjected"? How horribly judgemental. Different families benefit from different custody arrangements and OP didn't post to ask for opinions on theirs.

lunar1 · 05/07/2019 19:11

My children spend longer than that walking to school every day. If you aren't in a high traffic area I really don't think it matters. Especially as there is no 'popping in'

Iwrotethissongfor · 05/07/2019 19:15

First thing, is it really 20 min drive only? I moved recently and it’s 20 mins drive from town when no traffic but more like 45-50 mins on weekday mornings and evenings. Even then be aware that 20 mins can have effect on family and friends visiting family and friends and evenings out etc. I have moved further out and it’s def been good move for us but it’s not that much cheaper as it’s attractive area (leafy, popular nature spot) with relatively easy commute and is in a good school catchment. Downsides are less central, more time commuting, friends and family not so nearby so less visits and as likely have to drive we/ they can’t have drink with dinner when visit each other etc. most of our family and friends don’t live in town but between 15-60 mins outside in the other direction.

My husband WFH mainly and I work PT but i wouldn’t like to commute 5 days a week and lose 1.5 half each day minimum. Plus the roads can be a nightmare come winter. Buses are ok for us but I would check this if over rural roads.

So yes even if it is only 20 mins I have noticed issues even without having kids living elsewhere (I live with my DH and DC) and wouldn’t want to move that distance away as means when they’re with you they can’t also see their friends or pop back for something they forgot, he wouldn’t bump into them locally or even just geographically feel happy being close to then! I can understand that. Do you have kids OP? What age are your husband’s?

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