Women who forget not everyone has access to money from men

[windygallows]

With 34.5% of the population aged over 16 in England ‘single and not cohabiting’ (2015 stats), it’s clear that a significant number of women in the UK, many parents, are single and having to fend for themselves/live on one income.

Yet I'm amazed at the number of women who forget that not every woman has access to a second income from a partner. In fact the privilege of having access to another’s (usually a man’s) income is often naturalized and many women are, or become, totally oblivious to this privilege.

For example just this last week I experienced:

• A woman at work going on and on about the importance of her life/work balance and suggesting I drop my hours to have similar. She works just 2 days/week and seems to forget that such a setup is an absolute privilege, thanks to a husband who works FT.

• Another woman I know who is on quite a low salary bragging about her 3 luxury holidays per year, again thanks to the income from an IT Director husband. She thought she'd give me travel tips in case I wanted to go to the same 5star holiday.

There are a million reasons why women might have to rely on men’s income but I don’t think I ABU in asking women to recognize that their lifestyle and having access to men’s money isn’t the NORM for up to 1/3 of women, who are having to get by on their own accord and lack the same privilege or financial flexibility.

PS - I mean worse financially/in terms of work that has to be done. Some people who require care for a particular section of their lives may be able to contribute in many other ways.

Not all women have relied on / "had access to a mans' money" / ever dreamed of it. Some of us are totally self sufficient, always have been, always will be. Maybe more women will choose to live alone in future, rather than become bitter or feel the need to compare holidays all paid for by a man.

I've no doubt it is much harder on one wage, we done it in DPs wage, it was a very hard time, I wasn't that I had no self respect to lean on a man, he is my partner our 2nd child was born ill.
Now I am back working, it is so much better, I don't have holidays etc.
I definitely appreciate the second wage, I have totally empathy for those struggling on one wage, as a couple or single person or single parent.

So my situation is this...in 2014 I left my wealthy husband (now ex) because he was horrifically abusive. Overnight I went from living in a five-bed exec family property to being made homeless with literally just the clothes on my back (he changed the locks within hours of me walking).
For years he had tried to stop me from working (I'm a primary teacher) as he believed it to be an insult to his masculinity and superb earning power. However, I continued to work pt while our two boys were tiny-no way was I being solely financially dependent on him.
Thank God I kept my career. When I went I had 89p in my bank account (he'd made me pay him all of my meagre wages despite himself earning in excess of £100k pa). I had two boys (age 3 and 6 to support) and needed to find somewhere to live ASAP.
My school were awesome and offered me more work - I gradually increased hours as my youngest got bigger. I privately rented a small two-bed (damp and mouldy but nonetheless a roof) and we struggled but got by. At first I went without eating much in the weeks I didn't have the kids, turned off the heating etc, but soon started to build up my money little by little.
50:50 custody was then enforced (apparently only physical abuse makes you a bad parent) so he also had to pay me zero maintenance. He also managed to take Child Benefit from me for one child (despite me earning under £15k pa initially). Financial abuse at its best.
But I am proud to say that for four years of being a lone parent I got by. No benefits except for a small amount of CTC.
I was adamant that when I met somebody else it would be someone who would not attempt again to take away my financial independence. I met a lovely man (we're now engaged and living together) who works ft, earned less than me but still gave what he could. I now also work ft and my boys are 9 and 11.
My strong advice would be to never, ever give up financial independence for anybody. You can never be 100% sure that things won't change dramatically in the blink of an eye.

@Ella1980, amazing post. Well done.

And highlights how important it is to have a career to fall back on. If you’d never worked....

Well done, Elia that's amazing. I can imagine your children will be really proud of you.

@Prince Archiestown Aw thank you for saying that. It's been a huge struggle but yes, thank goodness I kept working. I will always remember the final words of my grandad before he passed away (he became a single parent to his five children in 60's/70's as my grandmother left him for another man). He said "Well done for refusing to be controlled by someone else and for being brave enough to go it alone for the sake of your children"

@Bourbonbiccy Thank you. I still can't help but worry a bit when I see photos of them in daddy's hot tub or on wonderful holidays. But I would not for one second trade that for the life they have here every other week. Money can't buy your kids seeing a healthy, equitable relationship between two adults and two parents (step or not, it's irrelevant) who work together to give them all they can (time and attention being top of our priorities) ☺ I just pray they will see this when they are reflecting adults.

Its a massive assumption that everyone in a relationship has access to their partners finances. That's like saying well maybe you, Op, should have had children with a reliable man- without knowing the vast number of reasons you may be a single parent. I have never had joint finances with any man I have been involved with, because I believe that each person regardless of relationship status should be financially independent. Having said that, if you can't beat them, join them?!?! Maybe you should find a man whose finances you can rely on too, if that's a goal.

@Ella1980 (sorry it seemed to auto your name to Elia, apologies )

I'm absolutely sure they will, they will see you ultimately chose to do what was best for them. They still have a great life with their dad and separately a great happy life with you. Your grandad was right you were brave enough to go it alone and not stay with a controlling husband. You have moved on to show your children what a good, healthy relationship should look like, with choice and support.

I have chosen to not to return to my career as it was extremely stressful and while it was well paid, it would have taken me away from (what I consider) far too much time away from my son. I believe he is only young once and I want to be there while he does that. I believe that is what is right in my situation for my son.

I will not be returning to my career in the same way, I may not even return at all and choose a role that's fits around his schooling, but people need to realise (not you ) but every family is different and just because one chooses to stay at home does not mean they believe it to best for everyone.

