An allegation of assault

[Munkeemummee]

I need a sense of perspective here. So please help me, but please also be gentle with me.. it’s been a tough week with other unrelated horrid stuff.
So, I received an email from a parent that said that my daughter had “pinned” her daughter “up by the throat and tried to throttle her” against a wall in school. This was then confirmed by “several mothers”. According to the email.
My daughter has been telling me for the last three months that this child has been systematically bullying her.
Numerous complaints have been made (by my daughter) to the school. It includes minor stuff like.. she gave me her pencil and told everyone that I stole it. That kind of petty, unprovable stuff. But it happens daily.
So, after I received the email from the mother, we spent the entire weekend traumatised. My daughter specifically. She cried the entire weekend believing that this girl’s “lies” would get her expelled. We were led to believe that a clique of girls were backing up and holding this story together.
I know this sounds a bit rubbish, but I know my daughter. She can be fiery, she can be horrid..like all of us can. but she would never do this. I trusted her.

So.. on the Monday morning, the school interrogated every girl and they all confessed that it didnt happen. The girl in question said that it did. By lunchtime she finally admitted that it didn’t.

Everyone’s happy... my daughter isn’t the, about to be an expelled psycho, out to kill her classmates that she was accused of being.

However, we aren’t.

She’s been traumatised by it. Like every adult that is falsely accused of some terrible crime.

I really don’t expect this girl’s head to be put on a spike.. I know that she must come from some pretty messed up stock.. but how do we cope? How do we heal from such an awful and very flippant allegation?

PS the mother has been informed that her daughter was lying.. funnily enough no apology has been forthcoming.

You can not possibly be 'traumatised' op.

Yes another child lied about yours, being traumatised about it though this is too much. Of course you are upset but you need to get a grip and show your dd how to move on from this kind of thing.

Forget about the lies and focus on what is important: the low level bullying every day:
A meeting with the head would be a good place to start:

1. how did they address the lie from the girl
2. What do they intend to do to support your dd going forward
3. Are they aware of all the things that have happened so far, a written record handed to them if not
4. Do they have a bullying policy, has this now been activated
5. Identify all times when your dd will be with her bully, and then make a plan as to how she can be protected
6. Let them know it is unacceptable, the latest set of lies is proof of that

Be calm. Be measured. Be prepared.

Your dd must not feel overwhelmed by this event, but fortified that she was proved right and that this will stop now. Embolden her, tell her how proud you are of her and what a great ending in an otherwise embarrassing debacle for the other girls.

Im fuming btw. I had malicious lies spread about me at school, not dealt with by either my parents or the school.

I think getting some kind of well-being check is a good idea as mentioned upthread. Is the pastoral care at school any good? Are you doing anything to help your dds self esteem.

And please, I agree with previous statements. I get you are scared but you are also catastrophzing.

OP, I get what you’re concerned about. This wasn’t the first lie the other girl had spread about your daughter and a big escalation of her lies because it could have had real repercussions for your daughter as if the lie was not uncovered it would have appeared to others that your daughter was regularly bullying the girl and this escalation a real concern for your daughter remaining in the school if the school took actions against your daughter for bullying. Also, as other mothers contacted the other girl’s mother fo confirm this attack, then loads of people are talking about your daughter being a bully, ramping it up now to physical assault.

A previous poster advised about yelling your friends at school the real story - so the truth is known that the other girl lies, your daughter being the victim of this lie and many others.

Truly I can’t understand why the school doesn’t have the bully apologise to your daughter.

I’d be very concerned what other lies this girl may spread about your daughter in future.

One would also wonder about the behaviour of this other girl in the future and would she be going on to spread lies of bullying and assault in the future. Because yes, to your point, if this were many years down the road, say in a work setting, another person as an adult would be charged with assault/gbh because of a lie such as this especially with others backing her up.

I hope the summer break being so near can help alleviate some of the anxiety for your daughter and you too.

Blackcat - sorry I don’t know how to tag. My previous message was addressed to isadora’s comments
your advice was sound and one that I wasn’t criticising.. unfortunately your comment came in between.
Thank you to everyone who has taken the time to read and offer advice.

