AIBU? Leaving DC for work

[MumApr18]

I work remotely for a company that has a head office 600 miles away. My DC is 15 months (returned from mat leave 5 months ago).
AIBU unreasonable making excuses to not fly down to head office for meetings etc?

The minimum time I would be away is 5am-11pm and, ideally, they want me staying overnight. Up until now I've made excuses not to go but I'm running out of them now. There are the practical considerations like childcare etc (he has nursery/family during the day but I am responsible for pick ups and drop offs as DH starts/finishes work too early). But also, importantly, I actually just don't want to leave my DC that long! Also, I have mega anxiety about being away in case something bad happens. Would IBU to just say to them that I'm not comfortable being that far away from my child until he is older?

I'd make an effort to go once every 4 months or so.

My anxiety is high too but planning it out in advance with structure but a flexible return flight and finding out when each flight home is between you landing and your actual flight home would enable you to relax a little when away. Then if something were to happen, you could leave immediately,

@Ellisandra Yes - there's a woman in a different part of the umbrella company who has taken 3 short spaced mat leaves and she's spoken about like dirt. I do enjoy my job and don't want to be spoken about like that.

I know that anxiety OP - felt it with DD and still do now she's nearly 13. Even if your work say it's not a problem it may be. The best idea is probably to go once a quarter and don't stay overnight. You may find that, once you bite the bullet, it's actually nice to see people, it's not long and your DH can do one day. Good luck 💐

@Ellisandra sorry meant to reply to your next comment! Out of my friends circle I'm the only one that has returned full time (guilt lol) let alone involving travel. I'm finding getting a balance really hard as I was a top performer in my job, and still am, but I know my mind is sometimes elsewhere.

Is four times a year that much? How about going for the next two quarterly meetings then missing the next out for example. It’s a bloody long way, yes but unless you’re prepared to ultimately lose your job, you do need to show face. Your dh should be able to accommodate four days during the rest of this year.

You are 100% right @CloudRusting. Deep down I know you are and, if it was anyone else I would think the same. Tbh if I didn't have to work, I wouldn't. Should have just married a millionaire or won the lottery or something.

Op I have the same dilemma too! Have to go to Switzerland next month for a client meeting and I'm dreading it! DS is 2.5 years old and I've never left him on his own before!!

OP you say you wouldn't work if you didn't have to, then it sounds line you don't value your job as much as you think.

Personally I would listen to your instincts, if you don't feel comfortable about leaving your dc then don't. So much time is wasted in meetings anyway and cost companies a lot of money.

You can’t have it both ways, if you want a job that is working from home, presumably salaried which is why you travel in your own time then of course you have to have the occasional night away.

I chose to work locally, reduced hours and get very low wages ... but no expectations to stay away - I made a choice.

Rightly or wrongly you will be judged if you don’t pull your weight in the team, it’s not just about leaving your child, my DH has to attend a social event tomorrow (Sat) miles away from home, he doesn’t want to go (not because we have a young child but because he doesn’t want to give up his weekend ) but he fully understands that participation in social, team building events is ‘expected’ of him and he just gets on with it.

Well if your boss is happy it's up to you. But a few times a year meeting up with colleagues and managers is standard when working remotely. I would imagine you're not the only one with children.

@DonkeyHohtay I am actually, and the only woman, fun eh?

But even if you are the only parent, you have to recognise that part of the job is travel. You can't pick and choose what bits you do. And tbh this anxiety about being away and something awful happening isn't normal way of thinking.

In your shoes I'd be sucking it up, going to the meeting and leaving your child in the capable hands of their father.

You need to weigh the risks. What is likely to happen if you say no? They might just get used to it and accept it, no issues? Or they might start judging you that you are taking the p* and that your anxiety at leaving your child shouldn't affect your work. This mighr lead to issues with colleagues/superiors, possibly to the point of making it a stressful situation.

Only you can assess what is likely to happen and how much you care keeping this job.

Imagine if a man said he couldn’t go to his head office once a quarter as he didn’t want to leave his small child. I just don’t think it would happen. By taking this stance you are disadvantaging your future career as you are marking yourself out as less committed than others in the workforce. Lots of management meetings, team building events etc can feel a bit pointless compared to the ‘real’ work but attending, networking, making a rounded contribution are generally part of an overall role and how you progress through an organisation.

