An allegation of assault

[Munkeemummee]

I need a sense of perspective here. So please help me, but please also be gentle with me.. it’s been a tough week with other unrelated horrid stuff.
So, I received an email from a parent that said that my daughter had “pinned” her daughter “up by the throat and tried to throttle her” against a wall in school. This was then confirmed by “several mothers”. According to the email.
My daughter has been telling me for the last three months that this child has been systematically bullying her.
Numerous complaints have been made (by my daughter) to the school. It includes minor stuff like.. she gave me her pencil and told everyone that I stole it. That kind of petty, unprovable stuff. But it happens daily.
So, after I received the email from the mother, we spent the entire weekend traumatised. My daughter specifically. She cried the entire weekend believing that this girl’s “lies” would get her expelled. We were led to believe that a clique of girls were backing up and holding this story together.
I know this sounds a bit rubbish, but I know my daughter. She can be fiery, she can be horrid..like all of us can. but she would never do this. I trusted her.

So.. on the Monday morning, the school interrogated every girl and they all confessed that it didnt happen. The girl in question said that it did. By lunchtime she finally admitted that it didn’t.

Everyone’s happy... my daughter isn’t the, about to be an expelled psycho, out to kill her classmates that she was accused of being.

However, we aren’t.

She’s been traumatised by it. Like every adult that is falsely accused of some terrible crime.

I really don’t expect this girl’s head to be put on a spike.. I know that she must come from some pretty messed up stock.. but how do we cope? How do we heal from such an awful and very flippant allegation?

PS the mother has been informed that her daughter was lying.. funnily enough no apology has been forthcoming.

Sorry, thank you for taking the time to read this

Goodness that’s awful and horrid bullying for your poor daughter.
I would be asking the school what action is being taken against the girl and what is being put in place to protect your daughter going forward. Hugs to you

How horrible for your girl. I would probably ignore the mother - she was wrong to email you in the first place - but talk to the school. I think with this confirmed story, the little things from the past months (pencil etc) may now all fall into place and be taken seriously as it does add up. Your poor daughter.

I'd want a meeting with the school to discuss what's going to be done to support your daughter, who has been upset about things for a while but is now reeling thanks to this incident in particular.

And I'd block the mother of this awful child, too.

All schools are inclusive. So... the girl has “been dealt with” I don’t actually know what that meant . We have expressed our concerns and we have been told that they will be kept apart.
But it’s more the angst... you know... the indignation and vulnerability.
False allegations like this destroy lives.. whether they are 10 of 70..

All due respect but you are catastrophising and this isn’t helpful for your daughter. You’ve used words like “destroying lives” and “Psycho about to kill her classmates like she was made out to be” when actually she was accused wrongly of bullying. Bit nice but NOT the end of the world and she may we’ll be upset but I highly doubt she is traumatised.
How old are these girls and what are the school actually doing about it all. Ask to see their Bullying policy and get a meeting arranged to discuss the next steps.
And calm the fuck down.

Girls can be nasty and it doesn't get any easier as they get older! Reassure your daughter and get a meeting asap with school, hammer it home how she is feeling. I'd be letting my close friends from school know what has been happening, it's probably not just your daughter who has been targeted. It will be soon be the summer holidays so get it sorted before then and enjoy the break.

I'd go back to the school and income then you want a detailed plan in place as to how they intend to 'deal' with this girl and her friends and what safe guards will be put in place for your daughter.
If still unsatisfied then go to the next level above the head teacher with your complaint

I would firstly be asking the school how the mother got your email address and could they kindly request that she reframes from contacting you in future. I would then want to know how they are going to support your daughter with the bullying from this girl that has been left unresolved despite previous issues and is now escalating to what could be quite major allegations. Flip the tables and put it back on the school to get things right and prove that they have a suitable plan. This also helps establish the girl as the real bully and not your daughter

She wasn’t accused of bullying.. she was accused of “grabbed her by the throat, pinned her against the wall and tried to throttle her”..
That’s an allegation of assault. Attempted gBH or whatever the terms are..
If an adult had said this about another adult there would be serious consequences. Perverting the course of justice, wasting police time, etc.
There are bound to be emotions that the victim of a false allegation feels..
Why do you believe that a child, faced with the impact of expulsion and possible police involvement, (the school would involve the police) would not feel traumatised?

