AIBU? Leaving DC for work

[MumApr18]

I work remotely for a company that has a head office 600 miles away. My DC is 15 months (returned from mat leave 5 months ago).
AIBU unreasonable making excuses to not fly down to head office for meetings etc?

The minimum time I would be away is 5am-11pm and, ideally, they want me staying overnight. Up until now I've made excuses not to go but I'm running out of them now. There are the practical considerations like childcare etc (he has nursery/family during the day but I am responsible for pick ups and drop offs as DH starts/finishes work too early). But also, importantly, I actually just don't want to leave my DC that long! Also, I have mega anxiety about being away in case something bad happens. Would IBU to just say to them that I'm not comfortable being that far away from my child until he is older?

So then don’t. So sad people feel they have to put their jobs first for fear that colleagues will judge them. Chances are you’ll never see these people again if you leave your job.

YABU a little bit I am afraid.

I have been there, so you have all my sympathy. I just don't believe we should expect to have it all: same level, same pay than before but putting a lot of adjustments because you have had a baby. I honestly think that attitude brings us down, because look: she had a baby and she doesn't want to do the same job.

I would use other arguments, first of all demanding to be actually paid which is only reasonable, then showing that it would be cheaper for the business to cut down on unnecessary trips.

I went for the "easy" option and did the trips.

the poster who pretend it's unusual to feel anxiety to be separated from your baby hasn't got a clue.
I don't even like being in a different country than mine and the youngest is in Primary school now!

twosoups
The issue with that response is op is more likely to be pushed out of her job eventually if she never shows her face. Does that matter? Well it won’t if she manages to bag a job, where she sees her dcs the same amount as she does. But there are no guarantees. And she may only find she has the choice between a job with low pay or another with travel.

Are you or anyone else going to offer to pay ops mortgage and bills? She says she needs to work and working is putting her child first.

YABU if it is part of the job you either do the requirements of the job or you find another one.

I have a toddler and I work full time in a senior management role. It's difficult being away from my child but its also very rewarding. Only last week I had to do 2 full days and an over night in london. I also got home too late for bedtime on the second night.

I actually love my job so whilst it was hard being away from my child,its part and parcel of what I do.

You may find you enjoy it.

Yabu but I sympathise, my team is split across the north and London and sometimes external meetings are down there too.

I'm afraid if it's expected you just have to either get on with it and go as infrequently as you feel you can get away with, and suck it up the rest of the time. I only go when it's really essential, or to check in with my team for the sake of it, so usually just once a month. I'm middle management in the civil service, and most roles in my department require some level of travel like this.

Not ideal with a young family but the reality of being a working parent.

I've only been back at work 12 weeks and DD is 11 months old, I've been away 3 times and and there's been countless times where I haven't been back before bedtime. She has 2 parents though so it's not a problem.

@PleaseGoogleIt I get what you're saying, and DH is more than capable but it's for my own sake - I want to see my kid!

But you do see your kid? You see your kid every single day, so a night away every so often really isn't the end of the world. Your DH also might like the one on one time.

As you say in your post, it's the anxiety about something bad happening so maybe you should look into that more with a GP or something? I also fret when I'm away but I don't let it get in the way (also would be impossible, my job requires a lot of travel).

I'd be worrying that from your employer's POV, they'd be viewing me as shirking some responsibility.

@PleaseGoogleIt I think it's my own personal priorities - for me, being able to put my child to bed each night, and cook him a nice meal and spend some quality time is more important than a 3 or 4 hour meeting which could just as easily be done over the phone. I think if I really started to get bad vibes or worry that my employer thought I was shirking my duties, I would begrudgingly go, but, to be honest, as long as I'm performing (which I am), I largely get left to my own devices.
On the anxiety side - I don't think it's a GP matter. I think it's very normal to worry about your children, whether you are 1 or 1000 miles away from them. It wouldn't stop me travelling if I felt the travelling wasn't for a trivial reason. I think I would be abnormal if I didn't worry!

Another saying YABU here.
If this is part of your job, and that is what remote workers are expected to do once in a while, then it is part of your job. You can't opt out of doing bits you don't like and expect to still be employed in that role.
My dh has to go abroad occasionally with his work - it is arranged for when those occasions are, not when he 'fancies going'. He has always coped fine with being parted from his dc, because he knows he is one of two pretty competent parents.

I get that you don’t want to go. 15 months is still young.

However, I think that it’s reasonable if work to expect to see you occasionally and that you’re jeopardising a good deal with not having a commute the rest of the time?

If you think that most people travel to work, you’re just saving all of your stuff up for one big busy day.

You never know, you might like the time away

OP, do the minimum you can get away with to keep your job safe.

OP, do the minimum you can get away with to keep your job safe.

Then people complain about companies who prefer not to hire women of child bearing age

YABVVVU, you should not be in the job if you don't want to do it.
men don't do this, we are equal now, we won.
Go to your meetings and do your job properly, a man wouldn't question this, he'd leave dc with his partner/ childcare

I get what you're saying, and DH is more than capable but it's for my own sake - I want to see my kid!

This puts feminism back 40 years. How
Lots of women and men want to spend time with their dc, they have to fit around work or find another job.

I am in a similar situation except I travel to lots of different bases all over UK. We turn work trips into mini holidays so for example if I have to go to a particular city and will have to stay over we book for my husband and 2 kids to come too which obviously we pay for - work pays for what Was necessary for me for the work trip and then we add them on/top it up. Usually do it so that say my meeting is on a Friday and then we get the weekend there or similar. Our circumstances mean we don’t go on big holidays and we haven’t been abroad since our honeymoon so it’s nice to go on these little trips too and also takes the pressure off both of us to rush around singlehandedly. Could you try that?

What rubbish @Kashali What’s really sad is that women feel they have to prove themselves at work when they’d rather be with their child. And it’s really sad that being a parent at home isn’t valued when it really should be.

No, Kashali is right.
Of course people would rather not do various bits of their jobs they don't particularly like, but it is what it is - Part of your job.

You can start a separate bunfight about staying at home vs WOTH if you wish, but that isn't what the OP is saying. She is saying "Is it OK for me not to do part of my job because I don't really want to?". the answer is no. that applies if you are single, early on in a relationship / if you are a mother / if you are a father / if you don't want to leave your new puppy / if you are caring for an elderly relative / if you are part of a sports team or orchestra or something. Of course she shouldn't be treated differently because she is a woman - we (or previous generations) have fought hard to get to the position where we aren't treated differently.

Thanks for all the comments - some interesting perspectives. Just want to clarify that my job DOESN'T depend on this travel - I will still keep my job quite comfortably if I don't do it.

Well in that case OP, it’s a no brainer. Don’t go if you don’t feel comfortable and don’t worry about it.

As you said they would rather you stay overnight (I am assuming this is because of cheaper flights/more awake staff in the meetings rather than wanting you to attend additional meetings in the evening) would it be possible for your DH and child to go with you and you extend the trip - DH have the child during the day while you go to your meetings and then you all spend time in a different place in the evening and next day - then fly home the next afternoon?

@iolaus I have thought about that but practically I don't think it would work as my office is quite rural and with no car after flights (a colleague usually picks me up from the airport - no car seat etc) the whole thing could be a bit of a pain for not much gain.