And everyone who starts to bring others down due to their personal choices are all part of the problem, never mind the men causing women issues, on here, (I've never come across it in RL) you don't need to be dis-empowered by a man, there is an influx of women ready and waiting.

@Bourbonbiccy Couldn't agree with you more! I'm a qualified teacher currently working as a ft 1:1 SEN TA. The pay is not great but we get by and most importantly in the weeks we have the kids I'm not working every evening and barely seeing them. However, I did once dare on MN to say I someimes feel envious of people that can afford a summer holiday and I was made to feel totally rubbish - told I had serioys MH for disliking my ex / to "get a better job as I have far greater earning capacity" / "get two jobs" / don't complain if I chose a man who is a low earner etc... So pleased you understand that there are some things you can't buy but at the same time it's not always easy getting by!

OP I think you have a tone / attitude that rubs people up the wrong way (perhaps deliberate?) & stops them seeing some of the points you make.

The thing is people have easier more privileged lives than others & you can choose how to respond to it. I have a disabled child - all of our savings gone as a result. No holidays as a result. And only 1 adult income as a result. You could look at us all resentful about how we have the luxury to have a stay at home parent & I guess in part that’s fair - lots do have it much harder than us, but becoming bitter & resentful that others have more than you / an easier time than you will just eat you up.

I bet you can go out for a meal without having to try & find specialist childcare who can handle medical emergencies? (Not actually possible for me). So should I be annoyed any time couples talk about date nights etc? Or weekends away without the kids?

It’s ok to want what others have but don’t let it turn you in to a resentful bitter person.

YABU because you are looking at it from a viewpoint of jealousy and a covetous attitude.

I don't mean that as an insult, just an observation.

I could easily be one of those women: I work 30 hours a week and thanks to my DH have 4 holidays a year and numerous adventures throughout the year but here's the thing: we haven't always had money.

We raised 6 children: my husband is older than me with 3 DC with ex wife who had a nervous breakdown so at age 26 I ended up with 6 children under 10 working nights on an acute medical ward.... the strain of this situation (which is more than I can write here) led me to serious health problems.

We often didn't have a pot to piss in, couldn't afford clothes, holidays or even food some days and we even found ourselves homeless on one occasion. (Long story)

I also paid for everything for the first 10 years and continued to pull my weight over the next 10 so I've paid my way thank you very much.

I'm now in a nicer job with less hours and money, but hubs now works for himself with less stress and more money and all but 2 of the kids have left home.

As far as I'm concerned we've EARNED a better life because god knows the last 20 years have been beyond difficult.

Bottom line: you don't know what people have been through or how they manage their money to get the things they have: we still have less money than my colleagues but unlike them, we know how to budget properly and get the most bang for our buck.

In short, pay more attention to your life and less attention to others. You will be happier for it.

never mind the men causing women issues, on here, (I've never come across it in RL) you don't need to be dis-empowered by a man, there is an influx of women ready and waiting

Yep And on more than just this subject.

The funniest is that these women often actually think THEY are poor, even economical.Years ago I went round to a rich friend who has two houses, full-time Nanny,several holidays a year (I just have to have the sun in my bones),husband is a hedge fund manager.
I mentioned how much I liked the new liquorice pig teabags.She looked at me in genuine amazement "But they're dreadfully expensive arn't they ?" .It was on the tip of my tongue to retort "Yes, I.ve really broken the bank"

I haven’t read all the pp but I do think they’re bragging. They know they’re privileged and just want to rub your face in it.

I was a single woman running a household until I met DH. I think few married women have actually lived alone and supported themselves and take for granted that someone will pay half the bills!

We raised 6 children my husband is older than me with 3 DC with ex wife who had a nervous breakdown so at age 26 I ended up with 6 children under 10 working nights on an acute medical ward
Your husband, having chosen to start a second family and father 6 kids, should have dealt with that not you.
I also paid for everything for the first 10 years
What exactly did he contribute? I'd have left tbh

What exactly did he contribute? I'd have left tbh
He probably would have happily carried your bags out the door with your attitude.

What happened to a marriage being a partnership, when one is down on their luck, you pull together and work at it together, not just leave as his earnings have dropped.

Very sad attitudes of people on this thread.

So what happens to the people with wealthy parents who help them out, can they not talk about their lives either or is it just if its your husband ?

So much for the saying, "No man is an island, Entire of itself." According to some people on this thread, every human being should be an isolated little island of imagined self-sufficiency, reliant on nothing and nobody for anything, and utterly intolerant of anyone reliant on them. It's like knowing the price of everything and the value of nothing.

walkaround that sounds ideal. Encouraging financial self-sufficiency is no bad thing. Focus on yourself first and build the life you want, then think about how others fit into that. Having a lifestyle you’re entirely or partially reliant on someone else to fund is foolishness. They might not always be around to fund it. Equally being the person with sole financial responsibility isn’t good either - how many other bits (like actual parenting, as we see frequently on here) do they opt out of, leading to an unhealthy power dynamic? When do they get a break? What if they want to opt out of financial obligations as their partner has done and reverse the roles, but they can’t because the partner has sabotaged their own earning power? Responsibilities should be shared equally

But if you don't let anyone into your life, and God forbid something happens to you , and you can no longer earn, what then happens then?

Or are people suggesting you should only have children when you are financially secure enough to never work again if something happened ?

dodgeballchamp - yeah, right. How many people do you know who do not buy a house unless they could afford it on only income, even though they could easily afford it on combined incomes; who do not go on holidays unless they could be afforded by just one income; don't take on any commitments hatsoever unless the whole lot could be covered by just one of them - even though together, they can easily afford all this and save for the future, and insure themselves against unfortunate eventualities? I can count the people who do that on the fingers of no hands.