How old are they? And have you requested a meeting? Your daughter knew she had done nothing wrong and your role was to reassure her that the truth would come out and you would support her through that all regardless of what it took. I feel you are being really quite OTT about it all and she will be feeding off your emotive reactions and making it more of a drama than necessary. That weekend spent “traumatised” was not necessary as the truth did indeed come out... so all this now is also similarly pointless and actually even more harmful for your daughter.
I think her age is relevant too- are we talking primary or secondary ?

“My job” was to find out the truth. To make my daughter responsible and culpable if she had lost control. Every person has the ability to lose control and make stupid decisions. My job wasn’t to blindly agree that this hadn’t happened. I was told that several girls had witnessed this incident and their mothers had contacted the mother of the alleged victim to confirm it. Actually, I was being a responsible mother by trying to find out the truth. I am happy to totally disagree with you on that point.
I would also like to point out that I asked for advice on here.. my question was placed on here. She has not read it. She knows nothing about it.
I am a mother of many years of experience with many children.
You have made an incredible assumption about how I have dealt with her. That’s very naive and presumptuous of you.
Have you not considered the fact that I may have resorted to here for objective opinion, rather than criticism about how you think I have handled it.
She is in year 7 approaching year 8.
Yes, as I have mentioned above, we have been in contact with the school.

I think the most important thing is your daughter knows you believe her and will support her. The rest will have no long term effect if you don’t make an issue of it.

In your shoes, I would email the mother back, tell her that her daughter lied, and you expect her daughter to apologize. You probably won’t hear back, but she needs to see that. Bc your daughter.

Do you love drama OP?

Your daughter was wrongly accused and the school is now dealing with the accuser.

Move on, and stop all the drama lama shite.

This is a horrible thing to have happened and I absolutely understand that you are angry and upset, but I think there is a real danger your approach to this will be causing your daughter more anxiety than she already feels.

Using language like ‘false allegations destroy lives’ and ‘perverting the course of justice’ are hugely sensationalist, and very likely to leave your daughter feeling even more vulnerable and agitated. I don’t know if you have talked about the incident in these terms to her, but if so I think you need to stop. Discussing this as though it is an allegation of criminal behaviour will only frighten her.

I think you need to reassure your daughter that she has done the right thing and that she has been understood and taken seriously by the school. Even if you (understandably) feel there is much more they could and should have done, I think you should try to help your daughter get to a place where she knows she was believed and that everyone understands that she didn’t do this and wouldn’t ever do it.

Separately, I think it’s fine if you want the school to offer more concrete solutions as to how they are going to protect your daughter from any future bullying from the other child, and I would press that with them. It’s good that they will be kept apart, but if there is more you want to see done (and your requests are reasonable), explain this to the school and push for them to accommodate you.

I would also block the other girl’s mother from contacting you, it’s completely inappropriate for her to be doing so under the circumstances.

Well I would say with your current attitude you're unlikely to get where you want to or need to. I'm a qualified youth worker and social work professional who gave you (what I consider to be) good advice on how to proceed with the school in a very real way to move forward and start improving school for your daughter. Instead you've picked up on me calling what you're daughter was accused of bullying. Criminally yes it should be considered assault but within a school they would be using their anti-bullying policy. I get that you're angry but that anger is clouding you're judgement on getting practical measures put in place by the school. You say you dont want the girl's head on a spike but you're actually too angry right now to see a way forward. Can I ask what you plan to do? You've had a lot of good advice but jump on posters and criticise any small thing that isn't 100% what you want. This attitude is likely go get you running in circles arguing the use of language with the school without any real change ever happening which would be a real shame because you actually have a serious incident here that could help you're daughter highlight the BULLYING she has been subject to.

