Boyfriend on Tinder/Bumble messaging 18 year olds

[Coconutlattelover]

Name changed for obvious reasons.

Background is relevant here - we are both 26, been together since we were 21. Both (as far as I know) been faithful. We were recently watching Easy on Netflix and there’s a married couple on there exploring polyamory. Bf asked me how I felt about that, and I stupidly said I didn’t think I’d be overly jealous. I don’t know why I said this, I think I just don’t know my own feelings or something. I said ‘hmm do it if you want’ but I didn’t think he actually would - anyway next day I discover him swiping frantically on Tinder, Bumble and Ok Cupid - he has downloaded all three and has set his age settings to 18-21! An 18 year old girl would have been like 12 when we met, which just seems like a very big and worrying age gap. Also I feel like it’s predatory. He showed me the messages he’s been sending as he said he has nothing to hide since “we agreed” and I felt overwhelmed and upset by them, sending a message to a girl carrying a cat which said ‘nice pussy’ - he said he’d not get emotionally attached and that I’d always be his no.1

I have brought this on myself I know by saying I found the idea interesting and even a sight turn on when we were just talking about it. I’m not happy about this anymore though and don’t know what to do.

Aaahhhhhb

Yeah, you don't start a polyamorous relationship the night after you casually ask your girlfriend whether she would mind while watching a fictional TV programme about it. I think the people saying that you brought it on yourself are being incredibly harsh, as far as you were concerned it was a casual question to which you gave a casual answer. Your boyfriend on the other hand has taken this to mean he has the green light to cheat on you - it's cheating if you're not both onboard with having other partners, and I suspect, given the speed at which he has started messaging other women, he has been thinking about it for some time. I also suspect he will try to use the fact that you responded to his question in that way to try to make you feel as if you are going back on your word if, on further reflection, you don't feel comfortable with the idea of opening up the relationship.

I briefly tried polyamorous relationships. It was not a good fit for me, though not particularly because of jealousy. One of the things I learnt is that opening up a previously monogamous relationship usually involves lots of talking beforehand and taking tentative steps, checking in with each other about how you're feeling about it along the way.

Unfortunately, unless you decide you would actually like to try non-monogamy, I doubt there is much of a future for your relationship. What he has revealed to you is that he wants to have sex with other women, and that he's not particularly concerned with your feelings about this. I might even suspect that he has already been unfaithful or come close to it, and that he is now using what you said to justify it to himself. Luckily for you, he has shown his true colours - only you can decide how you want to respond.

Op??

Why on earth would you tell him it turns you on a little?

However, he sounds a bit sleazy tbh. I'd never do this to my partner, and wouldn't actually ever want to.

@BjornAgain81 just read the whole thread & can’t see where OP said that ??

Third paragraph in the op she says it

He's just been looking for any excuse to cheat. Making a casual comment was not a license for him to start trying to date other women. He sounds like a creep. Why are you even with him?

If I were you, I'd be messaging blokes and showing him the messages, and then I'd stick around till I found someone better.