"Doesn’t seem like the school are that bothered. I’d want to know what they are doing to the girl and her cronies that backed her up,"

On the contrary, the school thoroughly investigated and got to the truth. OP's dd is exonerated and the bullies are being dealt with.

You have no right to know what their punishment will be, or what has been said to them or their parents so I wouldn't embarrass yourself by asking.

A sensible, measured response would be to thank the school for resolving it and asking them how they intend to protect your dd from future issues.

And help your dd to see that bad things happen in life. We can't control other people but we can control our response to it. She has been exonerated and these girls have been proven as liars. Nobody will believe them again. Everybody will be talking about it. They will be feeling pretty stupid I expect.
She needs to draw a line under it and see it in perspective, they're 12 yes? Lots of school years left yet.

OP, hope you feel a bit better this morning. Are you keeping a diary of everything that happens? With times, event and persons involved?

This last event merits a meeting and I think you should make clear how upset the allegations made your daughter and that you consider this girl’s behaviour inexcusable. If you have further evidence (diary) of a prolonged period of bullying, I think they will be forced to invoke the bullying proceedings. Those should be possible to download from the internet. If not, they should at least monitor the situation.

We had a few incidents with my DD and another girl, they were just below the threshold, but the school got scared (bullying procedures are a pain I think) and the girls were seated separately and put in different classes after that. It helped that I had about 15 separate incidents and the date and time of each. None of them were as bad as what happened to your DD, but it painted a quite disturbing pattern.

I don’t have any advice, but I agree with you. You had days of worrying about this, you are lucky it was resolved, but it so easily might not have been. It’s hard to come back from the days of what if’s! The anxiety still remains. Your DDs life could have been ruined, expelled, branded a bully, targeted by this girls pals. You DD has to go to school afraid it could happen again. No advice but I think you are being hounded here for no good reason.

Teach your Daughter the grey rock technique. She should not acknowledge or speak to these girls. They come close she turns away, walks away, ignores ignores. They touch her she protests loudly so others can see and hear. She doesn't keep anything secret, if anyone asks about what happened, she tells them how big a liar these girls are and what happened. Empower her to stand up for herself and make them back down.

Schools seem to be rubbish at dealing with accusers in this situation. I used to work in a school. One of the Male members of staff was accused, by a young girl, of dropping a pencil and looking up her skirt and touching her leg. A serious allegation which could have caused him to lose his job and even been prosecuted.
The allegation was proved false by CCTV footage. The girl admitted it was because she didn't like the teacher. She was put in inclusion for one day and moved to another class (so basically, she got what she wanted by not having the disliked teacher anymore). I was shocked by the low level of punishment she was given for such a serious accusation.

Obviously we have to believe accusations such as these, and the one against your daughter, but in the case that they prove to be false surely the accusers should be punished as harshly as your daughter would have been if it were true

I feel for you, OP.

My child was bullied and it got so bad the police had to be informed. A teacher also bullied our child. Some posters are lucky enough not to have been through this as a victim or parent of a victim. I would try and keep things calm while acknowledging your child's feelings but not letting them get out of hand. The first sniff of anything and I'd be in school

You need to chill your beans in front of your dd. Just keep repeating that the accusations were proved to be false, the girl has been dealt with, she looks stupid in front of everyone and that is much worse than any punishment.

You are making it worse. It's over now. If bullying continues absolutely use this as evidence to move things forwards but you need your dd to put this incident behind her. It's the end of term in 2 weeks, come September it will all be forgotten and everyone gets to start again.

I agree with Dontcallmeprecious you are overdramatizing and it won't help your daughter. It's some bullying but to say you're traumatized is melodramatic or you need emotional support to help you cope. This is horrible for your daughter and you have every right to be angry but it's grown into something that it isn't in your head imo.

I’d be cross too. When your child has a hard time at school it dredges up all kinds of often painful memories. Sorry your DD has been through this.

I'm completely with you OP. Those that are saying you are being dramatic have possibly never had a child bullied. It CAN destroy lives and have a lasting impact and I believe that schools still cannot deal with it effectively. What if those girls had all stuck to their bullshit story?