I’m with you op I’d be fuming.
Doesn’t seem like the school are that bothered. I’d want to know what they are doing to the girl and her cronies that backed her up, I’d want an apology from them all to your daughter, and I’d email the mother and tell her to fuck off.
‘Being dealt with ‘ my arse.

Who are these other mothers? I think the school needs to have a very serious word with them...

OK. I've been in a similar situation. Ignore the other child but get on to the school and make sure they have a proper plan in place to support your daughter. Make sure that all the staff in the school have been made aware, not just the ones that teach your daughter so whoever the other girl may make complaints to knows there is a back story. Make sure your daughter has a named member of staff - one she trusts, not one imposed by the school, that she can talk to if she is upset.

OK, I've been in a similar position to you with my DD who is the same age. Like you I was very annoyed that my child was put through the worry and upset that a false allegation brings.
However, due to all manner of rules, regulations, and privacy, when the school investigated, they apologised to DD (which I felt was the most important thing). They did not, and quite rightly so, tell me what action they took on the other children involved.
I was told the same as yourself, nothing more.

It sounds like you lack faith and trust in the school, I can see why, as it sounds very much like they have let your DD down. At that point you have two options: try and resolve it via an official complaint and go through the stages of need be, or move school.

I think it's hard on here because you've been given some good advice (and some not so nice remarks granted), but you are coming across as quite hard work and attitudes like that can cause schools, and here, to close off and see you as an overprotective, hysterical mum.

You need to protect your DD, but you also need to stay calm and reassure her that you have faith that school will deal with it. You need to pick your battles, simply.

I would make it clear to DD that this was very wrong, and that this experience is the red flag she ensures she stays totally clear of these girls, as in not engaging with them at all. You say that she can be fiery and horrid like all of us, I find this comment odd.. My kids are definitely neither of these and never had once a problem at a hool. They learned to stay away from trouble.

If your DD is still shaken up by the event, and understandably so as the fear of possible expulsion for something you haven't t done would be a very upsetting event, I would ask to speak with the school nurse and see if she could access some form of wellbeing support.

I'd also forget the other child - nothing you can do there directly.

Tell your daughter you're sorry if she thought you didn't believe her, you had to make sure nothing else was going on. Tell her you love her, you're so proud of how she handled it even though it was an awful thing to have to experience. Tell her you've got her back, and you hope this girl will not cause any more problems.

Focus on using the awful weekend to build her confidence. Sympathise, admit any mistakes you think you made (if you do), affirm any feelings she has, because they're very real, but also tell her that it's normal to feel that way when someone makes false allegations. Put some normality in to the vulnerability and lack of control and find things she did that were positive about how she handled it - even if it was crying, because it's healthier to show emotions in a safe place like home rather than bottle them up.

Effectively this is another bullying incident against your dd, are the school treating it as this considering that this girl has been systematically bullying her for a long time?

I think there are 2 things here and the worst one, really, is that this mother had your email address. Or did you all sign a waiver and join a class email group or something?

The second thing is that you should ask the school what their anti-bullying policy is. Did they follow it over the months when your daughter was reporting incidents. Do they, in fact, have a paper trail so they can add this allegation to it?

I realise that this must have been shocking to you and your daughter, but I think the best thing now is to move on and build your daughter's confidence. Bullies usually pick on the low confidence kids, so that's a good way to stop it happening again.

You could send her mother a simple reply along the lines of:

“It unfortunate you did not check the facts before accusing (my child) of assault. It is now clear she has been the target of malicious lies. We have left the school to deal with the situation and expect a full apology both from you and her and your daughter. Do not contact me again to discuss alleged incidents, especially those, which happened during school hours and on school property.”

Don’t let her know how you or your dd feel. If she’s weak she will tell her daughter and if she’s a bully herself, both she and her daughter will delight in your dds distress.