@mysteryfairy I'm starting to think I may actually be less committed  the thing is, I suppose, is that no one else in the company needs to put in the travel time to get to these meetings etc.

@swingofthings Yes, I don't think I would be sacked for not attending these meetings - my boss is fairly easy going and has said so far it's fine but I just always have in the back of my mind that he's not saying what he actually thinks.

Few people in my team have to travel as far as me for team events (I live bloody miles from an airport with limited flights - we all finish at at 17:00, with the time difference they’re home at 19:30, I’m home at 13:00 )

But here’s some of what I gain:

• much lower mortgage than them, on sane salary
• working from home some days where my commute is 20 seconds down the stairs

It’s often not a fair comparison!

If you are intending on a lengthy second maternity leave then actually that is a very strong reason to go now. Otherwise some of your colleagues will hardly have seen you, if at all, in three years.

And yes maybe nobody else has to travel but that is because you work remotely and don’t have to go into the office the other 21 working days a long th.

Tbh it sounds like you’ve mentally checked out of your job since having a child and having another isn’t really going to improve that so it might be best to consider your options long term.

I have a role which involves travel, pre baby it was up to 40% but now it’s more as and when required for conferences and customer face to face. I have accepted personally that my career is going on hold for a few years and I won’t be progressing significantly for a while BUT I don’t want to lose the effort I have put in for over a decade at the company and I do want to maintain a balance of showing I am committed and willing, so for me that is occasional travel. I will be away 4 nights soon and feel very anxious (transatlantic trip) but it’s just part of my life and has been for a long time and to give my family what I want to in the future I have to keep one foot on the ladder.
If I were you I would pick one of the meetings to attend where I could perhaps link it in with 121’s or training or anything like that, just to get my times worth and show willing, I would definitely do this before announcing my maternity plans. However I’m keen to keep my place in the company, if you are not bothered long term and it doesn’t sound like you are (and doesn’t sound like you enjoy the environment and culture either) then I would tell them about the pregnancy and say due to that you only really want to travel when absolutely necessary.
There’s no point feeling guilty or worried about what people in the office think about you if you don’t actually enjoy working in that team, you probably need to work out your long term goals and then adjust your work attitude accordingly

I flew to another part of the UK for a meeting whilst I had a child in nursery (Dad collected) and one in Reception. Tbh I enjoyed the day and the experience and felt good after I’d done it.
I don’t think you need to worry if it’s now and again, they sound pretty flexible employers anyway.

I dont think you're unreasonable. My circumstances are slightly different because when I went back to work after adoption leave I was supposed to be returning to my secondment but my "parent" department pulled me back. I told them my only condition was that I see my child every day. I work very flexibly and make it back in time for bedtime every night. I sometimes need to travel from London to our HQ in the Midlands but i am very clear that i wont stay there later than 2pm because otherwise I wont see my son.

If it is not an essential part of your role I would work with them to find alternatives.

I should add that my travel time is included as part of my working day and they find my travel....so they've pretty much decided I dont need to travel because it's not worth them forking out £150 on train tickets plus a full days salary to get me for 3 hours in the Midlands office.

It must be so hard to have to leave your child for work.

Women have long campaigned and now rightly expect equality in the workplace so, aside from statutory maternity rights, to then expect special treatment such as this because you have a child is unreasonable. And once a quarter is hardly that much of an ask surely?

Sadly, I don't think you can have it both ways.

(For a moment I thought you might be my "remote" colleague, except there's no flying involved and she loves getting away from her young kids for a night!)

Thanks everyone - a mixed bag of responses! I think @StCharlotte makes such a good point. Woman have long campaigned for equality and, now we have it, sometimes it just isn't practical or what we want!
I think it's a bit harsh to say I've completely mentally checked out - I'm still performing and very much engaged with the workplace, but I don't think I have the drive I used to, I'll admit that. If I had the option to be a SAHM, I would jump without a second thought. I feel like my motivation for working is now really just to earn cash to support DC, career development is on hold for now.
Those who have made the point that I should probably go now before another mat leave are right - I hadn't thought about it like that.

I think I'm just going to have to suck it up, and try and go next quarter and try to make the best of it.

If they judge, then let them judge. They’re wrong. You’re putting your child first and more Poole should do that.

Thanks @twosoups1972. I've come to realise I maybe am being a bit unreasonable but the bottom line is my gut says I shouldn't spend any more time anyway from DC than I already have to.