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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Boyfriend on Tinder/Bumble messaging 18 year olds

57 replies

Coconutlattelover · 04/07/2019 13:11

Name changed for obvious reasons.

Background is relevant here - we are both 26, been together since we were 21. Both (as far as I know) been faithful. We were recently watching Easy on Netflix and there’s a married couple on there exploring polyamory. Bf asked me how I felt about that, and I stupidly said I didn’t think I’d be overly jealous. I don’t know why I said this, I think I just don’t know my own feelings or something. I said ‘hmm do it if you want’ but I didn’t think he actually would - anyway next day I discover him swiping frantically on Tinder, Bumble and Ok Cupid - he has downloaded all three and has set his age settings to 18-21! An 18 year old girl would have been like 12 when we met, which just seems like a very big and worrying age gap. Also I feel like it’s predatory. He showed me the messages he’s been sending as he said he has nothing to hide since “we agreed” and I felt overwhelmed and upset by them, sending a message to a girl carrying a cat which said ‘nice pussy’ - he said he’d not get emotionally attached and that I’d always be his no.1

I have brought this on myself I know by saying I found the idea interesting and even a sight turn on when we were just talking about it. I’m not happy about this anymore though and don’t know what to do.

Aaahhhhhb

OP posts:

Nanny0gg · 04/07/2019 13:22

Your title should read 'ex' boyfriend...

ShirleyPhallus · 04/07/2019 13:24

You haven’t brought this on yourself at all. What a weird way for him to treat someone he loves.

LTB.

MyOpinionIsValid · 04/07/2019 13:25

Five years and you cant actually have a discussion about this ?

Mommmytobe19 · 04/07/2019 13:26

Tell him you don’t like it and you want him to stop you can always change your mind but you should have thought about it before saying yes. But with that said why is he so readily messaging other women after 5 years together.

There was a someone I was once friends with and he confided in me that his gf wanted to go and sleep with another man and he ‘allowed’ her to do this and it basically destroyed the relationship.

Each to their own but it’s a big no from me

bee222 · 04/07/2019 13:27

Dump him

Do it now

He will never respect you

QueenofallIsee · 04/07/2019 13:28

Bin him, what an absolute tool he is

Whatdoyouknowwhenyouknownowt · 04/07/2019 13:29

Yeah, I was going to say "Ex-boyfriend..."

Think that Pandora's Box has been well and truly opened.

P1nkHeartLovesCake · 04/07/2019 13:30

Why on earth did you say do it if you want? I mean ffs your a grown ass woman, that isn’t what you were thinking so why say it

An 18 year old girl would have been like 12 when we met and what? If my brother had been a girl he would of been my sister. Fact is she isn’t 12 she is 18, not that the age even matters

Honestly he’s on dating sites, you don’t like so woman the hell up and talk to him or end the relationship.

Awaywiththefairies27 · 04/07/2019 13:31

Eww gosh this is awful. LTB.

letsrunfar · 04/07/2019 13:32

I don't think who he is messaging is the issue here.... I was in primary school when my other half started university, that is irrelevant since we met as adults!

The issue here is whether you want this polyamory type relationship you seem to have inadvertently agreed to. I think the answer is no.
So perhaps you need to let him know this in no uncertain terms, before this goes beyond tinder.

GrouchoMrx · 04/07/2019 13:32

He has shown you who he is. You should now show him the door.

70sWitch · 04/07/2019 13:33

You don't get a prize for being a "cool wife"
You get this. A creepy arsehole chasing young girls online.

Not sure why you felt you needed to say you were ok with this. Hardly anyone would be. But that's irrelevant now.

You gave him the green light and he's shown you who he is. Believe him. Even if he desists when you say you aren't cool with it, it's too late. He's exposed.

There's better out there. Scrape him off.

