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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Boyfriend on Tinder/Bumble messaging 18 year olds

57 replies

Coconutlattelover · 04/07/2019 13:11

Name changed for obvious reasons.

Background is relevant here - we are both 26, been together since we were 21. Both (as far as I know) been faithful. We were recently watching Easy on Netflix and there’s a married couple on there exploring polyamory. Bf asked me how I felt about that, and I stupidly said I didn’t think I’d be overly jealous. I don’t know why I said this, I think I just don’t know my own feelings or something. I said ‘hmm do it if you want’ but I didn’t think he actually would - anyway next day I discover him swiping frantically on Tinder, Bumble and Ok Cupid - he has downloaded all three and has set his age settings to 18-21! An 18 year old girl would have been like 12 when we met, which just seems like a very big and worrying age gap. Also I feel like it’s predatory. He showed me the messages he’s been sending as he said he has nothing to hide since “we agreed” and I felt overwhelmed and upset by them, sending a message to a girl carrying a cat which said ‘nice pussy’ - he said he’d not get emotionally attached and that I’d always be his no.1 Hmm

I have brought this on myself I know by saying I found the idea interesting and even a sight turn on when we were just talking about it. I’m not happy about this anymore though and don’t know what to do.

Aaahhhhhb

OP posts:
AverageMummy · 04/07/2019 13:56

You didn’t bring it on yourself. If I said to my husband what you had I wouldn’t find him looking for teenagers to sleep with within 24 hours. More likely he’d be horrified & ask me if I was wanting to go elsewhere. Doesn’t sound like your boyfriend even cares less what you do? He’s decided he’s got permission to go to town & couldn’t care less about you. Also - specifically searching for teenagers is pretty disgusting for a 26 year old. You are better off out of this now.

WillLokireturn · 04/07/2019 13:58

"DP you asked me something vague when I was tired/thinking about something else. if you'd intended to discuss a polymorphic lifestyle it'd have been a long clear serious discussion over weeks with clear ground rules, not the sneak attack you did. I absolutely did not agree to cheating nor understand why you'd go creep on 18 year olds in OLD and pretend I'd agreed to that. Pack your stuff up and leave".

There's no way back for you. He's showing you that he's a creep.

IceQueenCometh · 04/07/2019 14:00

"You'll always be his no. 1"

Bullshit.

Given the significance of the concept I think you are well within your rights to ask for several further discussions, and time to think at the very least, before making a commitment about it. It's a massive relationship change on the back of a off-the-cuff comment while watching Neflix. If he won't grant you that then you know what to do.

WillLokireturn · 04/07/2019 14:00

*polyamorous. Sorry keeps autocorrecting to polymorphic

AverageMummy · 04/07/2019 14:02

Also just to add: you getting overwhelmed & upset should trigger “oh my god I’m so sorry I thought you were ok. Look it’s all deleted let’s just try to forget about this whole silly thing.”

Instead - the person who I presume he claims to love is ‘overwhelmed & upset’ & his response is “try not to be so upset when I sleep around, I won’t get emotionally attached.”

He really is not ok with being in a relationship perhaps he feels he’s missed out with you getting together so young. It’s better to split now.

Juells · 04/07/2019 14:06

He was already planning to do it, and manipulated you into having a conversation in which you appeared to agree.

I'm afraid he's already on his way out. It's just a question of whether you're willing to wait around until visiting STD clinics on a regular basis is part of your life.

LTB, it's going to escalate.

loobyloo1234 · 04/07/2019 14:12

Eurgh. He sounds like a predator. Vom. LTB

LittleKitty1985 · 04/07/2019 14:15

Surely you can just tell him you've changed your mind and ask him to delete the apps?

AmIRightOrAMeringue · 04/07/2019 14:16

Agree with PP

It sounds like he phrased it and you understood it to be a hypothetical question
The next step would normally be to agree rules e.g. amount of time spent with others, if you can bring others into the home, who's off limits like mutual friends etc
He just wants to shag around and then say he thought it was ok, when you get upset

I think the age thing is a red herring, it would still be manipulative towards you if it was people your own age

Derbee · 04/07/2019 14:27

OP, I think you should seriously consider leaving him. It’s all happened very quickly considering it was a casual and short conversation! He’s shown his true colours. I’d get out. Even if he stops, he’s setting the scene for cheating under the guise of ‘polyamory’ at a future date. I wouldn’t hang around for that.

