AIBU? Leaving DC for work

[MumApr18]

I work remotely for a company that has a head office 600 miles away. My DC is 15 months (returned from mat leave 5 months ago).
AIBU unreasonable making excuses to not fly down to head office for meetings etc?

The minimum time I would be away is 5am-11pm and, ideally, they want me staying overnight. Up until now I've made excuses not to go but I'm running out of them now. There are the practical considerations like childcare etc (he has nursery/family during the day but I am responsible for pick ups and drop offs as DH starts/finishes work too early). But also, importantly, I actually just don't want to leave my DC that long! Also, I have mega anxiety about being away in case something bad happens. Would IBU to just say to them that I'm not comfortable being that far away from my child until he is older?

YABU if that’s part of the job then you either need to do it or consider changing jobs. You can’t just tell them your not doing part of the job.

@Sirzy - nope, it not essential. All my clients and work load is here. It's for team meetings and team building events - I've been dialling into the team meetings so far which has worked well.

I think you realistically need to look at your anxiety. Whilst i understand your childcare issues, this is when DH needs to step up and sort his work around your trips away. I don't think it's unreasonable that you are expected to show face once in a while.

Sorry but you should be attending in person every now and again.

@combatbarbie yes, that's the crux of it I think - "showing face". But then, really, thinking about it rationally, should I be expected to travel for 8 hours unpaid outside of work hours to be in an office for 3/4 hours to "show face", regardless of DC? I'm torn.

I think it's fine, as long as your company agree. I don't think you can consider it to be a long term option, but I don't think it's unreasonable to need a bit of time before you feel comfortable with it.

@Spam88 - yes it's about a balance I think. My bosses words were "if I had any concerns about your work I would insist you came down or come to see you".

If it isn't essential or you don't think you have to be there why are you 'running out of excuses' to not attend.

You can try the conversation with your work but I don't think it's particularly reasonable to not go up occasionally. Also be aware of the impact it will have on your career. Yes it shouldn't but it of course will affect it. He's old enough to be with his dad for a night and I'd be wanting support from him.

If that is what the company requires you to do then yes, I think you should do it. It sounds like a really flexible job mostly so don’t take the piss by not going up now and again. Your 15 month will be absolutely fine so it’s your head you need to get in gear to do it. Otherwise the company may take a very dim view (as a manager I certainly would if you weren’t prepared to come up for team meetings and team building events even if you don’t think it’s strictly necessary). I agree that not everyone needs to be in the office all day ever day but being in person now and again is important for a team.

I think YABU. If it's a few times a year, an overnight to connect with head office colleagues is perfectly reasonable. 15 months is not a tiny baby anymore, your DH will cope.

I've had to travel away from DCs for work as have many of my friends, much further away and for longer than one night. I even did it when babies were under 12 months and spent the whole trip finding time to express milk which was a huge faff. So if your partner and other childcare/family/support network are reliable then you and baby hould be absolutely fine.

@motherheroic - I feel like I'm being silently judged as "that mum". My company is very male driven and I feel like, even though they aren't saying anything, they will be judging.

@NeatFreakMama Yes, I agree about DH. To be fair he would manage for the night, and has done previously. No worries on that front - I think it's more my own worries, and stubbornness.

What I haven't told them yet is that DC2 is on the way!

@edgeofheaven. Huge respect to you! I think that's what has put me off a bit as I did a KIT day where I flew down and stayed overnight and with the milk expressing and storing etc it was just a horrible horrible experience. No one at my work had breastfed before and I just felt humiliated and judged.

If your not being paid for travel id arrange the travel in work time, most of it anyway so if that means 48hrs away then so be it.

@thewinkingprawn yes, that's very sensible. I guess I'm not saying I won't ever go - just that I don't want to right now. I guess I'm prioritising my time with DC over work but...is that really a bad thing?

Unpaid travel time is taking the piss. Otherwise though I think I'd start making plans to attend one or two of these. If you don't, I wouldn't say it's because you don't want to be away from dc but that you have other commitments - or whatever marke colleagues say when they aren't attending.

