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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Nursery not feeding ds

104 replies

DoYouNeedAWee · 04/07/2019 18:03

My ds, 3, goes to nursery two afternoons a week, he often doesn't have a snack (they don't have snack time just a free snack bowl and I think ds gets too busy playing to eat) but today he didn't have a snack and then he didn't like what they had for tea so he'd had nothing to eat from 12.30-6.
He's fussy and would rather starve himself than eat something he doesn't like, also he knows I cook a light meal when we're back home anyway.

When the nursery lady told me this I asked couldn't they have given him an apple or something and she wasn't sure and said she would have to ask. Surely they could have offered him something else rather than him go hungry all afternoon.

Should I mention this to the manager or just hope it was a one off and doesn't happen again?

OP posts:

Pinkmalinky · 05/07/2019 09:22

They did feed him, he didn’t want the food offered. It’s not as though they let the children sit there starving for six hours.

You should perhaps send him with a packed lunch if you’re worried he won’t eat the food they provide?

user1480880826 · 05/07/2019 09:26

I can appreciate hat he’s maybe shy about taking a snack from the bowl. If that’s the case then the staff should be helping him.

Booboo66 · 05/07/2019 09:31

If they offered your child something else it would probably start the other kids refusing meals in place of snacks and will encourage him to refuse on other occasions. Your child was offered snacks and a meal so it wasn't that nursery didn't feed him, he just didn't eat it. If he'd been hungry I'm sure he would have ( especially the snacks that are available for a long period)

newmomof1 · 05/07/2019 10:15

I know if I give him an apple he'll eat it whether he says no at first or not.

If the nursery did this you'd probably moan that they're forcing him to eat food he doesn't want 🙄

ZoeWashburne · 05/07/2019 14:00

@Owlchemist but they did have multiple options. There is a snack bowl out at all times and a hot tea. He knows he can help himself. Even the OP has said that an apple needs to be offered multiple times before he will agree to have it. This isn’t a habitual occurrence, this is one time that could easily be turned into a learning experience. There comes a point where nursery can’t spoon feed a fussy child who has been presented with multiple options and keeps refusing. In fact, making a big deal out of it makes it worse. He needs to learn its ok not to eat, but he will be hungry later. 3 is the perfect age to learn cause and effect.

And The activities metaphor is spot on. Let’s say everyone was doing paints, he didn’t want to, but everyone knows you can go look at books at any time. You couldn’t say the nursery failed to entertain him because he chose neither.

I understand he is shy, but this is a prime learning experience to help him brainstorm his own solutions and build confidence.

GeorgieTheGorgeousGoat · 05/07/2019 23:38

But not all children like the same food. If you out a moussaka in front of me, I'm not going to eat it, it's horrible, why would I expect my kids to force themselves to eat something that tastes horrible to them?

And that’s fine, but I’m not going to cook a separate meal for every single child I look after. I cook a varied menu, take in to account usual likes and dislikes, I don’t force feed and if they choose not to eat it then they can wait until they get home (which is immediately after the meal).

my2bundles · 06/07/2019 05:12

He needs to get used to eating when he is offered the food. If he is 3 then he will be starting reception in just over a year, no body will be policing his food intake there or offering alternatives.

HennyPennyHorror · 06/07/2019 05:35

I know if I give him an apple he'll eat it whether he says no at first or not

But they don't have time....cater for one and there'll be others asking for something else.

They have to stick to routine or it all goes wrong.

SMaCM · 06/07/2019 05:59

It's fine for a 3 year old to go 5 or 6 hours without food. If he complains about being hungry, remind him to get a snack or eat his tea next time. He has had lunch and you will give him tea. He doesn't need to eat in between if he doesn't want to.

urghsohot · 06/07/2019 06:33

He’s fussy because he knows he can starve himself all day and get his favourite dinner made for him by you.

^this!

urghsohot · 06/07/2019 06:44

I think I am going to mention casually if he has nothing at all to eat then offer him something small once all the other children have finished eating.

You're not getting it are you? That's not how it works! Pull him out of nursery if it's such an issue for you.

Goldmandra · 06/07/2019 08:03

You're not getting it are you? That's not how it works! Pull him out of nursery if it's such an issue for you.

It's exactly how it works in lots of childcare settings. If children don't like the food on offer, they can have a piece of fruit or some toast. Of course staff have time to do that.

Most childcare settings offer a dessert of some sort too and children can have the dessert whether they have eaten the main course or not because that's good practice.

The OP isn't suggesting that her child is offered a second meal.

Children in reception generally have a choice of main meal options, ordered by their parents in advance and the same with dessert.

It is perfectly reasonable for the OP to ask the nursery to offer her DC a piece of fruit on occasions that he doesn't like the meal on offer. If one of two others decide that they would prefer fruit too, or that they would like some fruit after their main course, that would be absolutely fine in any decent quality childcare.

stassy123 · 07/07/2019 00:30

@Goldmandra

"Of course staff have time to do that"

How can you possibly know that? Unless you have first hand knowledge of in every setting in the country?

I can assure you that in my experience, private day nurseries definitely do not have the staff or the time to do that for even one child, never mind the other 20 who would want fruit and or toast once they've seen OP's child have it. Do you have any idea how busy some nurseries are?

Give over!

Goldmandra · 07/07/2019 08:03

How can you possibly know that? Unless you have first hand knowledge of in every setting in the country?