Yes, keep calm in front of your daughter, but so what if the school think you are over protective?? Don't let them brush this under the carpet. This should not be minimised. An apology should be the absolute minimum you and your daughter receive and I would throw everything you have at this.

@Munkeemummee I'm with you, bullying does ruin lives and in its extreme has taken lives. I can believe that your daughter must've felt such fear having a group of girls decide she'd committed a crime that she just hadn't! How awful of them.

I do not think this should be downplayed at all, the ring leader and her mother need to be given serious consequences for their actions.

Also all the other girls involved, they need to be punished also, the ringleader may find she has a few less followers after this, many parents will rightly be discouraging any relationship.

Good luck and I hope things settle down for your daughter.

OP I don’t think you’re being over dramatic. Your daughter is upset and these bullies sound horrible. Has your dd got a good group of friends around her? I agree with teaching her how to ignore the bullies completely. The factual email reply above is quite good I think, but I’d probably not engage - the child has to get their behaviour from somewhere. I hope you both have a relaxing summer away from these horrible children.

Just a quick note, OP, stay incredibly calm, book a meeting with the head to discuss and keep the incident diary. This can be sent to the governors if it continues during next year. It may also help you and your daughter to get a calm and clear picture.

Just for reference, we had a bully in our office and this is how we got rid of him. It took a year, verbal warning, written warning and then dismissal. A school may have less procedures in place, but if it continues and the govenors gets involved- and there is an incident record, this should go on the bullies permanent school record

I can understand being upset and angry over this. I can understand being worried about the problems that false allegations can cause.

But it’s time to move on now.

For yourself you may need to get some closure from the school about what happened as a result of the false allegations. You may not like what you hear but you need to hear, it’s what they decided was best for all concerned.

So the future.....

You have little influence on those your daughter comes into contact with, the current circle of girls or those in the future. You have even less influence on their parents.

But you do have influence on your daughter. She, at the moment, is carrying a sign with her that says bully me.

It may be that this group of girls are particularly catty and may fade away. But sadly there may be others waiting in the wings.

You need to give her the empowerment to tear up that sign. To walk tall, to have a greater confidence in herself.

Take up something out of school that offers new friends and opportunities. Something to feel good about. Perhaps cut down on social media?

So where am I coming from....... my son, adult now. gay, ginger, glasses, fairly slight them, crap at school sports. No one touched him - physically or mentally. They still don’t.

This has been a terrible experience for you and your daughter and I'm sure you're distraught. Reinforce with your daughter that she's loved, treasured and believed.These other girls must have real issues and it would be helpful if your daughter had a plan for what happens when she meets them again or if other accusations are made.

False allegations can ruin lives ,however this was resolved quickly ,I doubt the school.can tell you what action they are taking against this girl,what I would be concerned about is that my child was safe at school and that there would be no future repercussions for my child from these girls in future I don't doubt it was traumatic for your daughter but at least she knows the school took action,and I wouldn't be engaging at all with the other mother I would just go through school.

Girls of this age are horrid. I remember the dramas when my dd was at high school and issues with different groups of girls. I was so glad when her school days ended. I would be asking the head what exactly is being done as regards punishment of this other girl and her friends, all of whom are equally responsible for this. Things could have escalated with the girls mother even involving the police, had it not been found out she was lying. I would be absolutely fuming.

Young bullies grow into older bullies who make a persons life intolerable, bullying should be made a crime as it has devastating effects on lives.

It's no wonder she's traumatised with the dramatic way you're talking about it!! Calm down. I say this as someone who was in the school office every single day when my daughter was being bullied.

Those that seem to imply this is low level bullying are wrong. Low level bullying is namecalling, catty comments maybe some pushing. But accusing someone of physical attack to get them expelled or into trouble (police could have been involved here if the bully’s dm had chosen to report it to them) is bullying at its worst. I’ve been upset at far lesser stuff which happened to my dd at school. Make sure you kick up as much fuss as possible OP, so that the school takes it seriously, otherwise they will just brush it under the carpet.

I'd be really upset and would ask to speak to the Head about safeguarding and bullying. I would ask that her mother deletes your email and if there are any further incidents you will involve the police. Nasty and spiteful.