^male colleagues, that should say

I think YABU.
I work remotely, have to travel away from my child (since 13 months).
I think that level of anxiety is unusual, and worth looking at.
I think your husband should be stepping up - for occasional trips, he should book time off if he can’t adjust his hours on that day.
I think that formal team building IS worth doing, and informally working relationship building is really helped by time spent physically together.

There’s a balance of not going far more than necessary, so I’m not saying you should go whenever they say - but YABU for trying to rule it out altogether.

The comment about unpaid travel... sounds a bit jobsworth. Did you have a problem with it before? I don’t get paid travel time by the hour, but I was recruited to a role where some travel would get expected and I made my choice whether the salary expected that. I certainly can’t take lieu time hour for hour, but if I’ve worked away all week and informally knock off at 4pm on Friday, it’s acceptable. So it depends whether you think your company is fair “overall”. If you found it acceptable BEFORE then you probably don’t really think that now, you’re just latching onto it because you don’t want to go.

How often are these meetings?

@Ellisandra Yes, you're right. I'm not ruling it out entirely, just don't want to go unnecessarily. For example, the last team meeting I dialed in for was basically a waste of time. Pre child it was a running joke of how pointless all the travelling was for me just to be there for that.
The issue with "unpaid" travel time, I guess I should rephrase and say that I just grudge it being assumed that travelling outside work is ok with me - pre child I used to leave at 5am one and day and not be home until 11pm the next day and, you're right, I didn't give it a second thought. But now I have priorities at home. Yes DH would easily cope but....I just want to see my kid lol. Working FT already means time with him is in short supply, and I'm torn up about that.

@CloudRusting If it was up to them I would be down once a month with quarterly team building. Pre kids I would go once a quarter altogether as it was generally accepted that the cost to the company of flights/accommodation etc was too much.

Be honest with yourself: are you checking out mentally because you’re pregnant again and will be on maternity leave again fairly soon?

It’s really not an unreasonable request from them.

Why do you feel judged for being a mum? Has someone actually done something to make you feel that, or is it coming from inside because you are changing your own work behaviour (wanting to avoid short occasional overnights) because you’re a mum?

YABU- your husband needs to step up. It sounds like he didn't change his working environment one bit since having children, and now you are at the point where you are missing team building events because of nursery drop off.

1-2 days away is nothing. You will be billed as 'the mum' because you are acting like you couldn't possibly step away. It isn't just a matter for women to solve on their own. They need male partners to start declining things and moving their schedules for their children to normalise it.

This is 100% based on your anxiety and not wanting to go. FaceTime and team building are super important. Do you think any of your male colleagues who are fathers would hesitate to go? Your child won't be young forever, and you will find your career has stalled because you didn't invest in very minor things they have asked of you.

Well I think this boils down to how much you actually value your job. Jobs that you can do remotely are like hens teeth. Asking one day a month for you to be gone for the day in return once a month max is not really a big ask.

If you feel your workplace is not understanding of working mums then tbh you are massively amplifying that if you refuse to do this small bit of (pre existing) travel because you cannot bear to be apart from your child one day a month.

By all means speak to your boss but I really would not tag in the way youve described. Talk about budgets, best use of time and maybe seek to do the quarterly data but not that you cannot bear to leave a 15m old for one day because they absolutely will judge you for that. And if you intend to come back post DC2 that will harm you.

Once a quarter isn’t unreasonable at all.
It’s not too much to leave your child either - as you say, it does sound like that’s about the difficulty of working and parenting in general.

Are you in a social circle where this is unusual? Amongst my “mummy friends” (who are my daughter’s friends’ mums) there are a few of us who travel. The kids find it normal, we find it normal. So probably helps us all!

If you’re going quarterly now, and you’re pregnant then you only have 2-3 more to do. I’d just get on with it.

Re milk... I travelled from 13 months (more than one night at a time) and was still feeding at 4 years. I never bothered with storing - just pump and dump to maintain supply. You might want to think about it that would work for you? As she got older I didn’t really mind about supply, so would only pump and dump on longer trips when it was for my comfort.