Boom45 · 04/07/2019 13:37

I know polyamory is getting better press at the moment and it can seem like it's quite a regular way of conducting a relationship but it's really not. No disrespect at all to anyone who is happily polyamorous but i don't think it's something the most people could or would enjoy. And, i don't think your BF is being at all reasonable taking a throwaway comment about how jealous you may or may not be as the start of a polyamorous relationship. You need to tell him that you did not agree to polyamory and that you don't want him contacting young women on Tinder while he is with you.
Also, does he think these random women on Tinder will be happy to be involved in his polyamory? He sounds like he wants to cheat without consequences to me.

Popc0rn · 04/07/2019 13:37

In some ways, this could actually be a blessing in disguise. It's much better to realise that he's a creep/potential cheat now when you are only 26, rather than another 5 years down the line, potentially married with kids. Get out now, enjoy being single for a bit and get on some dating apps yourself!

Whatisthisfuckery · 04/07/2019 13:37

Nice Pussy, wow, what a chat up line.I think I’d bin him just for that tbh.

Did he actually ask you if he could go out and shag other (girls) women? It doesn’t exactly sound like the sort of boundary setting, term negotiating process necessary before embarking on an open relationship. Sounds like you made an off the cuff remark and he’s using it as an excuse to think he’s got carte Blanche.

Not sure this is what I’d personally want in a partner if I’m honest. It’ll be hard for you now because you’ve seen the gusto with which he’s throwing himself into looking for sex with other girls..

You might be better served reporting your OP and asking @MNHQ to move this thread to relationships.

Sarcelle · 04/07/2019 13:38

So he immediately went for the 18-21 yr old ones. So basically his ideal is at least 5 years younger than you. You have just given him license to be a creep.

You were daft saying what you did, but surely now you want to dump him? You won't ever be good enough for him, he wants to push boundaries. Ironically it is the other way around, he is not good enough for you, or good for you for that matter.

If you stay with the sleazeball it won't end well.

Rezie · 04/07/2019 13:39

I don't think that's how polyamory and open relationships start. I know you "agreed" but that is meant to be a begining of a discussion and agreeing if it's your thing and agree the rules. Not an immediate tinder dating. He doesn't want polyamory or an open relationship. He wants to screw other girls while benefiting from having you around. I'm sure he loves you, but this relationship cannot really recover.

YouJustDoYou · 04/07/2019 13:43

As everyone on this and your other post is saying, no. Just no. Poly lifestyle suits some, but it's obviously not what you want. He obviously does. This is a major impasse.

Nofunkingworriesmate · 04/07/2019 13:43

Wow he couldn’t wait to get in those sites ! Just tell him you don’t want to do it and previously had just been chatting shit, if he doesn’t stop then he doesnt love you just want lots of sex, the fact you can’t have a talk about this is worrying

whothedaddy · 04/07/2019 13:43

Polygamous relationships only work with firm ground rules in place before anyone does any exploring (I'm not saying this from experience mind you)
It seems you massively missed this step. It isn't polygamy he wants but having his cake and eating it.

You are totally within your right to change your mind about how you feel about this. If he gets funny about it then he has shown his true colours. Relationships, polygamous or otherwise, come from trust and respect. He needs to show you these things at the very minimum no matter how many people are involved.

newmomof1 · 04/07/2019 13:45

He doesn't want to have a polyamorous relationship - he wants to shag around and feels like you've given him permission to do so.
He's grim.

Calvinlookingforhobbs · 04/07/2019 13:47

I was so happy to read that this is just your boyfriend and no father of you child/husband. Get out and enjoy life whilst you can! Leave him now and do not look back.

Ps. It is predatory.

SagAloojah · 04/07/2019 13:48

Well that was a spectacularly stupid thing to do. Take it back pronto.

BumbleBeee69 · 04/07/2019 13:49

He doesn't want to have a polyamorous relationship - he wants to shag around and feels like you've given him permission to do so

I agree

easyandy101 · 04/07/2019 13:51

Been polyamorous for maybe 15 of our 24 year year relationship. We don't actively seek new partners though

It is not a lifestyle that works for many people at all

Limited sympathy with someone who says "yeah go for it" and then cries to the internet though.

Just tell him to stop if it doesn't work for you, he's doing something based on your consent, if you withdraw that consent then he'll, presumably, stop

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