I know that because it is their sole job to look after those children and meet their needs.

Any practitioner who told me that they didn't have time to offer a piece of fruit to a hungry child would be told to reassess their priorities.

stucknoue · 07/07/2019 08:07

They did offer food, he chose not to eat - they will expect him to have eaten lunch before arriving and they offered him tea around 4pm, I'm surprised they even offer a snack in addition. I don't understand why you don't give him a proper meal at 6.30 /7 - families should eat together not rely on nursery to feed them (we always at at that time)

Sandybval · 07/07/2019 08:08

If there's a snack bowl available but he isn't comfortable helping himself yet (assuming they can help themselves), is there anything that can be done to let him know this is okay? Maybe if you are able to go in with him at drop off and with the nursery staff permission show him the bowl and say if you get hungry you can ask or help yourself? Might feel a lot happier if he sees you mention the bowl. They should have offered something, but I guess if they have many children these few minutes add up.

TheFastandCurious · 07/07/2019 08:25

To all the people who are saying it isn't would you let your child go that long without food at home or would you offer an alternative

I’d let them go without. We provide healthy home cooked meals which they can take or leave. Personally I think we’ve got weird attitudes to hunger and snacks in this country. Like kids can’t ever feel hunger and must have snacks between meals (which in my experience makes them more fussy as they are never properly hungry.)

Kids across the world eat what’s available, when food is scarce, kids don’t starve themselves to death because they don’t like what’s on offer. Likes and dislikes are learned behaviour when food is plentiful.

There are some foods which I prefer and some I like less but almost nothing (safe) I wouldn’t eat and I’ve raised my children the same.

Funnily enough I have normal weight, healthy kids that aren’t fussy round food. There is zero pressure from me or DH to eat anything. If they choose to skip a meal I know they’ll eat when they are hungry enough.

We are making a nation of snacking, fussy little people.

Monsterinmypocket · 07/07/2019 08:31

They should offer toast and fruit instead. I'm amazed by all the replies on here to be honest. Must be so many starving kids out there! How would you like to go to lunch, find you like nothing that's on offer and either be forced to eat it or go hungry? Crazy.

Having said that I went through an extremely fussy stage as a 5 year old (the school meals were grim-soggy marmalade sandwich anyone?) And starved myself regularly! I was ok and did well at school, but I was rather skinny!

I'm really not that fussy at all now and certainly don't live on beige food. So fussiness when young doesn't always translate to fussiness as an adult.

Don't take any crap with the nursery. Yes, the curriculum says you need to encourage a good diet, but common sense would say being fed so you are able to learn in the first place, trumps that requirement. I've heard so many cases where this happens. My son may not like his meal, but if he doesn't have it they will always have a good snack twice a day in between and a reasonable breakfast.

Frankola · 07/07/2019 08:36

I understand he didn't eat for 6 hours but children eat when they're hungry. He had a free fruit bowl to raid all day. It's quite possible he was in that they just didn't pay as much attention. As you say he also ate when he got home.

Monsterinmypocket · 07/07/2019 08:40

stassy123

I think we all know places are understaffed, but the fact of the matter is these places are being paid, sometimes a lot of money, to look after the children. They should staff accordingly. I used to work in care where people were paying thousands and they were getting refused heating up a can of soup (from the persons cupboard, not the care homes kitchen) because they 'didn't have time'. This guy was ridiculously frail, yet they wondered why he was losing weight. If they don't have time to make toast, what else are they not doing/pretending to do?

urghsohot · 07/07/2019 09:04

Children in reception generally have a choice of main meal options

Not at ours they don't.
My reception aged child hates fruit but that's the only morning snack on offer at school so if he doesn't eat it he goes hungry until lunchtime when he has his own packed lunch. I'd rather he had a snack but I'm not going to question the schools policy just because my kid is the only one in the class he won't eat fruit.

llangennith · 07/07/2019 09:31

Is that really what some nurseries are like? Not bothered if a 3 yo doesn't eat (or drink?) for several hours? That's unacceptable.

@DoYouNeedAWee have a word with nursery, and have an apple or banana with you when you pick him up from nursery so he doesn't have to starve while you cook his dinner.

AtSea1979 · 07/07/2019 09:40

What fastandcurious said

Of course he didn’t eat at nursery because he’s learned if he waits he’ll get something else. My kids will eat any food. Even stuff they don’t like because they know i’m not going to provide anything else.

Soontobe60 · 07/07/2019 09:43

I love all this 'he chose not to eat'
If he is like me, he will go without if he truly doesn't like the food.
It isn't always a choice. Give me a food I truly don't like and make me it it. I will be sick.
You cannot force someone to eat something they don't like and if all the children are sitting there for tea it wouldn't kill them to give him an apple or a banana.
I won't eat liver or marmite, anything else I'll have a go. No, itbwouldnt kill them to give him a banana, but it would probably increase his fussiness by sending the message that if he doesn't fancy a particular food he can have something else ( an apple or banana is a sweet food therefore is encouraging them to develop a sweet tooth).

AbbyHammond · 07/07/2019 09:44

I doubt any nursery is that bothered if a child goes a couple of hours between eating

There are drinks and snacks available all afternoon, children eat lunch, and a child that doesn't eat tea goes home at 6 and has something then - no one's 'starving', are they?

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