His comments on the dating apps are overtly sexual - it certainly doesn’t sound like it’s about finding a deep connection and living a polyamorous lifestyle (presumably polyamory is about relationships, not just sex?). It sounds like having a devoted girlfriend, having sex with younger girls, and maybe waiting to see how open you’d be to a threesome? I’d be out of there sharpish, to be honest.

Pinkmalinky · 04/07/2019 14:30

So you have been together for five years, you watch a documentary about polyamory and the following day your boyfriend decides it would be a good idea so downloads Tinder? Wtf, this is so bizarre.

Dump him.

Juells · 04/07/2019 14:36

LittleKitty1985
Surely you can just tell him you've changed your mind and ask him to delete the apps?

He's not doing it because she said she wouldn't mind. He's doing it because that's what he wants to do, her changing her mind is neither here nor there, he doesn't actually care what she thinks as long as he can manipulate her into thinking she agreed to it.

recrudescence · 04/07/2019 15:00

I think the toothpaste is out of the tube. Time to head for the exit.

LittleKitty1985 · 04/07/2019 15:01

@Juells I can see what you're saying, but I think it's both. Yes he wants to do it and that is an issue that needs addressing, but he probably wouldn't have actually done anything if she hadn't agreed to it.

The real problem here is not the tinder messages, it's that OP feels unable to have an honest conversation with her DP!

Hooferdoofer37 · 04/07/2019 15:04

How about you tell him that your idea of polygamy is adding an extra man to your relationship, not an extra woman & see how that idea suits him.

If he doesn't like it, well he can't be upset about you not wanting an extra woman.

If he does like it, you can shop for a new partner in front of him whilst still sharing living costs etc & then dump him when you find someone better.

TwistyTop · 04/07/2019 15:10

Sounds like you two are incompatible.

Also... Sending a message to an 18yd old girl saying "nice pussy"?! That nearly made me vomit. What a disgusting creep.

cakecakecheese · 04/07/2019 17:25

He did what now?!

OK so say he did take you at face value what he should have done was sat down with you another time and checked that you wanted to go ahead, discussed ground rules, boundaries etc etc, not sent an immature meme to a teenager! Dump.

Crispyturtle · 04/07/2019 17:43

Your relationship sounds shit, & also, over. Dump him, thank you NEXT!

WhereYouLeftIt · 04/07/2019 18:40

"We were recently watching Easy on Netflix and there’s a married couple on there exploring polyamory. Bf asked me how I felt about that, and I stupidly said I didn’t think I’d be overly jealous. I don’t know why I said this, I think I just don’t know my own feelings or something."

Time to tell him what you have found out about your feelings, then, isn't it?

Just tell him that since he started looking for another girlfriend, you've gone off him. You find him looking for an 18-21 predatory and deeply unattractive.

And that you've realised that he's a manipulative shit who very obviously had been planning on shagging around for some time. There is no other explanation for how quickly he's sprung into action (searching for a shag) in response to your vague comment on a hypothetical situation.

Coconutlattelover, you have not, repeat NOT, brought this on yourself. He is trying to paint you into a corner. He is a manipulative little wanker.

Get rid.

MyNewBearTotoro · 04/07/2019 19:11

So many red flags here. The fact he jumped on Tindr etc literally the day after this came up on conversation without any proper discussion or hesitation on his part. The fact he keeps reiterating you said yes and so it’s ‘allowed’ to alleviate any feeling this isn’t okay. The fact he’s intentionally looking for somebody in the youngest age bracket possible and not even considering a person his own age. This especially is a massive red flag for me and I think they would probably be a dealbreaker.

Even if you have a discussion about your actual feelings and he agrees to stop looking you’ll always know he has his eyes on finding a teenager for no strings attached sex.

I’d leave him. He is not a committed partner.

HollowTalk · 04/07/2019 19:13

Why do you have two threads?

Swellerellamoo · 04/07/2019 19:17

You don't have kids. You are not entrenched with this dickwad. Either you've got massive communication issues between you or youve come to the end of the road. Either way , take a long hard look at what you want out of life and don't feel afraid to bin this wanker off. Take care.

TheGrapefulDread · 04/07/2019 19:21

HE will always be # 1, he means. Run like the wind !

boosterrooster · 04/07/2019 19:26

Nope.

He'd already be my ex by now.

Hithere12 · 04/07/2019 19:50

You have not brought this on yourself!! Tell him this isn’t what you want.

Also setting ages to 18-21 is so creepy. I mean what’s wrong with a 24 year old? Its not like they’d be any less attractive?

It’s like he wants to be able to have power/control over someone young and naive.

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